1. Job seekers - the real reasons you didn't get
the job

2. People who write job advice columns for a living make their
living by writing job advice columns. Consequently paying
their rent requires them to grind out a never-ending series of
columns with chipper titles like “8 ½ Secrets Of Job Hunting
Success," "How To Chose Between Multiple Job Offers," and
"Secrets Of Negotiating A Really High Salary." Usually these
are only tenuously connected to reality (especially the
multiple job offer and salary negotiation ones). Columns on
why you didn’t get hired usually include nifty factoids like
“because you stuck a pencil in the hiring manager’s eye.”
Not really helpful because they discuss job hunting faux pas
that you are highly unlikely to make like “don’t show up for
the interview naked”.
It’s high time for the real reasons you didn’t get hired to come
out. This will help you make sense of the fact that after
months-and-months of job hunting, and numerous interviews
for jobs you were perfect for, you’re still looking.

3. The Hiring Manager
Already Made The
Decision

 Often the hiring manager already knows who he or
she wants for the job, and has it wired up. They’re
just going through the posting and interview Kabuki
theater because their HR department requires due
diligence. HR may or may not be in on the scam, but
either way nobody has the moral courage or even the
common decency to tell you that the whole exercise
is a complete waste of your time because the decision
was made before the job was even posted.

4. HAL Didn’t Like Your
Resume


5. HAL Didn’t Like Your
Resume

 HAL 9000 (the fictional computer villain in the movie
2001 A Space Odyssey), is now in charge of screening
most resumes and online applications, and he definitely
didn’t like yours. So he didn’t pass it through to the next
step. HAL uses completely random criteria that nobody
knows what they are so there’s no point asking or trying
to figure it out, besides the HR people like their secrets (it
makes them feel important). And once HAL rejects you
for a particular job opening, he makes an indelible note to
himself to never pass you along for any other job.
"Open the Interview Room Doors HAL."
"I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that."

6. Ken And Barbie Didn’t
Like Your Resume Either


7. Ken And Barbie Didn’t
Like Your Resume Either

 Your application’s next stop after HAL is Ken and Barbie, the
HR flacks. Ken and Barbie take themselves very seriously as
gatekeepers, and will pass only those candidates who in their
judgment will be a good fit for the position. Since Ken and
Barbie know screw-all about the position, and have never
actually managed, run, or accomplished anything substantial
themselves, they haven’t a clue of who would actually be a
good fit, so getting past them is essentially random.
The HR folks have a special secret tool they use for vetting
resumes. Check it out:
http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~ssanty/cgi-bin/eightball.cgi

8. The HR folks have a special secret
tool they use for vetting resumes.
Check it out:


9. Wrong Flavor


10. Wrong Flavor

 You’re too old, too young, black, white, brown, straight,
gay, male, female, fat, thin, religious, irreligious, etc. Yes
of course this is mostly illegal, but easily gotten around by
nobody actually saying anything about it. Or the
company may have a particular democraphic niche
they’re looking to fill, and you’re not it. One of the ways
you can tell this happened to you is if you’re told to be
ready for two hours of interviews, and you get gonged
about 15 minutes in for no apparent reason (like, for
example, stabbing someone in the eye with a pencil). They
took one look at you and when it was clear you weren’t
who they were looking for, they decided to skip the
charade.

11. Wrong "Fit"

The hiring manager isn't really looking
for someone to do a job, she or he is
looking for a new Best Friend Forever
or someone they can "go to lunch with."
You didn't share their interest in
Twilight, or golf, or whatever so you're
out.

12. You’re Too Competent

It is a well known fact (that I just made
up) that some managers only hire
people who are less assertive and less
competent than they are. It helps them
feel better about themselves, and gives
them a bunch of nonassertive nudniks
to boss around.

13. You’re Not "Qualified"

 You may be the most objectively qualified person on the
planet for the job, but that doesn't mean you're
"Qualified." When the hiring manager has already made
the decision, if you're the wrong flavor, or if you're the
wrong fit it's astonishing how unqualified you are.
Consider this interchange:
Interviewer: "Do you have experience with Kumquat?"
Applicant: "Yes, I have 8 years of continuous experience
with Kumquat. I was a beta tester before it was first
released, and now I'm using Kumquat 3.0."
Interviewer: "Aww, that's too bad, we're looking for
someone with experience with Kumquat 3.1."
Clearly the interviewee wasn't "Qualified."

14. The Company Isn’t Really Serious
About Filling The Position


15. The Company Isn’t Really Serious
About Filling The Position

 The hiring manager has been complaining about needing another
headcount for months, years maybe. Upper Management finally gets
tired of listening to the complaints and gives the hiring manager
permission to recruit for the position. But then somehow, after
hundreds of hours are sunk in the process, Upper Management never
quite gets around to actually green-lighting the hire.
Or, the company has an ongoing "Cattle Call" where they continually
troll the metro area looking for the absolutely cheapest people they can
find. The work environment is awful stemming from their corporate
practice of treating staff like toilet paper, use once, flush. So they're
always on the lookout for a new batch of suckers, er prospective
employees. If the hiring process has inexplicably convoluted hoops
you have to jump through, it may be they're just testing the level of
crap you'll put up with, or the level of desperation to which you've
sunk. Either way give these folks a pass.

16. The World Is Made Of
Snow


17. The World Is Made Of
Snow

One nonsensical specious irrational
crazytown reason is as good as another.
Maybe it was unusual sunspot activity.
Barometric pressure too high or too low.
There was a lion outside. You were wearing a
striped tie. You weren't wearing a striped tie.
You used black ink on your application. You
used blue ink on your application. You get
the idea.

18. And The Secret Is?

So, you ask, what’s the secret? How do I escape these circles of job-hunting
hell? You don’t. To find a job, you have to eat a cubic yard of manure.
There’s no way around it, you just have to grab your spoon and dig in.
You can, however, protect your time by refusing to be abused. If Ken,
Barbie, or the hiring manager are jerking you around, don’t be afraid to
drop out of the process if you strongly intuit it’s really going nowhere.
Decide in advance what your limits are. (I won’t travel out of town for an
interview unless my travel and lodging are reimbursed. This may have
cost me a few interviews, but I’m certain it hasn’t cost me any jobs).
Protect your sanity by remembering it really isn’t about you. As long as
you covered the fundamentals (shoes shined, teeth brushed, don't stick
anyone in the eye with a pencil) there was nothing more you could do.
Eventually the law of averages has to play out in your favor and you'll get
that coveted offer for a job paying merely 40% less than your previous gig.