This document provides information on becoming a conflict capable leader. It discusses:
- The objectives of the session which are to help participants better manage conflict, recognize different conflict styles, assess conflict situations, and learn collaborative conflict resolution methods.
- Key themes around conflict including that it is inevitable, people can change their response style, and the goal is to reduce harmful effects and maximize useful ones.
- Different conflict response categories including perspective taking, expressing emotions, avoiding, yielding, and more. It identifies constructive and destructive responses.
- The Thomas-Kilmann conflict mode instrument which assesses a participant's preferred conflict handling style.
- Getting to yes, a principled approach to conflict resolution which
2. Adapted from:
Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode
Instrument
Conflict Dynamics Profile, Eckerd
College Leadership Development
Institute
Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher &
William Ury
3. Think about a recent conflict you’ve had
with someone else and then describe it in one
or two words
4. Where are you?
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT COMPETENCY SCALE
Novice ExpertExpert
I could manage the conflict in my life better if…..?
5. Session Objectives
Help you become more aware of your own conflict style
and behaviors
Help you recognize conflict styles and behaviors of
others
Help you better assess conflict situations
Teach you practical strategies for negotiating
differences and resolving conflicts
Allow you to observe and practice collaborative conflict
resolution methods
6. Session Themes
Conflict is inevitable and should not be avoided
People can change the way they respond to conflict
Ineffective and harmful responses can be avoided
Effective and beneficial responses to conflict can be
learned
The goal of successful conflict management is not its
elimination, but to reduce its harmful effects and
maximize its useful ones
7. Broadly speaking, conflict is …
Any situation
in which people have incompatible
interests, goals, principles, or feelings
9. “Conflict lies not in objective reality, but in people’s
heads. Truth is simply one more argument-
perhaps a good one, perhaps not-for dealing with
the difference”
Fisher & Ury
15. The Retaliatory Cycle
“how we make war”
Repetition
Perception of
threat
Anger (emotion)
Acting
(destructive
response)
Trigger
16. Typical Outcomes of Destructive Responses
Feelings of anger and frustration
Judgmental actions
Getting even and keeping score
Other party does not have needs met
Closed channels of communication
Refusing to deal with issues
Decreased self-confidence
Tasks not completed
Team performance decreases
17. The Conciliatory Cycle
“how we make peace”
Person A
Inhibitory Reflex
Trigger
Person B Person A
Conciliatory Conciliatory
Gesture Gesture
Person B
Inhibitory Reflex
18. Typical Outcomes of Constructive Responses
Win-win solutions
Open & honest communication of feelings
Both parties’ needs are met
Non-judgmental actions
Not sticking adamantly to one position
Actively resolving conflict (not allowing conflict
to continue)
Thoughtful responses (not impulsive)
Team performance improves
19. Conciliatory Gestures Examples
Apologizing “I’m sorry that my comments in the staff
meeting embarrassed you. It was
thoughtless of me.”
Owning responsibility “I see now that I have contributed to this
problem. I didn’t see that before.”
Conceding “I’m willing to meet with you, if you are
willing to do it at a time that is
convenient for me.”
Self-disclosing “I’ve been worried about what you might
do to get back at me, and so I’ve been
avoiding you.”
Expressing positive
feelings for the Other
“You are a competent and skilled
professional.”
Initiating both-gain “How do you suggest we solve this?”
20. HARD SOFT
Getting what you want
Adversaries
The goal is victory
Demand concessions
Hard on people and
problem
Distrust others
Dig in
Make threats
Insist on your position
Getting along with others
Friends
The goal is agreement
Make concessions
Soft on people and problem
Trust others
Change your position easily
Make offers
Insist on agreement
Which approach best describes you?
