We work, live, and play with perfectionists. Yet, we do not know what really makes them tick. In this presentation, you will learn how to overcome the different barriers produced by perfectionists and coping strategies for dealing with them.
I work with alot of web designers, who continually talk about pixel perfect designs and bulletproof work. The presentation is based upon the works of Donna Hicks and Brene Brown. It was given as a workshop at SxSW 2015 by Brian Sullivan and J. Schuh.
24. We Talked about Behaviors
Contrary to popular belief, Photoshop does not solve everything!
25. A Previous Student Sends An Email
J. Schuh has taught at Collin College for over 15 years.
26. He Decides to Open Up
Dear Mr. Schuh –
I need your advice. For the past 4 years, I’ve tried to be
a designer, but I keep getting fired. I find it impossible
to meet deadlines, as I agonize over every pixel.
My co-workers think I am slow. I think they are sloppy.
I can’t hold down a job. I try to be creative, but I never
finish anything. To me, my designs are never finished.
I desperately need your advice. What should I do?
30. per•fec•tion•ism (pərˈfɛk ʃəˌnɪz əm) noun
1. a belief that religious, moral, social, artistic,
or political perfection is attainable.
2. a personal standard or attitude that demands
perfection and rejects anything less.
Simple Definition
31. Psychologist View of Perfectionism
“Perfectionism is the desire to be
faultless, a fear of imperfection,
equating errors as personal defects,
and viewing perfection as the only
route to personal acceptance.”
--T.S. Greenspon, 2008.
35. Exercise #2: Persona Note-taking
Adam the Adaptive:
1. _______________________
2. _______________________
3. _______________________
4. _______________________
5. _______________________
Personal Motto:
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
36. • Satisfied with achievements made from intense effort.
• Tolerate imperfections without harsh self-criticism.
• Enjoy collaboration and cooperation.
• Value self-esteem and life satisfaction.
• Regulate and adjust their emotions.
• Manage their interpersonal relationships.
• Develop a social support system.
• Perform active coping when needed
• View relationships seriously.
• Watch their procrastination tendencies.
Adaptive Perfectionists
38. Exercise #3: Persona Note-taking
Mary the Maladaptive:
1. _______________________
2. _______________________
3. _______________________
4. _______________________
5. _______________________
Personal Motto:
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
39. • Unattainable personal performance standards.
• Extremely self-critical in self-evaluations.
• Approach their relationships aggressively.
• Lack self-awareness in social situations.
• View their environments as competitive.
• Feel a need to control their environment.
• Very passive-aggressive in certain situations.
• Enjoy defining policies, structures, and rules.
• Despise gray areas and prefer binary thinking.
• Notorious procrastinators.
Maladaptive Perfectionists
61. Adaptive Maladaptive
Very, Very Rigid.Flexible and Adaptable.
I love it
when a plan
comes together
(especially mine).
Plan A,
Plan B,
Plan C,
Plan D
62. Attitude is the difference
between an Ordeal
and an Adventure.
71. Know the Nuance: Embarrassment
“A bad thing happened to
me. It happens to everyone.
It will be over soon.”
72. Humiliation
The act of mortifying a person to cause a
painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity.
73. Examples of Design Humiliation
A usability test can be humiliating for customers and the designers.
74. Know the Nuance: Humiliation
“I deserve to be treated badly by
these folks. I’m different. There’s
something wrong with me.”
75. Guilt
Guilt is a feeling that you have consciously done
something wrong, broken a law, or let someone
down. You have committed a wrongful act.
76. Examples of Design Guilt
You knowingly use a dark pattern to
entice a person to purchase the
wrong option.
In this example, the bundled option
looks best by using the dark pattern
called the second-best first option.
78. Examples of Design Guilt
You wanted this simple, beautiful design. But, your client wanted this ugly design.
79. Know the Nuance: Guilt
“I have done something bad.
I got caught. I need to pay for
my action. I can correct it.”
80. Shame
Shame is an emotion in which someone sees
their “self” as defective, unacceptable, or
fundamentally damaged.
Shame is most often felt by victims of trauma—911 and Holocaust survivors.
83. Know the Nuance: Shame
“I am a bad person. There is
something wrong with me.
This thing proves it.”
