Emotionally street smart

being Emotionally streetEmotionally streetEmotionally streetEmotionally street----
smartsmartsmartsmart
Deep Mody

This book is an initiative to
‘GiveGiveGiveGive----BackBackBackBack’ to society
All I have learnt is from the world around me
and I continue to use the knowledge to step-up
in my life and be ‘happy’. This is my attempt to
give-back to society what it has helped me earn,
to share my learning and knowledge.

Index
Sr. no.Sr. no.Sr. no.Sr. no. SectionSectionSectionSection Page noPage noPage noPage no....
1 Introduction 1
2 Hierarchy of Needs & Wants 3
3 Barter – way of life 5
4 Credibility – currency for barter 8
5 Understanding advanced Needs 10
6 Developing Credibility 14
7 Emotions 23
8 Identifying Emotions 27
9 Risk taking appetite – The Emotional
Impact 29
10 Experiencing negative Emotions –
Manage v/s Control 31
11 Ever growing Needs and role of
Emotions – a complex system 34
12 The classic conflict – Heart or Brain 39

being Emotionally street-smart Introduction
1
IntroductionIntroductionIntroductionIntroduction
Being ‘Emotionally street-smart’ is an expression
that represents gaining emotional intelligence
and using it in day-to-day life. Emotions are
representation of how satisfied our Needs are,
so to understand Emotions it is essential to
understand what Needs are and how they impact
Human Decision Making.
We all have our own micro-theories to explain;
how does Human mind work, how do people make
decisions, how to predict who would do what &
when, how do people behave and why, what are
emotions and how to deal with them, how to live
life in ‘best’ way possible, etc.. But there is
always something missing, the dilemma to listen
to heart or brain, the sadness in spite of having
everything one aimed for or lack of motivation to
work for the ‘obvious’ target.
Here is an attempt to understand what drives
Human Decision Making. Understanding basic
human needs and forces that drive towards
satisfying them. Role of Emotions. Role of
culture and traditions including past experiences.

being Emotionally street-smart Introduction
2
By the end of this book one can expect to have
practical and usable methods to be ‘Emotionally
street-smart’. The topics covered here are a
part of an in-depth informal research study and
references mentioned are easily available on
common search engines. The language is kept
simple so the reader is not sent to dictionary.
To understand the concepts mentioned, it is
highly recommended to reflect with your own
experiences. Recognising relation to matter
written here with your past experiences will help
you gain better confidence in ways of using
these tools and methods.

being Emotionally street-smart Hierarchy of Needs & Wants
3
Hierarchy of Needs &Hierarchy of Needs &Hierarchy of Needs &Hierarchy of Needs & WWWWantsantsantsants
Across various researches it is established that
human beings have few well defined needs and a
natural hierarchy is observed in which every
person moves ahead. It is important to identify
difference between Need and Want. To put it in
simple words Need is a basic necessity and Want
is means to satisfy that Need. You can change
what you want, but you cannot change what you
need1
.
Basic needs2
are identified as physiological
needs; physical requirements for human survival.
Air, water, and food are metabolic requirements
for survival in all animals, including humans.
Clothing and shelter provide necessary
protection from the elements. While maintaining
an adequate birth rate shapes the intensity of
the human sexual instinct, sexual competition
may also shape said instinct. People are
motivated to aim at advanced Needs of Love,
Family, Friendship, Respect, etc. only after
basic needs are taken care of.
Want is very complex in its functioning. We
understand that it is means to satisfy a need,

being Emotionally street-smart Hierarchy of Needs & Wants
4
but often every want has its focus on multiple
needs. To understand it better let us discuss
few simple examples, Need of hunger can be
satisfied by either road side food or a fancy
restaurant. However, fancy restaurant also
satisfies Esteem need. Similarly need for
protection from elements, shelter, can be
satisfied by a simple hut, but having a big strong
built house is again facilitating satisfaction of
Security and Esteem needs.
Human Decision Making is always focused on
satisfying Needs through Wants. It is important
to identify all Needs associated with any Want.
Basic Needs are simple to identify, but Needs
like Esteem are more complex to understand. In
further sections we will be discussing natural
process that one tends to follow to satisfy these
needs and what goes into defining the elements
of that process.

