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Living Safely and
HE SAYS I LOVE YOU, SO WHY DOES IT HURT?
By Eva Anderson
Personal experiences of the Author who overcame financial
Physiological, emotional, verbal and spiritual abuse at
the hands of the man who said he loved her.
I dedicate this book to my precious child that I recently learned had
not died and is alive today and the truth will set him free.
I also dedicate this to the women who are without the
courage, knowledge and strength to separate from the men who
This book is for everyone who wants to understand a woman’s
plight of abuse. This book was especially written to those women
who suffer without the external scars concerning a wide variety of abuse.
All names in our stories have been changed to protect the privacy
of all parties.
We encourage women and men alike to pick this book up
and benefit from it.
ABUSE AND OTHER
DISEASES OF TODAY’S WORLD.
There is a rapid deterioration of the biological, physiological, spiritual and
earthly quality of humanity. Abuse is only one small symptom of our sick society.
According to: Domestic Violence Statistics Stats from 2015 on:
NY Times reports March 5, 2015
The United Nations’ main health agency, the World Health Organization, found that 38 percent
of women who are murdered are killed by their partners.
Where there are laws on the books — 125 countries criminalize domestic violence today, up
from 89 in 2006, according to Equality Now, which tracks laws that affect women’s rights —
they are not reliably enforced.
The economic impact is huge. One recent study found that domestic violence against women
and children costs the global economy $8 trillion.
Eva Anderson’s comments:
The reason for abuse can be many; cultural upbringing shapes a man’s view of women and how
he treats her. Addictions and emotional illness can cause abusive behavior. I see the male
energy and behavior changing to a more violent and reactive behavior with not much forethought
or reasoning. Many just can’t help themselves but want help. I still see too much silence from
women and outdated resources need to change or update due to the changes in society and the
home. I hope this book will help in many ways to either prevent a woman from entering a
relationship with all the signs or to get safely out of one.
Degenerative diseases such as Cancer, Aids, Lupus, Heart disease,
Handicaps, Obesity and Diabetes.
MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL
Mental illness; anger, anxiety, worry, fear, irritability, depression etc.
Divorce, rape, incest, greed, murder, hatred, isolation, addictions,
Greed, hyprogracy, fears, shame, quilt, falsehood, lies, lack of faith,
and a lack of strong beliefs etc.
Pollution, the destruction of the ozone layer, food shortages, extinction
of species etc.
In my whole life I never thought I would write a book. It took
something terrible, a need to work it out of my system and a desire
to help others that got me taking up the pen. I took up poetry writing
in 1991 and journal writing in 1993 and saw just how therapeutic
writing can really be.
BEWARE OF HIS INFLUENCE.
Our right to be human is slowly taken away. Only courageous women
can admit that they are weak because of the abuse and self-esteem destruction.
We lose ourselves if we become like our mates and do not do our part to get out.
We are OK because we have done our own work even if our abusive mate has not.
They is a chance he may follow us in working things out. They is a good chance
we will not be able to influence him at all, chances are he will only get worse.
Any challenge that the abuser thinks may threaten his manhood is
usual dealt within a violent abusive way. Drinking or other addictions
are common between abusers. If you the victim choose not to leave,
please build the following;
1) Do build a strategy. Save money and learn to depend on yourself.
2) Develop a support system of friends, family or professionals.
3) Build courage. Develop your self-esteem.
Later chapters in this book will help you know how.
DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR.
It takes a lot of courage for anyone who suffered abuse to write about
it. I have reserved a few chapters to cover solutions that work.
Each one of us has a variety of problems to overcome. Most women
want to believe what men tell us. The positive stokes such as, "You
are the woman for me,” "You are the one, I want to marry,” and
"Where have you been my whole life?". We want to be needed, wanted
and desired. For many years our purpose and self-esteem were tied
with the man in our lives. Placing blame is not the solution. Let us not
place blame on the women just because they want to trust mans intentions
& feelings. I know now that we are all responsible for our own self-esteem.
I learned the hard way that love is an action and not just a word.
Just because someone says something that make us feel good it
does not make it so! What is the motive behind the talk?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
We, the abused, need to be heard, understood and supported by
others. Know that you are not alone, many women can relate to you.
Hopefully through these stories you can see how you can get stuck in
an abusive situation. We live in a social diseased society, abuse is
only one small symptom among many. Prevention of abuse is worth
the cure. If this book can touch a life or even save just one life it was
worth the pain. The main reason to write this book is to heal myself
first and then impart knowledge and hope for others in similar situations.
A RAY OF HOPE.
A faint glimmer of the pain I endured remains to be seen only enough to learn from it.
As I recline by the pool side and watch my child swim I count my blessings. I reflect
that we can escape abuse alive. That we can get on with our lives and that all the
courage it took was worth while. They is hope and a future for a woman living with
abuse. We can stop the cycle. We can finally heal, relax and end the fear. It is at times
a long painful and lonely journey. Due to books like this, we can have the courage to
speak up and protect ourselves and loved ones and ask for help.
Like Job in the Bible, we can receive blessings in the end. If you are not familiar with
the Bible account, it tells of a rich man, very much loved then losing everything.
Losing wealth, his family, his friends, his health and thinking God abandoned him.
In the end thru all his faithfulness and endurance he receives from God ten fold in
return. Job had no ray of hope, only despair to the point of his friends and wife saying
to curse God and die. Like a modern day Job you too can have it all back plus more;
a high self-esteem and self love, your freedom from abuse, a wealth of love and riches
too numerous to mention. Gratitude will keep these blessings alive and growing.
During the midst of abuse and during one of my regular therapy sessions I received an
assignment to write a love letter to myself. Yes, you heard right! It has become a hope
for the future and now a self-fulfilling prophecy. To inspire others with a ray of hope
I now share with my readers this most personal letter.
IF I COULD GIVE YOU ANYTHING,
I WOULD GIVE YOU BACK YOURSELF!
You are so precious to me. You are deep in my heart. Safe from the outside. I will
cradle you in my embrace and comfort your fears. I will give you everything you need
and watch you grow. I will make sure you grow, learn, succeed in being the best
human being you can and if you meet any people along the way that may hinder you.
I will take your hand and guide you away. Everything I want to give you no one can
take from you, education, knowledge, feelings and thoughts. I will give you a safe love
to believe in, hope in, that will not come and go. I want you to attach yourself to your
inner child and not people especially men who in the past came and went and took
with them the feelings you have given away so freely. I know you can do well in
As you grow and settle down now and in the future till old age and death overtakes
you. I will surround you with love, light, warmth, flowers, plants you can grow ,
animals as close companions and children you can help and love plus music to caress
your soul, though your writings and your music you will discover how talented and
beautiful you really are. You will touch peoples hearts with your talent. The rest of
your life will be devoted to that and if by special circumstances and blessings you meet
another special and beautiful soul as a mate, I will see to it that your life be complete.
Learning and fun is on your pathway, you can be yourself, embrace yourself, welcome
yourself, see yourself, accept yourself and say to yourself welcome to this new life.
Sincerely yours forever,
A lot of the above mentioned things can not be bought with money. I have learned it
is OK to have it all and do what you love while helping others. The ultimate is to turn
a negative into a positive.
DANCE OF LIFE
In the dance of life where joy, growth and happiness exists, we stop dancing just long
enough to reflect from the past, learn our lesson and not repeat the same mistake.
Today I can truly say and reflect on my experiences if only to learn and help others.
The sun rises everyday in my life now! As I sit behind my large desk or travel cross
country and write, my words flow like the rivers that I pass by in my travels. I know
in my heart they is hope for everyone. Hope to heal, hope to grow and to reach new
heights. The simple pleasures spark joy within me the same way the smile on my
child’s face sparks mine. The painful past is only a faint glimmer that glows in the
background to remind me of the blessings I hold so dear now. I feel born again,
everything from music to love has renewed meaning. The unfamiliar sights and sounds
in the past that instilled fear are now gone. Though the pain comes the healing,
freedom from the abuse, freedom from the fear. Freedom is the key to true
happiness and healing now! I can pick a healthier relationship based on a healthier
self esteem. I can stand tall, getting beyond the defensive boundaries. Yes we must
establish healthy boundaries not just based on the old fear but on a new love for
yourself. I no longer fear the future, the outcome, the circumstances that are beyond
control. I have learned to trust life again. In fear love can not exist. Let me by my
book give you reason and ability to regain your strength to never live in fear again.
Now when you dance, close your eyes in complete trust, the future is in your hands.
Hope is a ray of sunshine, a light at the end of the tunnel, a rainbow shining bright at
the end of the storm. This book is for you to shed positive hope in the matter of
domestic abuse from someone who like yourself has lived though it.
EMPOWER YOURSELF, SEE YOURSELF FREE, FEEL YOURSELF STRONG, BE
SELF RELIANT AND INDEPENDENT, FEAR NO LONGER AND ASSERT
WOMANHOOD. I DID AND I KNOW YOU CAN TOO.
UNHEALTHY LOVE ADDICTION.
Relationships are ideally based on love, trust, understanding and communication.
Healthy love is not just a word but it’s an action. It’s an healthy action and seeks
the well being of both ourselves and others. You do not just hear the words,
"I love you” but it is a positive and active force in your life. It is a love that is
emotional and safe with room to grow for you and your partner. Generations of
families have created many offspring looking for love, that resembles the love they
grew up with. No matter how addicted, pocessive or dysfunctional our past was, we
still look for the same love. I have seen the proper kind of love heal the worst of
wounds. I know the proper kind of love can heal the negative wounds of society. Love
is the answer to feeling alone, feeling unloved, having a low self-worth, being abused,
feeling angry and unable to care. We need to heal our wounds and our lack of love
through self-help programs, therapy and healthy friendships. One way I have healed
myself, is by writing in my journal and creating poetry. For every beginning and
closure in a relationship, I write a poem. It clears my head, it makes sense, it
it helps me to see my feelings in front of me. The following is a sample of one of my
LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY
In a distance place
the sky opened
and the earth shook
my heart was trembling
my hands shaking
rain was falling from my eye
in a distant place
exist my lover
left behind were only the feelings
trapped within my soul
my senses seek relief
from this yearning
long ago and far away
are all my loves
gone, buried , jet living
in my soul?
my feelings await a new love
alas, I'm reaching out to me
set me free, watch me grow
I seek a new love
from long ago and far away
who will yearn to be there
and treasure my heart and soul
that person is me.
