A primer for developers on how I taught myself to be more empathetic.

1. HOWTO Empathy
A primer on how I taught myself to be more empathetic.
Emma Jane Hogbin Westby
@emmajanehw

2. This is a Touchy
Feely Woo woo talk.

3. “I can’t even imagine.”
This talk came about because I’m not very good at empathy. I find it exceptionally difficult,
actually. And I have to make a conscious effort IN THE WORKPLACE to do the things which
would come naturally to me outside of work.

4. Yesterday I gave a workshop on Git because I hate Git. Today I’m giving a talk on empathy
because it’s something I don’t choose to do IN THE WORKPLACE. It’s not something I’m
very good at. And it’s something I have to practice on a regular basis, and I want to share my
tips with you.

5. Normal people have an
incredible lack of empathy.
–Temple Grandin
Fortunately, I’m not alone. Normal people don’t have a lot of empathy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_Grandin
Grandin is a prominent and widely cited proponent of the rights of autistic persons and of
animal welfare.

6. define: empathy
The ability to understand and share
the feelings of another.
Honestly? this just makes my skin crawl and gives me hives when I think about having
empathy in the work place. I guess I’ve had too many bad experiences to want to throw my
heart into someone else’s shoes.

7. When you show
deep empathy toward others,
their defensive energy goes
down,
and positive energy replaces it.
That's when you can get more
creative in solving problems.
–Stephen Covey
But I think empathy is worth the investment. It allows us to solve greater problems.

8. define: Sympathy
The feelings of pity and sorrow
for someone else's misfortune.
Sympathy on the other hand, is safer. It allows us to feel sorry for someone and try to find a
way out of a problem. I’m good at sympathy and helping people to reframe a problem to
find a way out.

9. Why?

10. Entrepreneurs may be brutally
honest, but fostering
relationships with partners
and building enduring
communities requires empathy,
self-sacrifice and a willingness
to help others without expecting
anything in return.
– Ben Parr

11. Developers may be brutally
honest, but fostering
relationships with partners
and building enduring
communities requires empathy,
self-sacrifice and a willingness
to help others without expecting
anything in return.
– Ben Parr & Me

12. Think different

13. Think different

14. Think Deliberate

15. “How can I help
[this|you|me]
to be more awesome?”
To improve the code, we need to improve our capacity. To improve our capacity we need to
practice how we think.

16. Why do you build
software?

17. And why do you
Do that?
Continue asking yourself “why” until you have found the root of why you enjoy building
software.

18. My “Why”
to understand and transform obstacles
to achieve a state of flow.
I’ve never built software for *myself*. I’ve always built it for other people. I build software
because it will make someone’s life a little easier if I do.
https://www.ted.com/speakers/simon_sinek

19. Practicing Empathy

20. Empathy is a tool for building
people into groups, for allowing
us to function as more than
self-obsessed individuals.
– Neil Gaiman

21. Level 1.
Caring just enough
Difficulty — Beginner.
At this level you convert “resources” into people.

22. Rewards
• Improves team cohesion.
• Improves capacity for diversity
of thought.
Risks
• Requires a time investment.

23. Collect stories.
Learn about people by asking them questions.

24. STFU and listen.
Listen until there is no more story.
Then respond.

25. Refer back.
Follow-up on a previous story
to get the next instalment.

26. Compartmentalisation
is way overrated.
–Molly Ringwald
Treat people like people, even at work. Allow yourself the time to be a little bit vulnerable.
Invest in relationships.

27. Level 2.
Thinking Strategies
Difficulty — Intermediate.

28. Rewards
• Improves your ability to
“manipulate” situations into
successful outcomes.
Risks
• Requires a time investment.

