As 2012 started, I was recovering from hip replacement surgery, and looking forward to having my mobility—and life—back. But two months into the year I had to face the fact that my business was failing, and wasn’t going to recover. I had to close it, and quickly. In the process I put five people out of jobs—the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I lost my colleagues, I lost my business, I lost my identity, and perhaps most importantly, I lost faith in myself.
In the months that followed, I had constant migraines, started to panic in crowded places, cried an awful lot, gained weight, stopped going out, and felt dizzy every day. All I wanted was to stay under my duvet for a few months, read, watch movies, eat chocolate, and comfort myself back to some semblance of confidence. But that wasn’t an option. I was committed to hosting an international conference in October, so I had no choice but to keep it together, as best I could.
I finally found the courage to tell this story at Dare Conference in London, on 25 March 2013.
7. M&)(r p*(' p($#'%
Sep ‘10
Hip
surgery
Jan ‘09
First
employee
is hired
Jul ‘11
Expanded
to 5
employees
8. M&)(r p*(' p($#'%
Sep ‘10
Hip
surgery
Jan ‘09
First
employee
is hired
Jul ‘11
Expanded
to 5
employees
Sep ‘11
UK trip
9. M&)(r p*(' p($#'%
Sep ‘10
Hip
surgery
Jan ‘09
First
employee
is hired
Jul ‘11
Expanded
to 5
employees
Sep ‘11
UK trip
Oct ’12
CS Forum
2012
10. M&)(r p*(' p($#'%
Sep ‘10
Hip
surgery
Jan ‘09
First
employee
is hired
Jul ‘11
Expanded
to 5
employees
Sep ‘11
UK trip
Oct ’11
Hip
replacement
Oct ’12
CS Forum
2012
13. T&b*" (f *$"%
What I said The truth
“I like being a business owner.” I hated managing other people.
“I love my work!” Work wasn’t fun anymore.
“I’m terribly happy.” I was miserable as sin.
“I’m getting closer to my goals.”
I couldn’t have been further from my
goals if I tried.
“I love my employees.” I’d begun to resent my employees.
22. M&)(r p*(' p($#'%
Jan ‘09 Jul ‘11 Oct ’11
Sep ‘10 Sep ‘11
Hip
surgery
First
employee
is hired
Expanded
to 5
employees
UK trip
Hip
replacement
Oct ’12
CS Forum
2012
23. M&)(r p*(' p($#'%
Jan ‘09 Jul ‘11 Oct ’11
Sep ‘10 Sep ‘11
Hip
surgery
First
employee
is hired
Expanded
to 5
employees
UK trip
Hip
replacement
Feb ’12
A TOUGH
DAY
Oct ’12
CS Forum
2012
25. M&)(r p*(' p($#'%
Jan ‘09 Jul ‘11 Oct ’11
Sep ‘10 Sep ‘11 Feb ’12
Hip
surgery
First
employee
is hired
Expanded
to 5
employees
UK trip
Hip
replacement
A TOUGH
DAY
Oct ’12
CS Forum
2012
26. M&)(r p*(' p($#'%
Jan ‘09 Jul ‘11 Oct ’11
Sep ‘10 Sep ‘11 Feb ’12
Hip
surgery
First
employee
is hired
Expanded
to 5
employees
UK trip
Hip
replacement
A TOUGH
DAY
Oct ’12
CS Forum
2012
Aug ’12
Diagnosed
with
depression
27. M&)(r p*(' p($#'%
Jan ‘09 Jul ‘11 Oct ’11
Sep ‘10 Sep ‘11 Feb ’12
Hip
surgery
First
employee
is hired
Expanded
to 5
employees
UK trip
Hip
replacement
A TOUGH
DAY
Oct ’12
CS Forum
2012
Aug ’12
Diagnosed
with
depression
Sep ’12
Increasing
panic
attacks