1. ~ 1 ~
LOVE
BEYOND
HORIZONS
Dr. K. S. Bhardwaj
2013

2. ~ 2 ~
DEDICATED
TO ALL THOSE WHO
WERE DESERTED
BY THEIR BEAUS AND
WHO DARED THE
SOCIAL STIGMAS TO
RISE AGAIN

3. ~ 3 ~
The Introduction
Basically this novel is women centric. The central character fights
with the deep-rooted orthodox order in her revolutionary manner and
gives the desired direction to her personal life; and also steers the
society around her as she wants to. Though the heroine is against
conventional beliefs which tie women with the posts restricting their
life and liberty even then she does not represent the modern wayward
ways of women’s emancipation which some urbanites boast about and
have got but at a heavy price as it has put new shackles on their limbs.
The story promotes secular values and emphasizes that Hindus,
Muslims, Sikhs, Christians: All are brothers. It deals with the
degenerating educational values of the day vitally and facilitates
speedy establishment of not only a new socio-educational order but
also brings revolutionary changes in the existing system which focus
emphatically on girls’ education to facilitate new-making of the
world.
In “Love Beyond Horizons” Noor, a semi-literate Krishan-
devoted Muslim girl who happens to be the central character of this
story, falls in love with Shankar so deeply that she throws all the
Muslim social and matrimonial norms and her family restrictions to
winds and quits her parents’ home in revolt; and neck deep submerged
in the ocean of her love and fully lost in it, she elopes with her lover
Shankar. She is so much absorbed in her love-life that she does not
even know when and how she begets a child and why she later
transforms herself from Noor to Sambhavana. But Shankar also does
with her the same which the majority of husbands do with their wives
after marriage.
How Sambhavana, in order to save her honour and to bring up her
child, re-establishes herself and brings up her baby single handedly,
faces social taunts boldly and combats with all the hardships which
the world offers to such women-challengers and change-makers, is the
central theme of this novel. Even after her successful re-establishment,
she has to protect herself against lustful-hawks hovering not only over
her but every single woman as well; and teaches a lesson or two to a
few of them. Resultantly she develops a deep hatred against the entire
male community. Suddenly, she comes into the contact of Kshashank

4. ~ 4 ~
whose attitudes of holding women in high esteem surprise her. Due to
her hatred against the males and ten to twelve years of her continuous
struggle in her re-establishment, her carnal desires had lapsed into
oblivion. Noticing Kshashank’s deep respects for women, she
develops her faith in men once more. She feels attracted towards
Kshashank magnetically and her almost-dead sexual desires are
rekindled. But Kshashank, instead of reciprocating to her advances to
use her as a sex-toy, looks at her with his usual respect for women.
Since a man had won her trust once again, the firm-resolved
Sambhavana continues wooing Kshashank out of love for him and
also to satisfy her ungratified physical needs. The latter continues
counselling her against it; but she ultimately makes Kshashank
speechless by her arguments. At last both become intimate. Within
twenty four hours of being physical with Kshashank, Sambhavana
feels fully gratified and turns once again towards her Lord Krishan
who she had forgotten due to her never-ending problems and her
endless struggles in solving them. For the first time she touches
Kshashank’s feet and says, “You have filled my life with thrills. I will
never forget you for it. And yes, I will never bother you anymore like
this. But if you ever feel the need, just tell me unhesitatingly. I am
yours for ever without marriage.” On hearing this Kshashank is aghast
and asks her, “Sambhavana, what’s the need of such Bhisham
pratigya.” (Rock like resolution)
“Sir, because of two main reasons: First, I had lost track of my
Lord Krishan and drifted away from Him due to my life struggles and
long unfulfilled desires. You have satisfied them today. Now I want to
fully concentrate on Him. Second: Passion and perfume can never be
concealed. I do not want our true love to be sullied.” Thereafter,
Kshashank cooperates with her fully. The story automatically draws
our attention to the technique of salvation “Sambhog se Samadhi” as
propounded by Acharya Rajneesh.
The story revolves around about ten to twelve people, eighty five
percent of who are females who not only chalk out their own ways in
their lives but also impress upon the male characters a lot by their
matchless personalities. It is a matter of interest to research and find
out who is after all at fault if there is anyone: Noor, Shankar, the sex-
pervert officer, Sambhavana, Kshashank, Fiza, Hina, Manmohan,

5. ~ 5 ~
Radha’s husband or Bhagwat. Leaving this vexatious poser to readers,
Sambhavana with Kshashank and Kshashank with Sambhavana passes
through the narrow alleys of life and simultaneously perform their
worldly responsibilities and at the end; following the commands of
Swamiji, both take retirement from their service and establish a
residential school for orphan girl-children. The school is unique in
character and differs from other institutions in as much as it imparts
modern education besides inculcating sanskars of the Indian culture
among girl-students with a mission that as they grow into good human
beings, they will facilitate new generations too to imbibe them. This
school is planned to produce super-women dedicated to human values.
Sadhvi Pragya (Manmohan’s former lovelorn Fiza) plans, implements
and monitors the spiritual uplift of the girl-students. These girls are
oriented in Indian sanskars in such a way that they resolve to bring
revolutionary changes in the degenerating Indian Society and
reestablish principles of atithi devo bhav and yatr naryastu pujyante
tatr ramante devta.(The guest is like God and where the women are
worshipped, Gods live there)
Fully contented the central-female character of the novel breathes
her last in the lap of her ideal-man and the novel ends with the
construction of her Samadhi.
The novel follows the tenets of existentialism too. Let us recall
that the renowned French philosopher Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de
Beauvoir struggled throughout their lives for their individual existence
especially of women. Both lived together without marriage and never
came in each other’s way. They honoured each other’s liberty
throughout their lives. Readers are free to make their opinion but are
honourably requested to pass on their views, comments and
suggestions to the author at jainarayangaur@yahoo.com.
Wish the readers a happy reading.
dr. bhardwaj, k.s
Flat # 225 (GF) F-Block, Pocket-2,
Sector-16, Rohini,
New Delhi-110089
Mobile: 9718891077 Email: jainarayangaur@yahoo.mail

6. ~ 6 ~
Chapter-1
The morning congregation was in full swing. Swami Gyanender
and his devotees were sitting face to face. During question hour
Sambhavana, narrating her daily routine to Swamiji had asked, “I go
to temple. Perform puja. I read Ramayan and Bhagwad Gita daily. I
often go to Goverdhan for a foot-walk round it. Still I remain
disturbed. How after all shall I get peace?”
Swamiji kept sitting silently. After some time he smiled a bit as if
saying, “You yourself are responsible for all your troubles; and
funnily you are asking me how you would get rid of them.” He
opened his eyes, glanced at the audience and lost in his solitude once
again. The audience, who was getting restless, had been looking
sometime at Swamiji and at other towards Sambhavana. And the latter
felt highly disturbed within her as if she had committed a grievous
mistake by asking such a silly question because everyone was looking
at her with interrogative looks as if saying, “Why after all did you put
such a foolish question to Swamiji?”
But Swamiji had no doubts. He knew Sambhavana’s family
background well. He knew her ardent bent of mind and deep interests
very well. Neither had he any doubts about her devotion nor on her
superb thoughts; neither on her efforts nor on her intentions; neither
on her aims to achieve them nor on her goal. He knew very well how
much devoted and firm on her mission she was. He knew no
difficulties or hardships could block her way. He knew well that she is
not made to retreat. She is one who never lets any doubts raise their
hoods on her faith, who never lets her firm determination wave, who
never lets her mind overcome her heart and who always lived in her
present. But the same Sambhavana was totally dejected today.
He asked, “Sambhavana, do you believe in births and rebirths?”
“Yes Swamiji,” Sambhavana had answered briefly with her looks
on the ground.
“Then your puzzle could be solved easily. Try to understand that
the more troubles you face in this birth, you are proceeding towards
the next with a cleaner and spotless previous life. You are now facing
the consequences of the earlier one. What you need only to care right

7. ~ 7 ~
now is that no further mistakes are committed in the present birth,”
Swamiji counselled her in very simple and comprehensible words.
Tanya, who was sitting by the side of Sambhavana commented,
“Swamiji, these standards of what is right and what is wrong, are very
strange. How can we tackle this puzzle?”
“What do you mean? Make it a bit clear,” had asked Swamiji.
“Swamiji, with due respects I beg your pardon for being a bit
straightforward. Whether it is East or West, the physical needs of the
people are the same and common. These physical needs give rise to
wishes. But if the means which are adopted in West to fulfill them are
used in the East also, everybody starts frowning upon and making a
hue and cry. The confusion about right and wrong caused by such
differing attitudes, standards and measuring scales is not after all an
uncommon thing,” Tanya said making her doubts clear.
Swamiji’s definition of right and wrong was unique but very
simple which caused great consternation among the self-styled social
reformists because it actually challenged their traditional authority. So
Swamiji was never liked by them at all. Swamiji said, “Nothing is odd
in it. Keep two things always in mind. First, whatever you do should
not cause any harm or trouble to anyone else. Second, the more
simple, wish-less and nature oriented life you lead, the more right you
are. Do not bother at all what the people say thereafter.”
Tanya asked again, “What nature oriented means?”
“All the five drives which the human beings experience and
which give rise to the desires, are nature gifted to all living beings
especially to the humans. For the spiritual uplift, these are advised to
be suppressed. Suppressing them is not only impossible but against
the principles of nature as well. It is impossible for anyone to be fully
free of these drives. When the great sages like Parshuram and
Durvasa: Well-known for their anger, Narad and Vishwamitar: In the
grip of their lustful desires could not overcome them, then what to talk
of common people like us?”
“And the reasons for this Swamiji?” asked Sadhna.