being Emotionally street-smart Barter – way of life
5
BarterBarterBarterBarter –––– way of lifeway of lifeway of lifeway of life
People are highly dependent on others to satisfy
their own needs. We build Relationships with
other individuals with purpose of getting our
needs satisfied. The rules of relationship are
defined as we device various mechanisms,
processes, way of functioning, etc. Few are
clearly communicated and most are not, they are
assumed to exist*.
*Psychological Contract between two individuals drives the unsaid
and assumed expectations.
The entire process is driven by a common
principle of Barter; exchange of ‘satisfying
needs’ between two individuals. People in
relationships (any kind; personal, professional,
social, friends, family, etc.) put efforts helping
others gain what they desire and in-turn seek
from them what they personally desire. People
have their own Individual theories about how the
world works and what action leads to what
result. These theories are developed by their
learning, experience, traditions and operant
conditioning*. These theories ‘Define’ an
individual and their personality. We will be
discussing more about it in sections ahead.

6
*Operant Conditioning - A learning process in which the likelihood
of a specific behavior is increased or decreased through positive or
negative reinforcement each time the behavior is exhibited, so that
the subject comes to associate the pleasure or displeasure of the
reinforcement with the behavior
Keeping the above in mind, it would not be
incorrect to state that Human beings focus on
their needs first, any or every act of doing
something for others is with an underlying
assumption (from their theories) of that act
being beneficial to their personal satisfaction of
needs. Unsatisfied needs are usually result of
inconsistency of theories with realistic practical
facts. To elaborate a little on it, instances when
assumptions leading to predicted results are
incorrect, the results are not what are desired.
Emotions are result of satisfied or unsatisfied
needs, we will be discussing more about it in
sections ahead.
We will focus on few aspects of theories that
make them effective. While we look at Barter in
general, it requires two individuals who; Need
something, Have what the other one wants and
Have clear understanding of value of exchange.
To understand this better I urge everyone to
think of a relationship you are happy in and

7
another where you are not happy. List down the
following:
1. Your Needs from the relationship.
2. How much capable is the other person of
satisfying your Needs?
3. Other person’s Needs.
4. How much capable are you of satisfying
other person’s Needs?
5. Are the values of exchange clearly
defined?
6. Are those defined terms clearly
communicated, understood and
accepted?
It is generally observed that it is very easy to
list down your Personal Needs and they are also
often communicated. With little efforts even
other person’s Needs are recognised. What
often gets ignored is capability of satisfying the
other one’s Needs and defining terms and values
of exchange. Ofcourse it is not always feasible
to articulate all terms and values of exchange,
usually they are assumed to exist and non-
verbally communicated by actions.

being Emotionally street-smart Credibility – currency for
barter
8
CredibilityCredibilityCredibilityCredibility –––– currency for bartercurrency for bartercurrency for bartercurrency for barter
As established earlier, relationships are driven
by putting efforts in giving what the other one
desires hoping to get what you desire. But the
question is how much to invest in at first? Invest
in-terms of time, energy, money, space of mind,
etc. Credibility of a person to deliver your
desires in exchange of your efforts defines your
level of relationship. My relationship is very
close to my best friend because she has proved
her capability in delivering to my expectations,
so I do not mind investing or putting lot of
efforts for something she desires as I know I
will get my returns. Closer relationship means
very high credibility.
Usually Credibility for a person whom you’re
interacting with for the first time is defined by
your past experiences with that ‘kind’ of person.
We tend to look at stereotype of individuals.
Reiterating, Our Individual theories of how the
world works are largely dependent on our past
experiences, learning, traditions and operant
conditioning.

