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Tommy Cooper
- 1. He was a funny man… … that Tommy Cooper
- 2. “ So I rang up the local swimming baths and said ‘is that the local swimming baths?” He said “it depends where you’re calling from!”
- 3. So I rang up my building firm and said I want a skip outside my house He said “I’m not stopping you”
- 4. I was getting into my car and this man said “can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure.You look great.The world’s your oyster. Go for it”
- 5. A man walked into the doctors and the doctor said “ I haven’t seen you in a while” The man said “ I know, I’ve been ill”
- 6. A man goes into the doctors and says “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor says “well don’t go there then”
- 7. I’m not saying my wife’s ugly but… When she sucks a lemon, the lemon pulls a face!
- 8. When we found a violin and painting in our loft, the local auctioneer said “what you’ve got there is a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. However… ” Rembrandt made rubbish violins, and Stradivarius couldn’t paint for toffees”
- 9. Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other… “ does this taste funny to you?”
- 10. Man : Doctor, I can’t stop singing the green grass of home. Doctor: Mmm, sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to me Man: Is it common? Doctor: “Well, it’s not unusual”
- 11. Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s Well, you can’t say fairer than that then!
- 12. Someone complimented my on my driving today. They put a note on the screen which read ‘Parking fine’. So that was nice.
- 13. The phone was ringing and when I picked it up I said “who’s speaking please?” The voice said “you are!”
- 14. So I went to the dentist and he said “say ‘aah” I said “why?” He said “My dog’s just died”
- 15. I took my dog to the vets. After looking at him, he said “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down” I said “is he that bad?” The vet said “No, he’s just very heavy”
- 16. I went to Margate for Rheumatism … and I got it.
- 17. A girl stands looking at a can of orange juice intently for over an hour… Just because it said concentrate on the label
- 18. British rail have asked my mother in law to stop keep putting her head out of train windows People keep thinking it’s a cattle truck
- 19. I said to my doctor “Doctor, it hurts if I press just there” He said “well, don’t do it then”.
- 20. I’m not saying my wife’s got hairy legs but… When she turns over in bed she gives me forty lashes!
- 21. My wife shouts up the stairs “how would you like to talk to your mother in law?” I said “through a medium”
- 22. Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings , poking me in the ribs cackling “you’re next” They stopped however after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
- 23. A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
- 24. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
- 25. I went to the doctor because I had a strawberry growing out of my head. The doctor said “I’ll give you some cream to put on it”.
- 26. My boss kept ringing me on my mobile in the car to tell me I had been promoted. He did it five timed in a day and then I crashed. The police said “What happened?” I said “I careered off the road”