To the reader of this book I wish her to learn to love herself first and protect as well as
treasure her heart. Set yourself free from abuse.
WHAT THIS BOOK IS ALL ABOUT . . .
This book is not just about poetry but the few I share have special
meaning to me and have touched those I've read them to. Along
with poetry is the personal experience of the Author who like many have endured
unhealthy relationships. Even thou the names were changed to protect the
people, the story’s remain TRUE TO LIFE.
OUR HEALTHY NEEDS.
To be healthy, we all need love in society and a healthy flow of
give and take. Too much isolation creates unhealthy thoughts and
feelings. We need a sense of community and society in our lives. We need to care, to
give and receive help in times of need. Family values and society as a whole have
changed and we turn elsewhere to cope. One example; the family pet provides some
of our needs. Our need to feel needed, a reason to wake, a reason to come home, an
object of fun and enjoyment. A pet to most people provides a sense of comfort and
companionship. One way that we numb our need for healthy love is though addiction.
Society encourages pleasure and work addition. The work and play hard practice.
Why all of a sudden do we have an overwhelming array of additions to everything such
as exercise, food, risks, pleasures, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, love, work etc. We
need to love ourselves from the inside first, otherwise we make wrong choices and
choose addictions that may harm us and others. We turn to relationships no matter
how unhealthy and painful just to hear the words, "I love you!” When we think with
our narrow perception we start thinking that everything happening to us is normal or
that we have no other healthy choices. This book will hopefully help many in
unhealthy relationships to make the right choice that is best for them. Through the
personal experiences of just one person, we can increase our insight, we can relate, we
can help ourselves. By helping ourselves we are creating self-responsibility. We can
blame our parents for the way we were raised, we can blame society for our many ills,
we can even blame ourselves and create for ourselves a low self-worth but why have
such a self-defeating attitude. Blame tears down. Blame is partially denial. Blame is
guilt. They is no growth in blame. We stay stuck with quilt and blame. We find excuses
to stay stuck. Remember that freedom and growth is the key to happiness. May you
learn, grow and discover new freedom of good choices. May you use wisdom and grow
without the pain I endured. Making the right choices now and in the future with a ray
MANY FACES OF ABUSE.
Abuse has many sugar coated faces. If abuse was more easily recognized more
people would avoid it. For those who were raised in an abusive family , abuse feels
familiar and comfortable because we relate to it as the only love we knew as a child.
Abuse can take years before the controlling abuser leaves his mark. It can start out
care taking, pocessiveness or maybe control. Mind you, not every controlling person
or jealous person turns abuser. But most abusers are controlling and jealous.
If it was that easy abuse could be more avoidable. The abuser for the most part,
missed out on the right kind of love when being raised as a child. Healthy love,
caring and nurturing parents produce adults with healthy self-esteem.
These adults in turn can make correct choices. They can recognize the wrong
patterns that lead to abuse. If the man in your life confides you around
his life and needs and controls your time, effort, money, even every
action take heed. Things usually only get worst leading to physical,
sexual, financial or emotional abuse. One of the first steps to take
is to define and recognize the verses forms of abuse.
FIRST - Physical Abuse
Physically injuring a person by striking, hitting, slapping or shaking.
The abuser usually is out of control, something snaps, perhaps he
was over drinking.
SECOND - Verbal and emotional abuse
Verbal abuse means verbal slapping by name calling, using terms like ugly, bad,
dumb or swear words. Emotional abuse can involve withholding love or security.
These wounds leave invisible scars years later, hard to see and seldom treated.
THIRD - Sexual abuse
Exploiting a person for the abusers gratification. Many abusers like this have a
hard time seeing it as abuse because most were abused as children. These adults
confuse power, love and caring with sexual abuse.
FOURTH - Financial abuse
Abusers attract and hold on to they victims with the offer of money
but control they victims to stay by holding money over they heads.
Hoping they victims become dependent on them and won't leave.
Many people use control to protect they interest and its outcome.
Most abusers were victims in turn seeking to make others they
victims, continuing the cycle of victimization. As the Author of this
book I have grown, I can have a healthy love with an emotionally
healthy individual so can you.
We are responsible for ourselves and need to find a way to educate
ourselves about life and love. We have requirements for certifications,
education, degrees, licenses etc. for every subject except the most important
event and journey of our life, relationships.
IN THE BEGINNING OF MY RELATIONSHIP.
In the beginning God made man and he saw that it was good.
In the beginning of any relationship we can always see the good and
dream of the future. I can say that I did the night that I met Jim
( his name along with the rest has been changed to protect the privacy
of all people in this true story ). This is the beginning of a two and a
half year journey. The very first night I met Jim he said I was the girl
he wanted to marry. Little did I realize then, what a hold and
influence he had over my belief system. Perhaps It was his puppy dog
eyes or maybe like every woman I wanted to hear those words. I no
longer wanted to be single and searching, but that night I felt
wanted, embraced and appreciated. Little did I realize that this was
the beginning of a very pocessive & unhealthy relationship. Phones
calls happened every day and visits to my place 3-5 times a week.
Since he lived with his mother I saw nothing wrong with his many
visits to my place. He had a business that gave him a lot of free time.
Right away he mentioned that he had ADD , Attention Deficient
Disorder and depression. Why I ask myself did I not consider the
above information , then proceeded with caution. But I knew nothing
about ADD , and that every person was affected to different degrees.
I saw through everything he said to me, what he was and did, and
saw an innocent child of wonder and learning. I learned over the next
two years that all of us have an adult, parent and inner child within
us. In time I learned that Jim was like a three year old in a grown
body. For the next several years I received flowers every week. Cards
and letters would say the things his calls did not. The rest of the family
gave me the cold shoulder. When I met Jim he was in therapy for
about two years. I saw an unhealthy attachment to any woman especially
to his female therapist in a emotional way. Other warning signs were
Jim's unhealthy attachments to any female that got to know him , he
could confide in and develop a trusting relationship. One girl was
his former helper in his business who said that he stalked her. By this
time I was in love and saw past all this stuff. Perhaps I was blind with
feelings, perhaps I saw only the good. The man that tried to always
improve and better himself. The man that has no end to giving. A
man that needed me , wanted me, learned from me with an open
mind toward me. He became so much a part of me that separation
and breaking up with me disturbed him deeply. Suicide threats were
they if I never saw him again. We must of broke up over a dozen
times, with pleading and threats controlling my better sense. If I
rejected his generous dates and gifts he got insecure and felt I did
not love him. He was so dependent on my brain to think, on my heart
to feel that I lost myself and who I was, what I was , and what's
important to me. I knew more about Jim and what to do to make
him happy. His many moods and anger were very stressful for me to
put up with. But I never considered myself abused perhaps it was
because he never laid a hand on me. He was only concerned with
my happiness. Anything I wanted he wanted to give me. I heard the
words, I Love You, thousands of time. Everything I missed out as a
child he wanted to provide. Everything I wanted in life he wanted to
be or be a part of. How could this man be bad. I did not see how
much I lost myself or how confiding our relationship was becoming
He was married once before and a divorced father of a six year
old son. I told myself how could a father with full custody be bad.
A child that looked so much like me he could of past as my son .
Worst jet he called me mom for several years. I learned he never
bonded with his mother as a infant and he never had the chance.
Jim's ex-wife had a drug problem at the time so he received full custody.
He also took care of his child as an infant to this current time. I did not see
his pocessiveness carried through with his son or me, but it was there.
He wanted that family he never had. Nothing would stop him
including my desire to stop the relationship. Now that I have laid the
foundation behind the relationship let me take you back in time,
to the beginning of my life.
TO LOVE AND BE LOVED
My mom and dad prayed four years to have a child, finally I came
along. My mother had the hardest time trying to conceive and for all
of my life I never had any brothers and sisters. This was the
beginning of my life, a life full of love and attention. My mother's love
was very protective and pocessive, but at least I was wanted. My
father was a teacher and professor, always bringing home college
staff doctors for family dinner parties. We lived in the upper class
section of Coral Cables, Florida. I was always in my mom’s arms.
Mom always boosted about her daughter, she took
the credit that I got her looks and my Dad's brains. She made
friends for me because I was extremely shy. Then one day when I
3 years old, my life was turned upside down and inside out when
she took off with another man and left me with my dad. For eight
months he had a chance to raise me and spoiled me with love and
attention. One day I hear a knock on the door , my mom's back to
take me away from my dad. My father agreed to a divorce but full
custody went to my father. My mom said they were best friends after
the divorce. Now I know why, despite having full custody he gave me
to my mom to take me away from Florida to the West coast of
California. My step-father was a cruel example of a father. He had a
lot of anger and hatred toward me. My mom tried to protect me but
could not always do so. Much of my childhood before the age of 10
years is no longer a memory. Since the age of 4 I have never seen
my father because my mother is afraid he would take me away from
her. When I turned 12 years of age my dad offered for me to live
with him and get a good education. My mom pressured me to say
no. She used guilt to influence my decision not to live with him. No
wonder I am attracted to possessive and controlling relationships. No
wonder I am looking for everything in one man, a best friend, lover
father and brother , a tall order no one could fill. My mom remarried
two more times, and still with no brothers and sisters for me to grow
up with. I never lived longer then 1 year in any one place always leaving
my friends behind. I learned the painful lesson of lose early in life.
Since that time I have lost dozens of friends and no longer
communicate with any family members on both sides of the family.