being Emotionally street-smart Credibility – currency for
barter
9
The estimate of efforts to be invested in an
individual, you’re interacting with for the first
time, is a result of mix of Credibility we derive
at (as mentioned in previous para) and capability
of that individual to satisfy our Need. Let us
take a random example of men being readily
available to help unknown ‘attractive’ women.
Possibly those men do that because their
Individual theory tell them that wooing women
by giving what they desire can make that woman
give them what they want and one has to invest
more than usual to gain attention of such
attractive woman. Also possibly they can see
capability of that woman to enormously satisfy
their sexual need and Esteem need (holding their
head high proudly by being with an attractive
woman).
I once again urge reader to reflect on the
concepts with their past experiences and decide
to accept.

being Emotionally street-smart Understanding advanced
Needs
10
Understanding advanced NeedsUnderstanding advanced NeedsUnderstanding advanced NeedsUnderstanding advanced Needs
Security
While we have formulated basis of human
relationships and exchange of ‘satisfaction of
needs’, it is also important to understand that
once our Needs are satisfied and we are in
‘Happy’ state, we want it to be that way forever.
Relationships flourish when both individuals
involved continue to satisfy each other’s needs.
The theories they both have developed about
how things work and their mutual agreement of
value exchange of needs are in perfect sync.
Such relationships carry individuals with some
crucial understanding about constant change. As
discussed earlier, individual Needs change in
hierarchical order, where satisfaction of one
need leads to craving for another. Each of the
individuals involved should increase their
individual capability of delivering changing needs
of other and also revise their value exchange
terms constantly. This is a skill that a person
develops over period of time. As mentioned in
brief earlier that Individual theories about how
things work are developed and improved as

Needs
11
experiences add, such delicate management of
relationships to make them last longer requires
time & efforts.
Need for Security or say consistently satisfying
all other Needs is an important aspect of Human
Decision Making.
Love
Love is often most admired Need and most
desired. What makes it so? Let us look at
definition of Love. Love is defined as a
profoundly tender, passionate affection for
another person; to have a strong liking for; take
great pleasure in; to need or require; benefit
greatly from3
. Maintaining the reference we are
using in this text, it is desire to have a
relationship where Needs are immensely
satisfied. Often relationships which cater to
satisfying almost all Needs and in highly
satisfying manner. The person you Love has high
credibility to satisfy your multiple Needs. Often
we come across instances when one is in Love
with other, but not necessarily the other way
around. In this case when we look at things from

Needs
12
perspective of first person, the second one is
found to be highly capable of meeting first
person’s desires, however, when we look at
things from second person’s perspective, first
one may not have all that capability of meeting
second one’s Needs. Hence First one finds
second person Highly Credible, or say is in Love,
but the second person is not.
While we discuss High Credibility, we are
discussing high risk. Meeting the Need of love
leads to extremely positive emotions and loss
leads to extremely negative emotions. We will be
discussing this at length in section for Emotions
ahead.
Respect
Esteem is Need most focused on in this text.
Self-Respect and Respect from others are usual
sub divisions of the Esteem Need4
. While
Confidence and Self Respect helps one gain
Respect from others, let us understand the term
Respect. Respect is defined as esteem for or a
sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a
personal quality or ability, or something

Needs
13
considered as a manifestation of a personal
quality or ability5
. Maintaining the reference we
are using in this text, it is certainly safe to
conclude that Respect = Credibility; ability of a
person to deliver on expectations. When one
aims at Esteem need, the base of the same is
found at desire to increase Credibility. A little
ahead I will share brief comparison of Love and
Respect making it easier to understand the
distinction.

being Emotionally street-smart Developing Credibility
14
DevelopingDevelopingDevelopingDeveloping CredibilityCredibilityCredibilityCredibility
Credibility is what makes you capable (in eyes of
others) of delivering expectations and hence,
worthy of investment by others to help you
satisfy your Needs. We will explore the potential
of two methods of satisfying the same.
Know-How – Individual theory of how the
world works
The best way to convince someone that you have
done something is by actually doing it!
Understanding how things work and making it
happen builds people’s confidence in you to do
things. Elaborating this by few examples;
knowing how to hunt and by hunting well you build
your Credibility to satisfy hunger, knowing how
to build a house and by building a good one you
build your Credibility to satisfy Need of
protection, knowing how to teach people to gain
Credibility and successfully doing that you gain
Credibility to make people credible (Esteem
Need).