84. Know the Nuances
Shame:
“I am a bad person.”
Guilt:
“I did a bad thing.”
Embarrassment:
“A bad thing happened.”
Humiliation:
“I deserved it to happen.”
85. Perfectionism = Shame
“Perfectionism is a form of shame. Where we
struggle with perfectionism, we struggle with
shame.”
-- Dr. Brene Brown (Shame Researcher)
136. Exercise #5: Scenario
You have hired a new designer, who fits in with
the rest of the designers and the product team
loves their design. Your perfectionist boss is
experiencing foreboding joy with the new hire.
1. How do you handle things with your boss?
2. How do you handle things with the new hire?
143. Critiques = Additive, Not Competitive
In the early days, Pixar
writers experienced the
foreboding joy of story
critiques by:
• John Lasseter
• Andrew Stanton
• Brad Bird
These meetings are done
with honesty and candor.
144. An Original, Boring Ending
The original ending had Wall-E saving EVE from a trash compactor.
145. The Updated, Heartfelt Ending
Wall-E is badly damaged saving the human race. EVE repairs Wall-E.
147. It is a small island in Denmark. Shakespeare used as his setting for Hamlet.
Zealand Island
148. Prince Hamlet suspects his uncle killed his father. He delays seeking the truth.
Elsinore Castle
149. Act 1: Ghost of Hamlet’s father tells him to revenge his murder. Hamlet delays.
Hamlet Sees Ghost of Dead Father
150. Act 2, Scene 2: Hamlet has chance to kill Claudius. He delays…
Perfect Opportunity, First Delay
151. Act 3, Scene 1: Hamlet talks to a dead friend, Yorrick. He delays, again.
To Be or Not To Be?
152. Tries to Publicly Humiliate His Uncle
Act 3, Scene 3: Hamlet performs a play within the play. He delays, again.
153. Hamlet Still Has Bloody Thoughts
Act 4: Hamlet does not understand soldiers who fight in foreign lands. When the
soldier leaves, Hamlet says how own thoughts are bloody. Hamlet still delays.
155. “There’s Something Rotten in Denmark.”
It is called procrastination. In “Hamlet”, his delay leads to a wasted life.
156. Purpose of Procrastination
“The purpose of procrastination is to protect us
from the failure, success, or change we are
terrified of, and it fulfills that purpose when we
lose all hope and stop trying. It is fear-based.”
-- Hilary Rettig (2011)
160. You are working with a seasoned designer, who
prides herself on doing pixel perfect designs. In
the office, she is infamous for procrastinating.
1. Discuss project management solutions.
2. What advice would you give a procrastinator?
Exercise #6: Scenario
165. Establish a Daily Routine
Home Work Other
Shop/Gym Dinner Reading/TV Sleeping
WorkBreakfastGetting Ready Drive Time
166. Create Routines Within the Routine
• 09:00 AM: Answer emails and phone calls
• 10:00 AM: Morning meetings
• 11:00 AM: Work on projects (one hour)
• 11:30 AM: Lunch
• 12:30 PM: Work on projects (two hours)
• 02:30 PM: Afternoon meeting (or work on projects)
• 04:15 PM: Pick up child from school
Short Drive Time (estimated 5-10 minutes):
• Make phone call (using Bluetooth)
• Listen to podcast on design or usability
• Meditate after a stressful day
• Practice a presentation (for work or conference)
• Make a mental checklist of things to do
169. Imagination is the enemy of motivation.
Don’t Fantasize about Desired Results
170. Plan for Obstacles
List possible obstacles for completing an assignment,
including procrastination habits. Develop counter-measures.
171. Reward Your Progress
Set up a reward system for positive reinforcement.
Similarly, arrange small punishments for failures.
172. Putting It Off or Getting It Done?
“Putting it off does not make it go away.
Getting it done does.”
— Ned Hallowell, Driven to Distraction
173. Break Large Tasks Into Smaller Units
Small chunks helps you see progress and builds momentum.
174. Fate or Destiny?
“Fate is what befalls a man who fails to act.
Destiny is for men who refuse to accept failure,
as their fate.”
— Lamar Wyatt (ABC’s Nashville)
183. Simple Definition of Sarcasm
sar•cas•m (sahr-kaz-uh m) noun
1. the use of words that mean the opposite of
what you really want to say in order to insult
someone, to show irritation, or to be funny.