That is not the way I would like things to be. My mother rarely shared
me with anyone . I was everything to her and fulfilled a lot of her
emptiness. I was her emotional support . I remember her saying that
she did a good job raising me, that I was such a good kid.
Recently I have been doing a lot of self help reading
and realize a child can be emotionally raped by her parents.
I did not know emotional boundaries due to poor parental
examples. Due to my past experiences I really did not know myself
until recently. Abandonment and emotional abuse was part of my
upbringing. Blame is not the solution but I know the source and
answers to my past. Now I am fully responsible for the outcome of
my own life. Years of therapy, hundreds of books, and support groups
has helped to heal most of the buried emotional wounds. We
become set in repeating the same patterns of dysfunctional
relationship selection of mates. Jim reminds me of my mother and
her relationship with me. I just went full circle and realize my sub
-conscious mind needs reprogramming. The demanding, controlling,
overly protective and pocessive ways of my mother showed through in
my recent relationship. We can reframe life experiences and see the
light. We need total self-honesty to finish personal business and a
willingness to change. In our childhood conditioned self we have
needs, wants, expectations and empty old wounds that surface our
neediness. Later in life, we use relationships to deny, pretend ,
prove, or win with issues or people. I grew up believing that love had
no healthy boundaries. My needs came last or not at all. All adult
problems were laid on me emotionally. Responsiablity was given me
before I was a teenager. Decisions like where should we move,
knowing we only had ten dollars for a train ride from Germany.
To live at the end of each month on army rations from friends,
always worried me what we were going to eat the next day. She would
live off my support money the first two weeks of each month and
worry the last two weeks. In Germany when I was 13 years old we
lived in a apartment with no shower or tub, we washed in the kitchen
sink. We also only had heat in the living room with a wood burning
stove. That is the room my mother slept in , sometimes we slept
together on a pull out couch. Most often in the winter I was in the
bedroom with the door shut and no heat. It must of been 30-40
degrees. I slept with my coat, boots , hat and gloves on. My mother
needed privacy in the other room with her boyfriend. I could keep
going on and on , but I am grateful for a number of things. First
she gave birth to me and prayed 4 years to have me. I am here
because of her effects. I have beautiful skin because of her. I am
affectionate and emotional like her. I am thankful I have my fathers
brain and logic. I can adjust to change because of my many travels.
My mother always spoke very highly of my dad and I always put him on
a pedestal. My loyalty and obedience always went to my mother.
REFLECTIONS ON INNER PEACE
We all seek the secret of having inner peace. We try in many different
ways to create inner peace ; accumulating things, seeking forms of
pleasure, staying busy, setting goals etc. Getting and not giving
does not contribute toward inner peace. Being thankful is an excellent
way to achieve it. If we are grounded inwardly, have purpose, pacing
confidence and direction then we are centered in the storm of
emotional abuse. In nature their is balance, harmony and order in the
universal. We are all linked to this universal order. We are abundant
positive energy with love. Our lives can then make a difference. Love
brings back the balance in our lives.
LOVE , INNOCENCE AND BIRTH.
Each one of us is a rare and unique being. Each new creation a true
miracle. Each birth is a display of lost innocence. A pure untouched
soul arrives, how traumatic that arrival becomes. Birth a special event
that happens every single day. Each person is a unique gift of love
and life. If I see the negative then I see what separates us. Look with
eyes of love and you have unity. Love and acceptance go hand in
hand. If we neglect the spirit, we will be out of balance and not at
peace. When we are at one with ourselves, with acceptance, gratitude
and love, then we will be filled with inner peace. How do you achieve
inner peace when you are all alone. Change aloneness to all-one -ness.
When storms rage inside ask who is in charge , God or me? God will
calm your waters. Change takes time. There is no quick fix to life.
Growth and healing is for a life time. No one , even God, can change the past &
future. Look only to the past as an example to avoid future mistakes.
With knowledge comes hope. Life reflects God and his likeness in all
his creation. Fly free with purpose, sore up high, look down upon your
life as a whole and change what you can. Welcome change and do
not fear the uncertain. The final arrival of enlightenment is like a
candle flame, flicking in size and brightness upon our world
MY JOURNAL OF ABUSE
I want to feel happy and balanced with peace of mind. I want
room within to feel contentment and peacefulness. My long-term
anger and resentment leaves no room to breath in deep.
I feel my mom was never a good example of a mother. She
pride herself in being my best and only friend. Not teaching me
proper healthy boundaries. My social and friendship skills were never
developed. I was my mom's emotional crutch and was dragged from
bar to bar with her. She told me daily how good a mother she was,
how much she loved me. The night life and men were more
important then my needs. My mom always looked for her happiness
and answers to her problems in me or her boyfriends. I was
encouraged to cry to let emotions out, welcoming suffering. Anger I
never knew, my other feelings were denied, pushed down inside me. I
remember being sad, uncertain, worried, depressed, lonely etc. I
am anger now as an adult knowing what her upbringing has done to
mold my life. I remember not being believed. I need faith, hope, trust
and a healthy type of love. I want to give it to myself and do not
know where to reach for it. I want to get to forgiveness and release
all my old anger and make peace! Years later I have healed and
I am capable of being the best mother to my child.
MEN BEHAVING BADLY.....
The stresses in the world has caused all of us to act a little crazy.
Abuse and murder is the ultimate outcome of stress on the job and
at home. How we react to stress at home, will influence how we
handle possible abusive situations. I believe men behave badly because
of a combination of factors;
1) BRAIN CHEMISTRY - hormones, neurons, etc.
2) CHILDHOOD UPBRINGING - abuse, lack of love, quilt, neglect etc.
3) EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL STRESS OVERLOAD - leading to violence.
4) CHEMICAL ABUSE - alcohol, drugs, food etc.
5) HEALTH PROBLEMS - Mental, emotional and physical.
As their spouse no matter what we do to make things
right it does no good unless the abuser feels a need to change . The
abuser needs to change his brain chemistry, upbringing and belief
systems, lifestyle changes, and seek professional therapy etc. Education is
the first step then a heart felt desire to change. The abuser needs to
learn how to self-love himself first before he is any good for his
family. Most times the only answer as the abused is to get out , and
to seek to help yourself. ( In the last chapter you will find organizations for
men only, who have a problem with abuse, control and anger.)
Can we predict a possible abuser before we marry him?
There are no guarantees but here are some guidelines and examples.
Jim's behavior perplexed me greatly so I made a list of his
personality pro's and con's.
Here is a sample list;
Compulsive Good cook
Quick tempered Always wants to improve
Careless Wants marriage and kids
Self-absorbed Tried hard to please
HOW JIM FOOLED ME.
This list was made early in the relationship before any crimes were
committed. He disliked himself always, wanted to change and please others.
A very low self-esteem was behind his desire to improve.
I look at the motives of his so called positive qualities he has.
The first time I met him he said I was the girl he wanted to marry
He knew what women in general like to hear. He tried hard
to make me feel loved and get dependent on him for my own self-
esteem. I do realize he cannot love me or build up my self-esteem if
he felt less about himself. It is more important to me how good a
man feels about himself. I am responsible for my own self-esteem.
Jim is not loyal to his or any standards, they are always changing to
benefit him in many ways. His belief system are weak and
mixed with evil. He needs to believe he is good, because grief and
guilt would otherwise eat away at him. His perception has no healthy
comparison to know if his thinking is right. A lot of his energy emotionally
and mentally is devoted to scheming, defending, covering his tracks and
denial. This keeps him stuck, never improving or growing. Growth is a sign
of a healthy individual. If a person can reason properly, in turn create good
decisions , both he and the people he is around will benefit from that.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
The healing process needs a belief system based on the harmonies
workings of the inner child, parent and adult self. We need to nurture
the inner child with our inner parent. First readers need to
understand that the inner child refers to the child we grew up with ,
all of it's unmet needs and wounds. When seeking a mate we attract
that kind of person that was similar to our real parents. We have
later in life sub-conscious expectations to fill those unmet needs. If
we had abusive or neglectful parents we will likely attract the same
unhealthy cycle. We need to learn to provide everything we need
now. We need to provide healthy parenting even thou we did not have
the proper examples. If we do not have those taught skills we have
resources such as therapy, support groups such as CODA, and
books/tapes. Support groups are free, books and research can be done
in the library and if you qualify low cost or free therapy sources are
available through various organizations.
WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF
RESPONDING TO THE ABUSER.........
Remember if your life is in danger when speaking up then disregard
this section of verbal responds. Remember your self-esteem, self-
worth and self-love can be built up and nurtured by you , and others
professionally aware of him and the situation. In the following are a
few examples of conversations of the abused and they victims. The
method or motive plus the recommended responses have been
REMEMBER THAT VERBAL ABUSE IS A VIOLATION,
NOT JUST A CONFLICT!
10 EXAMPLES TO HELP YOU -
ABUSER : "You never know how to do anything right!"
METHOD : Puts you down to destroy your self-worth.
REPLY : "You never know how to talk to me with respect, as a
ABUSER : "You are getting upset over nothing."
METHOD : Denial
REPLY : "You are saying that my feelings are nothing, that is wrong.
With two people both of our feelings are equally important."
ABUSER : "I never agreed to that, I do not know where you got that
idea." (It is abuse if it is a lie!)
METHOD : Denial, lying and forgets on purpose.
REPLY : " I trust my memory, if you choose to forget for some
reason, that is your business but does not change reality."
ABUSER : "You are not happy unless you are complaining."
METHOD : DiscountingUndermining.
REPLY : " I am sticking it out hoping you will see the light. I have
hope, complaining shows I am not happy."
ABUSER : "If you are not happy, why don't you just leave."
METHOD : Threatening
REPLY : " I would like to stay and be happy but it takes two."
ABUSER : "They is nothing I have to say." OR " What do you mean I never talk to
METHOD : Withholding
REPLY : " If you keep your feelings, hopes, dreams, to yourself it prevents real
intimacy and understanding between us. "
ABUSER : " Come in here now, and get rid of this now!"