15
Know-How about how the world works is
developed by learning, experience, traditions and
Operant conditioning. While we are exposed to
various concepts (including this book), we also
often come across many conflicting views. One
has to be very careful in accepting anything they
come across. Pragmatism* is the key to
authentic Know-How. Often inconsistent
understanding of the way things work leads to
non-achievement of results and hence loss of
Credibility. Blindly believing anything without any
attempt to question practical applicability of a
theory can be of great risk. It is always
advisable to develop your Individual theories
from credible sources.
*Pragmatism – character or conduct that emphasizes practicality; a
philosophical movement or system having various forms, but
generally stressing practical consequences as constituting the
essential criterion in determining meaning, truth, or value.
Credibility Exchange
Going beyond Know-How and actually doing things
an important part that plays role is Credibility
Exchange. Let us understand that Credibility of
a person is defined by capability to deliver and it
by default is a comparative statement. Higher

16
Credibility is achieved by either increasing yours
or reducing other’s. To help you relate to it, we
tend to respect those who respect us and we
tend to insult those who insult us. Reducing
other person’s Credibility (taking away Respect)
is an ancient tool used by people, it often comes
from those who have failed to develop their
Credibility by Know-How (not knowing how things
work and hence, failing to achieve something
desired). As much important it is to give Respect
(increase someone’s Credibility by praising in
public or by various other means), it is equally
important to understand how one attempts at
reducing your Credibility (taking away your
respect by insulting you). This no-way implies
that you should engage in similar act, but
understanding this is important as you know what
is happening. Such loss of Respect usually leads
to negative emotions (just like lack of any
desired Need). An attempt should be made to
build relationship keeping in mind steps
mentioned above (section of Barter – way of
life).
In an attempt to compare Love and Respect, one
can state that Love is desire (Need) to have

17
those special few relationships where ‘Credibility
Exchange’ is very high and it caters to ‘All
Needs’, however, Respect is desire (Need) to
have many relationships where ‘Credibility
Exchange’ is very high but with limited scope of
catering to Credibility Need (gaining more
Respect – Esteem Need).
While we understand the importance of
Credibility we can certainly conclude that
Relationship with any individual is defined purely
by Credibility. Depending on the Needs involved
in barter, the type of relationship is defined. Let
us do a small exercise and fill the table below:
Relationship
Needs involved
in barter - all
Needs involved
Level of closeness
in relationship
(Level of Credibility
Exchange; High-
Medium-Low)
Friendship
Boss
Spouse
Children
Best Friend
Extra marital
affair
Colleague

18
Team Member
Sibling
Teacher
Student
You will observe that relationships where more
Needs are involved or Credibility Exchange is
High, are usually very close and strong
relationships. At the same time they are also
vulnerable to extreme Emotions in case of not
meeting expectations.
Defining yourself – your Individual Culture
Culture is commonly used term and before we
begin discussing about it, we will understand
what exactly it means. Culture is defined as the
quality in a person or society that arises from a
concern for what is regarded as excellent; the
behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a
particular social, ethnic, or age group6
. To
elaborate, it is collection of Behaviour driven by
few core Values. Any person’s actions or
reactions to situations are driven by combination
of 3 things; Need, Desire (Want that is
considered valuable and effective to satisfy
corresponding Need) and Individual theory of

19
how to achieve what is Desired. Behaviour of a
person (act) in various situations is usually
repetitive. Collection of all such Behaviour
defines a person, way of life or say Culture of a
person, Individual Culture.
We will spend some time understanding
difference between Need and Desire. We have
been constantly discussing Need and how one’s
Individual theory helps that person satisfy those
Needs. We have also discussed and established
that Wants are means of satisfying Needs and
various Wants can satisfy the same Need. Which
Want to focus on or say which Want is Desired
to be achieved is defined in Individual theory of
that person. What has been taught to achieve,
what has been defined as ‘Respectful’ by those
around that person becomes a part of what is
Desired. Let us look at few examples:
Need to
satisfy
Want defined by those around that
person as means to Satisfy the Need
Culture 1 Culture 2 Culture 3
Hunger Home
cooked
Veg. food
Roasted
chicken
Eggeterian
Sex Getting
married
Prostitute Girlfriend /
Wife

