1. Lenny: Hey, Moe...you got change for a five?
Moe: Yeah, sure thing Lenny.
[opens cash register]
[a cobra pops out and bites him repeatedly]
A snake in the cash register! [everyone laughs]
Great prank, fellas, great prank. Oh, I'm gonna be sick
tonight.
Barney: Hey Moe, you want to smell my flower?
Moe: _Do_ I?! [walks over]
[Barney holds a lighter under Moe's chest]
Ooh! I'm burning up here. Ooh! [everyone laughs]
Aw, taking advantage of my alcohol-soaked clothes. Ho, ho, it's
funny _and_ it makes you think. Oh, I need some coffee before I
pass out. Homer, pass me the sugar.
Homer: [unscrewing lid] This is going to be great!
[Moe pours sugar in his cup; a whole lot comes out]
Barney: Oh, jeez.
Moe: Aw, there's sugar all over the bar now.
Lenny: That's not funny, Homer.
Barney: Yeah! We were just messing around, and you had to go too far.
-- The subtleties of pranks, "Fear of Flying"
Moe: How many people want Homer banned from this place for life?
Everyone: Yeah!
Homer: Aw, come on, everybody. This bar is like a tavern to me.
Moe: Sorry, Homer, you should have thought of that before you gave
me the old sugar-me-do. I'm taking your caricature down from
Mount Lushmore [does so] and I'm taking your favorite song out
of the juke box.
Homer: [gasps] "It's Raining Men"?
Moe: Yeah, not no more it ain't.
[tosses it out like a frisbee]
[it hits Smithers, who's driving a car]
Smithers: Ow! [checks title] Ooh!
[Homer gets tossed out]
Homer: Oh. Heh heh heh, joke's on them: I'm still alive.
-- Homer "Eddie Vedder" Simpson, "Fear of Flying"
Bart tries to console his father.
Bart: Cheer up, Homer.
Homer: Can't.
Bart: [happily] OK.
Marge: What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could
spend more nights at home with us. Huh?
Homer: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.
Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use
the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Cris-atunity.
-- Something like that, anyway, "Fear of Flying"
Homer: You're right. I've been wasting my life away in that dump for
years. That's it! I'm going to find a _new_ bar to drink in,
and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire
life! Bart! Where's my wallet?
Bart: [pulling it from his own pocket] Right here, Dad!
Homer: Thank you!
-- Homer gives up Moe's Tavern, "Fear of Flying"
The first place Homer goes looks high-priced.
Homer: Wow, classy.
Maitre D': Good evening, sir. Would you please leave without a fuss
right now?
Homer: [meek] OK.
-- Homer's search for a new bar begins, "Fear of Flying"
As Homer walks to the next bar, a snatch of Cheers-esque music plays.
Homer: Ooh, this looks like a nice friendly place.
Carla: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same
night you're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowing.
Sam: OK, Carla, I'll make you a bet: if this affects my major league
comeback, I'll sell my bar.
Norm: Woody...gimme a beer.
Woody: I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I
can't carry you home any more.

2. Norm: Just gimme another beer, you brain-dead hick! [grabs wine
bottle, smashes it, holds it by the neck]
I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!
Cliff: [restraining him] Whoa, settle down, Normy. Gotta save those
pipes for Karaoke.
Homer: [gasps] Whoa! [runs out]
Norm: I love you guys...[weeps]
-- You wanna go where everybody knows their character, "Fear of Flying"
The next bar Homer tries has two female zodiacal symbols interlocking on
the sign above the door.
Homer: Wait a minute...there's something bothering me about this place.
[looks around] I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire
exit. Enjoy your death trap, ladies. [leaves]
Woman: What was her problem?
-- Homer at the "She-She Club", "Fear of Flying"
Back at Moe's Tavern, a man in a top hat with a mustache walks in. He
looks and sounds like Homer, only he has a British accent.
Guy: Greetings, good men. Might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh, get out of here, Homer.
Guy: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito.
[he gets beaten up and tossed out, unconscious]
Homer: [walks up, looks at Guy] [gasps] Oh my God! This man is my exact double. [gasps]
Oh my God! That dog has a puffy tail!
[he chases it, giggling] Here, Puff! Here, Puff!
-- A great moment passes Homer by, "Fear of Flying"
Homer's quest takes him to the airport.
