Script Evaluation and Outline of Key Changes

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Script Evaluation and Outline of Key Changes
Script Draft 1 Evaluation
The feedback I received from my tutor, Mr. Becker was that
the format was excellent and the style was good. My choice
of verbs, adjectives and adverbs created imagery and
cinematic direction.
The timing of the moral gauntlet needs to be right. In
order for me to pursue this challenge, I will endeavour to
rework the script in order to accommodate and incorporate
this aspect.
Some of the dialogue I had implemented did not contain
punctuation at the end. I will rectify this aspect within my
next draft.
Mr Becker also pointed out that I had included character
inner feelings, in the form of internal dialogue and these
needed to be expressed and identified through the action.
His valued point will enable me to produce a more coherent
script.
With reference to my characters, I had on occasion
referred to Sweetah, the protagonist as the ‘female’ and
Brandon as the ‘male’. I will therefore, eliminate these
different identifications and refer to them by their character
name, within the next script.
Script Draft 2 Outline of Key Changes
 Punctuation has been inserted at the end of
each characters dialogue.
 The name Sweetah has been referred to,
accordingly throughout.

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 The characters name ‘Brandon’ has been
changed to ‘Logan’. I primarily used the name
Brandon, because it was my actor’s first name
and I had not given him a character’s name at
that stage.
 The young male character’s name ‘Logan’ has
been referred to, accordingly throughout.
 Internal dialogue has been corrected.
The script remains the same until Logan exits the car yard.
This whole end section of the script has been rewritten to
give more impact and to incorporate ethical principles and
lessons learned through the art of growing up. These aspects
help to illustrate the awareness of the dangers of social,
culture and peer pressure.
The changes are as follows:
 Logan searches in a vans glove department for
contraception.
 The yard owner notices Logan on his CCTV monitor
and chases him off.
 Logan does not return to the car yard, as he did in the
first draft.
 Sweetah now passes out in the back seat of the car,
instead of having a lethal seizure.
 Sweetah notices the yard owner and she discreetly
vacates the car and the yard, instead of remaining in a
silent and deadly state.
 Sweetah searches for Logan back at the practice
studio.
 Sweetah sees Logan in the practice room, but does
not make her presence known.

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 Sweetah sinks away from the practice door and leans
against the wall, reflecting on the current situation
and back to her short-lived encounter with Logan.