20
Self-
Respect
Adhering
to religious
practices
Workout
with weight
Educational
qualifications
Respect
by others
Stringent
follower of
society
norms
Wheelie on
bike
Plush house,
car, etc.
Each Need has various levels; the complex hierarchy of Needs
is not just shifting from Basic to Advanced, but also different
levels with-in each Need. We will discuss that at length in
sections ahead.
So coming back to Individual Culture,
reiterating, it is collection of Behaviour of a
person driven by Individual theory to achieve
what is Desired. It is very crucial to understand
Individual Culture of self and the person you are
in relationship with. This understanding helps us
built relationships using points mentioned in
section above (Barter – way of life). Let us take
a small exercise to practice our understanding of
this. Fill the column below for 3 people close to
you. Mention various Desires (Wants) of that
person that satisfies corresponding Need. This
will help you understand better how that person
makes decisions subconsciously and what may be
expected from you.

21
Need to satisfy
Desire of that person used to satisfy
the corresponding Need
Person 1 Person 2 Person 3
Name
Hunger
Thirst
Sex
Self-Respect
(Confidence)
Respect by
others
Individual Culture is what a person is, personality
is. A person tends to do more of what has been
working to achieve what is Desired. The
tendency to be more of what you are is referred
to as ‘Self Actualisation*’ in Maslow’s Hierarchy
of Needs7
.
*The term was later used by Abraham Maslow in his article, A
Theory of Human Motivation, Maslow explicitly defines self-
actualization to be "the desire for self-fulfillment, namely the
tendency for him [the individual] to become actualized in what he
is potentially
Every object, act, event, idea, thought, etc. has
different connotative* meanings in different
cultures, different emotions attached to same
object, act, event, idea, thought, etc. This brings
us to our discussion on understanding Emotions.

22
What we have till now has established the base
to learn an important part of Human Decision
Making, Emotions.
*Connotative - The set of associations implied by a word in addition
to its literal meaning.

being Emotionally street-smart Emotions
23
EmotionsEmotionsEmotionsEmotions
Out of all the experiences we carry, our journey
with Emotions is the oldest. Emotions have been
with us since birth and we all have our
understanding and Individual theory about what
they are, how they work, how to make the best
of them, etc. The simple way Emotions can be
defined is representation of satisfied or
unsatisfied Needs. When you Desire something
and achieve more than expected, you experience
positive Emotions like joy, happiness, delight,
etc. and in the event of not achieving what is
Desired, you experience negative Emotions like
sadness, anger, frustration, etc.
The entire essence of Emotions is based on
Desire and our Individual theories on how to
achieve what is Desired. We have spent
significant amount of time, in sections above,
understanding role of Desire and Individual
theories, also how to master them. Before we go
ahead, to build a platform for better
understanding of what follows, I would
recommend the reader to complete this
exercise. Reflect on your past experience and
fill the columns:

24
What
was
Desired?
Was it
achieved?
How far was
actual
achievement
from
expectation?
(more or less,
as the case
may be)
What
Emotion you
experienced?
While you list your personal experiences here,
what is clearly observed is further away your
achievement is from expectation, stronger is the
emotion. When we get exactly what you
expected or say predicted, you do not
experience strong emotions. Instances where
your achievement is far exceeding projections,
you feel overjoyed; whereas instances where
your achievement is far lesser than what you
predicted, you feel depressed.
So now you are actually relating your
experiences and your Emotions!!!... Good job!
Let’s continue…

25
Does this also mean that people, who constantly
achieve exactly what they predicted, do not feel
extreme Emotions? Yes it does. Emotions are
Metric System to determine how realistic
Individual theory is. Predicting an outcome is
driven by your Know-How of the world. How
accurately you understand all the forces at
work, parameters involved in influencing an act,
etc. More realistic your Individual theory is,
better is your prediction of outcome. Think of
instances when you had put in lot of efforts and
were really really really hopeful that things turn
out the way you want. You did not have clarity in
predicting the outcome accurately, but when it
happened the way you hoped for, you were not
only extremely happy, but you also added
learning from your experience and improved your
Know-How about how things work making it more
realistic. On the contrary, you did not feel any
extreme Emotion when you took the same train
which you do daily. The outcome of your efforts
was predictable with high accuracy, hence, no
extreme Emotion.

