The document is a mock newspaper called The Poetic Times that promotes events from the Singapore Arts Festival. One article discusses an elderly man's claim that he had lunch with Elvis Presley during an out-of-body experience. Another article profiles an interview with Vonda Voman, who is portrayed as misunderstanding some questions and references due to a language barrier. A third article promotes a performance by an elderly chorus singing rock music to dispel the myth that fun is only for the young.

1. ThePoeticTimes
BESPOKE EDITION
The Poetic Times is a tongue-in-
cheek showcase of some programs
from this year’s S’pore Arts
Festival. We hope this light-hearted
presentation will pique your curiosity
of the real thing. Enjoy!
VOL. I MICA REG. 151624446 SINGAPORE SATURDAY MARCH 3 2012 FREE NEWSPAPER
JADE OF ALL TRADES
BREAKING NEWS
STORY BY EMERALD YU ey@poetictimes.com
WORLD— Geologists are surviving jade bird that lives
warning that the world is in the Jade Palace in the far
running out of jade. “The only way such North. But time is running
Centuries of over-mining out for the old jade bird,
and wasteful handling have
a quantity of jade whose life is threatened by
now renewed calls for efforts can be gathered is the River Spirit as we count
to resuscitate the previously down to the end of 2012.
discarded plan regarded as to look for the last While the jade bird is
absurd - artificially generate known as Courage in its
a subduction event within surviving jade bird” inner circle, it is more
the earth’s core at the right significantly known as
depths, under the right from earth’s soil as the start Despair. Can the jade bird
temperature and pressure of the end of wisdom in be located in time? And can
conditions, to generate the humanity. all of humanity coax it out of
incubation necessary to form This plan should logically the doomed Jade Palace to
jade. win over the support of preserve this precious stone
In fact, the subduction every nation on earth, on earth?
drill already exists. And it except for one small issue.
is not just geologists that The subduction drill needs If you are intrigued by how a
are concerned about the one critical element to start story could centre around the
dearth of this precious all cylinders firing – jade common jade, you may want
stone, feng shui masters itself! Thirty billion metric to find out how Mark Chan’s
version of the Jade Bird brings
from all corners of the tons of it, to be exact.
THE FLIGHT OF THE JADE BIRD
globe link jade to “wisdom” The only way such a to life on 18 & 19 May at the
and regard the impending quantity of jade can be Esplanade Concert Hall. Tickets
disappearance of the stone gathered is to look for the last from $20 to $100.
IMAGE: SXC.HU / MorGAnE ConStAnty
SIDELINE EDGY CUT OVERLEAF
A Wild Cat Chase The Best Sex Leading
IMAGE: SXC.HU / tErESA LAInG
the Horse
I Ever Had to Water
BY MORPHEUS YUME my@poetictimes.com
KYOTO, JAPAN—A retired war PG 2
veteran caused a minor mayhem in
the tiny Japanese town of Kurama
when he reported his pet cat missing BY AURELIA NIM-FOE
but put the name of his wife in the
missing person’s report at the police
an@poetictimes.com
An
station.
His wife was in fact away visiting her
Would it surprise
you to know
Interview
mother in Kyoto City at the time. The that about 60% of
women and 80% of
with Vonda
entire town was mobilized in what was
the largest search party in the town’s men between the age of 50
if we talked about these in
Voman
history. The heavily forested terrain and 70, have regular sex? PG 3
a room full of only women?
did not help the cause as teams of Would it surprise you to
of hearing. As the hunt was called What if we have the difficult
police, coast guards and volunteers know it’s actually possible
off and the entire town descended questions posed to you by a
took turns combing the countryside for men to have an orgasm
upon the man’s home, they found child?
searching for the man’s alleged
missing wife.
him asleep in his favourite rocking
without an erection? Do
you know you may be
“I had
Public transport and postal services
stopped for a week as the entire
chair with the cat he reported
missing resting on his lap. Meow’s
80 years of age and still
attract the sexual interest
If you are curiously daring, come
and be part of this experiential lunch
town was glued to the saga. Some
the matter?
of people under 30? How
work THE BEST SEx I EvER HAD
by Canadian group Mammalian with Elvis
restaurants and even schools closed open are you to have these
as more volunteers were drafted into
Life has a knack for imitating art. As
comical as this story is, Japanese topics discussed publicly
Diving Reflex happening from
25 to 27 May at Esplanade yesterday!”
