This document discusses the author's lifelong feelings of cynicism and lack of identity. Throughout their education, teachers remarked on their contrarian nature. As an adult, the author wonders if they are free to choose their own beliefs and commitments or if they just adopt different stances situationally. They have concerns about the worldview presented as scientific and are growing skeptical of the meaning and proper role of science. However, the author questions if these opinions will change after graduating with a physics degree or if they are just a hollow sophist unable to commit to any beliefs for long.

1. Sucked Dry
I have been aflicted with political, moral and social malaise since a child. Many of my teachers
have remarked – throughout my education – that I was one of the most cynical people they had ever
met. Something of a natural contrarian, a devils advocate (and I do stand with Lucifier: Non
Serviam) and general aprincipalist. Christopher Hitchens speaks of himself as having lived, at
times, the Janus life of two faces, as I reflect to count mine, I see none in the mirror (an ideological
vampire?).
I could, as is the wont of the continental left, couch my own situation in terms of pageant-
profundity, say all the right cliches ('the hollowing out of politics', 'the social malaise', 'the death of'
this or that) but that would only serve to alleviate myself of responsibility and humility, of which im
often short. The personal aspect of this predicament is what concerns me the most, not least because
im prone to self-pitying narcissism (the most sophisticated kind). Society will be analysed after the
fact in self-proving theoretical constructs which invariably start with the principles of their
conclusions. The personal is the only means of motivating oneself and others.
The problem is i'm not disaffected, or affected in any manner. I've left the implicit hegemony, what
ever it may be at the moment, subsune my identity; indeed, I am generally not inclined to recognise
an identity for myself, and have deeep suspicions about the concept, no doubt stemming from my
own ignroance.
As an adult tabala rasa, I wonder if im free to fill in my own slate. Pick and choose what I can find
morally outrageous and generally commit to that. I dislike lasting judgement however – I am very
judgemental in the moment as I put on the mantle of socialism, or capitalism or religion or anti-
theism or whatever attire necessary for my party-trick personality. In any case, that's what im after,
the lifeblood of concern.
I have a few concerns at the moment which are, I believe, my own – thuogh it is difficult to keep
track of which opinions are which. I believe the world view that is being diguised as scientific is
profoudnly misguided and I've a growing scepticism of the meanign of science, its proper relation
to me and others. Though I am studying physics and prone to hating what I Have to do, thus will
these opinions be shed after graduation? Perhaps that's all im good for: spouting on in-the-moment
topics, a largely hollow but opinionated sophist with no ability to believe anythign for any length of
time. As XXX said, Life is lived forwards and reviewed in reverse. Thus perhaps I will write on
anything and everything and collect at some point my output and construct a world view out of it.
Shoot the bullets at the wall then draw a target around them, that's what we all do anyway, isnt it?