10 tips for mindful listening

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listen, listen…

Merlijn Hoek flickr

Vince Alongi flickr

you may think you’re
listening

but are you
seeing?

A master martial artist asked Bruce to teach
him everything Bruce knew about martial
arts

Bruce held up two cups, both filled with
liquid
by :: Robee ::, flickr

The first cup
represents all of your
knowledge about
martial arts.

The second cup
represents all of my
knowledge about
martial arts.

If you want to fill your cup with my
knowledge, you must first empty your
cup of your knowledge.
Bruce Lee

imagine
you’re sitting on a plane, hoping you don’t get an annoying
seatmate who wants to talk

suddenly, a big guy who
looks eager for
conversation sits down
next to you…

moriza. flickr

how do you
see this
person?

large plastic bag
grand canyon mute
Aleutian pretzel man

flip
your
focus

by ecstaticist

How does this person
see themselves and their
situation?

This wasn’t
Large Plastic Bag
Grand Canyon Mute
Aleutian Pretzel Man
this was a real person with a
name and a history and ...

imagine
you’re thinking about (or trying not to think about) the
challenge of poverty in Africa

how do you
see these
people?

flip
your
focus

How do these people
see themselves and
their situation?

I have the power to change my world and
make a better life for my family.

imagine
you’re an eager employee preparing to pitch a new initiative
to your Chief Financial Officer (CFO) who has a reput...

how do you
see this
person?

flip
your
focus

How does this person
see themselves and
their situation?

I’ve got a thankless role with the diciest
risk/reward ratio of any job short of a
Navy Seal.

...

How do I see this How does this person
person? see themselves and
their situation?

how does flipping your focus
change you and your
approach?

filters take us from all sound
to what we pay attention to

distorting
what we hear
and
...

culture
language
labels
values
inner dialog
status
experiences
preconceptions
preoccupations
ass...

empty your
cup

Listening is not an automatic
conscious
pilot. It is a

decision… STOP
EVERYTHING YOU’RE
THINKING and listen.
Suspe...

Listening is magic: it turns a person
from an object outside, opaque, or
dimly threatening, into an intimate
experience, a...

The point is to understand people
deeply – so deeply you could live their
life, walk in their shoes, and make
decisions th...

what’s your listening position?

Listening positions
Break into pairs
A share why you came “I came to this event because…”
B listen from different posi...

everyone has a
story

I wonder why they’re
doing that? Saying
that?

be deeply curious

Gee, that’s a dumb
way of doing it!

listen to what you’re thinking

even if they aren’t knowledgeable wonder you’re
I about what what's for
...

That makes no
sense… it takes
forever that way.

suspend judgment

This is pointless. I’m
going to cut it short.

be patient

I already know that,
let’s skip over it...

adopt a beginner’s mind

My idea is really
cool. They just don’t
get it.

letting go

They’re awfully
defensive. I’m not
going to learn
anything...

be kind

seek the unknown unknowns

abandon your script

to find the story

dig
beneath
opinion
conjecture
preference

surfacing
the insights
hidden
within their
stories

Stories are the large and small instruments of
meaning, of explanation, that we store in our
memories.
Joe Lambert

Stories carry emotional information, hopes,
desires, intentions, and pieces of relevant
information.
Seth Kahan

10 tips for mindful
listening

yes, that’s the sound of silence (your most
powerful listening tool!)

use body language to show interest with
2 nonverbal cues

smiling
nodding
making eye contact
tilting your head
leaning forward
opening and relaxing your
body posture
relaxing your ...

avoid
frowning
not moving your head
looking away
looking down
glaring
slumping
being stiff
fidgeting
sighing
yawning
...

use verbal cues to encourage and show
3 interest

it’s a matter of
uh huh
priority priority?

encourage notice k...

Could you say a bit
Interesting I see
more about…

...

avoiding yes | no prompts

They probably don’t
want hea...

yes | no prompts close down conversation, keeping
control with the questioner

Would…?
...

use open prompts instead

Well, the last
Wha...

open prompts draw people out

When…?
What…?

...

dig deep with WHY
4

Because I’m loud. When I wasn’t a supporter I was loud about it…
probably fought it the first 6 mont...

See how many attachments
there are in my Inbox? Lots
from HR...

but be careful with why prompts because they kick
the rational brain into gear
hmmm, why do I do...

follow the story!
5
listen for abstractions or generalizations and
prompt for concrete experience

When was the Well, yesterday
Normally I last time you <name> called ...

try to imagine the entire scene

… who was involved?
next?

who, what, when, why, how…

… how did it end?
what did you do?

extend the story by exploring themes

were there other Tell me about them.
times…? ...

working down the abstraction
ladder

LH Walker

offer an hypothesis and let them fix your
6 understanding

Sounds like you’re saying
that you waste a lot of time So you
chasing down ans...

paraphrase to show understanding, clarify
7 misperceptions, and build relationships

Sounds like you’re
1, 2, 3… saying…

listen mentally summarize restate (your words)

be brief, don’t parrot back, convey no judgment, use
YOU

What I'm hearing...

listen for outliers to understand workarounds
8 and probe for opportunities

That’s a really odd. Looks like when you
No one else would need to [x], you do [y]
ever do that. Let’s ...

listen for and reflect back their words
9

I keep everything
…it’s client What do you mean,
together in client
server…...

use empathic listening when they share
10 feelings or show emotion

content content

feeling feeling

anger fear contempt

surprise happiness sadness

watch for tells in expressions, body language, or tone

frustrated elated angry exhausted awed timid disappointed
honored stressed excited joyous confident nervous depressed fear...

tune into their feelings to increase their comfort and
encourage them to continue

Every day I have ...

The way it was
implemented led to You’re feeling frustrated because
compartmentalizatio...

Being heard is so
close to being
loved
that for the
average person
they are
almost
indistinguishable.
David Augsberger

...

test your
listening

Can you tell the story from their
perspective?

Did what you hear challenge your
assumptions? Change your worldview in
any way?

always be listening
every question is a drop of clarity in a sea
of change

S...

practice, practice, practice

build a library of great questions, question
beginnings or prompts

be a
story collector

stories reveal what people care about most

stories reveal how people perceive the world

stories point the way to insights

Maybe stories are just data with a soul.
Brené Brown

learn to listen so you can
see

Open your eyes and focus on whatever you observed before – that
plant or leaf or dandelion. Look it in the eye, until you ...

keep in touch
@joyce_hostyn
jhostyn@opentext.com (email)
www.joycehostyn.com/blog (blog)
knowledge.opentext.com/go/adoptio...

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