Whether you’re working on designing better experiences or you’re an organizational change agent trying to transform your organization, listening is one of the most important skills in your toolkit. To understand what people truly need you need to be a great listener. To build trust and diffuse negative energy you need to be a great listener. To transcend the assumptions and worldviews that constrain your thinking you need to be a great listener. But listening is really hard. Most of us are poor listeners because we’ve never been taught how to listen. To become a powerful listener, treat listening as an active skill to work at.

1. listen, listen…

2. Merlijn Hoek flickr

3. Vince Alongi flickr

4. you may think you’re
listening

5. but are you
seeing?

6. A master martial artist asked Bruce to teach
him everything Bruce knew about martial
arts

7. Bruce held up two cups, both filled with
liquid
by :: Robee ::, flickr

8. The first cup
represents all of your
knowledge about
martial arts.

9. The second cup
represents all of my
knowledge about
martial arts.

10. If you want to fill your cup with my
knowledge, you must first empty your
cup of your knowledge.
Bruce Lee

11. imagine
you’re sitting on a plane, hoping you don’t get an annoying
seatmate who wants to talk

12. suddenly, a big guy who
looks eager for
conversation sits down
next to you…

13. moriza. flickr

14. how do you
see this
person?

15. large plastic bag
grand canyon mute
Aleutian pretzel man

16. flip
your
focus
by ecstaticist

17. How does this person
see themselves and their
situation?

18. This wasn’t
Large Plastic Bag
Grand Canyon Mute
Aleutian Pretzel Man
this was a real person with a
name and a history and stories
that make him laugh and cry.
He was a who, not a what, just
like me.
Patti Digh Say Hi to Yaron

19. imagine
you’re thinking about (or trying not to think about) the
challenge of poverty in Africa

20. how do you
see these
people?

22. flip
your
focus

23. How do these people
see themselves and
their situation?

24. I have the power to change my world and
make a better life for my family.

25. imagine
you’re an eager employee preparing to pitch a new initiative
to your Chief Financial Officer (CFO) who has a reputation
as the “VP of No”

26. how do you
see this
person?

28. flip
your
focus

29. How does this person
see themselves and
their situation?

30. I’ve got a thankless role with the diciest
risk/reward ratio of any job short of a
Navy Seal.
Todd Baker << technowannabe, flickr

31. How do I see this How does this person
person? see themselves and
their situation?

32. how does flipping your focus
change you and your
approach?

34. filters take us from all sound
to what we pay attention to
distorting
what we hear
and
creating
our reality

35. culture
language
labels
values
inner dialog
status
experiences
preconceptions
preoccupations
assumptions
attitudes
intentions
stress
expectations
beliefs

37. empty your
cup

38. Listening is not an automatic
conscious
pilot. It is a
decision… STOP
EVERYTHING YOU’RE
THINKING and listen.
Suspend your own frame of
reference. Focus externally.
Turn off your ego. Quit
thinking everything revolves
around your opinion. Give the
stage in your head to
someone else!
Sunni Brown

39. Listening is magic: it turns a person
from an object outside, opaque, or
dimly threatening, into an intimate
experience, and therefore into a friend.
In this way, listening softens and
transforms the listener.
Norman Fischer

41. The point is to understand people
deeply – so deeply you could live their
life, walk in their shoes, and make
decisions the way they would.
Indi Young

42. what’s your listening position?

43. Listening positions
Break into pairs
A share why you came “I came to this event because…”
B listen from different positions
 I'm bored
 I want to be friends
 I'm in a hurry
 What can I learn from this?
A share your experiences
B share your experiences
Swap and repeat

44. everyone has a
story

49. I wonder why they’re
doing that? Saying
that?
be deeply curious

50. Gee, that’s a dumb
way of doing it!
listen to what you’re thinking

51. even if they aren’t knowledgeable wonder you’re
I about what what's for
dinner tonight?
seeking insight on, the extent of their knowledge or
misinformation is useful
stay in the moment

52. That makes no
sense… it takes
forever that way.
suspend judgment

53. This is pointless. I’m
going to cut it short.
be patient

54. I already know that,
let’s skip over it...
adopt a beginner’s mind

55. My idea is really
cool. They just don’t
get it.
letting go

56. They’re awfully
defensive. I’m not
going to learn
anything...
be kind

57. seek the unknown unknowns

58. abandon your script

59. to find the story

60. dig
beneath
opinion
conjecture
preference

61. surfacing
the insights
hidden
within their
stories

62. Stories are the large and small instruments of
meaning, of explanation, that we store in our
memories.
Joe Lambert

63. Stories carry emotional information, hopes,
desires, intentions, and pieces of relevant
information.
Seth Kahan

64. 10 tips for mindful
listening

65. 1

66. yes, that’s the sound of silence (your most
powerful listening tool!)

