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Welcome to the
Military Families Learning Network Webinar
Preparing Caregivers to Communicate Effectively Using
Three Types of Communication Skills
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture,
and the Office of Family Policy, Children and Youth, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2010-48869-20685 and 2012-48755-20306.

2. To receive notifications of future webinars and other learning opportunities
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Learning Network Email Mailing list at: http://bit.ly/MFLNlist
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Welcome to the
Military Families Learning Network
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture,
and the Office of Family Policy, Children and Youth, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2010-48869-20685 and 2012-48755-20306.

3. Military Families Learning Network
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture,
and the Office of Family Policy, Children and Youth, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2010-48869-20685 and 2012-48755-20306.
To receive notifications of future webinars and other learning opportunities from the
Military Families Learning Network, sign up for the Military Families Learning Network
Email Mailing
list at: http://bit.ly/MFLNlist
Military Caregiving
eXmilcaregiving
@eXmilcaregiving
#eXmilcaregiving
milfamln

4. https://learn.extension.org/events/1467
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture,
and the Office of Family Policy, Children and Youth, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2010-48869-20685 and 2012-48755-20306.
Available Resources

5. CEU Process
The Military Caregiving Concentration team has
applied for 1.00 CE credit from NASW.
For more information on CE credit contact
woundedwarrior@ag.tamu.edu
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture,
and the Office of Family Policy, Children and Youth, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2010-48869-20685 and 2012-48755-20306.

6. Mary Brintnall-Peterson, Ph.D.
Preparing Caregivers to
Communicate Effectively
Using Three Types of
Communication Skills

7. Mary Brintnall-Peterson, Ph.D.
Passionate About Family Caregiving
• Owner of MBP Consulting, LLC
• Professor Emeritus University
of Wisconsin-Extension
• Over 25 years as an educator
of family caregivers
• Personal and professional
caregiving experiences
• mbpconsulting@tds.net

8. Who is with us today?
• Family Caregiver
• Professional Caregiver
• Professional who supports caregivers
• Both-currently caregiver and
professional
POLLING QUESTION

9. • Introduce three communication skills:
• “I” vs. “You” messages
• Assertive communication
• Aikido communication
• Provide examples for each skill
• Share additional resources on
communication skills
Today’s Goals

10. • Teach the three different communication
skills to caregivers
• Identify situations where caregivers
could use one of the communication
skills
• Integrate the teaching of communication
skills to caregivers when working with
them
You will be able to…

11. What % of our communication is
non-verbal?
POLLING QUESTION
A. 45%
B. 10%
C. 55%
D. 82%

12. • 55% body language
• 38% tone of voice
• 7% words we say
Communication is divided between:

13. • Verbal communication
• Speaking-voice tone, volume, clarity
• Non-verbal communication
• Body language
• Facial expressions
• Posture
• Gestures
• Eye contact
• Breathing
• Muscle tension
Communication Review

14. • Check for
• Congruence-words and body language the
same
• Clusters-body language is all the same
• Context-past history; role of individuals
Non-Verbal Communication

15. • Be attentive.
• Stay focused
• Avoid distractions
• Encourage conversation.
• Avoid interruptions
• Avoid being judgmental
• Confirm what was said.
• Use open-ended questions
• Paraphrase what you heard as needed
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
Listening Keys

16. • Take signals from individual you are
communicating with.
• Use words they understand
• Respect mood & tone
• Beware of disclaimers.
• “maybe”
• “mostly”
• “probably”
• “but”
• “might”
• “usually”
Listening Keys cont.

17. • Identify a difficult conversation you have
been putting off
• Who is it with?
• What is the conversation about?
• What do you want to accomplish?
• Express thoughts and feelings
• Be honest and direct
• Create harmony
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
A Difficult Conversation

18. • “I” Messages: promotes ownership of
thoughts and feelings
• Assertive: helps to be open, honest and
direct without hurting feelings
• Aikido: helps find common ground and
build harmony
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
Three Communication Skills

19. • Takes ownership for thoughts & feelings
• Increases chances of being heard
• Keeps conversation positive
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
“I” Messages

20. 1. You never take me out since your
accident.
2. I know you don’t feel uncomfortable being
out but I still wish we would go out.
3. I really enjoy our time together when we
are out and wish we had more of it.
4. I am hurt that you won’t take me out as I
really miss our time together.
Which Message is an “I” Message?
POLLING QUESTION

21. 1. You never take me out since your
accident.
2. I know you don’t feel uncomfortable
being out but I still wish we would go out.
3. I really enjoy our time together when we
are out and wish we could do more of it.
“I message”
4. I am hurt that you won’t take me out as I
really miss our time together.
Which Message is an “I” Message?

22. • Person feels attacked
• Respond by “fighting back” or withdraw
• Increase anger & frustration
• Doesn’t resolve problem or concern
• Often hidden in “I” messages
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
“You” Messages

23. • Raising a concern
• I hope we can discuss our relationship so
we can stop being upset with each other.
• Returning a problem
• I know how disappointed you are in not
being able to return to active duty so how
will you manage it?
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
Other Uses for “I” Messages

24. • State your intention and expectations
• I expect you to be ready to go for your
appointment at 2:00 pm, when I get home
from work, so you won’t be late.
• Expressing positive feelings &
compliments
• I get the impression you are passionate
about working with wounded warriors as it
shows in the care you provide to Tom.
Other Uses for “I” Messages cont.