2. Greek (literal definition)…to render someone’s
flesh (with a caustic remark).
184. Sarcasm ≠ Verbal Irony
In Seattle, a weatherman told viewers the forecast shows “sunny days ahead.”
185. Sarcasm ≠ Irony of Fate
An irony of fate is history’s greatest composer (Beethoven) went deaf.
186. Sarcasm ≠ Situational Irony
These two signs were right next to each other at a bus stop in Chicago.
Want to learn about great
deals, ask the bus driver.
Don’t talk to the bus driver.
187. Sarcasm ≠ Dramatic Irony
The audience knows Juliet is about to wake up, but Romeo does not.
188. Sarcasm = Lowest Form of Wit
“Sarcasm’s insincerity offers a level of protection.
At its most innocuous, it doesn’t hurt anyone and
distances the speaker.
When you say the opposite of what you mean, you
don’t have to own it. You’ve got someplace to hide.
You get attention, a laugh, and the upper hand —
without having to stick your neck out.”
-- Dr. Jennifer Taitz
189. Social Media and Sarcasm
Fact: #yeahright was used 2,500+ times in one hour.
#winning #sarcasm #snicker #yeahright #fail
190. Body Language Can Be Sarcastic
You can be sarcastic with your body language, too. Let’s assume this guy said,
“I will get right on that.” Do you believe any of these faces?
191. Secret Service: Social Media Sarcasm
In June 2014, Secret Services opened bids for software to detect sarcasm on
social media as part of the Department of Homeland Security.
192. Imagine our five perfectionists using sarcasm everyday on your team.
Exercise #7: Scenario
During a design critique, two co-workers decide
to make several sarcastic remarks. You do not
know if you should follow their suggestions.
Some of their comments seemed like personal
acts. You left the room angry.
1. What do you say to the sarcastic person?
2. Do you talk to your manager about it?
3. What if your manager is the sarcastic person?
193. Antidote is to Limit Sarcasm
Create a “Sarcasm Free Zone” at work. You want open collaboration.
194. Use Sarcasm Like a Strong Spice
It is best to use sarcasm with close friends, who understand the humor.
Sarcasm is like a spice.
Use it sparingly.
• Too much, the dish
is overwhelmed.
• An occasional dash,
the dish is spiced up.
• A steady serving, the
dish is ruined.
195. Sarcasm Can Be a Form of Bullying
Perfectionists use
sarcasm to disguise their
hostility. Psychologists
see sarcasm as a very
subtle form of bullying.
Most bullies are angry,
insecure, and frustrated
(like perfectionists).
196. Pixar Uses Candor, Not Honesty
Ed Catmull devotes an entire chapter to the importance of candor.
“A hallmark of a healthy
creative culture is that its
people feel free to share
ideas, opinions, and
criticisms. Lack of candor,
if unchecked, ultimately
leads to dysfunctional
environments.”
197. Respect is the Antidote to Sarcasm
Ways to create a culture of respect:
1. Do not gossip, especially with envious people.
2. Be intentional in your communication.
3. Appreciate diverse opinions.
4. Be a bridge builder to promote teamwork.
5. Create a culture directed at competitors.
6. Do not acknowledge sarcastic remarks.
7. Promote ownership, so people’s voices matter.
198. Stop Sarcasm, Start with Empathy
Designers talk of empathy maps. How about living with empathy?
199. Take Your Shoes Off, Then Wear Mine
Before walking in another person’s shoes, you have to take your shoes off.
Walk a mile in my shoes. See what I see. Hear what I hear. Feel what I feel.
Then, maybe, you’ll understand why I do what I do. Until then, don’t judge me.
200. Ask for an Explanation
If you hear a sarcastic remark, respectfully ask for clarification.
202. Make Conversations Meaningful
Your statements should be these three things:
1. True
2. Meaningful
3. Necessary
Sarcasm never meets all three of these categories.
203. Do Not Combat with Humiliation
Humiliation is closely tied to shame, which is a severe issue with
perfectionists. Be respectful and ask for clarification from the person.
If someone says a sarcastic remark about you,
do not resort to humiliation. It is so tempting.