the search parties. It was not until novelist Haruki Murakami’s THE WIND- in the company of people Theatre Studio. Tickets at $36. PG 3
news of the search was flashed across UP BIRD CHRONICLE tells of a similar unfamiliar with you? What
the national media that the man’s adventure. Adapted by American
wife realised what was happening and director Stephen Earnhart, come on DISCLAIMER: The contents in this promotional publication are intended solely for the promotion
she promptly contacted the Kurama this journey of fascination on 25 & of events at the Singapore Arts Festival 2012. Where relevant, these are works of fiction, and any names,
26 May at Esplanade Theatre. characters, places and incidents used are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
police because her husband was hard Any resemblance or reference to actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Tickets from $20 to $110.

2. TOP STORIES
Leading a Horse A Twilight Some-
to Water where near You
BY PETER GELDERLAND pg@poetictimes.com
BY EDWARD FANG ef@poetictimes.com
Have you found yourself out of a
IMAGE: SXC.HU / tIMo BALK
cart at the supermarket? One man
experienced this once too often and
has come up with a bizarre, if perhaps
obliquely entertaining, way to solve
this cart shortage problem. He has
decided to bring his own, well, cart
in the form of a – believe it or not –
horse. Yes, the animal horse. Not
bad if one considers he rides the same
horse to the supermarket, does not
need to park it, loads all his purchases
onto it and off he goes.
And his favourite purchase at the
supermart? Beer! Talk about leading
your horse to water! Public reaction supermarket owners – the need to
has ranged from outrage to pure pick up the horse poo!
amusement as the man, who has not
SINGAPORE —Ever wondered are here. How would you tackle a
been identified, superbly balances Get up close and personal with the modern why vampire movies always seem problem you virtually cannot see?
himself atop his steed as if man and centaur in this extraordinary act FLUx by to feature the mythical undead in What would you do if they wiped us
animal are one. But this spectacle Theatre du Centaure (France). Happening such landscapes as Eastern Europe all out? How long will it be before that
has created one small problem for the 18 to 23 May at the Festival village.
or Oregon, USA? Surely in this age happens? Do you see yourself ending
of possibilities, you could imagine up fighting them to save our world?
vampires finding a home right here in
IT PAYS TO BE AN ArtsFest Club Singapore? PANDEMIC is an interactive, theatre
Members Enjoy: Well, imagine no more. They installation produced by UK group Slung
are here! As we have grown more Low for a thoughtful audience. Want to
ARTSFEST CLUB THU The privilege to buy hot experience what it’s like to fight vampires?
PRE-SALES 15 MAR program tickets first, plus sophisticated in how we live our
Well, you better be above 16 years of age.
a huge 30% discount when lives, so have they. They are among
they purchase 2 tix or more Oh, and you need to be very brave. 22
us today. How long they have lived to 27 May at Old School @ Mount Sophia.
among us, no one knows. But they Tickets at $36.
With the Singapore Arts Festival
EARLY BIRD MON Open to public at early bird
2012 just round the corner, it is time
SALES 19 MAR discount of 20%, min. 2 tix.
for lovers of the art to start picking
C U L I N A RY C O R N E R from The Netherlands, China and
IMAGE: WIKIMEDIA CoMMonS / CHEnSIyUAn
the shows and performances you
Indonesia.
THE HAkkAS CrEATEd
wish to catch. It certainly pays if
GENERAL SALES MON No discounts except for AFC
you are an ArtsFest Club (AFC)
16 APR members or partner card
THE MAN WHO RODE
member. Besides enjoying savings
CROCODILES: Inspired by a poem
Yong Toufu!
of 30% for a bundle of 2 shows, holders (Passion, SAFRA)
membership gives you other written by the Luo Fang Bo, the
exclusive offers. But you got to be founder of Lan Fang republic, this
SINGAPORE ARTS FRI
quick, because these offers are for
FESTIVAL STARTS 18 MAY
After years ingredient gives the Hakka soup its
a limited time only. Check out these
members-only offers: of debate distinctive taste.
among EPIC POEMS OF THE KONGSI
JOIN THE ARTSFEST CLUB FOR FREE TODAY AT
regional WAR: Based on the original Malay
WWW.SINGAPOREARTSFEST.COM/REGISTER
chefs and poem, Syair Perang Cina di Mandor
culinary (“Story of the Chinese War in
critics, it has finally been widely Mandor”), this garnish blends
accepted that the humble dish yong the Oriental flavours with a Malay
toufu (酿豆腐 in Mandarin) is of influence.