8. ~ 8 ~
“Reasons are simple. Being nature gifted, these are inseparable
parts and parcel of the life of human beings. Therefore instead of
wasting time and energy in getting rid of them, we should try to
maintain a balance among them and keep them to desirable limits.
When unbridled drives are balanced, they become our strengths full of
positive energy with which we can achieve anything. Welfare lies not
in trying to curb them but keeping an equilibrium among them which
in other words, provides the true peace.”
Sambhavana said, “Prabhu! Is it as easy to do so as it is said? Can
it be adopted and followed so easily?”
“Well said Sambhavana. People are sometimes in the tight grip of
the circumstances also. Sometimes they face such moments that these
philosophical principles become meaningless. That is why I
emphasise to keep a balance among them. And if we want no rebirths;
and even if we are reborn and want to be at peace to make life worth
living, then this much we will have to do.”
“If balancing is not possible due to any desire being very intense,
what should we do?” asked Sambhavana.
“Sambhavana, all the desires are very intense. That is why great
sages like Parshuram fumes with rage and Vishwamitar flames with
lust. Menka was just an excuse that Inder sent her to disturb his
meditation (Tapsya). The poor Menka was unnecessarily defamed.
Had there been any other in her place, the outcome would have been
the same as it happened to Menka due to being Menka; and
Vishwamitar did with Menka being Vishwamitar.”
“And if means to satisfy the intense desires are not available
then….what should be done? Sambhavana asked again hesitatingly.
“Feel contented. Realise it to be the will of the Almighty. Going
against His will, will never decrease the pains but rather increase. And
if the pains are increased, life will become unbearable. The situation
which you are in today will persist; and may be it aggravates to a
greater extent.”
“And if means to satisfy the desires come handy all of a sudden in
due course and those means are considered immoral, then what should
we do?”

9. ~ 9 ~
“Morality and immorality are man-made concepts. There is no
such differentiation in nature which could be labeled as moral or
immoral. That is why I always advise to live by nature. If your
conscience says that none will be harmed or put to any problem and
your desire cools down to normal levels leading to peace of mind by
doing that thing, then do that without any hesitation.” Saying so,
Swami Gyanender retired into silence. And his silence meant the
congregation was over.
By coincidence, I was also present during this discourse. I had
seen her there when she had asked for the reasons of her disturbed
state of mind and its remedy. I saw that a sharp featured; cute-looking,
slim but well-built physique and charmingly complexioned perplexed-
lass seemed to be wavering to and fro under the worldly pressures;
and that is why she had asked for the reasons and remedy of her
disturbed state of mind. I also noted that even though she was not so
grown up, still she was so serious and sensitive to life which made me
to admire her within. I felt an inner urge to meet her. But I could not
because just after the discourse she had rushed out swiftly.


10. ~ 10 ~
Chapter-2
Sambhavana was Muslim by birth. These were perhaps the
sanskars of her previous birth that ever since her childhood, she was
so much devoted to Lord Krishan that no one could even know when
she transformed herself from Noor to Sambhavana. Those who had
seen and known her say that the more her religious family tried to
oppose her leanings towards Krishan, the more faith in Hindu religion
she gradually developed. Her all family members were used to take
breakfast without having bath but Noor: She never took a grain of
corn until she took her bath and offered prayers to her Kanha.
Whether fine or ill, winters or summers: It was her daily routine. She
could never let any deviation creep into it.
The family was religious but not fundamental and respected other
religions too equally as it respected its own. Her father Fateh Ali
Khan, assuming if Noor does not find the idol of her Lord Krishan in
her small temple she would stop worshipping Him, used to quietly
take the idol with all honours and hand it over to the priest of the
nearby temple. But Noor was radically devoted to her Lord. She used
to get up at 4 early in the mornings and after taking her bath she
would stand before the small temple which she had made in the small
shelf of a wall and would be fully absorbed in her prayers for not less
than two hours daily. If she did not find her Lord in the temple, she
would burst into tears crying for Him and until a new idol was bought,
brought and placed before her in the temple to perform her usual puja,
she would neither talk to anyone nor would take a morsel of food.
Such was Noor’s unflinching faith and inimitable devotion to her
Lord. It seemed as if Noor was not the mortal Noor but Noor (aura) of
Lord Krishan Himself.
The family members and the neighbours would often suggest her
parents to marry her off at the earliest because no one knew when she
might convert to Hinduism and may become a kafir.
At last the father took the hard decision one day which the fathers
usually take after seeing the things going out of their hands. Since it
was also widely rumoured that Noor was also involved romantically

11. ~ 11 ~
with a Hindu boy, her father arranged for the marriage of the teenaged
Noor top secretly with a youth from his own religion.
The rumour was not unfounded. Actually Shankar used to sing
songs especially of Lord Krishan with such devotion and in such a
melodious voice that most of the audiences used to fall under his
sway. And Noor was herself the noor (aura) of Lord Krishan. She fell
for Shankar as well. All efforts were made that Noor does not come to
know at all about her marriage. But as the Ishq (love) and Mushk
(scent) can never remain hidden forever, similarly the nature also
reveals all the designs of antagonists of lovers in time so that the latter
could put their love to tests and come out of it unscathed.
Then it happened exactly as it was expected. Since Noor was
deeply devoted to her Lord Krishan similarly she was fully lost to her
lover Shankar. Just before the marriage she left her house with
Shankar in such a manner that no one could know about it or about the
place where she disappeared or hid with her lover. She was searched
everywhere. But Noor along with her lover had left no clue behind
and it looked as if both were either devoured by the earth or melted
away in the skies. No one could know where they were.
And how could anyone? Within a night she had not only left her
home with her lover but also had disappeared quietly into the vales of
Mussorie via Dehradun wherein holding their hands in hands, they
danced and sang; jumped and hopped to such an extent that they were
dead tired thereafter. Thereafter peeping into each other’s eyes and
losing in each other’s arms they used to start their several hours long
and tireless love-games.
Noor was really Noor. Coupled with her romance-filled tight
embraces and gay and sensual kisses, she would play long lasting love
games with her Shankar like a fish gamboling in the ocean of love and
romance. She hunted for and tasted each part of his body with her
quixotic restless nimble fingers and filled her lover’s erotic life with
more and more fun. The lover Shankar too would never lag behind. At
this he would lap her romantically into his strong arms and would
return at least four times more of each of her hugs, each of her kisses
and each of her love-games. He would hunt for and measure each high
and low contours of Noor’s body. Aroused by these romantic antics of

12. ~ 12 ~
her lover, Noor would leave herself sluggishly swinging into
Shankar’s strong arms; and would relish and welcome each potent and
erotic force on her body. When Shankar took her into his tight
embrace and pressed her hard, she would be filled with ecstatic joys;
and craving and sighing impatiently for more, she quite often would
call upon him to repeat and repeat saying, “Oh Shankar! Once
more….once more….” After every round of romance, her body would
be left badly bruised and severely aching but still her thirst remained
unquenched and she would be longing for more and more.
It continued for about one year. Both were flying into the infinite
skies of romance like a pair of swans. Enjoying each moment, none of
the two could know when one full year passed! Actually it happens so
when the lovers meet. Even time seems to stop.
After one year when they returned to their town, the ill-prepared
Noor was holding a cute, healthy and dusky baby whom she had
named Manmohan after her deity Lord Krishan and she had
transformed herself from Noor to Sambhavana. Now she was fully
devoted to the two: Her baby and her lover Shankar.
Shankar vetoed her proposal of changing her name several times
telling her that he loves and likes her as Noor and there was no need to
change her name. But Noor was Noor: Once she decided to go for
anything, she would never budge from her resolve. Shankar also had
to bow before her firm resolution to change her name and she was
changed from Noor to Sambhavana.
On their arrival, the elders of both the communities joined
together and declared, “Whatever happened, let it be taken as God’s
will and therefore both the youths should be given their blessings.”
Thus the wise elders saved the society from blood-bath. Some
miscreants present in both the communities tried to ignite the
communal fire by giving air to this romantic affair but wisdom
prevailed upon foolishness and the peace loving people at last heaved
a sigh of relief.
But the lover who was by now “dead” as a lover and had turned
into a husband, proved good for nothing and did the same what the
male-lovers usually do after their love-mania is over. The end result of

13. ~ 13 ~
this love affair was the small baby who was in Sambhavana’s lap and
the entire responsibility of upbringing of the infant had fallen on the
weak shoulders of half-educated Sambhavana. In her prime of wedded
life, she was left alone to fend herself and bring up her baby which
was the main reasons of her disturbed state of mind expressed before
Swamiji after four-five years of her troubles.


