Secrets of great communicators
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Secrets of great communicators
- 1. Laura Jacob Pro Way Development 2/15/2013
- 2. Name What brought you here today Communication challenge / Desired outcome
- 3. Communication is important at work and home. Everyone is asked to interact with more people (leaders, suppliers, co-workers, etc.). Interactions are more demanding (e.g., ideas for improvement, problem solving, planning). Handling interactions effectively affects how well you do your job.
- 4. Learn a model of communication focused on active listening Know why effective communication is important in building relationships Understand and demonstrate a model of communication and its three parts Practice active listening to get at the true needs Ask useful questions to drill down to a deeper level of response and to check for full understanding Prevent misunderstanding and clarify what others say and mean Brief glance into communications styles
- 6. s on Biases pti a st sum g too f As Speaking Negative in y ak ar l Re a ctions pe cle S n Sla ng Jar or u gon Erudite Vocabulary Message Ro o m to o hot/ n s nter I cold is al ti o e u o r is trac up N V s ti on Sender Di s Receiver Feedback
- 7. Tell De cid e e cid De Listen Ask Decide
- 8. Listening is a skill To demonstrate you understand feelings and thoughts From the other person’s point of view
- 9. Non-verbal, attending Active listening, verbal, paraphrasing, in your own words Reflective listening, listening for what’s behind the words, the meaning
- 10. Brief statements of your understanding of speaker’s thoughts/feelings Capture essence of speaker’s message and/or body language: ◦ Take it in ◦ Sum it up internally ◦ Sort it out in your mind ◦ Say it back in your own words Bolton, R. (1979). People Skills. Simon & Schuster: New York.
- 11. Focus on the speaker Be brief and use empathy Note the general content of the message and how it is said (body language and tone) Focus on feeling words Ask yourself: “What might I be feeling if it were me?”
- 12. Listening starters for what people are thinking ◦ You’re wondering whether... ◦ Your dilemma is whether to...or to... ◦ Your point of view is... ◦ You’re thinking that… Listening starters for what people are feeling ◦ You sound... ◦ You feel... ◦ You look...
- 13. What a change! I feared I wouldn’t get a promotion, but it came through. Our new home is just super. Marie and the kids seem more content then they have ever been. ◦ You’re happy because things are going well in all parts of your life. My husband drives me crazy. First he says we’re doing fine and don’t have any financial worries. The next day he blows up when I buy something for the house. ◦ You feel anxious because he is so inconsistent.
- 14. “Yes” signals you have heard the speaker correctly “Yes” counts if no new content follows “Yes” can also be: “No” “Right” Nonverbal head shake After “Yes” Listener decides where to go next in communication model
- 15. ________Verbal or Words? ________Vocal or Tone? ________Visual or Non verbal actions ? 15
- 16. Eye contact Open posture Sitting upright and forward Head nods Facial expression
- 17. Environmental ◦ Choose an appropriate setting ◦ Plan to talk when there is little chance of distraction/interruption Verbal ◦ Know what you want to communicate and say it clearly ◦ Ask questions and repeat important information to be sure you understand what the other person is saying ◦ Listen carefully to what the other person says to you Interpersonal ◦ Set aside assumptions and biases to focus on what the other person has to say ◦ Be alert for possible differences in perception ◦ Be flexible--if someone doesn’t understand your idea, try expressing it differently (e.g., draw a picture or use an example).