Hakka origin. There had been many TALE OF FORMER TIMES: This
variations of this dish consisting quintessential sauce requires just a
of a varied selection of food items dash to link the dish’s traditions to
including fish balls, bitter gourd, today’s taste preferences.
cuttlefish, lettuce, ladies fingers, as
well as chilis and various forms of Want to know more about the Hakkas? LAN
fresh produce, seafood and meats, FANG CHRONICLES 2012 is an installation
served in a clear consomme soup. performance inspired by the histories and
Essential accompaniments are spicy, investigations of the 18th century Lan
vinegary chili sauce, and a distinctive Fang Republic (1777-1884) founded by
brown sweet bean sauce. The Hakka Hakka Chinese in West Borneo. The project
version consists of tofu cubes heaped investigates the concept of ‘insignificant
histories’, and its obscure parallels with the
with minced meat (usually pork and
Singapore story. The development of the
fish) and herbs, then fried until golden Lan Fang Chronicle project was supported by
brown, or sometimes braised. The Arts Creation Fund 2009 from the National
key ingredient is the meat and fish Arts Council, with the Singapore Art Museum
paste stuffing. The stuffing consists as venue sponsor for the first presentation
of 5 special ingredients, namely: after a year of extensive research.
DE GROOT’S ARCHIVE: A collection
of 20 old spices from the West. Catch LAN FANG CHRONICLES 2012
CHINESE COLONIES AND OTHER between 18 May to 2 Jun at 9
STORIES: Mixed collection of herbs Commonwealth Lane. Performance
Lectures at $25, Exhibition is free.

3. “I had lunch with
An InTErVIEW WITH
Vonda Voman: Elvis yesterday!”
SuPEr HEro(InE) An ouT-of-BodY EnCounTEr AS rECounTEd BY LEonArd dumAnSkI, 87.
BY CLARK KENG ck@poetictimes.com BY GRACE LANG gl@poetictimes.com
TENNESEE, USA—In one room where, according to claimed he woke with a jolt
IMAGE CrEDIt: AnnA DIEHL
of the most extraordinarily him, there was “no floor”. still seated in his chair in
vivid descriptions of an Instead, he was seated at a his living room, holding the
out-of-body experience long table with white table signed napkin in his hand.
ever heard, retired singer cloth and seated with him Asked about how he felt
Leonard Dumanski, was the legendary – and about the whole experience,
87, of Tennesee, USA, dead – Elvis Presley. Mr Dumanski said “I’m all
claimed he died for Mr Dumanski claimed shook up!”.
close to an hour he was served the same
yesterday, during which favourite foods of the END OF THE ROAD is a show
time he had lunch with King, which included featuring rock and roll songs
none other than the peanut butter and banana by No Theater, performed by
King himself, Elvis sandwiches, mashed the young@Heart Chorus. But
there’s a catch – members of
Presley. potatoes, burned bacon,
this chorus are over 70 years
Mr Dumanski said grape jelly, cheeseburgers, old! So, Leonard Dumanksi isn’t
Poetic Times (PT): Thank Some called him the Fist of he remembered pork chops and sauerkraut, as fictitious as you think; he
you for granting us this Fury and vas in the Game of sitting in his living accompanied by Pepsi could well be singing Elvis songs
interview, Vonda. Can I call Death. room listening to Cola. And did the King say
IMAGE: WIKIMEDIA CoMMonS / PUBLIC DoMAIn
today! See how these old young
you Vonda? PT: Oh, that was not a the radio when anything to Mr Dumanski? hearts blend their infectious
Vonda Voman (VV): If real dragon; he was an actor suddenly, he felt Apparently not; according to energy with their youthful
you vish. and his name was ‘small himself “floating” to Mr Dumanski, Mr Presley zest for some of today’s more
PT: I understand you dragon’. the ceiling above the room. was happily stuffing his face popular rock-and-roll classics.