67. use body language to show interest with
2 nonverbal cues

68. smiling
nodding
making eye contact
tilting your head
leaning forward
opening and relaxing your
body posture
relaxing your hands
relaxing and breathing

69. avoid
frowning
not moving your head
looking away
looking down
glaring
slumping
being stiff
fidgeting
sighing
yawning
scragz flickr

70. use verbal cues to encourage and show
3 interest

71. it’s a matter of
uh huh
priority priority?
encourage notice keyword echo

72. Could you say a bit
Interesting I see
more about…
encourage acknowledge draw out

73. avoiding yes | no prompts
They probably don’t
want hear any more
…
Anything else? No.
yes | no prompt

74. yes | no prompts close down conversation, keeping
control with the questioner
Would…?
Do…?
Are…?
If…?
Will…?
control

75. use open prompts instead
Well, the last
What else? time…
they must be
interested in
hearing more
<silence>
open prompt

76. open prompts draw people out
When…?
What…?
Why…?
Describe…
How…?
Tell me about…
hand over control

77. dig deep with WHY
4

78. Because I’m loud. When I wasn’t a supporter I was loud about it…
probably fought it the first 6 months. I think it changed when I got
introduced to favorites. I didn’t have to drill down every single time.
I’m not sure why I [Name] heard me complaining. He was sitting near me. He came
was chosen for over and showed me favorites and changed my life.
this interview.
Why do you
think you were
chosen?
why (follow the verb)?

79. See how many attachments
there are in my Inbox? Lots
from HR. If it was a
It’s not a
How do you corporate priority HR
corporate
know that? wouldn’t be sending
priority.
attachments.
abstraction reveals frame

80. but be careful with why prompts because they kick
the rational brain into gear
hmmm, why do I do it that
way? maybe because…
why did you do it
that way? … I have too much to do,
so I can’t afford the time…
rationalization

81. follow the story!
5
listen for abstractions or generalizations and
prompt for concrete experience

82. When was the Well, yesterday
Normally I last time you <name> called me to
search… did that? ask for…
Can you give
me an
example?
probe for specific
abstraction experience story

83. try to imagine the entire scene
… who was involved?
next?

84. who, what, when, why, how…
… how did it end?
what did you do?

85. extend the story by exploring themes
were there other Tell me about them.
times…? yes
elicit more stories explore theme

86. working down the abstraction
ladder
LH Walker

87. offer an hypothesis and let them fix your
6 understanding

88. Sounds like you’re saying
that you waste a lot of time So you
chasing down answers… That’s partly the mean…?
reason, but also…
let go incorrect
hypothesis “fix” understanding interpretation

89. paraphrase to show understanding, clarify
7 misperceptions, and build relationships

90. Sounds like you’re
1, 2, 3… saying…
listen mentally summarize restate (your words)

91. be brief, don’t parrot back, convey no judgment, use
YOU
What I'm hearing
is that you…
restate (your words)

92. listen for outliers to understand workarounds
8 and probe for opportunities

93. That’s a really odd. Looks like when you
No one else would need to [x], you do [y]
ever do that. Let’s talk about why you
Well, what
do that.
happens is…
assumption set aside assumption ah, opportunity!

94. listen for and reflect back their words
9

95. I keep everything
…it’s client What do you mean,
together in client
server… client server? I’M the
matter folders
client!
your words their words

96. use empathic listening when they share
10 feelings or show emotion

97. content content
feeling feeling

98. anger fear contempt
surprise happiness sadness

99. watch for tells in expressions, body language, or tone

100. frustrated elated angry exhausted awed timid disappointed
honored stressed excited joyous confident nervous depressed fearful
shocked friendship hopeful relaxed torn proud change courageous accepted
delighted success disgusted embarrassed amused happy jealous conviction
pity remorse sad surprised worried unhappy strong stand respect
appreciated distant

101. tune into their feelings to increase their comfort and
encourage them to continue
Every day I have you’re feeling upset
to… 1, 2, 3… because 1, 2, 3…
it pisses me
off!
reflect feelings,
listen for feelings mentally summarize restate content

102. The way it was
implemented led to You’re feeling frustrated because
compartmentalization. If
process had led us, we you work on projects with other departments. Because it
would have been much could belong to any of those departments, you find it difficult
farther along… It’s the to know where to put things. And when you need to email
nature of our work. We someone, you never know if you’re going to have access to
work with x, y, and z. that department’s folder. So you feel that you’re
Makes it difficult to know… wasting a lot of time and that things aren’t organized.
1, 2, 3…
emotion in tone or body reflect feelings,
language mentally summarize restate content

103. Being heard is so
close to being
loved
that for the
average person
they are
almost
indistinguishable.
David Augsberger
kelsey_lovefusionphoto flickr

104. test your
listening

105. Can you tell the story from their
perspective?

106. Did what you hear challenge your
assumptions? Change your worldview in
any way?

107. always be listening
every question is a drop of clarity in a sea
of change
Sean Rogers1 flickr

108. practice, practice, practice

109. build a library of great questions, question
beginnings or prompts

110. be a
story collector

112. stories reveal what people care about most

113. stories reveal how people perceive the world

114. stories point the way to insights

115. Maybe stories are just data with a soul.
Brené Brown

116. learn to listen so you can
see

117. Open your eyes and focus on whatever you observed before – that
plant or leaf or dandelion. Look it in the eye, until you feel it looking
back at you. Feel that you are alone with it on Earth!
That it is the most important thing in the universe, that it contains all
the riddle of life and death. It does! You are no longer looking, you are
SEEING…
The Zen of Seeing, by Frederick Franck
Neal flickr

118. keep in touch
@joyce_hostyn
jhostyn@opentext.com (email)
www.joycehostyn.com/blog (blog)
knowledge.opentext.com/go/adoption (Adoption Community)