1.
https://learn.extension.org/events/2588
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family
Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.
Communication “In the Crunch”

2.
Connecting military family service providers
to research and to each other
through innovative online programming
www.extension.org/militaryfamilies
MFLN Intro
2
Sign up for webinar email notifications at www.extension.org/62831

3.
Connecting military family service providers
to research and to each other
through innovative online programming
MFLN Intro
3
Join the Conversation Online!

4.
Join the Conversation Online!
MFLN Military Caregiving
MFLN Military Caregiving @MFLNMC
MFLN Group https://www.linkedin.com/groups/8409844
MC SMS icons
4
Military Families Learning Network

5.
Webinar Presenter – Jane Riffe
• Professor, Therapist
• Research & Teaching in:
• Couple and Relationship
Education
• Mindfulness to reduce
everyday stress
• Co-Parenting Strategies
• Podcasts for MFLN online
for your use
5

6.
Communication in the
“Crunch”
Jane Riffe, Ed.D., LICSW, LPC
Associate Professor, Retired
West Virginia University Extension
6

7.
Today we will…
 Identify personal agendas that limit communication and
undermine relationships.
 Describe practices which open communication possibilities.
 Identify specific ways to improve your communication style
under stress.
 Please use the chat to share!
7

8.
Guiding Principles
• Empower families
• Work as partners, not
from “one-up” position.
• Individuals and families
are experts in their own
experiences.
• Daily choice points in
communication affect
relationships.
• Mindfully notice slips and
correct the course.
• Permission to use all
handouts
8

9.
Poor Communication
• #1 reason couples split up
• Excessive family conflict
• Ineffective problem solving
• Children: More behavior and school problems
• Weak emotional bonding
• Physical and mental health risks for adults and kids
9

10.
Satisfied with Communication
• Relationship satisfaction and stability
• Admiration for each other
• Confidence in current and future ability to resolve
unavoidable problems
• Better mental and physical health
• Increased longevity
• Fewer lost work days
10

11.
Benefits to Children
• More effective parenting
• Better academic performance
• Better health behaviors
• Reduced school misbehavior
11

12.
Our Intention
• Clear
• Courteous
• Compassionate
• Connected
12

13.
The Reality
• Times you have missed this mark?
• Percentage of times you feel you really communicated
or listened?
 50%?
• What problems have you have experienced
communicating with your families?
• What communication problems have you have seen in
your families?
13

14.
14

15.
Losing Agendas in Relationships
1. Being right
2. Controlling the other person
3. Unbridled self-expression
4. Retaliation
5. Withdrawal
Terrence Real (2007). The New Rules of Marriage:
What You Need to Know to Make Love Work. www.terryreal.com
15

16.
#1 Being Right!
• According to
whom?
• Her Truth vs.
His Truth
• I know what is
best for you.
• Endless battles
“persuading” the
other
• Leads to
frustration and
anger
• Can become
abusive or
disempowering
16
Would you rather: Be Right
or Be in Relationship?

17.
Share via Chat
• Have you ever found yourself in this Being Right cycle?
• How did it work for you?
• How about being on the receiving end of listening to
someone who always has to be right?
17

18.
#2 Control
• Trying to get another adult to do/not do something
• Often cloaked as advice, teaching, care-giving
 Don’t you think you should…?
• Comes from one-up position, “I know what you need
better than you know for yourself.”
• Can be direct or indirect (manipulation)
• People don’t like being controlled. Payback is inevitable.
18

19.
#3 Unbridled Self-Expression
• Misconception: “I have the right and need to share all my
feelings with you right now.”
• Myth: Spontaneously sharing all my thoughts will
increase closeness.
• Truth: Better to think before you speak
• This might be called the “Barf Bag” approach to
relationships.
• Your experiences with those who use this approach?
19