started out as a dancer? VV: So, the real dragon Still conscious, he could see with the sandwiches and young@Heart dispels the myth
VV: Yes, I love dancing. I is coming then? I must that fun is for the young, and
everything that was in the mashed potatoes, although
vas told I danced out of my go prepare now. Sorry, I unleashes a ferocious spunk for
room below him, including he did give Mr Dumanski a rock and pop music.
mother’s womb ven I vas have to meet with my myth his limp body sitting in the wink.
born. So ven I fight evil, I collaborators now. chair he was in just a few But he did get something Catch END OF THE ROAD from 23
put dance moves into my PT: Uhh...OK. It’s been a moments earlier. out of the King – an auto- to 26 May at SOTA Drama Theatre.
steps. This vay, I kill two pleas... Before he could think graphed napkin allegedly Tickets are at $25 and $45.
stones with one angry bird. VV: <shoosh> of anything else, he found signed by Elvis at that same
PT: You mean two birds himself in a pristine white lunch. Mr Dumanski then
with one stone? And I You want more of this
thought Angry Birds was zany stuff? Then imagine
created by a Finnish guy? crossing two crazy Swedes
VV: Yes, ven I fight, I with 18th century opera
always finish the guy! classics from German
PT: ??? O...kay, so how
did you end up as superhero
Vonda Voman?
VV: I don’t exactly know.
composer Richard Wagner.
That’s the premise of
Charlotte Engelkes’
critically acclaimed Very
MATCH-THE-SYMBOL
What does each symbol represent? Try and see if you can match each symbol
I vas told in a dream I Wagner series - Part 1: Miss correctly to the Singapore Arts Festival 2012 program it represents correctly!
should be fighting evil and Very Wagner, an epic tale
slaying dragons. But my of female strength and
family - they told me I fell sacrifice, a composite of the
into a tank of radioactive female heroines in Wagner’s
liquid. operas; Part 2: Siegfried
PT: So, if you hadn’t been - The Very Wagner Hero
a superhero, you would Hour, about a hero who
have become a famed can sing every heroic role
dancer? demanded of him, but with
VV: That or a furniture the helpless feeling of being
designer at IKEA. a stranger in his own family;
PT: Oh yes, you are Part 3: In a creative meeting
Swedish...Dancing Queen of traditions, All is Divine
and knock-down furniture. weaves in Asian myths into
VV: <cracking knuckles> the Wagnerian universe.
You making fun of me? Engelkes enlists the
PT: Oh no...I dare not. services of a cast of local
So what brought you into artists and performers to
Singapore? present a sort of apocalypse
VV: I vas told – again – both universally and
in a dream – to come to personally – as she slowly RITE(S) OF THE WIND- PANDEMIC
Asia to unite vith the myth builds toward the grand SPRING UP BIRD
CHRONICLE
collaborators here. I vas finale of the Very Wagner
also told the dragon is tetralogy.
coming to Asia soon. But LAN FANG DREAM COUNTRY—
CHRONICLES 2012 A LOST MONOLOGUE
I thought the Asia dragon vERy WAGNERIAN NIGHT is
died some time ago. happening on May 19 and 20 at
PT: The Asia dragon? the SOTA Drama Theatre. Tickets
VV: Yes, the Asia dragon. are at $25 and $45.

4. IMAGE: SXC.HU / rICHArD DUDLEy
Stories. Legends. Myths.
Come, take your pick from
Our Lost Poems’ selection of
CINEMATIC COMMENTARY
delectable arts performances.
THE POWER OF It’s true - there is something
for everyone. Really.
THE MASK
BY S.K. TOO sk-sk@poetictimes.com
Only for 16 days, from
18 May to 2 June
EW A
E R VI OM,
There is something to be learned about movies take the family on an exotic vacation while the NEV EL RO
where the villain dons a mask. Of course, production company buys several islands in the
T
HO ORY
surreptitiousness and mystery are usually the Pacific, not to mention Spawn-ing a whole new FACT /OR CITY Y
A
purpose for using a mask, keeping the audience merchandising market of masks and figurines! AND SAME W
on tenterhooks. That’s what we masochists pay And so, here’s advice for all you budding movie THE AGAIN
good money for, no? On the other hand, movie makers out there. If you don’t have the budget, EVER
bigwigs actually save a lot of money by casting summon the power of the mask. If that isn’t
the average or below-average Joe in a mask scary enough, you can always call upon your
throughout the movie. mother-in-law!