25. “I” Messages Fact Sheet

26. • Not aggression
• Honest open communication
• Shares feelings and thoughts
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
Assertive–Getting What You Need

27. • Statements are clear and direct
• Does not blame or accuse
• Uses “I” messages
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
Assertive–Getting What You Need

28. • Describe the situation
• Express feelings
• Specify what needs to be done
• Consequences are spelled out
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
4 Steps to Assertive Communication

29. Caregiver Story–
Cecil, Maria, and Ivan

30. • Describe-He is leaving the care of his dog,
Buddy, to his parents. Buddy is confused about
who he should be loyal to and a bond isn’t being
established between the two of them.
• Express-Upset and concerned
• Specify-Needs to take responsibility for the care
of buddy and to work on creating a bond with him
so you can be independent.
• Consequences-Parents will share their concern
about Cecil lack of responsibly with Buddy. One
possible outcome is Buddy being taken away
from him.
Caregiver Story–
Cecil, Maria, and Ivan

31. Caregiver Story–Harold & Karen

32. • Describe- Stopped going to his counseling
appointments to work on strategies to manage
his anger.
• Express-Afraid about him hurting himself or
someone when he becomes angry
• Specify-Need to continue working on
managing anger and to identify what triggers it
• Consequences-Would feel terrible about
hurting someone as he is not a violent person
Harold’s Stopped going to Counseling
appointments

33. Assertive Style Fact Sheet

34. • Align- put yourself in the other person’s
shoes
• Agree- find common ground
• Redirect energies- focuses on areas
of agreement
• Resolve problems-agree on solution
Aikido Communication–
Finding Common Ground

35. FortHoodSentinel
Caregiver Story–
Matt and Sarah

36. • Align-proud of his accomplishments
• Agree-don’t want him to use walking
aids
• Redirect energies-building and
keeping strong muscles
• Resolve problems-workout with others
Caregiver Story– Matt and Sarah

37. Caregiver Story–Randy and Sandy

38. • Align-gone through a lot together and
relationship grown
• Agree-desire to be independent & live
alone
• Redirect energies-different ideas about
what is needed before having a place of
your own
• Resolve problems-meet with blind
soldiers to hear how they gained their
independence & keep positive
relationship
Caregiver Story–Randy and Sandy

39. Aikido Style Fact Sheet

40. Assertive Style
• “Standing Tall”
• Positive style
• Direct, clear, straight
forward
• Especially useful in:
• Setting limits
• Asking for help
• Advocating for another
• Making difficult
decisions
• Dealing with difficult
communication
interactions
Aikido Style
• “Standing With”
• Positive style
• Less direct: more gentle
& supportive
• Useful to:
• Defuse emotionally
charged situations
• Help others feel they
are understood
• Reduce anger
• Balance emotions so
can deal with issues
Powerful Tools for Caregiver, Page 58
Differences

41. If one communication style doesn’t
work try the other
Assertive & Aikido Styles

42. Caregiver Story–Randy and Sandy

43. Aikido Style
• Align-gone through a lot
together and relationship
grown
• Agree-desire to be
independent & live alone
• Redirect energies-
different ideas about
what is needed before
having a place of your
own
• Resolve problems-
meet with blind soldiers
to hear how they gained
their independence &
keep positive
relationship
Assertive Style
• Describe-difficult two
years and our relationship
has grown but we have
been fighting about what
needs to happen before
you live on your own
• Express-Concerned and
fearful
• Specify-Need to seek
outside help so we can
reach agreement on what
needs to happen before he
lives on his own
• Consequences-
relationship will suffer and
we will continue to fight
without coming to
resolution

44. • Non-verbal communication
• Verbal communication
• Listening
Summary

45. • Three communication skills:
• “I” Messages-promotes ownership of thoughts
and feelings
• You Messages-feel attacked
• Assertive-is specific and direct.
The four steps are:
• Describe
• Express
• Specify
• Provides consequences
Summary

46. • Communication skills cont.
• Aikido-finds common ground and builds
harmony
• Align-puts yourself in the other person’s
shoes
• Agree-finds common ground
• Redirect energies-focuses on agreement
• Resolve problems-agreeing on solution
Summary

47. Was today’s presentation helpful in
identifying which communication skill you
would use for your difficult conversation?
A. Yes
B. No
Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver Helpbook: Powerful
Tools for Caregiving. United States of America: Perseus Books.
A Difficult Conversation
POLLING QUESTION

48. • Family Caregiver Alliance
• http://www.extension.org/family_caregiving
• Veterans Family Caregivers
• http://www.caregiver.va.gov/
• Military Family Caregivers
• http://www.extension.org/pages/60576
Resources

49. Questions or Reactions

50. • Cleland, M., Schmall, V., & Sturdevant, M. (2000). The Caregiver
Helpbook: Powerful Tools for Caregiving. United States of America:
Perseus Books.
• Robinson, L & Segal, J. Effective Communication: Improving
Communication Skills in Business and Relationships.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq6_nonverbal_communication.htm
• Segal, J. (2012, September). Non-verbal Communication: Improving Your
Nonverbal skills and Reading Body Language.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq6_nonverbal_communication.htm
• Thompson, J. (2012, September 30) Is Non Verbal Communication a
Numbers game? Retrieved from Psychology Today.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-words/201109/is-nonverbal-
communication-numbers-game
References

51. Military Families Learning Network
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture,
and the Office of Family Policy, Children and Youth, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2010-48869-20685 and 2012-48755-20306.
Military Caregiving
Mary 28, 2014 @ 11:00 am Eastern
Effects of Visible & Invisible Parent
Combat Injuries on Children
For more information on MFLN–Military Caregiving go to:
http://www.extension.org/pages/60576
UPCOMING EVENTS

52. Military Families Learning Network
This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture,
and the Office of Family Policy, Children and Youth, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2010-48869-20685 and 2012-48755-20306.
Military Caregiving, Family Development,
Personal Finance, Network Literacy
Find all upcoming and recorded webinars
covering:
http://www.extension.org/62581