METHOD : Ordering
REPLY : " Please ask me in a nice way , you get more accomplished with kindness."
ABUSER : " Who ask you !"
METHOD : Undermining
REPLY : " I can speak, not just when I am spoken to."
ABUSER : " You are stupid , and you know it!"
METHOD : Put down Judging
REPLY : " That is your opinion, that does not make it a fact!"
WIFE : " Honey, I am real tired and not in the mood for sex."
ABUSER : "If you are not getting it from me, then tell me who you
are getting it from?"
METHOD : Blaming
REPLY : " Sex should only be if mutual, if you read more into it then the fact I am
tired, please do not!"
ABUSER : "You always have to have the last word!"
METHOD : Accusing
REPLY : "I have been put in a position to defend myself or stand up
for myself. We should both be in each others corner!"
Remember you are his target, he needs that external fix to make
himself feel powerful and good. An unhealthy power that harms you
the victim and keeps the abuser fixed , addicted or stuck on you and
the sense of feeling powerful.
METHODS EMPLOYED BY ABUSERS.
Remember that many times verbal abuse leads to physical abuse. We
will attempt to explain and list the different methods that abusers
commonly use to get to they victims.
2) SICK HUMOR
6) POINT THE FINGER
10) NO RESPECT
11) FEAR through ANGER
You could make a list of how your spouse displays any of the above
methods of abuse. Give actual accounts in your journal for future
reference. Keep your writings safe in unknown places to others.
Date everything and list all details. Your pen and paper will soon be
like a good friend, always they to listen, to remind you, to support you.
If you have been abused you are going to need a lot of support,
perhaps a listening ear, a hug, validation that you are OK, knowing
that you are not alone. Reach out, read and listen to those who
went through it. Know the laws in your town. Always save up and
become financial independent. We must protect our belief system. We
must have strong beliefs and not let anyone discount or
undermine them. We must stand up for ourselves in a tactful and
loving way. By loving ourselves first and being selfish in a good way is
important in maintaining our emotionally healthy self.
Many abusers mistake they mates as they enemy. Distrust, games
and giving her a hard time is not really working toward love and
unity. Even if you summit to his treatment, it will not help lesson the
abuse. Remember his reality, perception and power over you is
important to him and nothing else matters. It becomes a fix, habit or
addiction to feel needed and cared for. He cannot see the pain because
of denial or will not try to and leaves then to avoid accepting blame.
Isolation is one area the abuser uses to wall off his victim from others.
He may be insecure, pocessive, selfish, jealous and the victims
insulation does not fill his needs only feeds it more. The more she is
kept in the dark away from others the more he can continue his
control over her while others are unaware of the problem.
True intimacy requires mutual intention to communicate, understand,
share, respond, and support one another. Many victims try alone at
achieving intimacy to no avail. We the victim do not give up easy,
otherwise in our already low self-esteem state we would have to
admit to failure.
COMMON TRAITS OF THE ABUSER.
MEMORY - Either the abuser’s memory is very bad in denial or very
good with being obsessed with his object of desire.
LONER & NON-SOCIAL - Clings or rejects people or structure
DISLOYAL - Cheats on society or friends and family.
JEALOUS - Envy. Does not feel others deserve what they receive.
Insecure and unsure.
POWER & CONTROL - Gets what he want at all expense - use to
getting the results he seeks. Uses badness to get what he feels he
FALSE FRONTS - Not true to themselves or anyone. They have the
ability to fool authorities, therapists, victims, friends and family.
Outwardly they pretend to be good and mean well, are nice and
PERCEPTION - is very narrow, warped. He perceives by his own
feelings not any other source. See's himself as a helpless victim.
USER - feels entitled to attention, love & material things from others.
ADDICTIONS - To a variety of things from power, control, processing
money, sex, risks, drugs, alcohol etc.
Most abusers cannot reason with foresight, hindsight, and consider the
consequences , if so, it would save a lot of victims of the effects of abuse.
WAYS TO CHANGE HIS NEGATIVE
1) AFFIRMATIONS -
You can give yourself emotional support by turning inward. First
change your belief system by subconscious affirmations. Sayings that
have positive statements that begin mostly with I AM , I DO, I CAN
& I WILL . We will provide a sample list of possible affirmations or
take your time and create your own.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED.
First you need a tape recorder that records and plays. Second record
on a cassette in your own voice those affirmations that apply to you,
repeat each sentence seven times on your recorder. Listen to that
recording twice a day for more then 72 hours. Within the 72 hours
permanent changes will start in your sub-conscious mind. Many of
your negative self-taught thoughts , feelings, beliefs will be gone and
replaced with positive beliefs that will motivate you.
SAMPLE AFFIRMATIONS OR CREATE YOUR own;
I am not afraid. Fear has no control over me.
I am strong and capable of taking care of me and my children.
I can let my feelings out and deal with them.
I can be self-sufficient and take care of myself.
I am worth more then abuse.
I will develop a healthy self-esteem and self-worth.
I have an internal and external support system every day.
I love myself enough to take care of myself and my kids.
I will take care of my wants, needs and desires.
I do deserve a healthy love.
I can be loved and give love.
I am a beautiful person.
I can be strong and lovable.
I attract only good in my life.
I deserve the best in life.
I can be treated with love and respect.
I am a great person and people love me.
2) Expressing anger;
We deny our power when we ignore our anger, and bury our feelings.
Feelings never go away unless we face them and deal with them. As
humans we all have rights to our feelings, they are real and a needed
expression, do not let the abuser tell you otherwise. His plan is to
slowly destroy your individual feelings, needs and esteem. One solution
to feel powerful again is to let your anger out in private and
constructively. Some ways I have used is; I rolled up my car windows
and screamed & punched my pillow and verbalized what is bothering me.
I write daily in a journal my thoughts and feelings. You will be
surprised want comes out of you. Why let those feelings eat away at
your soul. You are hurt and you deserve to be anger. First we are a victim
then we victimize others. Unless we have an outlet and a complete
healing we may carry the abusers traits down the family line.
3) Read and listen to others experiences;
Learn from them, take heart you are not alone. Abuse is a lot more
common then anyone cares to believe. That does not make it
anymore right just because it is becoming more common place.
Share, if you feel safe also read, listen, learn, understand and get strength
by using your mind.
4) Be good to yourself every day;
Fuel yourself with good thoughts, fun things, healthy and wholesome
activities, friends you trust and pray to your higher power. Eat well,
sleep well and most important, exercise to let out the stress of abuse.
Exercise decreases the negative effects of stress and strain. Walking is
best, listen to a tape while walking or talk to a friend.
5) Last know your resources and options;
This book will provide some but your community may have more.
What ever decision you make, remember you & your kids lives are the
most important. Do not let fear control your life, take charge, take
control & empower yourself. Sometimes leaving can make it worst,
because the object of addiction for power and control has left.
In his eyes you are his enemy if you leave. Your needs, hurts, desires are
not even real. You are only inside his narrow perception of reality. I have
devoted an entire chapter on how to get inside the mind of the
abuser. Have you ever tried reasoning with an addicted individual
that's drunk or on drugs. Abusers mostly cannot be reasoned with
because of they own addictions to you.
Women need to always be prepared in case of anything. Always have
your own transportation , money, checking account, education, friends,
a second home you could move to if need be. I personally would
always have my own bank savings deposit box with cash, cellular
phone and phone number. Even if I could take only the clothes on
my back and my children I would be gone. When I was in danger
after Jim left I carried mace with green die and tear gas because of
the HIT that was called on me. I always kept a handwritten diary of
all evidence of communication and activities between me and the
abuser. Some of my diary enters are recorded in this book.
Remember that this book is to heal my wounds and help other
women in a similar situation to gain a better understanding of they
situation to know the alternatives and have the strength to leave if
MY DAILY MEDITATIONS ON A DYSFUNCTIONAL
TAKEN FROM THE AUTHORS DIARY.
Why must someone be in control of the reactions of his partner.
Why must he try to control the outcome of any given situation.
Reactions have now replaced communications. I need to read facial
expressions and sense what is going on. Anger seems to be the only
honest emotion. But the reasons why that person is angry is still a
mystery. Love has been betrayed by the mere expression of words and
inconsistent actions. In turn this game of how much can I screw with
my partners beliefs happen. He is very insecure and needs to control the
outcome of every situation. He will do anything to reassure himself
that he is loved and desired. His pocession has replaced a healthy love.
It feels so smothering, confiding and with no room for growth. This
partner does not see how much control he is using or harm he is
causing. All attention centers around his feelings and thoughts.
Selfishly centered around his wants, needs, desires, hurts, feelings and
thoughts. You have here a little child in a grown man. Many needs
that were not met as a child is his concern. What was missing in his
childhood is the heavy responsibly of his current partner. Jet at times he
is childlike in a more positive way. Open to change, growth and easily
influenced by the good and bad around him. He would say to me
, when you get a thought you stick with it, you don't let it go. I do
not understand why you feel that way? My feelings and thoughts
were never accepted as OK. He welcomed my dependency on him
and he would say the hell with them. He would speak down about
me to others to the point of slander. Turning everyone he knew
against me and to make himself look better. He would create an
isolated situation of just him and me. He would want to spend every
free moment with me, keeping me from other people especially men
thinking he could control my faithfulness. I have a set of standards
that never change; morals, goals and values that remain good.
When disfunction exist my creativity and growth is
stunted. It feeds upon itself and grows while healthy love dies.
Crimes are the extreme of disfunction.
A VICTIMS NEEDS
I need to speak and be understood. I need to be accepted. I am
dating someone entering his teenage years at 33. He rebels, he is
stubborn, he makes his own rules, he is finally moving out on his own and
jet dependent on his mother only a block away. I need GOD and I need
my inner wisdom. I need to see things clearly and make right
decisions. I really respect intelligent and decisive people. I need a
grown man in my life. I need to trust. I need to accept and be
accepted. I need a safe love to believe in.