- 18. Do any of these behaviors describe you when you listen? Narrowing your eyes Frowning Rolling eyes Drumming Fingers Shaking your head Withdrawing Shrugging your shoulders Sighing Swishing your foot Slumping in chair Playing with a pencil Looking away Looking critical Staring at person Glancing at the desk Bouncing leg Changing the subject Hanging head down Not moving Multi-tasking
- 19. Originates from an open mind and genuine curiosity Allows speakers to reveal what’s most important to them Invites speakers to do their own thinking Encourages speakers to self-evaluate their own data
- 20. Close-ended Questions First Level Inquiry: Surface level data Structure Who? Close-ended questions What? When? Second Level Inquiry Why? Drilling down to detail How? Establish rationale (why, Feeling? how questions) Communicate thoughts & feelings Open-ended questions Open-ended Questions
- 21. Leading questions ◦ “Don’t you think...” ◦ “Is that what really...” ◦ “Didn’t you say...” Contains advice ◦ “Did you try...” ◦ “Have you thought about...” ◦ “Why don’t you...” Leading and loading questions pulls the speaker off focus by filling questioner’s “need to know”
- 22. Explain the reasoning behind Telling suggestions or De opinions cid Sharing e Speaking ci de De Give data when helpful Include your Active Asking feelings and Listening Decide experiences when Reflecting Questioning appropriate Inquiring
- 23. • Before responding to a request you are unsure of, first e-mail your understanding of the request (reflect) • Next, respond in relationship to your reflection • Invite an accuracy check from the sender • If a message sounds hot or emotional, pick up the phone or schedule a meeting
- 24. Assess • What’s the goal of the communication/interaction? • What do I know? • What do I need to know? • What do I want to happen as a result of the communication/interaction? Plan • Who needs to be involved? • What is the best channel? • What do they need to know? • When is the best time to deliver the message? • What do they want to know? • How much time is needed? • What barriers may exist? • Where should the message be • What info needs to be delivered (watch for conveyed? (What’s the most environmental barriers) basic takeaway?)
- 25. Surface Issue Normal conversation starts here Reflection helps you get to the real issue Sometimes the normal efficiently and effectively conversation gets here Real Issue
- 26. Perceptions of others may prevent effective communication We may label someone as difficult when in reality the person is simply different from you. Understanding our behavioral style and communication patterns, as well as those of your employees, peers, and boss can help us build credibility in the workplace 26
- 27. Assertiveness: Expressiveness: Are opinions state with Are we perceived as assurance, confidence or expressing or holding back force? on expressing feelings? Is input given with Do we react to influences, declarations and attempts to appeals or stimulation with a direct others? display of emotions? Do we displays emotions outwardly? 28
- 28. More Assertive Behavior • Louder volume of speech • Faster pacing of speech • More expression of opinions • Body posture is forward • More directive gesture Less Expressive • Longer lasting eye contact More Expressive Behavior Behavior •More expressive facial •Fewer facial expressions expressions •More use of hands & body •Less use of hands & Controller Persuader •More people oriented body •Less task oriented •Less oriented to Stabilizer •More varied pace of vocal people Analyzer delivery •More task oriented •More voice inflection •More even pace of Less Assertive Behavior •More use of describing delivery things using feeling words •Less voice inflection •Softer volume of speech than fact words •Less use of feeling •Slower pace of speech words in describing •Less expressing of opinions things •Body posture is more back •Fewer directive gesture •Less eye contact
- 29. Adjusting our style to someone else’s Helps put them at ease May increase the effectiveness of our interaction Also called “flexing” styles Doesn’t Matter Where You Live If you Know How to Travel… 30
- 30. To be influential in a request Making a critical presentation The first time you meet a person When there may be some stress or conflict Addressing a customer problem or complaint 31
- 31. Recognize the other style Plan your flex (adjustment) both content and delivery Do the “flex” Use Active Listening Evaluate how you did 32
Notes de l'éditeur
- Welcome Introduce myself Thank them for having me Ask them to put names on tent cards Any questions about the material? Review flip charts Ask for desired outcomes Understand that this is more lecture oriented I tend to go fast please stop me if I do or to ask questions Communication Cycle Active Listening Asking Telling Communication Barriers Wrap Up Team Leaders and participants need to be effective communicators. Most of the time we don’t communicate. We just take turns talking.” -unknown “ We don’t listen. We reload.” -unknown Explain the quotes Explain where this fit in the class and why you are only covering a part of it. Communication is a key to success in almost every job Everyone is asked to interact with more people (leaders, suppliers, co-workers, etc.). Interactions are more demanding (e.g., ideas for improvement, problem solving, planning). Handling interactions effectively affects your job performance.
- Each person has a different perspective The brain filters reality through experience, beliefs, education and imprints a new reality Each person’s reality is different Most of the time we don’t communicate. We just take turns talking.” -unknown “ We don’t listen. We reload.” -unknown Explain the quotes Explain where this fit in the class and why you are only covering a part of it. Communication is a key to success in almost every job Everyone is asked to interact with more people (leaders, suppliers, co-workers, etc.). Interactions are more demanding (e.g., ideas for improvement, problem solving, planning). Handling interactions effectively affects your job performance. Flipchart responses (optional) Who? Co-workers Customers Suppliers or Vendors Supervisor/Manager/Leaders Why? Get work done Service Customers/Keep Customers Maintain Productivity
- . Takeaway: Reflection is a tool that helps ensure that what was said was clearly communicated and understood. Recap this session. Looked at a model of communication that defined listening as a skill that can be developed Emphasized active listening or reflecting to ensure we have understood others and have also been understood. Any questions?