Homer: The last bar in Springfield...if they don't let me in
here, I'm going to have to quit drinking!
Homer's liver: Yay!
Homer: Shut up, liver! [punches it] Ow! My liver hurts...
[walks in] I'd like a beer, please.
Bartender: Uh, sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink in here.
Homer: Um, but I _am_ a pilot.
Bartender: Where's your uniform?
Homer: Um...I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment.
Bartender: Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loaner. [gives him a
uniform]
-- Homer in "The Little Black Box", "Fear of Flying"
A man bursts in, breathless.
Man: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?
[pilots all go, "Oh, I'll go!", "Me", "I'm your man", etc.]
Man: Conditions are a little windy.
[pilots all go, "Well", "I dunno", "Never mind", etc.]
Man: [to Homer] You!
Homer: [now dressed as a pilot] But I --
Man: Hey...you're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink
here, are you?
Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.
Man: [laughs] You fly boys, you crack me up.
Homer: [being pushed into the cockpit] But I keep telling you I'm not a
pilot!
Man: And I keep telling you you fly boys crack me up!
-- "Fear of Flying"
Alan: Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot.
Homer: Uh, yeah, uh, hmm. Er, uh, as a change of pace, I'm going to let you do most
of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan.
[Alan makes a face]
And, um, I'll just get us started.
[flips a switch randomly]
Alan: Uh, we'll need that to live.
[Homer flips another switch; the wheels retract and the plane
smashes into the runway]
-- Homer, involuntary pilot, "Fear of Flying"

3. Group Lisa
A senior airline official talks to Homer in his office.
Official: If word gets out about this, Krazy Klown Airlines will be a
laughingstock. In exchange for your silence, I'm prepared to offer your
family free tickets to anywhere in the United
States. Excluding Alaska and Hawaii, the freak states.
Homer: Woo hoo!
[at home]
Good news, everybody! Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want!
Bart: Alaska!
Lisa: Hawaii!
-- Well, _almost_ anywhere, "Fear of Flying"
Marge seems less than keen.
Marge: Er, I don't know, Homer. We're right in the middle of the busy
housekeeping season.
Homer: But Marge, you deserve a vacation. It's a chance for you to
clean up after us in a whole other state!
Marge: I don't want to be a wet blanket, but getting on a plane like
that seems like a hassle coupled with a burden.
Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse
town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a
different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating
hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long
hero...I want to _live_, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't
you please?!
-- Passionate pleas, "Fear of Flying"
So Marge, of course, gives in. Homer chomps peanuts contentedly.
Homer: So, Marge, pretty sweet, eh?
Marge: Hmm. Oh, I forgot to clean the lint basket in the dryer. If
someone broke into the house and did laundry, it could start a
fire.
[a baby starts crying]
Bart: Oh, great. I specifically asked not to be seated next to a baby.
[camera pulls back to reveal Maggie crying]
Abe: [looking out window] Wow...we must be _really_ flying high!
Those people down there look all tiny and blurry...just like the inside of a
cataract.
-- Conversation while the plane is on the ground, "Fear of Flying"
Stewardess: [over PA] Attention passengers. Due to our policy of
overselling flights, this flight has been oversold. In
accordance with FAA rules, the first two people to the front will be
upgraded to first class.
[everyone rushes madly; Bart and Lisa climb over everyone]
Stewardess: OK, you two!
Lisa: Come on, Bart! They're going to pamper us!
Bart: [gasps]
Lisa: Not _literally_, of course.
[in first class, someone fills Bart's martini glass with
milk]
Bart: I come for the service, [sigh] but I stay for the leg room.
[Lisa roasts marshmallows over a mini-fire on her tray]
-- "Fear of Flying"
The pilot announces, "Flight crew, prepare for takeoff." Marge starts
hyperventilating and shredding a napkin. When the seatbelt sign comes
on, she panics.
Marge: [panicked] I think I'll go get a picture of the plane taking off.
[struggles with her seat belt]
Homer: Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Is it
gas? It's gas, isn't it?
Marge: Homer, I've never told you this before, but I'm not a good flyer.
[pants, gasps] I have to get off the plane. Let me off the
plane. [stands up] I'm asking you nicely to open the doors!

