1. What are Crucial Conversations
2. What are common “de-railers”
3. Framework for having an effective Crucial
3. Crucial “Factors”
It’s important to you!
Strong emotions – yours (and theirs!)
Often spontaneous discussions
Fight, flight, freeze
Unconscious, automatic response
4. Strategies - Silence
1. Avoid people (in-person, phone calls, emails) and
situations associated with a challenging or sensitive
2. Hold back my opinions
3. Change the subject rather than talk about difficult
4. Offer insincere compliments before providing
constructive feedback to someone
5. Strategies - Violence
1. Control the conversation by cutting people off or
changing the subject to what I want to talk about
2. Let people know when you think they make a dumb
3. In the midst of the debate, move from arguing the
point to making comments that might hurt or
insult the other person
4. Get caught up in winning the “battle” versus
looking for common ground
6. Silence & Violence Destroys
Higher risk of failure
(project , health,
Higher risk of failure by
silencing other voices
Everyone has a voice and all voices are needed
7. True Confidence
Speak your voice
Make it safe for everyone
Seek diverse opinions
Listen with curiosity and openness
Focus on the “we” goals versus “me” goals
Be able to stand strong or change your mind based
on all the known relevant information
8. Search for the “AND”
Avoid the “either/or” goal trap
“I can EITHER give honest feedback OR lose a friend”
“I can EITHER shut this person down OR look like I don’t have
Search for the “AND”
I can give honest feedback AND maintain a good relationship?
How can I be open to different viewpoints AND maintain the
respect of my followers?
9. Search for the “AND” Exercise
Think of an upcoming crucial conversation this week
What is your “AND” goal for this conversation?
What do you really want?
What you really DON’T want
Reverse what you DON’T want in order to come up with
Talk to your neighbor (pair up)
10. Beginning the Conversation
Jane: Hey Sally, can I ask you a tough question?
Sally: Of course.
J: You’ve been asking us to cut departmental costs for
the last 3 months. I’m finding it hard to do that. Can
I tell you one reason that’s making it hard for us?
J: Well, while we’re not able to buy any new PCs,
you’re having a new office built. Rumor has it that
the artwork alone costs $100k. Is that right?
11. Sally’s Response
How might Sally be feeling right now?
Ineffective responses: Violence
Effective response: Ask Yourself:
What do I really want?
What do I want for others?
What do I want for the relationship?
What is Sally’s goal?
To lower costs and get team buy-in and maintain their respect
for her leadership (will she be open and honest as she has
stated she would)
Adopt an Attitude of Gratitude
12. Use Emotions as Data NOT Fuel
When you notice your strong emotions:
Become the “Impartial Spectator”
Ask yourself the 3 questions
Remember time gap between thoughts/action
Use the mute button
Drink a glass of water
Deep calming breaths
It’s okay to leave the conversation and come back
Reframe how you see the other person
13. Respect Roadmap
Respect – Beginning, Middle & End!
Just the facts
Invite dialogue (avoid absolutes to reflect probability
that you might be partially wrong)
Stay focused on goals (use emotions as data not fuel)
Agree on next steps
Everyone’s voice is valuable
Strive for True Confidence
Search for the “AND”
Use Emotions as Data not Fuel
Follow the Respect Roadmap