- NOTES: Show Slide without barriers. Describe: Simple Communication Process (Sender, Message, Receiver, and Feedback) Click mouse, each barrier appears between Sender and Receiver. Say and briefly describe each barrier. (Optional: Ask, “What’s going on here?” Answer: Communication, but things are clouding the message on behalf of each person and/or the environment) Ask: What needs to happen for effective interpersonal communication to take place? Sender’s thoughts, facts, beliefs, attitudes, or feelings must be understood by the receiver (Hellriegel, Slocum, Woodman). Say: Communication occurs when a message is sent by a sender and received by a receiver. As simple as this may sound, the complication occurs because the message sent does not always equate the message received. Say: We will learn a model of communication to help ensure that what was said was clearly communicated and understood.
- Determine reason or purpose for listening Bracket your ego/Suspend judgement Concentrate on the sender’s whole message (rather than forming evaluations on the basis of the first few ideas presented) Resist distractions (e.g., noises, sights, and other people) focus on sender Rephrase (in your own words) the content and feeling of what the sender seems to be saying, (especially when the message is emotional or unclear) Most of these active listening skills are interrelated. That is, you can’t practice one without improving the others. The more you practice active listening skills, the more likely you will be able to enter into effective dialogue. Listening to understand builds trust and relationships. Making the other person feel heard is like giving them a valuable gift. Capture the speaker’s essence, not verbatim Don’t want to sound like a parrot
- Bracketing your ego means putting your own thoughts about the topic aside so you can truly listen. Listening for feeling words -identify the verbally expressed feelings in a conversation. Read aloud this statement from a young career woman: Ask the participants to write down the words that most directly communicate the emotions that the young woman is describing. “ I can’t believe how much I’m enjoying my job. And I’m into a lot of fun things outside of work. I'm so busy I hardly have time to think. But when I’m alone I get tense because I have to face how lonely I am when all the activity stops.” Reflecting response : “Even though you’re having lots of fun, there’s loneliness, too.” Overall content -may give clues of what someone is feeling: Read the following statement and guess what Eric’s feelings are: Also, checking out Eric’s body language would help the listener appraise Eric’s emotions with great accuracy. “ That customer sure led me down the primrose path. He had me come to his company for three appointments. Spent hours of my time going over every detail of my recommendations for a changeover in production methods. Then he purchased my competitor's line and won’t even see me on sales calls now.” Observing body language -this is one of the most effective ways of understanding what another person is feeling; facial expression, tone of voice, gesture, and posture give such important clues to a person’s feeling state. Eye contact Open posture Sitting upright and forward Head nods Facial expression What would I be feeling -as you are listening to the speaker ask yourself, “What would I be feeling if I were saying and doing those things?” When the listener reflects his/her understanding of the other’s feelings the speaker will automatically let us know whether or not we heard correctly-by nodding his/her head, saying “Yes” or “Right”, or correcting what we said.
- True Reflections: Are brief statements of your understanding of the speaker’s thoughts/feelings Reflections are never longer than the speakers message and are often much shorter Capture the essence of the speaker’s message, not a verbatim restatement Are not phrased like a question (i.e., the tone of your voice should not be raised at the end of your statement) Get to the “Yes” Any questions before we look at a few examples?
- Have class stand raise right hand form a circle with thumb and fore finger put it on your chin What happened? Three primary means of demonstrating listening: 10% Verbal (paraphrasing, in your own words) 30% Non-verbal (mms, ahhs, mm-hmms, yes’s, no’s, etc.) 60% Reflection (listening for the meaning behind the words) Emails, emoticons Another Challenge you put on your cheek
- Validate What you might think about the listener’s body language could be totally different. Example: a participant comes back from lunch and is sitting in the chair with his/her arms crossed and looking angry. The facilitator might assume that this person is not interested or bored with the class. When the facilitator asks this person the facilitator finds out that the person had a bad burrito for lunch and is having a horrible upset stomach. Always VALIDATE!!! Body Language & Tone Discussion What body language indicates that someone is listening to you? How do you feel towards that person? What body language/tone indicates that someone is not listening? How does poor listening behavior make you feel? So be conscious of what you see (more will be said about describing that) and how you are expressing yourself. Do the elements match? Do his/her words match what you see and hear? Do your words match what he/she is seeing and hearing?