26
It is essential to understand predicting outcome
accurately does not necessarily imply being in
control. You may not be in control, but you may
still be able to predict the outcome accurately.
Inner Peace is achieved when your predictions
are constantly achieved accurately, when there
is not much variation in Emotions. Many
experience such Inner Peace occasionally or as
peak experiences once-in-a-while.

being Emotionally street-smart Identifying Emotions
27
Identifying EmotionsIdentifying EmotionsIdentifying EmotionsIdentifying Emotions
While we understand basics of what Emotions
are and how they work, to master understanding
of Emotions it is very essential to articulate your
experiences accurately and name the Emotion
you are feeling. Once we learn to identify and
name an experience as an Emotion, it becomes
much easier to determine the origin of the
Emotion; i.e. to determine which achievement is
not in sync with which Desire expected and is
far away in which direction. This realization
helps us improve our Individual theory making it
more realistic.
Below is the emotion annotation and
representation language (EARL) proposed by the
Human-Machine Interaction Network on Emotion
(HUMAINE) classifies 48 Emotions9
.
Negative and forceful
Negative and
passive
Positive
thoughts
Anger Boredom Courage
Annoyance Despair Hope
Contempt Disappointment Pride
Disgust Hurt Satisfaction
Irritation Sadness Trust

being Emotionally street-smart Identifying Emotions
28
Negative and not in
control Agitation Quiet positive
Anxiety Stress Calmness
Embarrassment Shock Contentment
Fear Tension Relaxation
Helplessness Positive and lively Relief
Powerlessness Amusement Serenity
Worry Delight Reactive
Negative thoughts Elation Interest
Doubt Excitement Politeness
Envy Happiness Surprise
Frustration Joy
Guilt Pleasure
Shame Caring
Affection
Empathy
Friendliness
Love
As an exercise I would urge the reader to do,
write beside each Emotion when was the last
time it was experienced.

being Emotionally street-smart Risk taking appetite – The
Emotional impact
29
Risk taking appetiteRisk taking appetiteRisk taking appetiteRisk taking appetite –––– The Emotional impactThe Emotional impactThe Emotional impactThe Emotional impact
Risk taking is an integral part of Human Decision
Making process and Emotions play a large role in
it. Any Rational human being takes Risk when he
has enough to afford losing a little. Risk is
usually taken to achieve Desire at upper level
and in the event of not achieving it, the least
what a person gains is better Know-How, better
understanding of how things work. So there’s no
real loss, it is just an estimate of the investment
being worth it.
While referring to Emotional Impact we have
learnt earlier in this text that often investment
in terms of efforts (in terms of time, energy,
money, space of mind, etc.) is needed while
attempting to establish a new relationship or
achieving Desire of higher level. Such
investments are easily welcome when the person
is either high on positive Emotions (remember
making large promises when you were very
happy?) or has robust mechanism (highly
practical Individual theory) of achieving what is
Desired (with highly realistic Know-How). People
who are Emotionally resilient (capable of

being Emotionally street-smart Risk taking appetite – The
Emotional impact
30
recovering fast from loss) have higher appetite
for Risk taking.
Let us look at an extreme positive end of this.
People who have highly realistic Know-How about
how the world works and are have mastered the
art of achieving their Desires, those with highly
practical Individual theories, are often not much
concerned about running for so called smaller
things in life. Their Risk taking appetite is
almost infinite. Such people aim at achieving
what looks beyond capacity of ‘common man’.
Their acts are almost selfless. To elaborate with
an example, think of a highly learned personality.
You would not find that person craving for basic
respect or say would have no Ego whatsoever.
Acts by that person would aim at Desires which
are at levels way beyond what a ‘common man’
runs for. Such acts are referred to as ‘going
beyond themselves for the larger good’. This
state is defined as ‘Self Transcendence*’ in
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs8
.
*self-transcendence – the overcoming of the limits of the individual
self and its desires in spiritual contemplation and realization.

