This is for anyone who wants a real basic guide to building a working time machine. Everything you could need is there.

1. By Adam Larter

2. Introduction
So, I’ve been building time machines for quite a while now (both in the past
and present).
It started off as a bit of a hobby. I find it quite relaxing.
When you’ve had a long days work it’s a real pleasure to go home and build a
few time machines. Like we say at Time Machine Club; Time really flies when
you’re having fun . . . Building time machines.
About the author.
Adam Larter is a ‘genius’ – The Scotsman 2012.
In the year 2013 he is working as a comedian in
London, in the future he rules the earth as a
vicious and unforgiving dictator.
Look forward to that :p

3. 1. Use a Sega Dreamcast
Most of the parts that are needed for a very basic time machine can be found
in a Sega Dreamcast.
Many people don’t realise that the Sega Dreamcast was originally designed to
be a time machine but abandoned as a product in favour of a more
accessible time-machine.
Do make sure you remove the game before you travel though. A friend of
mine ended up trapped in Sonic Adventure 2 for 6 years!
A standard Sega Dreamcast My Mark 2 Time Machine

4. 2. Drink a lot of coffee.
As of 2013, I have built 46 time machines. I couldn’t be half as productive if I
didn’t have a huge amount of coffee. In an average day I’ll have 4 large
Americanos, 6 cappuccinos and the odd Ristretto.
Drinking coffee makes you feel really good and drinking too much of it makes
your brain work faster and BETTER. Imagine if your brain could be working
faster? That’s practically time travel right there to be able to think faster than
everyone else anyway anyway.
If you have too much coffee you wont be able to sleep and that’s when I built
most of my best time machines. Time machines time machines.

5. 3. Be patient with your time particles
A good time machine uses good time particles.
Time particles can be found in lots of things: Clocks, Museums and Time
magazine. I won’t bore you with the detail but its these particles that make time
travel possible.
To activate them properly you need to remove them with premium washing up
liquid and soak them overnight.
If you do not soak them properly you risk transporting only parts of your body
through time. Everyone knows the story of Mike James from Stratford-Upon-Avon
who transported his willy to 2089 because he was impatient with his time
particles.
If you are buying your time particles off the internet make sure they have been
properly prepared – many people claim they have but, let’s be honest, probably
not.
An un-soaked time particle A fully prepared particle, after 6 weeks

6. 4. Construct in large open spaces
Your time machine is likely to be very large when you are finished. You’re going to
need to have a lot of room to work around it as well so remember that garages,
attics and cupboards just are NOT SUITABLE.
I like to construct in massive, giant venues or open public fields.
The upside to a giant concert venue is the good access to electricity and
knowledge of upcoming theatrical productions. The downside to constructing in a
giant concert venue is the great great cost of hiring it out vs the very little income
generated by spending months building a time machine. If you are building a time
machine though you should stop moaning. Please stop moaning.

7. 5. Do not construct your time machine in America
I am not proud to admit it, but I have been kicked out of the united states 12
times for ‘Constructing illegal weapons’ which they are talking about my time
machine.
There are some countries which welcome your advanced technology – but I
am afraid America just is not one of these countries.
It turns out that they had people spying on me for agggggess because I was
building ‘suspicious devices’. Well guess what I completely prove you wrong
America – when I travelled to the future and took over the world America was
the first place which I conquered and yeh, I enjoyed it. So you definitely reep
what you sow – and you can’t sow anything now after the way that I detroyed
all of your natural resources. Hahaha win!

8. 6. Don’t complain
A lot of people come to me and say ‘My time machine isn’t working, I’ve spent the last
26 years working on it and my wife has left me blah blah blah my life is ruined’.
Well, guess what? Building a time machine isn’t easy. You know what will help you
build your time machine a whole heap quicker? Shut up complaining and build the
damn thing!
We’ve all had several wives leave us but who cares – you’re building a time machine.
Whatever has gone wrong will all be cancelled out by having a time machine. I’ve
been to the future – it’s amazing and definitely worth it and some of the good bits
from the past are quite good too – so basically shut up. Stop moaning.

9. 7. Rewatch Along Came Polly
It’s well known that Ben Stiller is from the future
(makes sense now right?) but his agents have always
advised him to keep this a secret.
For those in the know he peppered the smash hit
film ACP with hundreds of references of how to
build a time machine. If I am ever lost for inspiration
or something isn’t quick clicking I rewatch and
before you know it I’ve built another time machine
AND been ruddy entertained to my bones while
doing it – am I right??
Things to look out for are the ferret who explains
the converse parralax equation and the Jennifer
Anniston’s hilarious euphamism’s for the Quantum
Aerospasm during the boat scenes – it’s worth
watching for that alone. Sam the ferret, a tribe ruler
in the year 2197

10. 8. Smash a lot of things
The reason why a lot of great scientists have never really cracked the secret of
time travel is they are always focused on ‘research’ and ‘logic’ but actually
time travel is much easier. It’s all about smashing things – just get yourself a
big old hammer and smash the fuck out of stuff. Not only does this release
valuable time particles but it also decreases Quantum Plankitude and
Warpanzer Pernance.
With your system optimised you should be able to time travel any weekend of
your choice. Different types of smashing are likely to produce different types
of time travel – for the most pleasant time travel experience try smashing
stuff up to music. I highly recommend the works of SmashMouth –
particularly their song ‘AllStar’ really speaks to me that song!

11. NEIN
I travel back to watch this everyday. There I am

12. 10. Once you have built your time machine, go back in
time and tell yourself how you built it.
The reason I am so good
at building time
machines is I always
remember to help
myself in the past. Time
machines are great like
that.
I didn’t even write this
presentation – I paid
someone in the future
to do it and then send it
back as a .ppt file to
myself in the past –
everything is so much
easier that way.