- Most of us are good at asking questions. We do it naturally and easily. The challenge is to do it in a way that enhances communication
- Ask: What are some situations that require skillful inquiry skills? One Answer: interviewing Close-ended questions direct the speaker to give a specific, short response. They are often answered with the one word like “yes” or “no”. Open-ended questions provide space for the speaker to explore his/her thoughts without being hemmed in too much by the listener’s categories. Open-ended question begin with words such as: tell me about, why, how, explain, and describe. You can use first level inquiry to figure out where you’d like to get more information (I.E. move to second level inquiry). This can be likened to drilling a well. First, you decide where to drill by doing preliminary exploration (e.g., soil samples). When you find an area in which to dig, you drill down.
- Loaded -dictates the answer If you have a statement to make, make it Time Permitting XXX Have groups come up with good open questions for first time meeting with buyers and sellers Suggests a “right answer
- To speak or write in support or favor of something. Voice your opinions/thoughts/feeling. Give your rationale; explain your point of view.
- This is an abstraction of a conversation. The speaker, in this conversation, has a message to convey, but for whatever reason, the receiver isn’t getting it. Conversations like this can go around and around without ever touching on the real issue. Ask: Have any of you ever experienced this? Reflection is a tool that can help you quickly acknowledge another person and get to the heart of the matter efficiently, while making the sender feel truly heard. Click to drop red arrow and reveal takeaway.
- Say: Our communication style is only one part of what makes us who we are. Like a bucket from the ocean, it will tell you something but not everything about the ocean. Say: This instrument measures 2 dimensions of normal behavior – expressiveness and assertiveness. Before we discuss what these two dimensions mean and the 4 styles that make up the communication style we are going to complete a self profile that will be one tool to help us identify our styles. “ All people exhibit all four behavioral factors in varying degrees of intensity.” – W.M. Marston Success depends on our ability to know ourselves and others Remember, the category does not define you it only describes you This is important because we don’t want participants to walk away thinking that their style is the only thing that makes up who they are.
- Say: This assessment looks at two dimensions of behavior, assertiveness and expressiveness. We will look at each dimension, the four styles it builds and then our preferred style. Before showing the bullets on assertiveness ask how would you define behavior that is assertive? Review the points on assertiveness Possible answer: assertiveness The way you go about asserting your views, recommendations and needs. Assertiveness is the effort that a person makes to influence or control the thoughts or actions of others. People who are assertive tell others how things should be. They are task oriented, active, confident and ambitious. People who are less assertive ask others how things should be. They are reserved, easygoing, private and deliberate. Say: The second dimension of this model is about expressiveness. Before showing the bullets on expressiveness ask what does expressiveness mean to you? Ask: and the extent to which you display your emotions outwardly. I.e. Can people tell what you are thinking or feeling by reading your face. Expressiveness is also the effort that a person makes to control his or her emotions and feelings when relating to others. People who are expressive display their emotions. People who are not expressive control their emotions. They are controlled and quiet.
- Style flexing is like going to another country and adjusting to the customs and traditions of that country, their language, their rituals and their preferences. Flexing on the job is knowing people critical to your success well enough so when you are communicating with them you are considering their preferences and adapting yourself accordingly. Style flexing is like going to another country and adjusting to the customs and traditions of that country, their language, their rituals and their preferences. Flexing on the job is knowing people critical to your success well enough so when you are communicating with them you are considering their preferences and adapting yourself accordingly. You may want to conduct the exercise where you have participants cross their arms and then try to cross them the other way. Most people will find it challenging the do it the way that is less comfortable. The point is that they can flex in this case how they cross their arms. Like style flexing you just have to do it for a short period of time. How might we use the communication process as a tool? ASK Why might we want to flex our styles?
- Say: How to do we flex? Open from a neutral position, aware of your style, look for signs of the other person’s style adjust your style as necessary. Pick 2-3 things from the handout to do differently Say there may be factors that affect your ability to influence including: Relationships Record or history with the other person Range of authority or roles