20.
#4 Retaliation
• Offending from the victim position
 “I’ll get you back.”
• Trying to “make you feel what I feel.”
• Can be explicit or covert (passive aggressive)
• Verbal, financial, physical
• Can be a reaction to control
20

21.
#5 Withdrawal
 Turning away
 Angry silence or passive resignation
 Unwilling to stay with an important talk “Stonewalling”
(Gottman)
 Differs > Responsible Distance Taking
 “I love you.”
 “I will be back.”
 “We can discuss this later,
I just can’t productively do it now.”
21

22.
So what are your favorites?
• Think about the last argument you had with your
partner/spouse/child/or close friend.
• Knowing your own tendencies can help you change a
pattern and recognize it in others.
• “Learn first what you want to teach to others.”
• How might you use the Losing Strategies Quiz with your
clients, co-workers, family?
22

23.
Five Losing Agendas
Vote for the strategy you recognize that you do most often.
1. Being right
2. Controlling the other person
3. Unbridled self-expression
4. Retaliation
5. Withdrawal
Thank you!
23

24.
Recipe for Communication
• Reflective listening
• Encouragement
• Compromise and cooperation
• I messages
• Practice
• Engagement
Adapted from Penn State FRIDGE (Food-Related Intergenerational Discussion Group
Experiences) curriculum.
http://extension.psu.edu/youth/intergenerational/program-areas/nutrition-health/fridge
24

25.
Listen with Curiosity
 Put yourself aside, you are at their service.
 Goal: Help them feel better
 Goal: The other person feels understood
 Be fascinated in how s/he sees it differently.
Tips for staying curious: (REFLECTION)
 “So this is what is going on for you, right?”
 “If I am understanding, you are feeling super irritated with…and
want….am I getting it?”
25

26.
RASA – The “Juice”
• Receive
• Appreciate
• Summarize
• Ask
Julian Treasure – 5 Ways to Listen
Better TED Talk: https://youtu.be/cSohjlYQI2A?t=330
26

27.
Encourage! 5:1 Ratio
• Be positive
• 5 positive: 1 negative (Gottman)
• Frequently give verbal compliments to those you love.
• Don’t assume they know how much you appreciate
them.
• Give weekly “Family Hero” awards
Family
Hero!
27

28.
Compromise
• No one ever gets everything they want.
• Cooperate to find solutions.
• Be willing to let go of hurt feelings to move forward.
• Find ways to work together rather than fight.
• “If you help me with the checkbook, I will fix us a nice
meal.”
28

29.
Shift from Complaint to Request
Complaining is not the easiest path to change.
• Avoid the temptation to criticize or blame.
• “What’s past is past.”
• State your request - ask for specific behaviors that will
make you feel better right now
 “Reasonable and “Video-clear”
 “Going forward, I’d really like if you talked it over with me before
making appointments/decisions that affect us both.”
29

30.
Respectful Requests:
Say What You Want Using “I”
“When you yell at me/roll your eyes,
I make up that you are really tired of all this work, and
I feel scared that you might leave.”
“What I’d like is for you is to let me know when you are
feeling overwhelmed and about to blow, maybe we can
be in different rooms for a while, then come back to talk it
through.” (future)
30

31.
Practice, Practice, Practice
• Expect that conscious communication can be feel
unnatural at first.
• Acknowledge “Right, it seems a little weird. We are trying
to speak more kindly and directly to make our family
happier.”
• Allow other family members time to get the new style
and skills.
31

32.
Engagement
• Give your loved ones your full attention.
• When you can’t, say so and agree to listen later.
“Susie, I really want to hear what you are saying
and I can’t focus right now.
Would it be okay if I just finished this and then
we could talk in about 10 minutes?”
32

33.
Engagement
• Favor your right ear.
• Avoid interrupting or re-directing the conversation to your
concerns.
• Set aside judgment. Exhale slowly when you notice
judgment in words or thoughts.
• Not necessary to agree or like someone, just withhold
blame or criticism to fully understand.
33