,
How clever is that? You don’t need any eye BIRD
candy; you certainly don’t need anyone from the Staying with masks, the Noh mask is a central piece J ADE TELL,
A-List that almost always blows your production of the classic 15th century Japanese Noh theatre. PRAYL YOU
Noh masks usually depict traditionally gods, warriors, WIL FLY?
budget anyway. All you need is a mask. Since it OR
has often been said that it takes a lot more acting beautiful women, various figures (often modern figures STAY
or crazy women!) and finally demons. LEAR DREAMING
chops to play a convincing villain, that task is
projects the Shakespearean formula of tragedy on the
made all the harder when one is not genetically consequences of patriarchy, succession and empire-
endowed with the right looks to go with it. Enter building through the pristine philosophy of Japanese
the mask and you immediately remove one side Noh theatre. Noh master Naohiko Umewaka reprises
of the equation! his role as The Old Man (in lieu of King Lear) 15 years
Just look at this list of scary masked characters later.Ong Keng Seng’s LEAR DREAMING is based on the
from what are now regarded as classics – same Shakespeare’s tragedy and remains a ground-
Michael Myers in Halloween, Jason in Friday the breaking theatre production about the forces of inter-
13th, Darth Vader in Star Wars, that guy in Saw, cultural influences. Audiences can expect a rich aural-
the long face in Scream (this one always gets my visual feast of intercultural music theatre created
by a chamber ensemble of remarkable Asian artists
daughter to pee), the shadowy freedom fighter
today, playing unique musical forms, both classical and
in V for Vendetta, that horseshoe crab-looking contemporary performed in Bahasa Indonesia, Japanese,
alien in Predator….and the scariest of them all - Korean and Mandarin with English subtitles.
the Teletubbies. There you go.
WITH
Hide behind the mask, scream, grunt, flail 31 May (Thu) & 1 June (Fri) 2012, 8pm
LA UGH S AND
E
HERO INES,
your arms and occasionally sing silly songs Drama Theatre, School of The Arts
HEROIES AND
and you would have made enough money to
FAIR GONS!
BlendIn
DRA
IMAGE CrEDIt: tAnjA DorEnDorf, t+t fotoGrAfIE
BY QUITAS U.B. qub@poetictimes.com
Imagine this – you are taken to the same location
but in a different city. The people of these
locations tell stories about the location and
their lives. It’s a familiar story but something
is always different. Artists and visitors work THE FLIGHT VERY CIUDADES
OF THE WAGNERIAN PARALELAS
together to present the story. As a visitor, JADE BIRD NIGHT (PARALLEL
you have the choice of whether you wish to CITIES)
MARK CHAN (SG) CHARLOTTE STEFAN KAEGI (DE) /
be an observer, a participant, an intruder or a or touch, or be part of the happenings. This ENGELKES (SE) LOLA ARIAS (AR)
provocateur. The confines and landscapes of project has been presented in Berlin, Buenos 18 & 19 MAY 7.30PM, 19 MAY 2.30PM - 7.30PM, 18 MAY - 2 JUN,
each location will determine your role. The Aires, Warsaw, and Zurich. For the Singapore ESPLANADE 20 MAY 2.30PM, VARIOUS VENUES
CONCERT HALL SOTA DRAMA THEATRE
everyday space may be familiar to you but Arts Festival 2012, three spaces – the Roof, a
An ancient jade bird Rollicking fun Look at your clean
given a role you have to play that touches the Hotel and a Factory - will be created along with
and a young boy abounds when you and neat hotel room,
lives of its inhabitants, you will invariably find a team of local collaborators from Drama Box form an unlikely cross two crazy appreciate that
a way to blend in. Ciudades Paralelas (Parallel and the Singapore Drama Educators Association friendship – what Swedes with factory product
lessons will each 18th-century opera you’re eating and
Cities) is a collection of 8 public spaces, which (SDEA). teach the other? classics by famous take in the city
have been made into observation stations German composer surroundings with a
whereby each space is turned into a stage of CIUDADES PARALELAS (PARALLEL CITIES) is happening Richard Wagner whole new light.
the everyday life where you can listen to, read from 18 May to 2 Jun at various locations. Tickets at
$25 & $36.