4. Homer: Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good?
Marge: [screaming] Let me off let me off let me off let me off let me
off let me off -- [runs up and down the aisle]
[the plane takes off as the family watches]
Homer: It's OK, Marge. We don't need to go on a trip; we'll just wait
for the killer bees to come to us.
-- Homer, consoling, "Fear of Flying"
[End of Act One. Time: 8:33]
The family unpack their suitcases at home.
Bart: You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something...
Abe: [still on the plane] Aaaaah!
Homer: Ehh, I'm sure it's nothing.
Lisa: Mom, are you feeling any better?
Marge: Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.
Homer: Permit _me_ to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of
flying.
Bart: So much for the days when I could say, "At least my _mother_'s
normal."
Marge: Well, everybody's got a fear of something.
Homer: Not everybody.
Marge: [to Homer] Sock puppets!
Homer: Where?! Where?! Aah! Aah!
Lisa: Mom, are you _sure_ you don't want to discuss it?
Marge: Sure as sugar...[laughs awkwardly]
-- No dysfunctionality here, "Fear of Flying"
Homer: Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what
happened. Push it deep down inside her, so she'll never annoy us again.
Lisa: But if we don't encourage her to vent her feelings, they can come out in other
ways.
Marge: I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog...
they've been living in sin!
[the pets whimper]
-- Not with each other, but..., "Fear of Flying"
The kitchen table is covered with lavishly prepared food. Marge stands
in front of the stove, three boiling pots on the go. The rest of the
family walks to the kitchen door.
Lisa: Mom, you've been cooking all night?
Marge: [happy] Judge, jury, and executioner, all rolled into one, you
are!
Lisa: See, Dad, I told you Mom would have problems.
Marge: No, no, honey, it's all right. Really, I'm fine, I'm all right.
Mother always said, "Don't complain. Be good. Behave. Behave.
Be nice. Smile. Be polite. Don't wink..." [walks out]
Homer: You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine, so behave.
-- Homer, attuned to Marge's needs, "Fear of Flying"
That night, in bed, Homer is awakened by hammering. He rolls over, sees
Marge isn't there, goes to the window, and opens it.
Homer: Marge, it's 3 a.m.! Shouldn't you be baking?
Marge: In a little while.
-- Marge hammers shingles at night, "Fear of Flying"

5. Group Marge
The next day, as Marge sits on the couch, the family approaches her.
Lisa: Mom, can we talk to you?
Marge: Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness.
Lisa: Uh, neat.
-- "Fear of Flying"
Lisa: Anyway, Mom, maybe you should go into therapy.
Marge: No, I don't need therapy, I'm fine. And it's too expensive.
Homer: And I don't believe in it! It breaks up families, turns wives
against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against
me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist ten bucks an
hour to get top-notch therapy.
[at KBBL]
Psychic: Hello, "Radio Psychic". You will die a terrible, terrible
death.
Marge: [on the phone] [gasps]
Psychic: Ooh, I'm sorry! That was our last caller. OK, I'm getting
something now. Hmm. OK, you will die a terrible, terrible
death.
Marge: But I --
DJ: Thank you for calling "Radio Psychic". Do you have a song
request?
Homer: [running to the phone] "It's Raining Men"!
-- Homer "Waylon" Simpson, "Fear of Flying"
At the VHS Village, Homer chooses some videos to help Marge out.
Homer: Now Marge, "Dear Abby" says seeing films about air travel can
calm your fears. Ooh! Here are some upbeat titles: "Hero",
"Fearless"..."Alive!"
[at home, Marge watches them]
Man 1: No thanks to the plane, many of us are still...
Everyone: Alive!
Man 2: [through full mouth] We certainly are. [chews]
Man 3: Pass me another hunk of copilot.
Lisa: Dad, Mom's getting worse. You have to take her to see a real
psychiatrist. Look how tense she is!
Homer: She's fine!
[camera shows Marge sitting on air]
Oh.
-- Rigid, not tense, "Fear of Flying"
The family take her to a psychiatrist the next day.
Homer: [sarcastic] All right, Lisa, you got your way. Your Mom's going
to a psychiatrist. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll
break up the family and you'll have to live with your grandmother
and pick beans.
Lisa: Dad, I like picking beans with Gramma.
Homer: Well, keep it up, then.
Lisa: [sarcastic] OK, I will.