CRIMES OF THE HEART
Being a prisoner of a dysfunctional love is no picnic. It takes it's
toll on your mental, spiritual and physical health. It takes all your
strength plus the help of other professionals to regain the good that
was once lost. Do not give up! Life is a continual journey and endless
learning adventure. People need to come and go in our lives. Change
is continual and growth has pain mixed in with it. As adults we are
responsible and capable of making that journey as painless as
possible. One way is to take the shortest route and pass helpful people
on the road, if we get off the beaten path of our wounded life.
A VICTIMS FEELINGS
Where are all the people. Faces and bodies jet no souls
connecting. Communication and acceptance where are you? To let
someone in means to expose yourself to hurt. Without risk we cannot
live fully. Death is the only safe place for some people. No wonder
we live in a suicide environment, it is the ultimate detachment. It
is not the solution or answer, it is only a desperate plead for a safe
place with no return. Embrace and risk rejection you are worth that
and more. We need people, let us show them with acceptance and
love that we are part of they lives.
JIM'S CRIMES OF THE HEART
LETTERS OF DECEPTION
WRITTEN BY THE ABUSER
I received many letters for three years convincing me of his intentions
with me. True goodness does not have to be defended or explained.
Either we are good or evil. I never experienced in all of my dating
years someone with such a low self-esteem and always trying to sell
himself to me. I have heard that (unhealthy) love is blind, I wanted to
believe everything his words said. Here are a few sample letters.
Notice the attitude of the writer as my hero, my future hope, doing
all he can to influence my decisions.
SAMPLE LETTER FROM JIM.
The terrible situation you brought to my attention last Friday
deeply concerns me. In sharing the information this past weekend and
concluding our discussion of it on Monday.
If what we've talked about is so , that your safety is in danger
and maybe your life , and has to do with anything to do with people
we have talked about or someone not sure of . I really want to do
my best to get these people out of yours and my life forever. Your
safety is very important as is your well being, to me ,and I want you
to know I will do what ever is right and what ever it takes in aiding
protection and helping you by installing the security system we talked
about, getting a private investigator, I will even talk with police and
work with to get whom ever is doing this to you far away, to conclude
this horrible harassment you are receiving.
When I told you that you were my best friend and you said you
were my only friend, I must say friends help and I want to help you ,
please let me. I am a human being, I have problems, I make
mistakes, I am changing and there are no buts about it. To see my
best friend carry all this weight of this burden is not right. Please
allow me to help rectify this situation in any way I am able to or
capable of doing so. Lets both put our heads together to ease this
fear and worry and make positive light from this bad circumstance. I
do not know what else I can do to assure you in feeling safe and
comfortable about me trying to help you and give my support or gain
my trust in helping out. You know how I can be reached if you need
me or just to talk with anytime day or night. With my most
Facts made known to the Author.
After receiving the above letter.
Little does anyone know that 5-6 months later after hearing from a
detective that a hit on me was planned. Two men with clubs and
masks were to put me in a coma and break my legs. He, my
boyfriend paid thousands of dollars to his friends to do the job, money
was exchanged. After 6 months of intense fear and emotional stress
he confesses to me he planned and paid for this crime against me.
He said it was because he wanted no man to find me attractive and
want to make love to me. He commanded the breaking of my legs
but when he found out detectives were hot on his trail and his hit man
told on him, he called off the Hit on me. He wanted forgiveness and
friendship from me. His guilt was eating away at him. Then I find out
two other friends got this confession. Like the letter said he discontinued
his association with the hit men. I feel life to this man is a stage with
players and he is the producer and director of everyone because
of his need to control.
SOME OF THE CRIMES I HAVE ENDURED FROM HIM ARE THE
SLANDER - Making up things according to his warped perception
turning lifelong friends against me. All his relatives and friends
disassociated themselves from us because of his wicked tongue.
HARASSMENT - Many attempts to call me from phone booths and
hung up on me.
STEALING - My keys he confessed in stealing to give to the hit men.
My garbage was stolen to see if I was seeing anyone and to know my
LIRE - Even though he gave me a disease he claims he never had a
lover or was unfaithful to me.
HARASSMENT - Following me to instill fear in me to the point of
speeding and almost causing an accident. Driving by to check up on
PROPERTY DAMAGE - $1500 worth of automobile damage to my
new car. Did not want to pay and said to go to criminal court. I did
go and received damages. Other major crimes were done. Written
and verbal confessions were received. If deception, manipulation ,
control , possessiveness is a crime then add those too.
SEQUENCES OF EVENTS AND HAPPENINGS
DURING OUR COURTSHIP AND
1) First hour after meeting him he said I was the girl he
wanted to marry.
2) After a few weeks I discovered he owned 6-7 guns including
one human assault weapon. I asked why, his reply was that
he was worried someone was going to take his son away. He
promised to sell them to a friend and said with pride he
would be able to get them back any time he needed them.
3) Admitted to me that he has Attention Deficient Disorder but
he was on two different medications.
4) Admitted he was sexually abused by his father and no one
but one member in his family knew.
5) Admitted to me he thinks most or all in his family has
6) May 1993 he bought me an engagement ring.
7) During the two and a half years we broke up over a dozen
8) Took himself off his medication without his Doctors
permission, then the abuse and crimes started.
9) Admitted in writing that he forced sex on me when on
vacation in Maine
10) 1994-1995 For 8 months pretended to be interested in my
past religion by study and meetings but proved false.
11) During this time he verbally promised he was going to play
games from now on.
12) I rejected his offer for a free 4 year degree, free travel to
Germany to visit my relatives, and 51% ownership in his
13) Test drove a Acrura Intrega for $18,900 and decided
against it because I wanted to buy a Neon for $13,600 and
use all my own money I saved.
14) During 1994 slandered me among my religious
friends I knew for 15 years. Started to feel the efforts of
spiritual, emotional and financial abuse.
15) After our breakup , in the spring of 1994 I received
over $1400 worth of property damage on my new Neon car by
Jim. During this time he said he had a cop friend remove important
confession papers from my police files, I did not know till after
the trial. This perhaps aided him in having his charges
removed after a year of good behavior. During that year he
promised the Judge he would not touch me or my property again. He
went around and above the Law, fooled the Judge and Hired Hit Men
to have me badly damaged.
16) During 1994 received many harassing calls, death threats, hang
ups and was followed for months (during the Hit).
17) Jim one day watched for me, stoked and followed as I sped up he
did, I was living in intense fear and pregnant with his child the winter
of 1996. I escaped at a local Kennel , called the police . That day I
started spotting and cramping and thought I would lose the baby.
18) Later I found out by Jim's confession to me that he confessed to
two other people that he paid $2000 for two Hit Men to have my
legs broken and for me to be put in a coma. Jim told me the
reason he did it was so no man would want me. The reason he
called it off, was the local Detective's were hot on his trail and that
the Hit man double crossed him.
19) January 1996 conceived a child by him , on April 1996
I miscarried due to intense stress and fear. Felt the child detach around
mid March 1996 during his visit when he would not leave. My
hormone level went down after that .
20) After that I broke it off for about 2 months. Saw him in July and
August as friends. Consented to Oral sex only when he forced his
will on me and I fought him off, got mad and cried. This was August
17 1996. This day I conceived his child.
21) On several occasions Jim did things that would endanger me and
my baby , since then I have stayed away. I spoke to several
professionals who work with ADD people and reassured me that this
was more serious that he was a Con man and criminal, that he had
no conscious and out smarts everyone. She said I should become totally
detached and do not rely on him for anything. Even though this is his
child and I make in one year what Jim can make in one week, I
decided to suffer financially and keep my sanity. I am well below
property level and do not qualify for state or town help because I
have a newer car. If I sold it I would have to live off of it before I can
reapply for assistance. I choose to keep my car.
THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN FIRST FOR ME TO
HEAL MY WOUNDS, THEN TO HELP OTHER
WOMEN IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS, ALSO TO
DONATE PART OF THE PROFITS OF THIS
BOOK TO ABUSE CAUSES AND FINALLY TO
GIVE THIS WONDERFUL INNOCENT CHILD I WILL
HAVE IN 1997 A GOOD START IN LIFE, A HOME,
FOOD AND AN EDUCATION. I TRULY BELIEVE
THAT GOOD BEGETS GOOD AND ONE CAN
TURN A NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE INTO
SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR ALL INNOCENT
DIARY OF THE VICTIM
Confusion of Feelings
MARCH 5 1994
Being alone I can recollect my thoughts, make sense of things and
gain back my sanity. Feeling whole and at peace plus productive
comes easier when I am alone. I feel resentful, angry, crowded, burden,
my space taken away. I feel filled with someone else's thoughts, an
unhealthy mind, deficient in normal function. I do not want to be
exposed to that. Patience is something I do not have. Jim takes 50-
70% more time to do the same task or to think and make decisions.
I try to block out what he says, sometimes it makes no sense. I fear
he will change on his many promises. When he starts taking control I
would leave or resist. I have no confidence in his decisions and to
carry them through.
FEELING GOOD THEN BAD.
MARCH 10 1994
My mind feels scattered. I feel insecure. I feel panic feelings of
helplessness, losing something, losing control, losing contentment and
peacefulness. Jim and I are doing better today. We are agreeing and understanding
each other better. We are being more fair to ourselves and each other.
We will go to our first CODA meeting tomorrow night. At the Bible
meeting in the morning he said for the first time he felt spiritually
connected. He took the lead and looked up the scriptures, that
makes me feel good.
I am afraid of the following with Jim;
1. Losing everything I work for and that it all will be taken from me.
2. No one wants me, I am worthless.
3. If I marry Jim things will change. He will get lazy. I will end up
supporting him, his kid and myself.