14. ~ 14 ~
Chapter-3
Routi vghnely the twenty five year old husband left the house
daily with an excuse to find work for him and Sambhavana was left
behind alone feeling suffocated and shedding tears on her fate. The
husband loitered with vagabonds here and there the whole day and
returned at night fully inebriated and empty handed. Leave earning a
single penny; he had also taken away the small money left with
Sambhavana on one pretext or the other. Now his hawk’s eyes were
on her three-four trinkets. Sambhavana as a good and ideal Indian
wife tried her best to bring him home. She told him almost daily that
he was on wrong side of the path and kept attempting that he sees the
reason; and returns to the right side but all went in vain. She also tried
to draw his attention and affection towards his baby pleading for his
life and future. It too failed. She reminded him of their love. But all
her invocations fell flat and her hopes for a bright future for her or her
child dashed to the ground. Dog’s tail is after all a dog’s tail. It will
remain crocked whatever one may do. If the tail gets straightened then
what kind of dogs’ tails it is? So the husband of our heroine too
remained crocked like a dog’s tail. Completely tired of her futile
attempts and thoroughly heart-broken due to cheatings of Shankar, she
had to compromise with whatever was in her fate.
Her parent-side was not only furious due to her elopement with a
youth out of her religion but also was after her life for the bad name
she had brought to the family in particular and the community in
general. Her parents had taken their daughter’s elopement to their
heart so much and they were so much heart-broken at that that they
had left the world for ever within a year of the shocking event. Her
brothers considered her an eye-sore. Still, Sambhavana alias Noor
reminded her brothers of their sweet childhood memories, emphasised
on their blood relation, prostrated before them and begged for her
pardon but the result was cipher. Brothers kept rooted to their ire and
envy. All these ups and downs in the prime of her life occurred so
rapidly that she did not get even a chance to decide what to do. All her
hopes to get support from any possible corner were shattered. Her
dreams were dashed to the ground. Relations were broken. She was
left in the vast world completely alone. She was devastated.

15. ~ 15 ~
Having no option left, she at last approached her in laws,
spluttered and stuttered, cried and wailed; and shed tears pitifully
before them and tried to arouse their affections at least for their only
grand-son. But the stone is after all a stone! They behaved stone like.
When she noticed that they too were unmoved, she threw her beloved
baby Manmohan into their lap and came back home. But the in-laws
were no less shameless. They rushed after her with the baby and
handed over the child back to her again as if they had no blood
relations with him!
Now Sambhavana was left cursing herself in loneliness. Being a
woman what more she could do except crying or cursing herself
because the women’s history is witness to the bitter truth that only
they had to suffer due to the fallouts of their affairs involving their
heart? But as the readers know well that Sambhavana was not made of
the stuff which easily loses heart, she firmly resolved not to keep any
relations with her husband anymore otherwise she would be burdened
with more responsibilities every year and this was not at all acceptable
to her now. She had already tasted the consequences of her one-sided
love for Shankar. She had no more grit to tread further on such an
adventurous path. She hired a small house and taking a few things
with her, she left her husband forever in the prime of her life.
The esteemed readers know very well how much firm-determined
she was! And even the rocks have to pave way for those who are
rocklike. Though she was still unfazed but the insensitivities of
Shankar had broken her undoubtedly into pieces. No doubt that she
was downcast with the unfortunate events but she had not lost her
heart to accept defeat so easily. That is why she had accepted to
swallow the bitter pill of separation.
It is a universal truth that broken hearted people have only two
options. Either they turn to be poets or revolt against the entire
system. Sumitrananadan Pant, the famed Hindi poet also confirms it in
one of his couplets : Virahi hoga pahla kavi, aah se upja hoga gaan (The
first poet ought to have been lovelorn and heartbroken and therefore
the wails from his heart must have flowed out to make his first song)
or they turn revolutionaries: Revolt against traditions, protest against
customs, rebel against families, uprise against system, and sometimes

16. ~ 16 ~
they revolt even against the Creator of the universe because nothing
soothes them during those sad moments when they feel cheated and
deceived by the near and dear. Our esteemed readers know very well
that being less educated, our heroine could never have turned to
composing poetry; so she went for the second option and jumped into
the inferno of protests against the social system and even her deity
Lord Krishan.
Kicking the male dominated society she set out to stand on her
own feet. The patriarchal system especially her husband’s anti-social
group raised a hue and cry against her in the beginning but facing the
situation singlehandedly and boldly, she did not budge even an inch
from her self-taken decisions and stood her ground firmly. Tired and
humiliated by her stiff resistance, everyone fell into line. It is
absolutely true when women take a firm resolution to do anything,
they can achieve the unachievable. She had won the battle on one
front but she was still to step towards earning well for an honourable
livelihood.
Oh! The depraved women!
It was really better for her that the realities of her husband came
to her notice so soon. Had she remained under her illusions, nobody
knows how many Manmohans might have landed into her lap and we
might have to give lots of twists and turns to our story. We being
writers might have succeeded in managing the further developments
and might have been successful in manipulating our story. But what
might have happened of and to poor Sambhavana, neither her brothers
could have guessed nor her deity Lord Krishan helped her. We too
might have been groping into the dark alleys of our story to find
solutions to her fresh problems.
Its good and favourable outcome was her self-realisation that she
was miserably alone in this vast, heartless and cruel world and it will
be like living in a fool’s paradise to expect any help from it just like
expecting to extract oil from dried gingili seeds. She felt as if she had
reached a crossroad from where several roads are leading to various
directions but she was standing utterly confused unable to decide
which road she ought to take for her livelihood and her son’s good.

17. ~ 17 ~
It was this confusing situation when she had lost her faith even in
her Lord Krishan. Her family had earlier tried to block her way to
Krishan-worship; but neither could they do anything nor did her
unflinching faith in Him ever waver. She had never let anyone block
her way to her Lord. The family had also quietly tried to marry her
off. She had not only protested against that in her peculiar method but
also had found an effective way to get rid of that situation. Even after
leaving her parents for her love she had encountered lots of difficulties
but she never lost her heart and had always faced them boldly. She
had accepted all of them in a normal manner and never had expressed
any ill-will against anyone. But what Shankar, her special one for
whom she dared everyone and made her enemy, had done with her
had unsettled her completely. That is why she had lost her faith in her
Kanha and deserted Him as well.
It was because she was herself feeling deserted today: Deserted
by her lover-husband, abandoned by kith and kin and left in the lurch
by her Lord. It will rather be appropriate if we say that her entire
world was completely shattered. She had lost all interests in the world.
Food seemed bitter, tasteless and poisonous to her as if she had almost
lost her appetite. She was today battling her war alone in this vast
world. There was neither any one to counsel her nor anyone she could
trust on.
This was the moment when she recalled her mother advising her
quite often, “Beti Noor! There may be revolutionary changes in the
society but always remember the world never changes for the
women.” And she used to give no ear to her. Laughing at the
suggestion she would counter her, “Ammijan, what old traditions of
yore you are speaking about? Today everyone: Men or women are
equal. There is no discrimination. You need not worry.” At this her
mother would heave a long sigh of discomfort and our heroine got
respite from her coaxing. But the same wise guiding words were now
echoing in her ears today. Alarmed at these voices echoing in her
inner self, she would put her hands on her ears. She quite often feels
as if her mother has been still counselling her from her heavenly
abode, “Noor, I had told you several times that the times never change
for the women. Whatever happens to them, they have to face them all
alone. But Beti you never listened to me. You always turned a deaf ear

18. ~ 18 ~
to me. Now dear daughter, I can only pray to Allah Mian to provide
all relief to you that you deserve. Be courageous Beti. Have you not
heard that God helps only those who help themselves?”
And at this Noor would be feeling ashamed within, used to lower
her eyes and gaze at the ground. On the other hand she felt that her
mother’s words echoing in her have been giving her a lot of inner
strength and relief. She felt as if her mother’s silent counselling has
been filling her with fresh vigour and a new moon of hope is rising.
So she gathered all her courage, buckled her waist and resolved to
resume her unfinished studies so that she could be able to stand on her
own feet and never had to beg for help from this cruel world. She had
realised that there is no other way except to self-support herself and
her baby. She felt highly bolstered up at this; and now she keeps
hoping that her mother’s advice continues to guide her and light her
life in the same manner as it did a few moments ago.


19. ~ 19 ~
Chapter-4
The evening she left her husband’s house and came to stay in her
hired house to set up her new home, she could not sleep that night for
a pretty long time. She was unable to decide whether making love was
curse or deceiving other one after making love. And if anyone is not
capable of keeping promises given to the other why after all they go
for love? Is it not the desecration of the best gift of the God? If she is
in trouble today, who is responsible for it? She herself or Shankar or
that All-powerful about whom is said that even a single leaf does not
move without His consent? Unable to decide, she quite often started
cursing sometimes herself, at other Shankar and ultimately her Kanha.
At this stage she would question herself many a times why she should
keep worshipping Him. Pondering over these tricky issues, she knew
not when she fell asleep.
Soon after she fell asleep her Krishan was before His devotee:
Clad in ochre attire and standing in the captivating curved posture.
Face bearing charming smile, flute on lips, peacock crown on His
head and ensnaring looks. But today His mesmerizing image had had
no effect on Sambhavana. And, why and how it could have? She had
already been simmering with anger and harbouring grouses against
Him. She was fully prepared for the moment when He does appear
before her, how she would lodge her protests and complaints before
Him.
And tonight as she got the long cherished opportunity, she was
not ready to let go the chance unavailed. As He appeared before her,
she pounced upon Him. But Kanha was used to listening grouses:
Grouses of two mothers, grouses of Radha, grouses of hundreds of
Gopies, grouses of Surdas, grouses of Mira, grouses of Raskhan: And
now the grouses of Sambhavana. She was hurling select accusations at
Krishan and He kept displaying and dispersing His captivating smile.
And when Sambhavana was left with no more complaints and
accusations, she had to keep quiet for a while as if to take rest. At this
Krishan said, “Any more grouses Sambhavana?”

