Therapist http://mirahriben.blogspot.com

1. Dealing With Death
by Mirah Riben
The Greeks told the story of the
minotaur, the bull- headed flesh-
eating man who lived in the center
of the labyrinth. He was a threat-
ening beast, and yet his name was
Asterion -Star. J often think of
this paradox as J sit with someone
with tears in her eyes, searchingfor
some way to deal with a death, a di-
vorce, or a depression. It is a beast,
this thing that stirs in the core of
her being, but it is also the star of
her innermost nature. We have to
care for this suffering with extreme
reverence so that, in our fear and
anger at the beast, we do not over-
look the star...Life lived soulfully is
not without its moments of dark-
ness...the soul becomes greater and
deeper through the living out of the
messes and the gaps.
-Thomas Moore,
Care of the Soul
Those of us who have been
helping birthmothers search
since the late 1970's, remember
that for many years we never
even thought about the possi-
bility of any of our children be-
ing dead. We knew that
adoptees had to be prepared to
find a grave at the end of their
search, but not birthmothers.
That was then.
Sometimes I think it's be-
cause we have all aged. We were
young mothers when we started
out, our children at home just
babies and our surrendered kids
barely teens yet. What harm
could have come to such inno-
cents? Then two birthmothers
discovered that their babies died
in infancy. Nothing's ever been
the same since.
Now, we cannot in good
conscience not tell a perspective
searching Mom to expect any-
thing and everything... to be pre-
pared for the worst possible
outcome. Our members have
found kids who have been
abused; adoptive parents who
got restraining orders; troubled
kids who moved in with their
birthmothers. Kids have been
found in homes totally opposite
of what the agency had told the
birthmother in terms of ethnic-
ity, religion, education and so-
cioeconomic class. Irish babies
in Puerto Rican homes, interra-
cial children in lily white homes,
an orthodox Jewish child with
Catholic Germans. One child
was placed with fundamental re-
ligious parents and not allowed
to listen to music, another was
living in a car to escape his
drunken adoptive parents. We
have found children who were
virtually "thrown away" and left
at boarding schools or foster
homes. And these, though not
the "better life" we had been led
to believe, were the good ones.
The ones that were alive.
Finding a deceased child is
becoming more and more com-
mon place. Since the beginning
of 1995, we've heard of three or
four birth mothers who
searched and found that their
children had died before they
were found. They were barely
out of their teens...auto acci-
dents, suicides, murdered all be-
fore they were found. Those
whose children are alive live
with the fear that "but for the
grace of God..." It could be any
of our kids.

2. I cannot imagine what it
would be like to never see your
child. While I have the joy and
peace of having met my daugh-
ter before she chose to end her
precious life, I do, sadly, share
membership in the club of
mothers of deceased children. I
would like to share what's got-
ten me through, in the hope that
it might be of help to another
who mourns.
First and foremost...I get
by with a lot of help from my
friends! My triad friends. They
don't have to have experienced
a death to understand and to
allow you to just be able to talk
about it freely with no dimin-
ishing of your love for a child
you may never have "known" -
no matter how subtly- that we
hear from "others" who don't
know. My personal guardian
angel, a birthmother who lost
her surrendered son and an-
other son she's raised, initiated
me into the "club" which wants
no more members, but which
will welcome any who need us
with open arms and broad
shoulders.
Other help that I got to get
through my 27 year-old daugh-
ter taking her life within two
weeks of the death of my
mother was a very compassion-
ate and understanding therapist,
medication, and reading from
Kirshner's When Bad Things
Happen to Good People. Rabbi
Kirshner wrote this book in or-
der to help himself and others
deal with disastrous situations
regarding illness and loss of
loved ones, without losing faith
in God. His message was of
great help to me in a secular,
emotional way, as well. Today,
many schools of psychology are
recogmzmg that we cannot
treat the psyche separately from
the spirit and the soul.
Losing my mother and
daughter within such close
proximity of one another, I felt
a tremendous sense of having
lost both my past and my fu-
ture. I felt disconnected from
the human race. I also lost the
hope of my daughter "some
day" marrying, having children
of her own and perhaps wanting
the relationship with me I had
long hoped for. I lost the ability
to believe that placing her for
adoption had been "in her best
.
"mterest.
In many ways, the
living can cause us a
great deal more pain
and be more cruel than
the dead.