Homer: Good. You do that.
Lisa: Fine.
Homer: You'll be picking many a bean.
Lisa: Hope I do.
-- Homer gives his kids sarcasm lessons, "Fear of Flying"
Bart espies Principal Skinner reading a "Principal's World" magazine.
Bart: I don't believe it! Principal Skinner. Well, well, well, I
never thought I'd win _this_ easy.
Skinner: Hmph. This has nothing to do with you, Simpson. I have many,
many issues with my beloved smother -- mother.
Homer: Bart, leave that man alone with his pain and sit down.
Bart: [abashed] OK.
[Homer laughs at Skinner, makes crazy noises at him]
-- Homer, sensitive to mental illness, "Fear of Flying"
Homer and Marge meet the psychiatrist.
Homer: All right, how much do you charge?
Zweig: If money's a problem, I charge on a sliding scale. I can go as
low as $30 an hour.
Homer: Keep sliding.
Marge: $30 will be fine.
Homer: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa! First, what are your qualifications?
Zweig: Well -- [she motions to a wall of diplomas]

6. Homer: Oh, no. I'm not here to take a reading test. I want to see some
credentials.
Marge: Mph, I'm sorry, Doctor, he's just afraid you'll blame all my
problems on him.
Zweig: I'm not here to blame anyone.
[she double-underlines "Husband" on a pad of paper]
-- The first meeting with Dr. Zweig, "Fear of Flying"
Zweig: Marge, therapy can be an intense process.
Marge: Uh huh...
Zweig: We're going to delve deeply into your subconscious and we're not
going to stop until we've exposed the root of your fear of
flying.
Marge: Mmm...
Zweig: Don't worry. This is a private sanctuary where whatever
transpires will be just between us.
[Homer, dressed as a window washer, appears at the window]
Marge: Huh?
Zweig: Oh, that's just Murray the window washer. He comes every day at
12:00.
Marge: But it's a few seconds before 12:00.
[Murray drops down on Homer, knocking him off]
-- Marge's first session, "Fear of Flying"
[End of Act Two. Time: 13:30]
Marge comes out of a therapy session to be greeted by Homer.
Homer: Ever since you started therapy, all you can do is talk about
yourself. Well what about _me_, Marge?
Marge: I just left my first session and I haven't even opened my mouth
yet!
Homer: You see? You see? "_I_ just left _my_ first session and _I_
haven't opened _my_ mouth yet".
-- Homer traps Marge, "Fear of Flying"
At Marge's next session...
Zweig: Marge, there's no simple explanation for your fear of flying.
But it can probably be traced to some childhood trauma. Think
back...what's the earliest memory you have of something bad
happening?
Marge: Hmm...that would have to be my first day of school.
[flashback]
Patty: They got this thing called a "fire drill". They use it to drill
a flaming hole in your head.
Marge: Mmm...
Selma: And there's only one big toilet, and they make you all go at the
same time. [laughs]
-- The sensitive Bouvier twins, "Fear of Flying"
Marge: [voice over] The kids at school were even worse.
[young Marge gets on the bus, sits next to a girl]
Girl: [seeing her lunch pail] Ew! You like the Monkees? You _know_
they don't write their own songs.
Marge: They do so!
Girl: They don't even play their own instruments.
Marge: No...no!
Girl: That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.
Marge: Aah!
[back in the present]
Zweig: Kids can be so cruel.
Marge: But it's true. They didn't write their own songs _or_ play their
own instruments.
Zweig: The Monkees weren't about music, Marge. They were about
rebellion, about political and social upheaval!
[Marge smiles, relieved]
-- Dr. Zweig does her job, "Fear of Flying"

7. Group Bart
The family watches TV that night.
Homer: [sullen] Did you talk about me in therapy today?
Marge: I don't think so.
Homer: Tell me the truth! [gasps] Don't tell her I raised my voice.
[laughs nervously] Happy family, happy family...
-- "Fear of Flying"
In the next therapy session...
Marge: I keep having the same dream. I'm the mother from "Lost in
Space".
[scene shift to Marge's dream]
Marge: Ready for breakfast, Dr. Smith?
Homer: Oh, being stuck on this godforsaken planet has vanquished what
little appetite I have. [sits down, mows down]
Lisa: [as a robot] Warning. Warning. Dr. Smith refuses to do his
astrochores.