20. ~ 20 ~
Hearing it Sambhavana again burst into rage and said, “Are You
really concerned with my problems or just spreading salt on the burnt
part of my body? When You know nothing on whom and what
cruelties are being hurled by whom, then how do You adorn Yourself
with the title of Trikaldarshi (All-knowing)?”
“When did I put such claims? These adjectives are given by you
people. I am not at all responsible for this.”
“But You claim to be Sarvshaktishali (All-powerful). Are You
not responsible for giving protection to Your devotees? Why do You
leave them in lurch and see them writhing with pain? Why don’t You
take steps to punish the perpetrators?” Sambhavana hurled second
volley of her questions at Krishan altogether.
“This title too has been given by you people. May be you are
right! But why do you forget that after I had to land on your earth, the
perpetrators did not spare even me. My mother was put in jail even
before my birth. I was born in the prison. Just after my birth I was
separated from my mother. I was brought up at the house of some
Nand Baba. Even there several conspiratorial attempts were made to
kill me. I was not let to live in Gokul in peace. I had to run to
Mathura. There I wanted to live peacefully but I was driven out from
there too. And after that I do not exactly remember when, where and
how many times I had to run from one place to other?”
“This means that I kept worshipping You in vain for several
years. When You Yourself are in such a miserable situation, have
been running and hiding here and there like cowards what protection
can You provide to the sufferers? I challenged my entire family just
for You. Do You remember or not? Now I realise I was absolutely
wrong,” Sambhavana said regretting on her foolishness.
“Yes Sambhavana, I remember. I do remember everything very
well. But you also ought to keep it in your mind that no action is
without reaction. What you sow, you will have to reap accordingly.
No effort is without fruits. Whatever is due, you will certainly get it in
return. It is the law of Nature. And yes, one thing I must make very
clear that neither I had, nor I have and nor I will have anything to do
with this process. All that you get are your own wages.”

21. ~ 21 ~
“But enlightening Arjun with fresh knowledge (Gyan) in
Bhagwadgita You had advised him to do his duty without expecting
any fruits. Now You say that fruits are certain. What kind of puzzles
You are now putting forward?”
“There is no puzzle at all Sambhavana. I had counselled Arjun
not to wish for the fruits. When did I say that your action will not bear
any fruits? Fruits you always get and will continue to get in future too.
This is the eternal truth. The kind of actions you engage in will bear
the same kind of fruits. You wish or not wish, accept them willingly
or not, you will have no option except to accept the same.”
“If it is the Nature that does everything then what do You do? I
have heard that the entire universe moves only under Your command.
Where now this Nature has come from?” Expressing her doubts
Sambhavana quipped.
“I am Nature and Nature I am. You are also Nature. And Nature
is you. I am you. You are I. The Nature, the Creator and You: All are
one. They are not different. Sambhavana, do you know if you are not,
how I can be? If you are, only then I am.”
Not falling into the trap of word-games of Krishan but fully
understanding His moves, Sambhavana’s face radiated with childlike
innocent smile. Wisecracking she shot her question at Krishan, “It
means that I am only because of You. Am I right?”
“Well said, very well said Sambhavana!”
Sambhavana had presumed that Krishan will stand to protest
against her. He will oppose her. And she too would pay Him back in
the same coin. She would fight back with Him boldly. She would
strike at Him. And would ask Him why He has brought such drastic
ups and downs in her prime of life. But here was this Krishan who is
readily falling into line on each point of her. Game of dice has
unexpectedly changed. Sambhavana thought of kidding with Krishan,
“Is it that you are called Ranchhodji (Runaway from battlefield)?
Interestingly You came to Your knees so easily before an ordinary
person like me. It neither behoves of You nor seems appropriate.”

22. ~ 22 ~
“I have always been prostrating before my devotees willingly and
with pleasure. What you wish me to do, I act accordingly. What I
wish, you act accordingly. We are not only the doers and but sufferers
too. Then what to complain against any one and to whom?” Saying so
Krishan kept quiet.
And at that very moment Sambhavana woke up from her dream.
She was feeling overwhelmed by the encounter with her Lord. She
bowed automatically before the Invisible. Her face was now glowing
with Krishan-like smile. She was now left with neither any complaints
nor any grouses. And she had quietly taken a vow how to move on.


23. ~ 23 ~
Chapter-5
The God is so kind that He helps everyone without asking. But he
helps only those who help themselves. The readers very well know if
our Sambhavana ever did not lack anything, it was her courageous
approach, her unflinching faith in her and firm resolve to move on.
Why then the Gods would have lagged behind in supporting her?
Sambhavana’s child was very small. Now the problem before her was
who will take care of her baby after she leaves home for her coaching
classes or for work. So she referred her problem to a few of her close
friends.
One of her friends talked to a young widow who herself was
destitute and sent her to Sambhavana making it clear to the former
that she would face no dearth of food and clothing but would not get
any salary because the person with whom she was to live with and
help, was herself a helpless woman who has made up her mind to
study further so that she could stand on her own feet. The widow
accepted the offer gladly saying what she would do of the cash if her
basic needs were met and gets a family atmosphere; and moved in to
stay with Sambhavana and to take full responsibility of looking after
Manmohan. Her name was Radha.
At this our heroine Sambhavana heaved a sigh of relief; and set
about immediately in the direction of creating her own new world.
Besides continuing her studies, she took a job of saleswoman in a
fancy store so as to meet the expenses of daily needs. She went for
work in the day and studied till late night. No one could have
recognised her now wondering whether she was the same yesterday’s
lovelorn naughty, mischievous, playful and romantic lass who was
always lost in the eyes of her lover till a month back and now how she
had transformed herself into a serious student. Someone has rightly
commented that no one knows what all-powerful times may not
compel anyone to engage in? Within her teenage, Sambhavana had to
learn the lessons of maintaining her cool, engage in hard work with
perseverance and firm-determination. So the God also came forward
to help her profusely. Achieving success after success, she moved on
and on; and progressed speedily day by day.

24. ~ 24 ~
First she set out to pass her Senior Secondary examination which
she qualified achieving very good marks. When she was doing
graduation, she joined shorthand and typing classes in which too she
did very well and these skills proved to be useful assets to her future
life. By the time she completed her graduation, she got a job of private
secretary to a senior officer in a multi-national company. Post-
marriage and pre-graduation life of Sambhavana which was full of so
many improbabilities due to her desertion after marriage at an early
age had now been brimming with all probabilities and possible
possibilities and her days of struggle to earn an honourable livelihood
had come to an end.
Her child had also grown up and was now fit for going to school.
She admitted him in a good school. Now Radha had no work to do
and no responsibility to take care of. And after Sambhavana and
Manmohan left home for their office and school respectively, she was
left behind all alone. At first she swept aside Sambhavana’s advice to
start studying saying what she will do after getting educated; but when
Sambhavana persisted and emphasised the importance of education
giving her her-own example and motivated her to face the challenges
of life with a positive look, she got ready to study. Since Radha was
illiterate, it was not an easy job to self-study or teach her at home.
That is why after careful observation of the situation, Sambhavana
decided to coach her with the help of Manmohan’s books which
proved to be not only useful but beneficial also. Radha and
Manmohan started studying together. Radha started getting useful
help and guidance from Manmohan and the latter got a colleague of
his choice who had not only brought him up but also had nurtured
good sanskars in him.
Manmohan was more obedient to Radha than his mother. He
respected her a lot. Both were so much mixed up with each other that
none felt either any shame for or hesitation in studying together. Truly
speaking Radha would never have benefitted more even by taking
admission in a school than what she gained from Manmohan’s
company. He was too intelligent and sharp-minded with very good
memory and he used to help and guide Radha according to whatever
he learnt and grasped at school and Radha would follow him
religiously. Radha actually learnt from Manmohan as if he was a great

25. ~ 25 ~
scholar and she was utterly blank like a starter. This, Radha’s
approach, sent positive signals to the child-tutor which gradually
increased his self-confidence on one hand and on the other Radha
learnt and progressed a lot. Both had got co-travellers of their choice.
Both progressed slowly and steadily and seeing this, Sambhavana
heaved a sigh of relief after so much and continuous strains of several
years of her post-marriage life.
Two-three years passed very peacefully. Fresh troubles raised
their hood when the new officer of Sambhavana started looking at her
with vicious and lustful looks and one day, he surpassed all limits of
civility when he proposed to her to be in bed with him for a night. He
had perhaps smelt her past romantic life with Shankar or these news
might have been intentionally passed on to him; and therefore he
dared to commit the foolish mistake of misjudging her and reckoning
that she would be an easy prey and fall into his trap easily. This is
where he went wrong. Still Sambhavana said very politely and
humbly that she was not a woman of easy virtues who gets ready at all
times to auction her dignity.
But the officer was fully submerged in his lustful day-dreams of
enjoying a colourful night with her. He was not ready to lose the game
so easily. He said, “When you can romance with a worthless person
and later marry with him, then why to object to who is capable of
showering lots of favours on you. I will not let you face any
scarcities.”
Sambhavana with the same cool, composed mood and manner
said, “Sir, there is a lot of difference between love and lust. Kindly
stay within the desirable limits of decency.”
Enraged at the comment the shameless fellow said, “Beware. As
living in oceans and enmity with crocodiles can never co-exist and is
not a well-thought proposition, similarly, enmity with seniors is not a
wise thing. You will be in heavens if you come into my arms
otherwise……..”
“What otherwise? Please speak ahead with utmost care,”
Sambhavana once again cautioned the shameless.