4. Jim will become like his verbally abusive father.
5. Afraid we will be dependent on his relatives if Jim cannot provide
I feel overwhelmed by quilt I feel I owe everyone a favor or
explanation and I am not doing it. I feel also that Jim is keeping a
dark secret that he will surprise me later. Sometimes in one day I will
go from feeling good about myself to being restless and dissatisfied,
unlovable, and not worthy.
August 29 1994
When I feel empty, restless and lonely. I have disconnected with my
inner child. I do not feel connected. For the past 2 years I connected
with Jim's inner child , I lost myself. I lost the art of connecting with
me. This person I loved (Jim) and trusted so much as myself, has a
mental disorder and a criminal mind. The only three emotions he
knows is FEAR, ANGER and SHAME. I crave love and goodness, my
writing and poetry brings this out, I had it as a child and miss it. Jim
craves my love and goodness, he never had in his upbringing. He
admitted he dated me only to marry me and to keep custody of his
son. This I found out one and a half years later. During this time I
tried to break free, disconnecting myself from his wounded inner child.
I never gave up that he would improve. He tired again and again to
be more normal to no avail. I notice in being with him more then
500 + days a pattern of control through manipulation, neediness,
spending money and guilt etc. He would make friends in a needy
way, then use them, then discard them, act like a victim and make
himself an enemy by slander or committing a crime. He would drag
the reputation of others down to his level, and try to make himself
look good. He does not respect others boundaries and tries to make his
mistakes right with money or manipulation. I am his main target lately.
He connects mostly with me and holds me responsible for everything
in his life. I believe his problems partially stem from his upbringing,
like his qualities of jealousy, envy, strife, slander, using money to get
even, blaming, guilt, shame, holding on to bad feelings and grudges. I
believe part of his problem is from Copper poisoning, destroying and
malfunctioning his (CNS) central nervous system and brain activity. I
told him to test his water supply that it is connected to his Attention
Deficient Disorder. I have seen in the past 2 years Jim act out all his bad
qualities with me and try to destroy my life. Because of him I lost my
life long friends, my religion, my core as to who I am, my inner child
was hurt for 2 years. Therapy has cost me thousands of dollars to
pick up the pieces. I am learning to reconnect with myself. I need to
make a new life for myself. He manages to invade every core of my
being, my heart, using my head, my religion, my friends, my doctor,
my therapist. I believe Jim attracts crises and creates trouble and
uses control through manipulation and money to make everything right
for him. Therapy is not enough for him, he is no longer on his
medication. He took himself off his medication without his Doctor's
permission. His conscious does not work till the crime or harm has
been done. He has turned every person he knows against me to make
his terrible self look better. The only difference with me is that I feel
that God supports me. Between almost losing my life in a bike
accident, to having 2 hit men hired by Jim to have me badly
hurt and raid my apartment. My life is being tested and I
am being spared because God loves me.
WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES.
We the abused , need to take care of our own cares and concerns.
We must create and fulfill our own dreams and desires.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END.
SEPT 25 96
AFTER I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT BY HIM, I WENT TO
WITH THE HONEST NEWS. THE DAY WE BROKE UP ON
17 96 WE CONCEIVED A CHILD.....
From my journal......
As I wake in the middle of the night filled with concerns and thoughts
I am prevented from falling back to sleep. If I do not wake then
nightmares take over and wake me. A lot of the writings in this book
happen in the wee hours of the morning. My thoughts go back over today
a lot of the things said and did by Jim, many of them do not make sense
and scare me. I feel I am living inside the mind of the criminal,
knowing Jim so well as I do. His behavior is so inconsistent
with his words it could drive the most sane person not able to cope.
He insisted he wanted to buy me maternity clothes from a maternity
shop this evening. That was after the fact that he risk our lives by
trying to jump out of my car at 35-40 mph. He had his door wide
open and one foot out the door when I suddenly stopped my car in
the middle of the road almost causing an accident. I am 6 weeks
pregnant with his child. Whenever he felt guilty flowers, letters or
gifts etc. were offered. He promised he wanted to provide for me and
the baby, emotionally and money wise. I made it clear that I didn't
want to get married to him or live with him. We were driving and no
conversation was accuring. He admitted later that evening that
communication is a problem and he admits he slanders me all
the time. We kept going back to each other after each breakup. I did
it because after being away from him for awhile I got my belief
system back on track again and believed everything he said. He never
meant or felt what he said. He said what I wanted to hear. I am
healthy enough to heal all the past pain. It only takes a short time to
see through his manipulative powers. He says the things he says to
influence, persuade or convince me that reality is different and my
thinking is wrong. He figures by saying " I love you", "I want to marry
you", and "I want us to be a family" that he has good motives but
over driven by his evil actions to make his wishes come true.
Forcing someone to have sex during her fertile period so she becomes
pregnant and dependent on him. I have tried reasoning with him and
when I can not get through I realize how dangerous he really is. I
have learned actions speak louder then words. Every time I rejected
him in the past he got very insecure, he needed, I understand now to
control with money. He wanted me dependent on his money while at
the same time he complained to friends and family or anyone who
would listen that I was after his money. I knew he was in heavy debt
, always owing others many thousands of dollars, including his sister
and mother, suppliers, friends, attorneys etc. He had, at this time,
committed some small and large crimes and by painting me bad he
looked better to others. Instead of stopping his badness, it gave him
power. But he noticed he was losing his friends and families. The way
Jim thinks could fill volumes of books and I could be the author.
When ever I am with him he is always planning bad thoughts quietly
with no communication he is trapped inside his narrow perception of
reality. When he told me the other day that his son ( who he has full
custody of ), pulled a knife on himself at his mother's house lately. It
hurts me deeply to hear him yearn for healthy love and attention and
not get it. He told me he was scared of his dad. That his father
threw things at him in a fit of rage. I remember him leaving the son
alone a number of times when he was 8 years old for many hours
without telling him where he was.
I realize if Jim wants to be totally honest with any future relationship
he will have to confess to his crimes against another woman in his
past. She would leave knowing he is capable of doing that. Since he
can even fool all his therapists . I no longer hold out any hope for
him to change enough not to be a threat or abusive to a loved one.
I found out today he was paying his workers under the table.
He said he was doing that to avoid legal requirements.
Always keeping secrets and holding in feelings is the way Jim lives
teaching his son by example too. His son has had a hard time expressing
his feeling now, that is why he acts out or reacts with anger or fear. In
first grade he pulled a scissor on a fellow class mate. He was found
to have ADD and needed medication. What kind of family life
teaches they son those values and ways of coping. Do I want my
child to be influenced and raised by this man, NO! No matter what
they say is right he has to have supervised visits with restrictions &
limitations. I live in fear every day, that he will plan to hurt me. Why
does Jim keep wanting me to take him back? Perhaps it is because I never
did him any harm. He knows I am a good person. He benefited from
my goodness and left me drained and dry. He would try to copy
me to make himself look good. He spends more then half his time &
energy to defend himself, saying others made him do it. We cannot
help ourselves if we are in complete denial. He needs people to
believe in his goodness. Goodness is honest, simple and
straightforward. Evil is confusing, complicated and underhanded. I can
separate the two. I hate evil and love goodness. Jim combines and
uses the two to accomplish what he wants. That is why he can say I
love you thousands of times and hurt me emotionally or be in the
middle of planning some crime.
I woke again in the wee hours of the morning reflecting on my day
spent with his son. We took a ride in his 5 ton truck to go for
a bike ride at Forest Park in East Longmeadow, Mass. As we drove in
the park we went over maybe 14 - 18 different speed bumps 4-5 feet
wide and going the entire width of the road , in bright yellow and hard to
miss. He slowed down for all but one which he increased his speed
then I looked up as we flew over one the seat belt was tight on me
, but I jump out of my seat banged back down like a man in a rodeo
riding a steer. I thought I would miscarriage right there. I screamed loud
out of pain. I lost clear liquid an hour later at a CAFE, but nothing else
happened, what a scare. The incident seemed on purpose. His son
remarked he could see the speed bump, being about 1 and a half inches
shorter sitting & down between us in the front seat. He expressed
fear about providing money and emotionally for this child. He said he
was not willing to pay for the birth up front. I said I did not want his
unwillingness to pay to result in bad credit to me. Jim is known to
be underhanded to protect himself. At the doctors office the other day he
filled out his household income as $200 a week despite grossing over
70k a year. Till May of 1995 he sponged off his mother's home and car.
Having free unlimited use of her car for more then 40k miles in over 6
months. When she is around, unlimited baby-sitting free of charge. I
encouraged him at 33 to take more self-responsibility, move out &
rent a house, get transportation and see more of his son . He's very
proud, he claims everything as a business expense from food,
recreation, medical etc. He has a problem with being totally honest.
Last year at the police station Jim had a friend remove a written
statement of a confessed crime against me.
He admitted that to me later. I cannot marry Jim because he is
unstable, unpredictable, dishonest and abusive. Always combining good
with evil and justifying his actions or blaming others. I know he owes
a lot of people a lot of money. His sister who raised him he owed
over $4000 and gave her attorney a $3000+ debt to collect on to
pay it off. His mother he owes over $6000 and he was suppose to
finish a stone patio in return for his debt, it is only 10-15% done for
many years and never completed to this day. He owes his suppliers,
attorney, and friends lots of money.
In one year he wrote over $6000 in bad checks, overdrawing his
account and costing himself that extra money. He would blame
his disorganization on his ADD, he discontinued medication on his
own accord years ago. He created situations to use as excuses for
irresponsibility. He always has covered his tracks, try to make good on
all his harmful actions and mistakes. He is a poor excuse for a father
and potential husband. To marry him, I would with the knowledge be
asking for trouble and an unsafe, unstable environment. He thinks
paying child support and the medical expenses is tax deducted.
Anything to keep his net worth well below what it should.
Let me take you back to the religion I loved and was close to for over
15 years. We call each other brother and sister plus all my friends
were of this religion. I left the religion because I believed that
God had left me. I married one of they servants working with the Elders.