Like many of us, I had
worked very hard to rebuild my
life after having lost my first
daughter to adoption. Now I
had to mourn her loss yet again.
During the years of my mar-
riage I rebuilt my self-esteem
which had been sorely damaged
by the experience of surrender-
ing a child to adoption. Just
when I felt empowered enough
to leave an emotionally abusive
marriage, I lost custody of the
three children I had breastfed
and full-time mothered. As I
was trying to recuperate from
the loss of my marriage and cus-
tody of my children...came
these two deaths back to back.
I remembered feeling like
I did as a kid at Jones Beach.
Just as you'd pick yourself up
from one wave knocking you
6
down and wipe the salt water
out of your eyes...boom!...an-
other wave would come and
knock you down again! I asked
what had I done to deserve such
torture. I wondered what
karma I had brought with me
into this life which required me
to suffer so.
Now every time I feel these
depressed "why me" feelings I
recall Kirshner's book. God did
not take my daughter's life or
have my children not live with
me after my divorce to "pun-
ish"me or to teach me anything.
God gave us all free will and
there is chaos in the universe.
Things just happen. What God
gives us is the faith and the abil-
ity to cope with what hand we
draw in the game of life. I'm
very grateful for my spiritual
beliefs because they keep me
from beating myself up with
feelings of low self-worth.
I consciously reject any
thought that I - or any of us-
deserved what happened be-
cause we are "bad." Instead, I
consciously affirm that I am a
good person because I have
coped with greatc,~versity, not
given up, not become bitter, not
lost my faith, and try to help
others. I also find no solace in
dwelling on anger.
Am I angry? Yes, I've been
in touch with my anger, I'm not
suppressing it. I'm angry that I
was lied to as we all were when
we were told this would be
"best" for our kids and for us,
that we'd forget and get on with
our lives. I'm angry that my
daughter was put in a loyalty
tug-of-war by her adoptive par-
ents and not allowed to know all
the love that was here for her.
But dwelling on my anger will
not change anything. Channel-

3. ing my rightful indignation to
help change agency policies
might help someone else.
It also has never been
within my capacity to think of
suicide as a "sin." I have always
believed that anyone who re-
sorts to such a drastic end to
their depression, is no different
than one who succumbs to any
other terminal disease. I know
that my daughter is at peace and
I regretfully respect her deci-
sion. It also helps me to know
that some people, such as some
Asian Indians who believe in re-
incarnation, believe that suicide
is an acceptable and even honor-
able way of alleviating oneself of
bad karma from a past life and
moving to a new life through
re- birth.
July 15th was Alicia's 28th
birthday. For the first time in
many years I was free to visit her
on her birthday, knowing she
would be there when I got there,
and confident that she couldn't
refuse to let me speak to her! I
didn't have the worry of
whether to get her a gift or just
a card, and if a gift, what do you
get someone you don't really
know? Would she like it?
Would it fit? Was it overbear-
ing or too cheap? Would she
keep it or return it? With all due
respect for those who long to
have such "problems" I was glad
to be free of the many times I'd
agonized over these questions.
I also don't have to worry
any longer that she might some-
day marry and have children
that I would be kept from
knowing. In many ways, the
living can cause us a great deal
more pain and be more cruel
than the dead. I have not as yet
tried to contact her in the after-
life, but I am leaving that option
open.
No matter what we find at
the end of a search, it's never
going to replace our lost babies,
the years we lost raising them or
the guilt we feel for having
caused them the pain of feeling
abandoned. Even the best,
most seemingly "story book"
reunions, are racked with diffi-
culties. Some of us have to live
with what society told us was
"best" and others of us have to
live with the results. No birth-
mother will ever just go on and
forget as if nothing happened.
We'll never again be what we
were before. We'll be different,
we'll be a bit more cynical and
less believing of what's "best",
but we'll also, in the end, be
stronger! As Nietzsche says:
That which does not kill us
strengthens us.
Looking for answers
The following is a letter I
received from a birthmother
which exemplifies a very com-
mon concern I've heard ex-
pressed repeatedly since the day I
first learned of Alicia's death:
"J learned recently with shock and
sadness of your daughter's death.
Being a "long timer" in the move-
ment like yourself, J can fully ap-
preciate all that you have gone
through. I have my own distinct
fears of my son's demise and pray
that he can avoid a duplication of
his birthfather's suicide, but J am
powerless at this time to influence
that.