26. ~ 26 ~
The bare-faced and erotic fellows never feel shame. Terrorising
her, the wolf growled once again, “Oh! Even the dependents have
developed guts and dared to gnaw teeth at their masters.”
Sambhavana had heard that one must keep quiet where one can
and hit when it is must and never to let go the opportunity. Noticing
that her modesty was at stake and her individuality was being
challenged, she took the hard decision not to take the things lying
down. Courageous she already was. No one could know at all when
Kalika Devi did enter the socially tortured, individually whipped and
oppressed Sambhavana. Actually she herself was in the dark about it.
Hearing this she suddenly stood up and without caring for the
consequences, gave such a whipping slap on the face of the shameless
fellow that he was completely shaken and taken aback by the
unexpected attack.
The strong muscled Sambhavana gave him not a single moment
to come out of his ruffled state, she came out of his office in a very
cool and calm manner after giving him a sound thrashing and teaching
him a good lesson giving no iota of hint to anyone what had transpired
or happened inside. Bidding goodnight to her colleagues, she returned
home as usual. On that very day she felt disgusted with her office for
the first time. She was daring. She could have quit her job
immediately. But her basic needs and daily responsibilities made her
not to immediately quit the office and to stay on there. She continued
to attend to her work with the same vigour and dutifulness.
The incessant struggles through times had taught Sambhavana
lots of lessons and she had become very wise. She knew very well that
revealing issues of sexual harassment before the people always
increase women’s problems and add to their intensity instead of
mitigating them. The people, instead of extending any help, rather
engage in gossiping and relish passing cheap comments on the
victims; and publicise the same widely resulting in more defame to the
aggrieved. She knew that the men lose nothing. So she did not
mention the incident to anyone. She did not even take her female
colleagues into confidence. All were unknown to that episode. And
the officer had neither the face nor courage to say anything about the

27. ~ 27 ~
thrashing he had got and that too from his own female private
secretary.
Now the officer was on the horns of his dilemma. In modern
jargon we may say he was in a catch-22 situation. He felt highly
humiliated. Sometimes he cursed himself, sometimes his conduct,
sometimes his judgement in understanding Sambhavana and at other
his bête noire. He could neither digest the humiliation nor could take
any action against her. Neither could he swallow the insult nor could
he vomit it. And when Sambhavana moved fearlessly like warriors
with her inflated bosom and face upward before him, the officer
further felt highly humiliated and degraded; but could do nothing.
Moreover, Sambhavana had made up her mind that she would quit
that job as soon as she gets an opportunity elsewhere. And that turning
point came sooner than she might have ever expected.


28. ~ 28 ~

29. ~ 29 ~
Chapter-6
It so happened that I had joined as Principal in a degree college in
her city. The college was very big. So in order to improve my working
I wanted a stenographer. We had inserted an advertisement for the
same in the local dailies and Sambhavana had sent her application in
its response.
When the file of the applications was put up before me after
scrutiny and for finalisation of candidates for the test and interview, I
noticed that she was the only candidate who had furnished all the
information in one go as required through the advertisement. She had
given all her academic and professional information in a very neat and
clean handwriting with a handwritten covering letter. I was taken by
surprise to see her photo which too was pasted artfully at the proper
place in a very systematic manner which reflected her unique and
matchless personality. Besides, her application had been beaming with
honest expressions. It has generally been observed that candidates are
evasive when giving complete information or exaggerate while
applying to influence the employers.
But there was nothing of this sort in Sambhavana’s application.
She had given all the information candidly without concealing
anything including her family history which showed her self-
confidence. The most significant thing which I had liked was that she
had sent her application by ordinary post that too without photocopies
of her testimonials. In place of the documents she had furnished a
separate declaration testifying the veracity of the contents of the
application and taking its full responsibility. It also showed openness,
truthfulness, honesty, frugality and economy which suited to my
nature.
I do not know how her immoral and promiscuous officer got the
wind that she had applied in our college. He telephoned me and
blurted out what not speaking against her. Labeling her a woman of
easy virtues, he cautioned me further that confirmed my faith on the
applicant under reference? His childish and foolish approach had
rather firmed up the possibilities of Sambhavana’s selection in our
institution on the one hand and on the other it filled me up with
remorse against the male psyche. Now I was fully sure that the

30. ~ 30 ~
applicant, who the officer had criticised, was a person of self-respect
and integrity. The officer must have done something wrong with her
which she might have resisted and protested; as a result of which the
officer had got biased and that was why he was speaking against her
in revenge. It seemed as if something is not only wrong but fishy too.
I said, “Okay Mr…..”
“You may call me Khan. Please drop in at my place any day. The
educated especially the outsiders should remain in touch with each
other. Who knows when any one of us may require help of other one
in case of a dire need,” her former officer said.
Accepting his invitation I requested him to explain the matter in
detail so as to enable me to appraise the candidate properly especially
at the time of interview.
At this he said, “Nothing very special. But she has a very loose
character. And your college, being co-educational where young boys
and girls get education together, can never afford to keep such a
promiscuous woman. Nothing can be said what impact her character
will have on the young minds? You are the Principal there. If anything
goes wrong then it will have a direct impact on your career as well as
image.”
Thanking him, I assured the caller that we shall take the most
appropriate decision without overlooking his suggestions. “Whatever
information that you have given, I am thankful to you,” I added and
disconnected the line.
We had called other three candidates along with Sambhavana.
She had secured the highest marks in the written test, typing test as
well as in shorthand. She was selected on merits and we had appointed
her in our college.
I thought to myself what strange games the nature plays? The one
with whom I was eager to meet and speak after the discourse of
Swamiji was today coming on her own. She did not know me and I
also did not consider it appropriate to tell her immediately that I know
her.

31. ~ 31 ~
As Sambhavana got the appointment letter, she resigned from her
job and started working with us. She was perfect in her job, so I never
faced any problem. She kept all the assignments complete even before
asking. She gained the confidence of one and all very soon.
I was new in her city. I was staying alone. Therefore I needed a
cook. In spite of extensive search, we had failed to find a suitable
person and the problem was still unresolved. It had been pestering me
since I joined the college. One day as I was sitting in my office and
mentally struggling with the nagging problem, suddenly she came in.
She saw me sitting worried. She asked, “Sir, what is the matter? You
look to be very much serious.”
I narrated my problem to her.
Brimming with full confidence and ease she said, “Sir, is it such a
big problem? Why did you not tell me earlier? It would have been
certainly resolved by now.”
And just after two three days she was at my doors with a boy. The
boy looked sharp and smart. That day he prepared our food. She
stayed back to inspect and ensure his cooking acumen and skills
herself and to judge his preparations.
That day we dined together. At first she was not prepared to eat
with us. But I was really very grateful to her for the long sought after
timely help. So when I urged her repeatedly to take meals, she sat
down to have it with us. As she agreed to my proposal, I liked it very
much and felt gratified. Why I do not know? Moreover, I felt as if I
have paid a bit back for her timely help she had extended to me in my
dire need.
Only on that day I got to know that Sambhavana was very
humorous too. Her love episodes and escapades thereafter had been
served before me by several backbiters even before she had joined
with us. But I strongly felt that such matters of heart are too personal
to be peeped into or interfered with by others. I had been of strong
opinion that others do not have any right to discuss them or pass
comments on them.

