Effect monads like IO are the way functional programmers interact with the real world. Yet, monadic effects in programming languages like Scala often perform poorly compared to their Haskell counterparts—as much as 10x slower in some benchmarks. In this presentation, John A. De Goes, author of the Scalaz 8 effect system, dredges up an old paper to cast new light on the question of how to model effects, and comes to the surprising conclusion that in Scala, monads may not be the fastest way to model purely functional effects. Join John as he shows a new model of effects that offers performance improvements without sacrificing the wonderful purity that functional programmers rely on to reason about their software.