204. Diffuse Sarcasm By Agreeing
Sarcastic Remark: “Snails move faster than you.”
Your Response: “Yes, they do. They are fast little buggers.”
When you receive a sarcastic remark, agree with them.
205. Announce Your Sarcasm
Sarcastic Remark: “I just thought of something sarcastic:
‘Snails move fast than you.’ I am totally joking.”
Diffuse your own sarcasm by announcing it.
211. Odysseus Visited Many Lands
Of the ancient heroes, only Hercules may have traveled more than Odysseus.
212. Island of Calypso (Oggygia)
In Homer’s The Odyssey, Calypso keeps Odysseus prisoner for 7 years.
213. Caves of Calypso
When Calypso sings, Odysseus forgets about his beloved wife, Penelope.
214. Hermes Tells Calypso to Release Him
Odysseus is enamored with Calypso. He is numb to all other things.
215. Calypso Sets Him Free
Calypso fell in love with Odysseus. She eventually sets free our numb hero.
216. Crazy-Busy or Numbing?
“We are culture of people who’ve bought into
the idea that if stay busy enough, the truth
of our lives won’t catch up to us. One of the
most universal numbing strategies is what
I call crazy-busy.”
-- Dr. Brene Brown
217. We Numb Ourselves in Debt
U.S. household consumer debt profile:
• Average credit card debt: $15,611
• Average mortgage debt: $155,192
• Average student loan debt: $32,264
218. We Numb Ourselves with Food
• 66% of adults are overweight or obese
• 35% of children struggle with obesity
• By 2030, 51% of the US population may be obese
• 20 years ago, no state had an obesity rate above 15%
• Today 41 states have obesity rates over 25%
• Since 1980, the obesity rate in teens has tripled.
• 72% of older men and 67% of older women are now
overweight or obese
219. We Drink to Numb Ourselves
In 2014, American recycled
enough aluminum cans to
rebuild the entire fleet of
US commercial aircrafts…
twice.
And, this only accounts for
what consumers recycled.
Source: American Beverage Association
221. Why Numbing Actually Hurts You?
“When you numb yourself, you try to not feel
vulnerability. It is especially debilitating
because it does not just deaden the pain of
our difficult experiences; it deadens all of
them—love, joy, creativity, and belonging.
We cannot selectively numb an emotion.
When you numb the dark, you numb the light.”
-- Dr. Brene Brown
223. It is NOT about
RESISTANCE
It is about
RESILIENCE
224. Your manager uses different numbing methods
during times of peak stress, such as before a
major release or executive presentation. They
drink, swear, work long hours, and smoke. They
seem to promote people with same behaviors.
1. How would you handle this situation?
2. What coping strategies do you use for stress?
Exercise #8: Scenario
225. Antidote = Setting Boundaries
Each person is different. Identify numbing behaviors and set boundaries.
226. Use Positive Coping Strategies
Walking, going outdoors, or cooking a meal can be very positive ways to cope.
236. In DC comics, Paradise Island (Themyscira) is the home of the Amazon race.
Paradise Island
237. Home of Wonder Woman
In this comic, Wonder Woman is a warrior, hero, strategist, and spy.
238. Amazons Resemble Vikings
According to myth, Hercules and Theseus would have encounters with the
Amazons. With each encounter, the Amazons would march to war.
239. Perfectionists: Victim or Viking?
“Either you are a Victim in life –a sucker or a
loser who’s always being taken advantage of or
can’t hold their own –or you’re a Viking –
someone who sees the threat of being
victimized as a constant, so you stay in control,
you dominate, you exert your power over
things, and you never show vulnerability.”
-- Dr. Brene Brown
240. Victim or a Viking?
Perfectionists do not like to show vulnerability, so they may adapt a persona.
241. Viking Characteristics
• Exerts power of perceived threats.
• Stays in control.
• Tries to dominate.
• Never shows vulnerability.
• Ruthlessly attacks enemies.
• Uses any weapon available:
- Gossip
- Schedule
- Email
- Deadlines
- Meetings
- Departmental Policies
- Assignments
242. Victim Characteristics
• Constantly loses at home and work.
• Taken advantage of by people.
• Always loses, never wins.
• Whines about everything.