32. ~ 32 ~
As she settled down on the dining table she said, “Sir, whenever
anyone asks me to have meals or eat anything with him, I have to be
very cautious and think several times whether I should accept the
offer? You know Sir that a burnt child dreads the fire.”
Her last comment made me to think of the famous dialogue in
film Pakeeza which took place between the grandfather and the hero
when he says, “Afsos log doodh se bhi jal jate hain (Alas! The people
get burnt even by milk)” Laughing I repeated the same comment
before her.
At this she laughed hilariously and said, “Sir, the people get
scalded more by the milk because they do not have any idea how
much hot the milk is? And the ladies are more foolish in this context. I
am also one of them.”
It seemed to me and felt strongly assured that Sambhavana was a
queen of humour because pure humour is only that which is hurled at
the self or when the human beings laugh at their own follies. But most
of the people misunderstand it quite often and they think that laughing
at others is actually the sense of humour. “How is that? We had
selected you keeping it in mind that you are very intelligent and clever
person. Shall we have to reconsider our decision?” quipping at her I
had said.
“Na Sir Na. Never think like that because I have got a job of my
liking for the first time.”
“Then what is the matter?”
“Sir, once Shankar had invited me to dine with him. The
consequences of that are before you which I have been incessantly
facing till date and Shankar is loitering like a Chhutta (Carefree like
an ox),” She laughed once again boisterously pointing towards
Manmohan who had been accompanying her and was now sitting
before me.
I could not help laughing at the word Chhutta because she had
used that particular word which is generally used by the people for the
bulls roaming from one street to the other. Guffaws of my laughter
which ensued thereafter were painstakingly endless. These fits of

33. ~ 33 ~
laughter unnerved me completely and made my stomach aching.
When those bouts of laughter became unbearable, I somehow
controlled them and said, “Just this much is the matter! That was only
a coincidence.”
“Arey, na Sir na. Just listen! In my previous office my new
officer too invited me to lunch. For courtesy sake, I accepted the offer
and sat with him to have my lunch. The company that I gave him at
the lunch on that day was miscalculated by him thinking that the hen
is trapped.”
What anyone can after all do or not do if the talking style of the
one sitting opposite him is too comic? The bouts of laughter once
again made their attack on me. Composing thereafter for a while I said
that you should have told your officer that you were not of that type of
a woman.
“Arey Sir, what you are talking about? Do you think the
shameless people can be reined in just by gentle talks? I tried not only
to bring the debauchee around but also explained to him the difference
between the lust and love. But when do such shameless understand the
niceties of love and lust; and honour gentle-womanliness? I had to
handle the brute at last with the stick.”
Hearing it I felt very much pained which resulted in my inner
resentment against the entire male community and hatred for their
lustful nature. I was once again aghast at the meanness of the males
who start treating women as their sex-toys in case the latter just share
laughing or just join them at the dining table. I was also pained at the
comparison of the present situation with those previous ones which
Sambhavana had narrated, may be inadvertently and I felt inside as if
she had been comparing me with her faceless former officer. So I felt
it necessary to assure her of her being safe in the present organisation.
Realising the need I said, “Just feel assured. Nothing of that sort
is going to happen here. You may not only take the meals without any
hesitation but also stay as long as you like. You are fully secured with
us.”
“Sir, fully secured I was there too. No one has the courage to
throw just a vicious look at me? But as I was fed up of the nasty

34. ~ 34 ~
conduct of the debauch, I taught him such a lesson that he would
never dare to look at any other woman with such lustful looks.
Second, if I once decide for anything then I do not feel at ease without
doing that whatever may be the consequences. So I quit that office
after teaching the Don Juan a lesson or two which he will never
forget.”
“Now I understand why your former officer had been putting
pressure on me not to select and employ you? How much senseless
and stupid fellow he is!” exposing the old conversation to
Sambhavana I said. Hearing it she was not only astonished to know all
about it but also expressed her gratitude for not listening to him.
Manmohan was listening to our talks with great attention. He said
in his childlike stammering voice, “Mummy, mulgi kaichhe fanchhti
hai? (How is the hen trapped?)
Sambhavana laughed at his quip but kept quiet. I said, “Mian,
don’t worry. As you grow, you will yourself learn mulgi fanchhana
(how to trap the hens)”
The child was really very witty. He said in the same tone, “Untal,
aapto bhi apne aap aa gaya tha tya? (Uncle, did you also learn
yourself)
At this we burst into a hilarious laughter. He had at least
lightened the serious moments that had crept into the atmosphere due
to our serious conversation on promiscuity.


35. ~ 35 ~
Chapter-7
After getting the cook I felt highly relieved and thanked
Sambhavana. But the joy did not last long. Mahesh, the cook
ransacked our house, took the valuables and disappeared never to
return. In spite of intensive search as the cops claimed, he could never
be traced thereafter. Though I had suggested Sambhavana not to
inform the police, she went on doing so for which she had to bear the
brunt herself for several days only because it was she who had
brought him in our household. Police suspected that she too was in
collusion with the thief. The police left her questioning only after I
assured of her unblemished record time and again.
I do not know whether the police tried to trace and catch the thief
or not, but he remained untraced and so was never to be caught. Then
where could we get our stolen articles from? The unfortunate event
slipped into oblivion. Our problem cropped up once again.
On these quick turns of events, Sambhavana had felt too much
ashamed. She was reeling under her self-guilty-conscience. I tried
several times to bring her out of the inner struggle she had been
undergoing but all my efforts went in vain. One day when I was trying
to assuage her feelings she said, “Sir, it was my mistake not to verify
the antecedents of the cook and I will have to pay the price for your
losses. Mistake is after all a mistake and one has to bear its
consequences.”
I was also tired of bringing her around my point. So all of a
sudden I responded to her comment, “Okay. Whatever price you want
to pay, you may but stay happy. I do not like a humorous person like
you with long and pulled up face.”
And from the very next day she started paying the price for my
loss in own queer manner. As I came out of the bathroom after taking
shower, the small boy Aman who had been staying with me, told me
that Sambhavana aunty had come and she had been preparing the food
for us. I was awestruck. At that eventful moment, I could not
understand anything what to say, what to do or how to react?
Therefore, I took my breakfast quietly and asking Sambhavana
also to take hers, I left for the college. She too was to reach college! I

36. ~ 36 ~
did not feel it appropriate to take her with me. I wanted to discourage
her from the emotional but unsavoury decision of cooking our meals
she had taken. So by not taking her with me to college seemed to me
the right way of dissuading her from it. I thought when she would be
late in reaching the college daily; she would herself drop her self-
chosen strategy of paying for our loss.
From the next day she started coming on her personal scooter.
When my strategy failed I called her one day in my office and
said, “Sambhavana, what have you started doing this? What the
people will say? What will the management think of you as well as
me?”
Sambhavana was perhaps ready for such a situation. She replied
very briefly and in a very measured way, “I have talked with the
management and I damn care for others. Therefore there is nothing to
worry about.”
And she continued with her self-assigned duty without any let up.
But I took up every care of making it my daily routine to take
bath, get ready and sit outside in the lawn with any book or the
newspaper before she arrived. She noted it very soon.
The routine went on without any hitch. After preparing our
breakfast she would come out herself and bowing in a Lucknowi style
with respect she would say, “The meal is ready Sir, come and take it
or I need to bring it outside.” Appreciating her style with a smile I
quietly followed her. I do not know what charms and pulls were in her
manner and conduct that made me to follow her.
Reaching the dining table, I would take my breakfast in silence.
She would serve with full affections. By now she had learnt about my
preferences. Lukewarm water was there on the table. She would keep
the curd ready after garnishing it with roasted cumin seeds, black salt
and black pepper. She would prepare steaming hot paranthas and serve
to me one by one. As I finished the breakfast, she would come running
with a towel so that I may wipe my hands dry.
If she could not present the towel due to rush of work or any other
reason, she would offer the corner of her sari and urge me to wipe my

37. ~ 37 ~
hands dry with that which I never liked. But she still solicited again
and again. There used to be an earnest solicitation in her affectionate
request. At this I quite often used to put my hand on her head giving
my blessings. And in response she would say, “Sir, I am blessed.
Kindly keep showering your blessings on me just like this.”
Her affectionate solicitations, “The meal is ready Sir, come and
take it or I need to bring it outside” even though were highly moving
still it made one thing very clear to me that she did not appreciate my
sitting outside. But sitting inside was never preferable and appreciable
to me because if anyone comes under the scanner of the hawks-eye of
the society, then the affected one has no way at all. Very outlandish is
this world! Who has been undergoing what sufferings, troubled with
any illnesses or is a victim of hunger is never its concern. But if
anyone heaves a sigh of relief, gets a chance to take a breath of fresh
air or gets a bit of comforts it becomes intolerable to it. It cannot see
anyone progressing or flourishing. And if any man or woman comes
under scrutiny of its sharp and dissecting looks then feel assured that
not only the life of both but also of their entire families will become
virtually hell. Under such social circumstances the learned readers
may tell me whether it was wrong for me to sit studying outside while
she was working in the kitchen?
This way we were both safe from the whip like tongues of the
society. Though, the social criticism was not good for me too as I was
an outsider there and I could have sustained it by easily brushing it
aside; but for Sambhavana who was to stay and survive there for her
entire life, could have created virtually a hell. So I was more sensitive
and concerned to her and worried about her reputation.
But Sambhavana’s daredevilry was unmatchable. She looked not
at all worried: Absolutely unconcerned. She was carefree to such an
extent that it would not have been an exaggeration if she was labelled
as quixotic. Wore whatever she got, ate whatever was available and
was happy with whatever comes her way. Though she was carefree to
the hilt but all this was blended with her unique personality and
remarkable qualities; and these traits were at least not out of my sight.
I was rather confused at times to note if she ever cares for herself or
not. She reached my residence exact at 6 in the morning; prepared the

38. ~ 38 ~
breakfast and served it to us by 6.30 and after finishing her left over
works, she would reach the college by 7. In the afternoon she would
leave the college fifteen minutes earlier, reach my residence and
prepare the lunch before I reached, changed and washed my face.
Then she would serve the lunch to us and by the time we finished, she
would complete her sundry chores and leave for her residence by 2
p.m. It had become her routine and surprisingly, I never noticed any
exertion or any dejection on her face. So devoted was she to me. Her
punctuality was remarkable and the people had started setting their
watches by her timetable.
After much persuasion she had started taking breakfast at my
residence but she would always take her lunch with her child. Since I
remembered her comment she had once made and which I had found
appropriate too “Sir, lunch I would take only with my Manmohan” I
had stopped her asking to take lunch with us. It seemed as if she saw
in Manmohan the reflection of her deity “Manmohan.” Once she had
mentioned it also, “The positive aspect of my love-affair is that I got
my Manmohan. Earlier I used to offer to the Idol now I feed the
apparent Manmohan.”
Not only that, my habit of sitting outside after taking bath before
she reached my house and her practice of calling me inside in an
accusing manner was still continuing. Neither I was ready to make
any changes in it nor was she ready to stop her satirical way of calling
me inside for breakfast. Moreover it was absolutely clear from her
cutting remarks that she did not like my sitting outside and studying.
Maintaining the dignity, she had never discussed it openly with me
but had never missed any opportunity too to express her ire or
disapproval in her particular manner which I liked due to her Lucknowi
style.