He was born into the faith and after a mere 3-4 months we were
married. Sex before marriage is a sin so we waited till our
honeymoon. Well to make a very long story short I suffered abuse
I was only hit once but death threats were constant. I slept alone with my door
bolted shut with a 2 by 4 piece of wood. Worst then that the elders
said I must be doing something to provoke it or that it is not true.
I was divorced with $500 , a miscarriage and in debt with credit
cards and charges buying him things. I currently live next door to his
wife, him and his two kids and neighbors remark how she pleads for
life and for him not to beat her. All of this 12 years ago made me
fall away from the religion, family, friends and love I only knew. Well
after 10 years out I wanted to study again and get close to God and
his people. Jim seemed dismayed by the bad world conditions
and he confessed to having a good heart and no one was understanding
him or accepting him. After Jim studied for 6-8 months we stayed
away from sex so we could be in good standing and marry into this
religion. It took a little less then one year for me to go to the
meetings, not be talked to or associated with and prove that I
wanted to come back and not sin. I was finally reinstated and in good
standing. Now let me take you through my diary of terrible events of
spiritual abuse, forced sex and slander.
FACTS THAT HAPPENED
We went to Maine on vacation for 2 days and one night. We got a two
bedroom duplex with kitchen. We went to bed around 9pm separately.
After midnight when Jim medication wore off I was awaken out of a
deep sleep seeing Jim crawl over me on all fours.
When I was about to say something he put his hand over my mouth
and he used his right hand over my mouth and used his other free
hand to get under the covers and pinned me down with his knees.
Then less then 5 minutes seemed like hours I was raped. I was shocked and
scared. He said nothing and returned to his room I silently cried
myself to sleep. Half the night I did not sleep. The next morning I
questioned him over breakfast. He said he felt insecure. That once I
am reinstated I will give him up. That there are plenty of brothers in
the truth. Later at home in Connecticut he mentioned he knew I was futile
and he wanted to hang on to me, make me pregnant and to stay
in his life somehow. He said he did not do this to hurt me. He said
if I either break up with him or tell the truth about forced sex he
would make me look bad in the eyes of the truth.
In conclusion -
.....Since the third week in march 1994 Jim and I hugged numerous
times and kissed 5-6 times. I never willingly engaged in sex. I had to
say no to him many times. I had to be strong for both of us! There is
a reason why I broke up with him more the 10 times. He had a hold
on me. He used control and manipulation as tool. His son had to
witness emotional and verbal abuse for 40 minutes in his mothers
car as Jim is driving me home. I studied with his son that evening.
He said Satan and sugar is affecting his father and I did nothing
bad. That is when I gave him the letter I have enclosed.
May 27 1994 -
.....I calmly called Jim. I did not feel connected with him. He had a
bad day. He reared ended someone in his mothers car. Something I
always feared driving with him. I realize what a loser he is ..... Asked
Jim if we could be life long friends if we do not get married. He did
not want to discuss it. He wants a wife and mother for HIS SON. and I fit
June 1 1994 -
.....Jim came over spaced out again. He had a careless attitude all
day. His attitude and neediness I do not want. His inability to make
decisions on his own I can not stand.. After Thi Chi class Jim was
very sick, I found out he took himself off his medication. Him going
without it, can be very dangerous.
June 22 1994 -
....The past two days I have detached from Jim. He no longer will hold
money and giving over me as control or to manipulate me. I
detached and I have not eaten for 12 hours. I had no appetite or will to go
ON I was depressed and weak with no will to feed myself. Jim was fixing
the hole in my wall, he punched in my apartment. I cried for what seemed
for hours. I knew I had to give up school. I prayed a lot. I couldn't
turn to any one else. I knew his complaining was a sign he wanted
out. I now have the courage. I called him at 3am we both cried. He
said how easy it would be to commit suicide. I thought I should call
911, he said no. The next day he wanted to be friends. He comes
over my house and walks right in without knocking. Today I give up
my formal education I could have gone to for 4 years, free. Now the
schooling is out of the way to be used as a controlling device. Now
he wants to send me to Germany to see my relatives. Jim wants to
go with me. He said if I do not go I can put the money away for our
marriage. He uses promises, giving, neediness and money as control.
I am growing out of an unhealthy love that my mother and Jim
gave me. Both conditional and controlling . I have decided to be just
friends so he will detach gradually and serve God and think of his son
and other things instead of being obsessed with me. I do not wish to
see his neediness , weaknesses, crying and sick mind at work. I
want someone strong who does things out of right motives. God is my
best friend. Now Jim wants to attach to God. Why? Because that is
closest to me.
July 15 1994 -
Worse weekend ever. I felt unsafe, worried, hurt and abused. Jim was
unpredictable, cruel, accusing and hateful . He made a dozen
mistakes. Today is our religious assembly. I said nothing or he would
get very mad. First he gets off the wrong exit, then he goes to the
wrong breakfast place, stands my mother up. Got to the assembly late
and Jim did not care. His attitude reminds me of Satan the devil. He
wanted to look for seats independent of the Elders help. His attitude
was judgmental and violent. He called me self righteous. He wanted
to hit the brother next to him for not disciplining his child. I cried and
shook off his abuse all day. The assembly awoken all the old feelings
of safety and security and love for God. I prayed a dozen times that
day to cope. It’s hard to love someone that pleases Satan uses
God's name and judges the truth....I love goodness and I am not
self-righteous. I have a bright future with God.
....His two personalities came out again. He got mad that I did not
allow him to use my #800 for his business. He wants me to be 51%
owner of his business, to save on taxes. I did not want to get any
deeper involved in his life. I do not want to depend on someone who
walks out, cannot communicate, thinks only of his feelings and one
cannot reason with. I want my freedom. He has a hold on me. He is
selfish. He is unpredictable. I want out. ....He misdirects his anger. He
does not communicate well. He is angry with everyone. He dictates, he
controls. I am hanging on. My self-esteem does not look good. Why
wait for the truth to change him. Why wait for him to find fault again
and again. Stand tall, Evelyn I have been a mother and friend to both
him and his son. I feel more fearful. I am protecting myself all week. I
need my personal space and boundaries. He and his family
go out to a movie. I got scared . Jim expressed his hateful anger
with his son only because he did not want to drive home with us. His
son cries easy because of the abuse. I feel for him. I was mending
the situation, what a job . I hate the job! I want someone capable I
can look up to. I do not know what I am waiting for. I need a
vacation from this relationship.
Sept and on .....
After the Thursday religious meeting he had to follow me to my car.
He was crying. I was resentful because he would not let me go.
Sometimes in the middle of the night he could kill both of us. For my
own safety I cannot tell anyone what happen in Maine that weekend.
He said if he cannot have me no one else will, and since he has had
me all the way no one else will, and now it was time for him to play
Sept 17 1994
....Jim Is a threat to me emotionally, spiritually, mentally and maybe
worse. He has found a unnatural attachment to me. I must handle
this situation with care. He clings to every area of my life and
fooled everyone I love around me. The same gym, therapist, support
group, religion, he has formed trusting relationships with people I love
for 24 years. I do not trust him. He is dishonest, manipulating. He is
nice until he gets what he wants. He stole my freedom, friends, love,
emotions and nearly my sanity. His son an innocent child has great
promise in the truth. I will be there for him. I gave Jim over 10 chances.
I went back to him as a friend. I was fooled by his tears. He
is changeable and he is crafty. He is like an angel of light. He is weak in
the brain and with emotions. Jim knows the only way to get to me is
through the religious Elders. He knows I have not paid any attention to his
dozen attempts to talk to me since I gave him the letter December 1
1994 and gave him back the ring and payment for a months rent. He
says yes and does another. If it took me over 200 days in 1994 in a
intimate relationship to finally realize this then I can not expect
anyone else to see this on the surface with Jim. I broke it off cold,
with no room for friendship this time so he can not worm his way
back into my life again. 15 times in one and half week he called,
wrote, faxed and mailed letters. Came to the back door twice with
notes and letters. So I called him to leave me alone. I said
go away, leave me alone, begged, pleaded and got mad. He used his
son to call me two times a day for a while so I called him back
that is when Jim told me about two women in the truth that stopped
by his house when he was crying he opened up and slandered me
upon my friends. That is the promise he made in Maine, if I broke up
with him or told the truth he would turn the truth against me. I no
longer will be scared what Jim can do to me. I feel God's blessings
and spirit in my life. I did believe in Jim's promises and love. I am
currently emotionally drained, very hurt, fearful and depressed. I trust
Jim recently said, "Now it is my turn to play games, I have had you
all the way, no one else will, and if I can not have you no one else
will. I am going to a therapist and a support group for the abused. I
know the world in general does not protect women or people in
general. They is no justice, I wish not to report this to police. I feel in
time the truth will take hold of his heart and his head. May God
bless my efforts, it has been a long road. It is my turn to bless God with
each effort from me. I feel his spirit and blessings. I have written this
truth to you Elders, so you can be reassured it will not change or get into
the wrong hands. I want this matter handled aright.
MY BREAK UP LETTER TO JIM
Please note the returned engagement ring and your check. I am not
for sale or up to be bribed. When a person confuses love with
emotional abuse hundreds of times causing emotional, physical and
spiritual sickness in another. I need to stay away from your sickness to
get well. Do not return the ring to me again. I will let my no mean
no! I will be going to a clinic for the abused for support and help. My
scars are forever inside my soul from you. You can not see the
damage and it scares me to think others only see the other side of you.
In time being away from you I will have peace, love and happiness in
my hurt soul.
Yes, I will study with your son for as long as he wants to. Why should
he suffer because of you. He says he wants to live with me if we
separate. It is best that we just study once or twice a week on a
regular schedule. Let him call me concerning our study. Do not call me
personally. I cannot be friends or consider you a spiritual brother. The
damage is long standing to my soul. You can drop your son off at
the book study.......