21. SOFT HARD PRINCIPLED
Friends Adversaries Problem-solvers
The goal is agreement The goal is victory A wise agreement reached
amicably and efficiently
Make concessions Demand concessions Separate the people from
the problem
Soft on the people and the
problem
Hard on the people and the
problem
Soft on the people, hard on
the problem
Trust others Distrust others Proceed independent of
trust
Change your position easily Dig in Focus on interests, not
positions
Make offers Make threats Explore interests
Search for a solution they
will accept
Insist on your solution Develop multiple options to
choose from
Insist on agreement Insist on your position Insist on using objective
criteria
35. Competing Skills
• The Ability to Argue and Debate
• The Ability to Use Rank or Influence
• Asserting Your Opinions and Feelings
• Standing Your Ground
• Stating Your Position Clearly
36. Overuse of Competing
• Lack of Feedback
• Reduced Learning
• Low Empowerment
• Surrounded by “Yes” People
37. Underuse of Competing
• Restricted Influence
• Indecision
• Slow to Act
• Contributions Withheld
47. Getting to Yes – The Principled Approach
People
Interests
Options Criteria
48. 1. Separate the PeoplePeople from the Problem
Perceptions
Emotions
Communication
People
Issues
Substance
49. •Separate the substantive issues from the psychological issues
•Deal directly with the people problem
•Recognize and understand emotions, theirs and yours
•Acknowledge emotions as legitimate
•Discuss your perceptions with the other side
•Don’t assess blame
•Allow the other side to let off steam
•Don’t react to emotional outbursts
•Listen actively and acknowledge what is being said
•Speak to be understood
•Agree to put emotions aside
1. Separate the PeoplePeople from the Problem
50. • Interests define the problem, positions don’t
• Compromising between positions will not always lead to a wise
and efficient agreement
• Look beyond opposing positions for shared and compatible
interests
• There are usually multiple ways to satisfy an interest whereas
positions can only be satisfied by one solution
• Ask why
• Ask why not
2. Focus on InterestsInterests, Not Positions
51. Shared interests often lie latent in every conflict
Look beyond a single answer for shared interests
Consider multiple solutions that satisfy interests of both
sides
Separate the act of inventing options from the act of judging
them invent first, decide later
Look to advance your interests by finding ways to
accommodate theirs
3. Invent OptionsOptions for Mutual Gain
52. A wise agreement should reflect a fair standard
independent of the will of each side.
Fair standards for the substantive question and fair
procedures for resolving conflicting interests
Ask a neutral third party to judge or mediate
4. Insist on Using Objective CriteriaCriteria
Matt
Welcome to Collaborative Conflict Resolution
At the heart of today’s session are two basic questions:
What is the best way for people to deal with their differences?
How do you resolve conflict and achieve a wise outcome without damaging the relationship or without conceding your interests?
Exercise
Matt
Where do you see yourself on the conflict competency scale and what would it take to move you closer to a “high” competency level?
What do you hope to get out of today’s session?
Mark
Review of objectives
What useful benefits come from conflict?
Mark
Conflict is a Dynamic, Unfolding Process
The presence of a precipitating event sets into motion the dynamics of conflict, an active process capable of movement and change. Where it leads is dependent upon the participants.
How we respond during the unfolding process when faced with someone who has different or opposing interest, goals, principles or feelings can lead to different outcomes, some harmful and some beneficial,
Matt
Conflict can occur and different levels within the workplace, both interpersonally or organizationally.
Matt
People don’t see the world as it is, they see it through their own lenses and filters.
Differences are defined by the difference between your thinking and theirs. When two people differ, the difference itself exists because it exists in their thinking.
Understanding the other side’s thinking is not simply a useful activity that will help you solve your problem-their thinking is the problem.
What useful benefits come from conflict?
Matt
A wise agreement can be defined as one that:
meets the legitimate interests of both sides to the extent possible;
resolves conflicting interests fairly;
is durable;
takes community interests into account.
It does you little good if you prevail in conflict by imposing your will on the other side or by conceding your interests to maintain a good relationship.
Matt
Conflict resolution takes place at two levels. At one level it addresses the substance of the conflict and at another level it focuses – usually implicitly – on the procedure for dealing with the substance.
Why is the process important? The Relationship
Constructive responses are those which keep conflict focused on the exchange of ideas.
Task completion
Exchange of ideas
Expression of positive emotion
Destructive responses are those that escalate and move conflict in a harmful direction - highly damaging
Displaying anger or negative emotions
Demeaning others
Retaliating
Trying to win at all costs
Avoiding
Matt
People don’t see the world as it is, they see it through their own lenses and filters.
Differences are defined by the difference between your thinking and theirs. When two people differ, the difference itself exists because it exists in their thinking.
Understanding the other side’s thinking is not simply a useful activity that will help you solve your problem-their thinking is the problem.
Matt
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Matt
Separate people from the problem – or the relationship from the substance
what does this mean?
Discussion
People problems often become entangled in the objective merits of the problems. Deal with each separately.
People problems tend to fall into 3 categories: perception, emotion, and communication.
Your perception isn’t the other person’s reality
Speak about you – not the other person’s intentions
When people feel their interests are threatened they get emotional
People don’t listen or communicate effectively when emotions run high
Recognize the people problems, theirs and yours, and deal with them separately
Separate people from the problem – what does this mean?
Discussion
People problems often become entangled in the objective merits of the problems. Deal with each separately.
People problems tend to fall into 3 categories: perception, emotion, and communication.
Matt
Positions often obscure what your underlying interests are
Don’t respond to a position with a position.
Matt
Matt
However well you understand the interests of the other side, however ingeniously you invent ways of reconciling interests, however highly you value an ongoing relationships, you will always face the harsh reality of interests that conflict. No talk of win-win strategy can conceal this fact.