39. ~ 39 ~
Chapter-8
One thing was quite clear. Sambhavana was firm on her
resolutions. The spirit of love, affection, devotion and dedication had
seeped into each drop of her blood gradually. The sacrifices for her
lover, affections for her son Manmohan, devotion, adoration and
dedication to her deity Manmohan and now continuous selfless
service to me is the testimony of her qualities she possessed. My faith
and trust in her kept increasing day by day.
But, in spite of her strong caliber I had noted whenever we had an
opportunity to dwell upon any matter, it seemed to me from her
expressions as if she was hollow, ungratified and stunted within. It
seemed to me as if she was not at all interested in the physical world
and was unenthusiastic about her personal needs. With it I was
reminded of her question before the Swamiji a few years ago, “I go to
temple. Perform puja. I read Ramayan and Bhagwad Gita daily. I
often go to Goverdhan for a foot-journey round it. Still I remain
disturbed. How after all shall I get peace?” It seemed to me as if
being disturbed she had still been struggling within. At this I usually
thought of her past and further queried myself how much and by what
time one could keep bearing all the sufferings all alone? An end after
all has to come and ought to come certainly to keep the mental
balance!
Still she was undergoing her life journey with full zeal as if she
was made only to perform her duties, serve others religiously and had
no concerns about herself and for her rights. It was perhaps her
unconcerned attitude towards her rights that keep inspiring her to use
all her energies on doing her duties well and focus on fulfilling her
commitments without any complaints against anyone. But it was too
queer for me to understand: Full of contradictions.
Dejected and frustrated people generally lose their health. But it
was not in case of Sambhavana. Her fine red lips, large black eyes,
long slender neck, attractive pointed nose, buxom bosom matching
with her wasp-waist and full-blooded arse and mesmerising youth
were adding to her beauty manifold and made her more charming than
ever. She was not only blessed with her body-beautiful but also had
charming mannerism, fascinating expressions, easy on-the-eye gait,

40. ~ 40 ~
courteous behaviour, fascinating persona and captivating eye-gestures
which were capable of conquering thousands of hearts. I had already
been an appreciator of her good conduct, attractive personality and
excellence. And as she started extending her help in handling our
kitchen, I had got a chance to see, observe, study and understand her
more closely. I felt proud of our decision to select and appoint her in
our college.
Dear readers! Don’t you too realise the oddities and
contradictions in Sambhavana’s personality? On one side she was
highly dedicated, on the other absolutely indifferent especially to
herself. Punctual like a clock on one side but carefree at the other.
Rattling hollow inside but having perfect health. Bound to her chores
voluntarily on one hand and on the other was frolicsome.
Once cholera broke out in the city and she also happened to fall
victim to the contagious disease. For several days she could not come
to the college, therefore coming to my residence was out of question.
In her illness too, she remained too much worried about us. So she
started sending Radha to our residence to help us. Radha came in a
rickshaw, stayed at my residence till noon and only could return after
serving lunch to us. It had become a routine with her. Till she stayed
with us, Sambhavana was left alone in her illness which worried me
very much.
When I tried to give Radha rickshaw fare she told me that Didiji
had given the fare in lump sum direct to the rickshaw puller in
advance. When I asked about Sambhavana’s health she said, “Her
condition is almost the same. There is no improvement.”
It continued for some more time. I kept enquiring from Radha
about Sambhavana’s health almost daily. When I realised that the
illness is unduly prolonging and my conscience started pricking me
for not visiting our well-wisher even once and not taking due care of
her, I took her address from Radha and went one evening to see her.
Sambhavana was so much moved to see me coming and worrying
about her that her eyes visibly welled up. She said, “Sir, you had to
take the trouble. I shall be very sorry throughout my life for it. Which

41. ~ 41 ~
and when an officer visits his subordinates like this? It seems to me as
if my Divinity has Himself come.”
At this I was also overwhelmed. I said, “Sambhavana! I am not
one of those officers who feel ashamed in visiting even their suffering
colleagues. But the comparison with Divinity that you have made is
an exaggeration. I do not deserve that. I am a human being, want to
stay as one and wish to remain the same in future also; and I cited my
couplet: Farishta kah kar na do tum mujhe gaali, Insan hi bana rahun, bas
yahi ek tamanna hai. (Do not abuse by calling me an angel, let me
remain a human-being.)
“Vah! Vah!! Vah!!! What a sher (Couplet)! Still it is your
greatness Sir. I do not know whether you are getting proper meals or
not. This nauseating disease has made my life virtually a hell. How
much I wish if I had not fallen ill!”
I consoled her, “You are unnecessarily worrying. We are getting
not only proper meals but in time also.” I could not help joking at this
point and said, “And yes, the meals that we are getting these days are
also tastier than earlier.”
Sambhavana was not to stay behind. “Why will it not be tastier?
A more beautiful and youthful cook is there to prepare them. But you
still keep sitting outside,” quipping so, she laughed boisterously which
caused her a violent bout of cough.
Radha was in the kitchen. So I quickly stood up, went to
Sambhavana and gave a mild patting on her back. Besides I asked
Aman, the child accompanying with me, to bring a glass of lukewarm
water from the kitchen. I gave her a few sips of that water too. By
patting or by the sips of lukewarm water, the fits of cough mellowed
down and were soon under control. She quipped again, “Sir, your
patting is miraculous. The cough has made my life virtually a hell.
Had I known the miraculous effects of this patting-treatment earlier, I
would have approached you sooner and have taken it.”
I felt as if she was taking a bit of more liberty. It suddenly
reminded me of my principle if one sees any disease or a woman
approaching nearer, one ought to take timely remedial steps to check
them. So I said, “Sambhavana, it is not only my patting miraculous.

42. ~ 42 ~
Just test sometime how much miraculous is my slap too. Whoever
gets it, it is certain that no disease will ever bother him throughout his
lifetime. Evergreen health is assured.”
I had thought that it would shut her mouth. But it could not at all.
My guess proved wrong. She said, “I wish if that day too comes
sooner! I have been waiting for that since long.”
“Don’t worry. Such negative wishes are fulfilled very soon. But
better to leave it to time and chance. It is well-known that even death
does not come by asking. And my smack is costlier than death. How
will you get it so easily and so soon?”
At this she gave a faint smile but kept unusually quiet. I was
surprised. I looked at her. She naughtily moved her eyes to and fro
and maintained her silence.
By now Radha had served tea to us. Wishing her of speedy
recovery after tea, I took leave of her. She tried to stand up to see me
off. At this I extended my hand and made her sit on the bed again. My
right hand was on her shoulder. She caught it gently and moving it
from the shoulder she slipped it onto her left cheek and lips; and
gently kissed it.
I returned home very much disturbed and perturbed. My being
was cursing me saying, “You should not have gone to see her.” The
heart countered, “Are you so inhuman? What was the harm in visiting
her at all? Is there any evil if anyone gets relief just by holding your
hand and get her body touched? You believe God is in each particle.
Just take it easy and think as if whatever is happening, it is happening
with Him and happening just by His will.”
But the fight between the head and heart continued.
Sambhavana’s changing profile and her attitude towards me were very
much baffling to me. Her gradually increasing sensual attachments
with me seemed highly inappropriate. Her earlier reverential
affections to me looked more harmonious, proper, pious and decorous.
Before going to bed I firmly resolved to discuss it with her before it
was too late.