29. Uncover motivators.
Unpack why a person behaves the way they do.

30. WWXD?

31. Thinking Strategies
validate
crux
experience
conclude
trust your heart
values-driven
Decision-Making
clarify
tune-in
structure
empathise
scan
express
Understanding
challenge
brainstorm
envision
reframe
flash of insight
flow
Creativity
Generate; Analyse; Decide

32. challenge
envision
brainstorm
reframe
flash of insight
flow
Creative Thinking
There are two types thinking creatively: Thinking and Intuition. Creative thinking involves
“muscling through”. It includes: brain storming, challenge, reframe, envision. Creative
intuition “just happens”. It includes: flow and flash of insight.

33. Common Phrases For a
Creative Thinker
• “Can we try ...”
• “I know we’re done, but what about ...”
• “OMG! I just had this great idea ...”
• “Have you thought about doing it like this
instead ...”

34. clarify
tune-in
scan
structure
empathise
express
Analytical Thinking
The two types of analytical thinking: Understanding Situations and Understanding People.
Analytical thinking (situations) includes: scan situation, structure information and clarify
understanding. Compassion thinking includes: tune-in, empathize, express feelings.

35. Common Phrases For an
Analytical Thinker
• “So what you’re saying is ...”
• “Just to clarify ...”
• “Can you tell me how ...”
• “Is this related to ...”
• “So I made this spreadsheet ...”
• “That must feel horrible!”

36. crux
validate
experience
conclude
gut instinct
values-driven
Decision Thinking
Decision thinking breaks into three categories: Critical Thinking, Values-driven thinking
(belief-based decisions); and Intuitive thinking (gut-instinct decisions). Critical thinking
includes: getting to the crux, conclude, validate the conclusion, rely on experience. Belief-based
thinking and Gut-based thinking are single strategy mind-sets.

37. Common Phrases For a
Decision Thinker
• “I’m ready to move on to ...”
• “We’ve already made a decision …”
• “I don’t know why I think this, but ...”
• “Last time we tried this ...”
• “So I think the real problem is ...”
• “My gut tells me ...”

38. Structure Interactions
for desired Outcomes
Figure out what “type” of thinker a person is, and structure your interactions to meet them
where they are first, and then pull them along to where you want them to be. This is easier in
meetings where you can set the agenda.

39. The biggest mistake is believing
that there is just one right way
to listen, to talk, to have a connection
or a relationship.
Deborah Tannen

40. Level 3.
Imagination
Difficulty — Advanced

41. Rewards
• Improves your ability to
“manipulate” situations into
successful outcomes.
Risks
• Requires a greater time
investment.
• Can be overwhelming to
highly sensitive people.
• Can make you doubt your own
value / self-worth.

42. Use your imagination.
Complain from the other perspective.
The assumption is that the listener is on the side of the complainer.
http://lifehacker.com/why-empathy-is-your-most-important-skill-and-how-to-pr-
1505011685
AKA play the devil’s advocate.

48. I think we all have empathy.
We may not have
enough courage to display it.
–Maya Angelou

49. Practicing Empathy
• Level 1: Care just enough to learn more about a
person’s life.
• Level 2: Use thinking strategies to structure
interactions.
• Level 3: Use your imagination to complain from the
other’s perspective.

50. Empathy for self.
Self-empathy
This summer we moved back to the city where my husband grew up. Everything was
overwhelming for me as I tried to map *everything*. Things I took for granted were no longer
obvious. Where could I buy tampons? What does Greggs sell? How do I use the metro to get
to my interview for my National Insurance Number?
Asking James to walk slower, and tell me what the chain stores were, and what kinds of
things they sold allowed me to map my surroundings onto their Canadian equivalents. It also
gave him more ideas about what was difficult for me, and therefore how he could show more
empathy in the future.

51. Empathy for others.
Molly was stuck using dictation software after breaking her wrist. Instead of just asking how
her wrist was feeling, I made sure to structure my emails with yes|no questions instead of
needing lengthy responses. I booked calls instead of relying on written communication.

52. @emmajanehw
http://joind.in/talk/view/12702