J wonder how you are managing to
get through this. You have a large
and caring supportive circle, as J
have here in B oston. We look for
answers where there seemingly are
none. I'm sure you have found
some, and that they are truly
needed.
7
J hope you will at some point be
able to write about your "answers"
as it would be so helpful to those of
us who wait and fear our children's
self-destruction which we are pow-
erless to influence for one reason or
another.
May God bless you in your resolve
to your daughter's death, and may
your answers somehow bring you
strength and some comfort. "
So many birthmothers ex-
pressed the feeling that "But for
the grace of God, there go 1." I
was not surprised at all when I
learned, because on some level
I, like most of us, lived with the
ever-present fear of the very real
possibility...not necessarily of a
suicide, but that she might die
without us ever having reached
any resolve.
Our fears are not un-
founded and to add to it is our
total powerlessness, as the letter
from my friend says. All teen-
agers are at increased risk for
depression, suicide and acciden-
tal death. Children of divorce
and adoption are at added risk.
As parents, we are limited in
what we do even for the chil-
dren who live with us, and far
less for the ones who don't. We
can do nothing but worry about
the ones we have no contact
with at all. But no matter what
our level of contact there is one
thing we can do: love them and
make every effort to let them
know that they are loved.
If we have contact, de-
pending on their age, we may
want to share their family his-
tory with them, if it includes
su:cide and/or depression. I
never had the opportunity to
tell Alicia that she inherited a
pre-disposition to substance
abuse from her father which

4. eventually, indirectly took his
life and that there is some depres-
sion and suicide in my family.
My youngest child, Adira,
now 16, knows all the family
history, including now the fact
that her half-sister took her life
at 27. We spoke aboUt her dis-
appointment and great sadness
that she never got to know her
sister before she died. I assured
Adira that had Alicia not had all
of the problems she had, she
would have wanted to know
her. I believe that Alicia's
drinking and other problems
kept her in a state of shame
which prevented her from ac-
cessing the loving support that
awaited her from me and her
sister.
Adira and I also spoke
about her fears regarding her
family history which have been
played upon by her vengeful fa-
ther. I was quite open and hon-
est and told her that her
grandfather had taken his life
and that I thought she should
know that there is some depres-
sion in the family, just as she
should know if there were can-
cer or heart disease in the fam-
ily. I validated that it was
"scary" but eXplained that
knowing, just like knowing
about any other illness, simply
makes one able to be more
aware and vigilant about symp-
toms and therefore be able to
seek medical help sooner.
As for our surrendered
children, we are as powerless in
this regard as we are in all oth-
ers. It is the powerlessness that
is most frustrating and magni-
fies our well founded fears and
concerns. Our surrendered
children or their adoptive par-
ents often welcome our contact
only after problems and pat-
terns have already been estab-
lished. In their formative teen
years, when their feelings of re-
jection are forming and when
they would benefit most from
our contact, we are most often
not able to avail ourselves.
When we do make contact, it is
hard for our surrendered chil-
dren to trust that we love them,
especially depending on the
messages, both verbal and non-
verbal, they received at home
and in society.
Looking back with the
hindsight of knowing the end of
my daughter's life, I have not
one thought of one thing I
could have done to have pre-
vented it, except to have not sur-
rendered her. Everything after
that was out of my hands, no
matter how much I cared and
tried. The only "answer" I
know is to help prevent other
tragedies to other people by
educating the powers that be of
the high price that family sepa-
rations take. To work for fam-
ily preservation and place
8
children only when there is no
alternative for them, and the
need for openness and honesty
when separations are the only
recourse for the well-being of
the child.
My other "answer" for all
the birthmothers who have ex-
pressed their fears and concerns
tha t their child could succumb
at any moment is a difficult one
to hear: Let go and let God. I
know that I did everything pos-
sible under the circumstances.
The problem is the surrender,
and since we cannot undue that,
there is little else we can do but
love them and pray.
Mirah Riben (aka Marsha Riben)
is a birthmother, freelance writer,
author and activist. She co-
founded Origins, a search and sup-
port group for women who have
lost children to adoption and isfor-
mer Director-at-Iarge and current
nominee to the board of the Ameri-
can Adoption Congress. The
author of shedding light on ...The
Dark Side of Adoption, Riben's
second book When the Bonds
Break is soon to be released.