• Uses any tactic available:
- Excuses
- Rationalization
- Justification
• - Blame
- Lying
- Finger pointing
- No instructions
244. Victim or Viking: Scary Thinking
“When we lead, teach, or preach from a gospel of
Viking or Victim, win or lose, we crush faith,
innovation, creativity, and adaptability to change.”
-- Dr. Brene Brown
245. A project manager does anything to get his way.
People are either threatening or non-threatening
to him. When he feels threatened, the project
manager plays very dirty office politics including
getting people written up and fired.
1. How do you handle this person?
2. Do ignore the behavior altogether?
Exercise #9: Viking Scenario
246. A co-worker continually whines about how things
are unfair with work assignments. He constantly
gets other people to his work. They “work” from
home, but nobody believes him. This person says
that he feels helpless.
1. How do you handle this person?
2. Do ignore the behavior altogether?
Exercise #10: Victim Scenario
247. Antidote = Relationship Building
Cultivate trust and commitment to counter Viking-Victim mentality.
248. Build an Emotional Bank Account
An emotional bank account
is a metaphor for improving
and maintaining scorecards
with your relationships.
The account begins with a
neutral balance. You make
deposits and withdrawals
based on your interactions
with people.
257. The Golden Ratio is 5:1
Healthy relationships strive for 5 positive interactions to each 1 negative one.
258. Deposit = Listening with Empathy
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand.
They listen with the intent to reply. -- Stephen Covey
259. Deposit = Keeping Commitments
Showing up to work on time, meeting your deadlines, attending meetings,
doing what you say, and fulfilling obligations are regular deposits you make.
260. Deposit = Fighting with Respect
Every working relationship will have arguments and disagreements.
When you do, always keep your communication respectful.
261. Deposit = Remember Little Things
All the little things count and they are the building blocks of our daily lives.
Remembering a birthday, getting coffee, or a smile adds up.
262. Apologize for Withdrawals
When you make a mistake, apologize immediately. It’s a learning experience.
Keep your account in the positive, which you have worked hard to create.
263. Antidote for Ideas: Story Building
At Pixar, Ed Catmull explains
that originality is very fragile:
“In its first form, the films are
far from pretty. We call them
‘ugly babies.’ They need
nurturing—in the form of
time and patience—in order
to grow.”
Pixar usually gives 2-3 years to
turn an “ugly baby” into a film.
264. The Beast and The Baby
With ideas, you can develop a
Viking-or-Victim mentality, too.
After the success of Toy Story 2,
the Pixar team was exhausted.
It took nearly five years to
create Monsters, Inc.
Pixar wanted to feed the beast,
produce another sequel. Yet,
the creatives wanted to protect
the ugly babies.
265. Balancing The Beast and Ugly Babies
For Pixar, their Brain Trust (John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton,
Brad Bird) balances the Hungry Beast and the Ugly Babies.
266. Design Studios: UX Ugly Baby Solution
For UX Designers, the Design Studio method provides
us with a great mechanism to protect ugly babies..
274. Two Mysteries Solved
For many years, historians
tried to determine two
things about Easter Island:
1. How were the statues
created there?
2. Where did all of the
people go?
Both mysteries got solved
a few years ago.
275. Statues Were Pushed Up
Local inhabitants used stones, wood, and brute force to push the statues up.
276. Massive Deforestation Led to Collapse
The tribe on Easter Island was over 10,000 people during its height. When
Captain Cook landed, it was reduced to about 100 people. It was avoidable.
277. Smash and Grab = Manipulation Tool
“The smash and grab occurs when someone smashes
through people’s social boundaries with intimate
information, then grab whatever attention and energy
you can get your hands on…in our social media world,
it’s increasingly difficult to determine what’s a real
attempt to connect and what’s performance.”
-- Dr. Brene Brown
278. Helicopter Story of Brian Williams
Brian Williams was suspended from NBC for six months for smashing-and-grabbing
headlines about riding with Seal Team Six when their helicopter was under fire.
279. Gossiping is Smash-and-Grab
Gossiping is a smash-and-grab. Someone gossips to draw negative attention towards
one of their rivals. Conversely, they start a rumor to draw attention to their self.
280. Seven Types of Social Sharing
90% of social sharing is about sharing relevant information with your connections.
10% of social sharing is a form of smash-and-grab (showing off, getting a reaction).