In the spring of 1994 after we broke up Jim caused $1453.47 worth of
damage to my new car.. Here is a letter I sent to the police station;
To whom it may concern,
Please attempt to contact Jim , because he hung up on me, Eve
Anderson. If nothing can be reached by Wednesday a.m. then I will
have no other choice but to pursue criminal charges against him for
case#-------. Cash settlement amounts to; $1453.47 for repair and 3
Sincere regards , EVE
During 1995 in the spring and fall two hits were called on me. I had
to teach Continued Education during fall semester and notified the
campus police as I live most of 1995 in intense fear of dying or
getting hurt. I was afraid me or my car would be damaged again.
LIVING IN INTENSE FEAR
IN A COURT OF LAW....
Lets just imagine that all that happen to me went to court one day.
Despite not knowing how to be a professional lawyer. I picture the ideal situation, me
representing myself in a court of law instead of
hiring a lawyer. I see myself establishing evidence the hard way by
motives of the abuser. I have no marks, no beatings, I have been
strong and wise enough not to have to go into a deep depression or
turn to alcohol to numb the emotional pain. Who would know exactly
what I have been though , I have no external evidence. I would
have many questions to draw out the accused and establish truth. I
can see him hiring the best attorney at hundreds of dollars per hour.
If you work only 4-6 hours a day and average almost a thousand
dollars a day, then money can hire the best attorney to say just the
right things in court. Only I know how it is to live inside the mind of the
abuser for years. For all practical purposes we will name the abuser
JIM and myself Miss victim, his attorney as Mr. Smith and the
Judge as your Honor or Judge . The purpose of going this day to
court is to establish that Mr. Abuser, is dangerous to me and my
child. Let us establish the setting....
Mr. Abuser is in his early 30's, he is divorced and has full custody of
one son six years of age. He has been dating me off and on for three
years and he is self-employed most of his life. Let us establish a
pattern in his life based on his past relationships both personal and
professional. During the birth of his son he nursed, diapered, feed,
nurtured his son and kept his wife away. She turned to drugs that's
why he said to me he got custody. When I first met him, his son was
6 years old. Jim and his son were living with Jim's mother rent free.
Borrowing money and never paying it back, he promised to finish a
stone patio in the back yard. It still is a dug out hole for over three
years. His mother still baby sits free of charge for a son that owes her
6000 thousands dollars. When I met him he had at my surprise
6-7 guns including a human assault weapon. I asked why he said he
would protect his son from anyone wanting to take him away. I said
to him I will not date anyone with guns so he got rid of them. He
said a friend bought them , and he could have them back any time
he needed them. A year and a half later he admitted to me he was
using me by marrying me so he had a excellent chance of keeping his
son. He admitted he knew a year ago that court action by his ex-
wife for custody would accrue. I felt hurt and used. In three years, we
broke up over a dozen times for as long as 1-9 months at a stretch.
In three years I heard I love you a thousand times, and I want you
back, I want to marry you hundreds of times. When a person says I
am sorry is it because he has regret over his continuous bad he has
done against me or to win me back. He knew I had a strong belief
system and faith in him and he needed that from me. How can anyone
have regret and repeat making the same mistake, hurtful action or
continue to commit crimes. He tested my faith and loyalty of all
people in his life. That takes me back to the beginning of this
. Every relationship that Jim has established has fallen apart under his
control. Including many friends, family members, therapists, clients,
and employees have come and went. He used them for money, to
establish his so called innocence and lick his wounds. He was never
given more then two chances before they gave up on him, except me.
Either he left them or they left him. His therapist could not see how
he fooled her till other examining and more qualified therapist bought
it to her attention during Jim's session.
One of his friends is a cop he is using his professional license for his
business and one time asked him to remove a sheet of a crime he
committed from my files at the police station. One of his old
school buddies and his cousin was used as hit men against me.
Some of his relatives have people that were married to men recently
out of prison. Jim had a knack of hiding things, cover up, defending,
making good after each bad action. I believe a sense of what is good
and bad begins in childhood, something went wrong in his
upbringing. First his older sister was the parent, a child cannot raise a
child, they are not emotionally ready or capable to instill goodness. I
believe that is how it all got started. Jim would protect himself by doing
bad then would blame others that they made him do it or he couldn't help
himself. Then he would talk bad about others to get people on his
side and make himself look good. He admitted to me he has problems
after over 3 years of therapy. Because I was fooled by him, I would be
confused. Thank God I can see things clearly now! Yes in the past he
kept fooling me. Because I was gradually fooled my belief system was
slowly destroyed. I got confused because his belief systems were not
consistent. His purpose was to use or win people over to him, he
could not just be himself and let that be enough. He was always
thinking, scheming, planning, covering his actions he had to prove
himself. That takes so much energy. I realize now he was not genuine
or sincere in his action. Everything he says and does has a purpose to
clear something up already done. He had an excuse for every crime
he did. He blamed others for his actions. He said I am sorry and
thought that was enough after doing it a hundred times. Blaming
releases some of the guilt that would eat him up inside. I know he is
smart, not in a pure way. I know he can get away with things, he has
an influence over everyone. I am the only one I know that can see
right through him now. I spent much time, energy and emotions into
this relationship. Every I am sorry , I believed, every I want you back I
have changed, I believed. I used up all my strong belief systems. Then
toward the end he would always tell me I did not know what I was
talking about, or that my thinking is incorrect, or that I live inside my
head and stick to my thoughts. Maybe I am just protecting what
thoughts, beliefs and feelings I have left.
I have been able to figure out why Jim so far has been able to get
away with abuse and crime. He uses the same approach that has
fooled me over and over again. He maneuvers people and events ( a
display of his control ) in his favor, he defends and covers his steps, he
uses a lot of his energy covering his bad motives and actions with
nice words and with the influence of money, that spells manipulation.
It took years of knowing him and trusting him to see through that.
He has shown financial abuse by using money to get what he wants,
whether its people, love or processions. He cannot just be good, kind,
he cannot just be himself, he feels unworthy so why not do evil and
be the hero. He lives a self-fulfilling prophecy. How do you prove evil
in a court of law where criminals and they rights are more protected
then the victim. Where a slap on the wrist results in repeated
offenders. Where people who commit crimes find excuses to do so.
The victim made me that! We lost justice somewhere along the way.
We will never change the system over night. Should that stop us after
becoming the victim. It takes more strength then is left over from the
abuse to stand up for yourself. Sometimes by yourself because friends
have left you because you stayed with this man. Am I the only one
that can understand why I did. Is it a sin or crime on my part to
have a belief system so strong that every time I heard good things, I
believed in them. Every "I am sorry", sounded sincere. I feel I need to
constantly watch my back, defend myself and wonder if justice to any
degree even exists. I feel alone, abandon, unappreciated. I deserve a
healthy love from a emotionally healthy person. Emotional abuse will
not exist in my life. One definition of emotional abuse is with holding
love and security. If someone says I will do this and that, and does
not that is control and manipulation. It is an insecure man who
seeks security within his own control of others.
Resource and workbook
How can you tell if a man may be dangerous. They are no clear cut
signs . But general guidelines in recognizing hidden problem.
SIGNS OF DANGER
1) He mostly cannot see, feel or have fellow feeling for you.
Your feelings do not come first or even exist. Results; he does not take
responsibility for his actions. He always feels like the victim and your
the enemy. He reacts on his negative closed feelings without
considering what his actions will do to others or even himself. Makes
all his judgment cloudy and dangerous.
2) Does he need to be in control?
Because he is insecure and feel she lacks power. He is fixed on his
addiction to you and won't let anybody take you away. Results;
in him not respecting your right to be fully human and your
boundaries. Demanding, mean and unreasonable.
By giving in to his control we feed it , and by fighting
it we may endanger our lives and those that depend on us, our
Examples of control ;
1) I want you back home by ----!
2) Where have you been, and where is my supper?
3) I want you to stay home . I am taking the car and keys!
He also controls your actions, reactions and events by him playing
victim, working on your sympathy and guilt. Shaming you, or he may
feel sorry for himself. Remember life revolves around his feelings. He
can only have a narrow warped perception.
3) Uses money to control
Financial abuse and money is used to get you, keep you,
motivate you and punish you. Results ; this is one
main reason women do not leave they bad situations. Why do men
use money? This again is one thing that gives a powerless man power
and control. A powerless man feels out of control. Since women have
become more powerful , strong and free in society, some men have
not adjusted in a good way.
4) In the beginning he spoils you with gifts and attention.
Proving to you and himself his desirability. After marriage or years he will then
start to neglect you emotionally and without the proper love, affection
& communication. Some even cheat while demanding that the woman
stays home, providing for his needs, catering to his ego and self
esteem. Justifying, defending and creating abusive situations whether
the woman speaks up or not. He is in denial about his guilt and acts
out like a child.
5) Speaks bad about you to others, either behind your back or in
front of you.
Humiliation and proving to himself he is better then you.
That you are unworthy soul. Anyone settling for him, how could he
respect that person. He sees you as his doormat. Slander is when
bad talk has spoiled your reputation, career etc. It is considered a
6) Manipulation -
If he is smart in a bad way, with a bad heart, wrong motives,
then he will plan, scheme, plot a way to get what he
wants. The people in his life are actors and he the abuser is the
director and producer. He may create a bad situation so he can
become the hero or caretaker coming to the rescue even if it meant
endangering someone's life in the process. This is sick, but he does
not see it that way. It feeds his weak view of himself. It gives him
power. Bad hearts are the hardest to change through therapy. We all
desire a man with a good head and heart. The heart is the seat of
motivation and the brain the seat of reasoning. No criminal can
have the two together. That is why they are cunning, saying the right
things and never proving good with actions.
7) Most of these men have chemical imbalances of the brain.
They may have addictions to foods like chocolate, sugar, alcohol and drugs
etc. Most have more then one addiction. We already know the abuser
is addicted to you. Does he have self-control? Can he give up any
addictions for a long time or forever? Does he get worst or better
while under the influence of his addiction?
DOES ADHD/ADD LEAD TO CRIME?