being Emotionally street-smart Experiencing negative
Emotions – Manage v/s
Control
31
Experiencing negative EmotionsExperiencing negative EmotionsExperiencing negative EmotionsExperiencing negative Emotions –––– Manage v/sManage v/sManage v/sManage v/s
ControlControlControlControl
I would willfully like to draw attention towards
understanding distinction between Manage and
Control. The above mentioned content in this
text will provide enough insight into
understanding Emotions and their origin, but as
we know knowledge is double edged sword, it is
important to use it well.
Let us understand simple distinction between
Manage and Control
Manage Control
According to
Dictionary.com,
Management is:
The act or manner of
managing; handling,
direction.
Forecasting
Planning
Organizing
According to
Dictionary.com, Control is:
To exercise restraint or
direction over; dominate;
command.
To hold in check; curb: to
control a horse; to control
one's emotions.
To eliminate or prevent
the flourishing or spread
of: to control a forest fire.

Control
32
Commanding
Coordinating
Reaction to undesired:
Accept, give it what it needs
and then move on to what
is desired.
Reaction to undesired:
Suppress, Ignore, Avoid
and focus on what is
desired
While we experience negative Emotions, of
course they are undesired (because they are
experienced when you have not achieved what
was Desired), how we focus on desired positive
Emotions is an art that one masters only over a
period of time. Negative Emotions have been
there and will always exist. Their presence is
indication of an opportunity to focus on
improving our Know-How, learning how things
actually work and be more practical in our
approach (be pragmatic). While we Manage
Emotions, presence of negative Emotions is not
be ignored or suppressed, rather they are to be
accepted as a part of life and embraced. Give
them the space and attention they demand. Give
them the time they need to settle and the time
they demand to analyse what went wrong, what
could’ve been done better, what is realistic and

Control
33
what to expect in future. Think of that time
when you were really Sad, you did not have what
you really wanted. You wanted to spend a lot of
time alone trying to think about what went wrong
and how you lost it. You wanted to cry or felt
angry as something/someone took that away
from you. In that moment, did you suppress,
ignore or avoid your Emotions or did you embrace
them and gave them the time, energy and space
of mind they demanded? Ofcourse you need to
move on to positivity in life, but as much
important it is to manage your positive Emotions,
it is in fact more important to manage your
negative Emotions (as they are undesired).

being Emotionally street-smart Ever growing Needs and role
of Emotions – a complex
system
34
Ever growingEver growingEver growingEver growing NNNNeedseedseedseeds and role of Emotionsand role of Emotionsand role of Emotionsand role of Emotions –––– aaaa
complexcomplexcomplexcomplex systemsystemsystemsystem
Referring to discussed concept in the text
earlier, Needs follow complex hierarchy, they
don’t just move from basic to advanced, they
also move up in their levels in each Need. To
facilitate understanding of the same, below is a
game with similar rules:

system
35
Similar to any game, this game has an Aim and
few Rules.

system
36
Aim: To achieve as many points as possible
Rules: You need to stand near the start line and
throw marbles in the hole with the following
rules:
1. You need to decide which hole to aim at
before throwing the marble
2. If the marble goes inside the hole, you get
points mentioned in that level and if you
miss you lose the same amount of points
from your total score.
3. All the holes will be closed at the
beginning except A1.
4. Other holes will open when you master
your skills of putting marbles into A1,
atleast 5 marbles.
5. On successfully putting 5 marbles in A1,
two holes would open; B1 and A2.
6. The same rule of mastering skills at a hole
with 5 marbles applies to all holes before
they are opened.
7. For holes like B2, they will open only
when both the holes below A2 and B1 are
mastered by putting 5 marbles in each.