34.
Remember Love!
If you have to choose
between being kind and
being right, choose being
kind and you’ll always be
right.
34

35.
“Magic Days” Experiment
• Decide on 2-3 Magic Days for the week ahead.
• Magic Days give you the power to experiment with new
moves in your communication.
• Pick one thing, like changing a complaint to a request, or
telling your partner or child what you cherish about her or
him.
• On magic days, you can’t do the same old thing.
• On ordinary days, continue with how you have always
talked with others.
• See if you notice a difference.
35

36.
Your Plan?
Based on today’s presentation, please write:
• Two specific things you will do to improve your
communication when you are “in the crunch.
-OR-
• One significant thing you learned today?
36

37.
Questions?
37

38.
Resources
• Futris, Ted. 9 Important Skills for Every Relationship (Downloadable Tip Sheet)
http://www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/extension-resources-publications-enrich-couple-relationships
• Gottman, John (2001). The Relationship Cure. Three Rivers Press: New York.
• Peterson, Rick. (2009). Families First-Keys to Successful Family Functioning: Communication.
Virginia Tech, Extension Publication #350-092. https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-092/350-092.html
• Real, Terrence (2007). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work.
Ballentine Books: New York. www.terryreal.com
• Riffe, J. (2015).Reflect! Keep Calm and Carry On. (3 Mindfulness Podcasts) Extension Military
Families Network https://blogs.extension.org/militaryfamilies/military-caregiving/audiocasts-and-
podcasts/
• ELEVATE for couples – Downloadable couples education curriculum blending practical skills with
an understanding of the physiology of human interaction to enhance couple communication and
relationship satisfaction http://www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/elevate
38

39.
References
• Adler‐Baeder, F., Calligas, A., Skuban, E., Keiley, M., Ketring, S., & Smith, T. (2013). Linking changes in
couple functioning and parenting among couple relationship education participants. Family Relations,
62(2), 284-297.
• Gottman, John (2001). The Relationship Cure. Three Rivers Press: New York.
• FRIDGE Food-Related Intergenerational Discussion Group Experiences Curriculum)
http://extension.psu.edu/youth/intergenerational/program-areas/nutrition-health/fridge
• Peterson, Rick. (2009). Families First-Keys to Successful Family Functioning: Communication
Virginia Tech, Extension Publication #350-092.
https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-092/350-092.html
• Real, Terrence (2007). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work.
Ballentine Books: New York. www.terryreal.com
• Robles, T. R. (2014). Marital quality and health: Implications for marriage in the 21st century. Current
Directions in Psychological Science, 23(6), 427-432.
• Schneider, B., Atteberry, A., & Owens, A. (2005). Family matters: Family structure and child outcomes.
Retrieved from http://www.acpeds.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/FamilyMatters.pdf
• Riffe, J. (2015).Reflect! Keep Calm and Carry On. (3 Mindfulness Podcasts) Extension Military Families
Network https://blogs.extension.org/militaryfamilies/military-caregiving/audiocasts-and-podcasts/
• Wiley, A., Adler-Baeder, F., & Warzinik, K. (2012). Care for self: Maintaining physical, sexual, emotional
and spiritual wellness. In Futris, T. G. & Adler-Baeder, F. Eds. (2013). The national extension relationship
and marriage education model: Core teaching concepts for relationship and marriage enrichment
programming. www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/nermem-book-chapters
39

40.
Certificate of Completion
MFLN Military Caregiving is offering a
certificate of completion for today’s webinar.
To receive a certificate of completion, please
complete the evaluation at:
https://vte.co1.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_d3R
Uw4KgDy9M3bL
40

41.
Military Caregiving Upcoming Event
Coming Summer 2016!
TRICARE® - Active Duty Family Members
with Special Needs
For more information on MFLN Military Caregiving go to:
https://blogs.extension.org/militaryfamilies/military-caregiving/
41

42.
www.extension.org/62581
42This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family
Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.