281. Smash and Grab = Manipulation Tool
“With smash and grab, perfectionists use vulnerability
to connect with people. It is a way to fast-forward
intimacy.”
-- Dr. Brene Brown
282. You have worked for two years designing a new
product. A marketing person is assigned one
week before the release. Several people share
details about the last two years. She uses this
information to take credit for the past two years.
1. How do you handle this situation?
2. What other smash-and-grabs have you seen?
Exercise #11: Scenario
283. Antidote = Understand the Intention
Protect yourself and others. Understand the reason(s) you might be hearing this
information. Is it a smash and grab? Is there a legitimate business reason?
284. Tell Your Story to People Who Earn It
You do not want to share information with people,
who have not earned it. They will misunderstand you.
285. Don’t Share Fresh Wounds Publicly
Allow for cooling off periods before sharing information with people.
An unhealthy perfectionist will use it against you.
286. A Simple Checklist
What need is driving
this behavior?
What outcome do I
want?
Does it align with my
values?
Is this sharing in the
service of connection?
Am I genuinely asking
people for what I need?
Since design is very collaborative, it is easy to mistake need for intimacy.
For some reasons, artists and designers crave intimacy and attention.
287. If the words don’t add up,
it’s usually because the
truth wasn’t included
in the equation.
295. Dodges Traps Before Final Showdown
Rainsford narrowly escapes 10 different traps before finally killing Zaroff.
296. Zigzagging = Avoiding
In some cases, perfectionists want to avoid conflict.
So, they delay a potential confrontation for a long time.
297. Zigzagging = Disengaging
In some cases, perfectionists want to disengage from work and people.
They duck, dodge, and de-prioritize tasks. They major in the minors!
298. Zigzagging ≠ Procrastination
Unlike procrastination, zigzagging is actually doing work-related activities.
Procrastination is finding other things to do (laundry, watch a movie, sleep).
299. Similar to Maslow’s Jonah Complex
Maslow states, "So often we run away from the responsibilities dictated by nature,
by fate, or by accident, just as Jonah tried—in vain—to run away from his fate."
300. Postpone a Hard Meeting
Perfectionist
Meeting Has
Been Postponed
to Next Week
301. Clean Your Desk, Again and Again
You are zigzagging when you clean your desk rather than finishing a project.
302. Waiting for the Perfect Moment
You go through multiple scenarios and seem to freeze up.
303. “We fear our highest (and lowest) possibilities. We are
generally afraid to become that which we can glimpse
in our most perfect moments, under the most perfect
conditions, under conditions of great courage.
We enjoy and thrill to the godlike possibilities we see
in ourselves in such peak moments. Yet, we
simultaneously shiver with weakness, awe, and fear
before these very same possibilities.”
-- Abraham Maslow
304. You know you should have a difficult discussion
with another designer. You notice you have been
avoiding this confrontation. You find other work
to do, but you know the problem will only get
worse. You zigzag constantly.
1. How do you stop zigzagging?
2. How do you handle difficult conversations?
Exercise #12: Scenario
306. Antidote = Name Your Fear
• Fear of the Unknown
• Fear of Change
• Fear of Sudden Pain
• Fear of Failure
• Fear of Losing Control
• Fear of the Spotlight
• Fear of New Ideas
• Fear of the Future
• Fear of Your Identity
• Fear of Standing Out
• Fear of Being Ridiculed
• Fear of Responsibility
• Fear of Massive Success
• Fear of Being Exposed
• Fear of New People
• Fear of New Technology
“To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” -Elbert Hubbard
307. Next Step is to Take Action
In the US Army, Captains tell their soldiers to shoot, move, and communicate.
308. The Most Dangerous Game
Rainsford continually acknowledged his situation, moved, and communicated.
309. Fear Has Two Meanings
• Negative = Forget Everything And Run
• Positive = Face Everything And Rise
It is really a choice!!!
328. Example: GOSPA Worksheet
Reduce my own procrastination
Improve my time management
1. Project time management
2. Manage my deliverables
1. Time management training
2. Training on specific tools
1. Attend time manager webinar
2. Put dates on team calendar
329. It’s better to cross the line
and suffer the consequences
than to just stare at that line
for the rest of your life.