system
37
8. The game gets more complex at higher
levels as the required no. of holes to be
mastered are more and the risk is also
higher. For example to open D3 one has
to master all 11 holes below and even
after it opens the risk is very high. Missing
an attempt of putting a marble in it would
cost 60 points, equivalent to 6 successful
point gains at A1.
When one tries to gain more and more positive
points, it is essential to meticulously balance
between risk and skills. The same is the case
with Human Decision Making, to carefully
balance.
Here each hole refers to Needs, on achieving a
Need positive Emotions (positive points) are
gained and on not achieving negative Emotions
are experienced (losing points in game). The only
way to win this game is by using a plan and
process that works (realistic Individual theory).
Losing points (experiencing negative Emotions)
doesn’t stop the game, one has to accept the loss
and give time to understand what would be a
more practical approach (managing Emotions) and

system
38
use the revised approach to give it another shot
and gain more points (improve Know-How and
Individual theory making it more practical).
A small note here to identify different levels of
same Need. Looking at our experiences and
talking about simple Need of hunger, it grows
from any food to specific taste to specific
ingredients to specific method of
growing/raising ingredients and so on and on and
on. Below is a small exercise to identify your
personal levels of same Need:
Need Level 1 Level 2 Level 3
Hunger
Security
Self-Respect
Respect from
others

being Emotionally street-smart The classic conflict – Heart or
Brain
39
The classic conflictThe classic conflictThe classic conflictThe classic conflict –––– Heart or BrainHeart or BrainHeart or BrainHeart or Brain
Coming towards end of the text it is essential to
answer the classic question, in spite of have such
simple and clear rules of Human Decision Making,
why do we always feel a stretch between what
your Heart and Brain says. Listening to your
Heart means decision making is guided by
Emotions (what is the current Need to be
satisfied), whereas listening to Brain means
decision making is driven by Know-How of how
things work, doing what is necessary as per
Individual theory to achieve what is Desired. Let
us summarise the entire process of Human
Decision Making, it has a target and a process to
achieve it.
Target is the Hierarchy of Need, however there
are two types of hierarchies; one is natural
order or the way nature has designed us (we
have been discussing that throughout this text)
and other is the one implied by learning,
traditions, culture of those around us (their
understanding of how to be ‘happy’). I will
elaborate with an example; see if you can relate
to a college boy who was in love with his batch
mate, but was asked to focus on studies to make

Brain
40
career and suppress the feelings for that girl.
Natural hierarchy of Needs is not adhered to
here. Esteem Need of having Respect from
society is given more importance than basic
Need (of course there are many more Needs at
work in this whole scenario, but the focus Need
is highlighted in this example). From another
perspective it might even be looked at parents
running for their personal Esteem Need.
Estimating accurately what’s at play here would
need more details about the situation, however,
this perspective can give line of thought to be
pragmatic in accepting what is taught and
aligning it with natural hierarchy.
Process of achieving the target (Individual
theory) has to be with intent to Manage
Emotions and not Control them. Ever wondered
why few parents teach their kids that boys don’t
cry. One should not suppress negative Emotions
rather should teach to accept their presence
and give them what they need.
Usually the natural tendency insists on what is
called as listening to Heart, but often the
learning from society around, traditions, etc.

Brain
41
may not be in sync in with what actually &
naturally works for Human Beings (Individual
theory being inconsistent with reality), often
referred to as listening to Brain. Also it may not
be practical to always listen to Heart as Esteem
Need is strongly associated with getting Respect
from people, gaining Credibility to give them
what is Desired by them. However, listening to
Heart for sure brings peace and joy.

ReferencesReferencesReferencesReferences
1. http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/nee
d.htm
2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s
_hierarchy_of_needs
3. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/l
ove?s=t
_hierarchy_of_needs
5. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/r
espect?s=t
6. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/c
ulture?s=t
_hierarchy_of_needs
_hierarchy_of_needs
9. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contrasting
_and_categorization_of_emotions

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