Homer: Why, you clattering clank of cogs and -- my fair lady, as you
well know, my back is a disaster area. Oh, the pain. Oh, the
pain of it all!
Lisa: Danger. Danger. My hook are flailing wildly.
[a rocket takes off]
Marge: Wait! Wait, Daddy, please don't leave. Take me with you!
[back to the office]
Zweig: Marge, are you aware you just said "Please don't leave" to your
daddy?
Marge: No I didn't.
Zweig: Yes you did. And you also infringed on any number of copyrights.
-- Dr. Zweig, psychiatric lawyer, "Fear of Flying"
Zweig: Now...let's talk about your father.
Marge: [hurried] Sure. OK, I'll talk about father...Father Christmas.
That's what they call Santa Claus in England. They drive on the
wrong side of the road there. Now _that's_ crazy. [laughs
nervously] People are always saying how small England is but you
couldn't fit it all in here, not by a long shot. [laughs again]
You know what? I'm cured. [gets up to leave]
Zweig: Marge, get back here and tell me about your father.
Marge: OK. OK, but you're going to make a big deal out of this. He was
a pilot.
Zweig: A pilot?! This _is_ a big deal.
Marge: You see?
-- Self-fulfilling prophecies., "Fear of Flying"
Dr. Zweig laughs nervously.
Zweig: Er, Marge, this may not be the best time to bring this up, but,
uh, your last check bounced.
Marge: Wait, I'm remembering something.
Zweig: Yes, Marge, there's still the matter of --
Marge: I was a little girl...
[flashback to Marge holding Daddy's hand]
Daddy: Goodbye, Margie. Be a good girl, now. [gets on plane]
Marge: Why does Daddy have to leave?
Mommy: Because he's a pilot. He flies all over the world.
Marge: I want to see Daddy fly. [runs up plane steps]
Mommy: Margie! No, come back!
[Marge gets inside, looks around]
Marge: Daddy? Daddy, where are --
Daddy: [a steward] So, who wants pre-flight cookie? Fig Newtons?
Hydrox?
Marge: Daddy? Aah!
Daddy: Don't look at me. Don't look at me!
-- The shameful truth comes out, "Fear of Flying"
Back in the present...

8. Marge: [weeping] My father was a stewardess!
Zweig: Marge, there's nothing to be ashamed of here. Today, male flight
attendants or "stewards" are common.
Marge: They are?
Zweig: Yes, thanks to trailblazers like your father. You might say he
was a pioneer.
Marge: Yeah...you might even say he was an American hero.
Zweig: Let's not go nuts.
-- Too late, "Fear of Flying"
Dr. Zweig concludes, "The important thing is that we've pinpointed the
precise moment when you developed your fear of flying." But Marge
starts remembering some other stuff. As a baby, she remembers her
grandmother trying to feed her with a spoon, saying "Here comes the
airplane" but taking a long time to put the spoon in baby's mouth. As a
young girl, a toy plane she was riding in caught fire. Her mother takes
her to a cornfield once, when a biplane swoops down and fires its
machine guns at her.
Marge: Do you think those things could also have contributed to my fear
of flying?
Zweig: [brusque] Yes, yes, it's all a rich tapestry.
Marge: Oh, well, thank you doctor. You've changed my life!
Zweig: You know, Marge, we've really just begun to scratch the surface.
There's still the far more serious problem of your husband.
Homer: [walking in] That's OK, you don't have to make her into some kind
of superwoman. She can get on a plane, that's plenty. [rushes
Marge out]
Marge: Thank you, doctor. Whenever the wind whistles through the
leaves, I'll think "Lowenstein", "Lowenstein".
Zweig: My name is Zweig.
Marge: [whispering] Lowenstein...
-- Marge the old honeydripper, "Fear of Flying"
The family finally get on a plane together.
Homer: Don't worry about a thing, honey. I'm going to help you through
this.
[he and Marge sit down; some noises occur]
Those are all normal noises. Luggage compartment closing...cross
checking...just sit back and relax.
[shot from outside the plane]
That's just the engine powering up...that's just the engine
struggling...
[the plane drives off the runway into a swamp]
That's just a carp swimming around your ankles...
Marge: Mmm...
-- Not much help allaying those fears, "Fear of Flying"