Notes from training on negotiation skills.

1. Negotiation – Vero 2013
© Joel Young (2012) www.newinsight.co.nz
With acknowledgements to M. Rosenburg’s&D.Riddell for inspiration.
To sustainably achieve goals as a team we must stay on
the same page and avoid pretend agreements that result
in resentment. This workshop teaches the skills of
assertiveness and negotiation as well as theory on
perceived power. This facilitates ownership, and
mutuality, and avoids resentment.
Agenda:
Personal Power and Perceived Power
o Power is as power is perceived
o Why do I say yes/no?
Ownership
o Pretend agreements
o Resentment Check
What is Yes and No
o What’s the ‘need’ behind the ‘no’?
o If I say yes do I mean it?
A good negotiator aims for mutual need
meeting(bi-winning) not just ‘winning’!
Negotiation Awareness
Write down some thoughts, feelings, and needs that activate
when you think of negotiation.
I think_____________________________________________
I feel______________________________________________
I need_____________________________________________
Our memories, associations, echos, welds and beliefs all come
together to determine how well we assert ourselves. If we
don’t dismantle our defaults we are destined to disaster, that
is, unless we had a perfect upbringing!.
Q. What did my parents (or caregiver) teach me about
negotiation?
Mum ______________________________________________
Dad _______________________________________________
Who held the power!?_______________________________
Why? _____________________________________________
Notes:

2. Negotiation – Vero 2013
© Joel Young (2012) www.newinsight.co.nz
With acknowledgements to M. Rosenburg’s&D.Riddell for inspiration.
Step 1 = Awareness of self and other
Put my judgments/strategy aside.
What are my needs and feelings?
What are their needs and feelings?
Step 2 = Expressing my need and Empathising with theirs
When I notice:
I feel:
I have a need for:
Step 3 = Brainstorm (traditional negotiations)
I would like…
Would you consider…
Spinning Spanner of Death – (being addicted to our strategy)
Psychodynamics kick in on difficult conversations with difficult
people (that includes us sometimes).
e.g. Deep Hurts, Family Mottos, Outdated Beliefs.
Q. What are my vulnerabilities? ___________________
Q. What is my default spanner? ___________________
Boundaries
Negotiation has to take place inside healthy boundaries.
Fundamentals like;
My feelings are my feelings.
My needs are my needs.
My actions are my actions.
Boundaries tell us what is ours and what isn’t.
Q.Are you aware of your own boundaries?
Without boundaries we take responsibility for what isn’t
ours.Assertiveness is about protecting our boundaries or
negotiating boundary lines. Without assertiveness people
don’t know what our boundaries are.
“…their response is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY”.
Overstep and Pushback exercise.
Asserting my boundary felt ____________________.
Being pushed back on felt ______________________.
Without true negotiation we don’t agree on where the
boundaries are. This is called a pretend agreement.
Notes:
“What bruises do I have that
influence my negotiations?”

3. Negotiation – Vero 2013
© Joel Young (2012) www.newinsight.co.nz
With acknowledgements to M. Rosenburg’s&D.Riddell for inspiration.
Pretend Agreements
I am in pretend agreement with ____________________.
Because I feel ________________ .
I find it difficult to be honest with them because ___________
__________________________________________________.
Pretend agreements breed resentment which results in
distanced relationships.Taking time to think things over is
different. Pretending you are thinking things over is also a
pretend agreement.
Keys to negotiating more win/wins in my life:
Change in thinking:
*___________________________________________
*___________________________________________
*___________________________________________
Change in action/technique:
*___________________________________________
*___________________________________________
*___________________________________________
*___________________________________________
Recommended Recourses
www.newinsight.co.nz
Strength Finders with Anna Sanford
Counselling/Coaching with Joel/other
Relate – Christopher Defibaugh
School of Living Wisdom
Boundaries Face to Face – Town and Cloudsend
______________________________
Notes:Notes:Notes:Notes:Notes:Notes:
“My responsibility is to speak the truth in
love and their response is their
responsibility.”

4. Negotiation – Vero 2013
© Joel Young (2012) www.newinsight.co.nz
With acknowledgements to M. Rosenburg’s&D.Riddell for inspiration.
Common Feelings
curious
furious
calm
uncomfortable
stressed
depressed
overwhelmed
tender
afraid
reluctant
impatient
hurt
unhappy
ashamed
disappointment
sad
puzzled
troubled
shocked
tired
anxious
irritated
vulnerable
surprised
bored
embarrassed
concerned
angry
annoyed
sceptical
torn
worried
confused
frustrated
upset
envious
nervous
discouraged
suspicious
scared
grumpy
thrilled
comfortable
inspired
relieved
happy
content
thankful
optimistic
delighted
excited
grateful
hopeful
intrigued
Common Needs
CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be
known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth
HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence
PLAY
joy
humour
PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order
PHYSICAL WELLBEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water
MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding
AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity

5. Negotiation– Vero 2013
© Joel Young (2013) www.newinsight.co.nz