43. ~ 43 ~

44. ~ 44 ~
Chapter-9
Strange! Sambhavana was in the college the very next day. Was it
a coincidence or good effect of my meeting her that she had started
feeling alright overnight? She had sent Radha to my residence as usual
to avoid tiresome kitchen work. Reaching the college, first of all she
came to meet me. She said, “Sir, it will take two-three days more
before I am fully well. Till then Radha will continue to come for your
help. I believe it will not cause any problem.”
I raised my head and looked at her; and then into her eyes to
know what after all she meant. Even Brahmaji is said to have not
properly understood woman till date. Then I was highly
inexperienced. How could I have understood her so easily? My doubts
proved true very soon. I noticed a mischievous question floating in her
eyes as if asking me, “Tell me Sir. Will you do with the present one
who is more youthful, more comely and more beautiful than me or I
will have to come?”
Fully confused and unable to decide how to react or answer her, I
kept looking at her for some time. Suddenly it dawned upon me that
she had been rapidly getting too informal with me. I thought if her
growing informality with me was not restrained immediately, nobody
knows how much and when she becomes more outspoken. It also
reminded me of the aura attached to my position and status in the
college. So I decided to check her wanton behaviour immediately.
Consolidating myself after a few moments and expressing utter
disregard to what she had observed, I said, “When you feel fully well,
you think over it yourself and decide what will be more proper? You
are our well-wisher and benefactor. Whatever you decide will be
alright and will be acceptable to us also. There is no logic in asking
for my choice because, “Beggars cannot be choosers” equivalent of
which in Hindi is, “Dan ki bachhiya ke daant nahin dekhe jate.”
It looked as if my statement showing disinterest in either of the
two women had had no visible effect on her because after listening to
my suggestions she had burst into a loud and care-free laughter. She
said, “I have heard both the idioms. But aren’t their substitutes
contradictory to each other? In the second, the object is degraded

45. ~ 45 ~
whereas in the former the subject is. Isn’t it? You neither are beggar
nor are we she-calves. Am I not right?”
Sambhavana’s this quality of laughing at every possible situation
makes one flat. She is very casual. She is carefree. Nothing can
perplex her for long. I realised that she knew very well how to live a
carefree life which has been her only life support so far. I could not
help laughing at her analytical interpretations of the idioms. I said,
“Sambhavana, where from have you learnt the art of splitting the hair
like this and so nicely; and where do you derive such strange
meanings from? Whatever I may be, but you are certainly not the she-
calves. If you have any complaints, then better to make them to the
one who coined these idioms.”
7“For that I will have to go to heaven and I am not yet prepared
for that. Not only my responsibilities are unfinished but I have still to
see a lot,” saying so she got up and went out. She had highly
emphasised the phrase “See a lot” making it look significant to me.
8Though she had gone out still she had left with me a lot of
thoughts to brood over throughout the day and to make out what she
meant by “See a lot?” Was it used to “face” problems of life or to
“enjoy” the future? I thought that it must certainly be “enjoyments” of
life which might have remained ungratified because of her failed
marriage?
9I do not know what was that in Sambhavana which haunted my
mind to the extent that the more I tried to shake her off the more she
bounced back to catch up with me. I do not mind candidly accepting
that she had been mysteriously haunting my mind constantly in those
days. I could not do anything in the office on that day except
disposing off a few important files; and I continuously kept thinking
about her and especially the phrase she had uttered with great
emphasis. My heart coaxed me time and again to accept the second
interpretation of her word “See” by which she might have meant only
the unquenched thirst for the worldly pleasures of life because of her
short-living family life. It was further supported by the facts that after
all what her age was and what she might have enjoyed in that short
span of married life or after her separation?

46. ~ 46 ~
10This puzzle about her aroused the philosopher in me. A
question propped up suddenly, “Has indulging in mundane pleasures
given satisfaction to anyone? If it had been so, how and why could
Buddha, Nanak and Kabir etc. would have been there? When they
remained dissatisfied with worldly comforts which they had in
abundance only then they relinquished them and took to the opposite
kind of life which they called a way to Moksh. Again a question arose.
But how many Buddhas and Nanaks have been so far? They can be
counted on tips of fingers. Professing and talking about leaving
pleasures is one thing and following it is entirely different. It looks to
be quite difficult to do so especially when we exist in the materialistic
world.
11The question was too complex. I could not decide which way
of life one should follow and how I should interpret Sambhavana. My
intuition suggested, “Why to unnecessarily and untimely bother?
Leave it to time. Everything will be clear in due course. There is no
use of making guesses. And what is the guarantee that the guess you
make will be accurate? There are fifty-fifty percent chances of success
or failure. Who knows your guess goes wrong.”
12Within three days thereafter, Sambhavana was alright and she
started coming to my residence in place of Radha. It did not matter for
me who comes, who goes and who now helps us. Yes, there was one
difference this time. Whereas Radha used to keep stoic silence and
remain busy with the kitchen work all the time; Sambhavana was and
had been just her opposite. But this time there was a sort of
dissatisfaction in behaviour and a bit of irritation in her
communication. Though she had been dissatisfied by my sitting
outside; but she used to enjoy by passing her satirical remarks. That
enjoyment was missing now. There was no difference in my routine or
conduct either by the absence of Sambhavana or by coming of Radha
in her place or then again by their switch over. She had already
gathered from Radha that Sir gets ready even before she arrived there
and keeps sitting and reading the newspapers outside and comes
inside only when he is called for breakfast.
13Sambhavana seemed to have changed drastically this time. I
guessed that those psychological changes might have been due to the

47. ~ 47 ~
after-effects of her illness. So I did not speak about her changed
behaviour. But the more I overlooked these changes in her
temperament the more she started looking restless. She had also
stopped her Lucknowi style of calling me inside which too had drawn
my attention as it looked to me strange and against her nature. Why
was I concerned? I do not know this too at all. She had started calling
me inside either through Aman, the child living with me or came
herself to call. That nicety which she had made me used to, was
completely missing this time. Neither I pointed out anything about it,
nor asked her and nor could understand anything about it. My
behaviour remained as it was.
14Six seven days passed by. One day Aman came out and told
me that Sambhavana Mausi was weeping due to stomachache. By
chance Aman also had had such stomach pain a few days before and I
had given him the medicine. I said to him, “Give her the same
medicine which I had given to you.” Aman did as told. I do not know
whether it gave her any relief or not. But her face still showed tension.
After the breakfast and before leaving for the college I said to her, “If
you are not feeling well, go back to your residence and take rest; and
send Radha in the noon.”
15She kept quiet. She did not respond either. She did not come to
college also. I thought she might have gone back to her home for rest.
But when I reached my residence in the noon, I found her there. I
asked her how she was feeling then.
16She said in a very dry manner, “What does it matter to you
whether anybody dies or lives. You do not have any time for anything
other than your newspapers, your books and college.”
17Hearing the accusations, I felt bad. I felt so much bad that even
feeling bad looked quite small. But I kept quiet and entered my
bedroom for a change because I had been feeling very grateful for her
help and also because I did not have any answer to her complaints.
The truth was also that I did not wish to bother her by my arguments
in that delicate situation which may have added to her discomforts. So
I felt it appropriate to keep quiet.

48. ~ 48 ~
18Elders have advised their generations that one should never be
ungrateful because it ruins human beings’ faith from humanity.
Sambhavana had made timely and perfect arrangements at our
residence when we were really very much disturbed. So I changed my
clothes, washed hands and face; and came to the dining table. By then
she had set the lunch. She had prepared rice and pulses, perhaps due to
her stomachache.
19On account of her today’s satirical remarks, the atmosphere
had become very much charged with tension. In order to soften and
lighten up the moments I said, “Why did you not return to your home
to take rest? I think due to insufficient rest after the illness, the
problem has cropped up again. Continue with the medicine which was
given in morning and tell me tomorrow. If there is no relief, then the
medicine will have to be changed.”
“I am now feeling better. You need not unnecessarily worry. You
are already overburdened with your work. If you fall ill then it will be
an added trouble for us. Besides, you will lose your health too.”
By now there was not an iota of doubt that she was under great
stress. But I could not immediately reckon the reasons. Since rice and
pulses were cooked and there was no need of bread and I also wanted
possibly to mitigate her stress by taking the lunch together I said,
“Come; let’s have the lunch together after a long time. Set and bring
your lunch too.”
As she has always been in line to the hilt, she set her lunch like an
obedient child and came with it. I noticed a sudden change in her. Her
face lit up with a smile. I felt relieved. At heart too, I felt happy. Why?
I cannot say! After the lunch I said, Sambhavana, stay happy. Stress
on your face does not look nice. Stress is also bad for health. And you
know how much affections I have for you.”
Hardly had I finished that the smile from her face disappeared
again in the same way as the mist disappears before strong winds.
Disturbed and perturbed, I again could not understand the reasons of
this mercurial change in her mood. I said to myself, “Did I
unknowingly make any undesirable comments?” I did not feel the

49. ~ 49 ~
time fit to seek the answers from her. But she solved my problem
herself.
She said, “Stress does not look nice on my face or you do not like
it?
It caused me peals of laughter. I said, “Sambhavana, deriving
strange meanings from everything is your hobby. Until you split the
hair like this, even food will not digest to you. Am I right?”
She was also ready with her answer, “Sir, I don’t want your
affections. I actually need………” saying so she kept quiet and
lowered her looks. After finishing her work as she was going to leave,
I said once again, “If you do not feel well by tomorrow morning, then
send Radha.” At this she threw an askew feminine glance at me and
commented, “Will see” and quickly moved out.


50. ~ 50 ~
Chapter-10
Her incomplete sentence, “Sir, I don’t want your affections. I
actually need………” had been rocking my mind and it had
completely unnerved me. It kept echoing in my ears time and again. It
is not that I had not understood what she wanted to say further and
what she meant by that? I knew that it was only for her woman-like
shyness that she could not complete her sentence. It is this shyness of
women which gild the lily more than the precious ornaments. But
when this décor becomes an impediment in free expressions for the
fair sex and if it starts creating mental disorders in them, then it
becomes like a noose around their neck. It causes inhibitions. And the
women are destined to lead a repressed life throughout their lives that
make them long for a gasp of fresh breath. Is life full of such restraints
a life worth-living? It rather acts like a slow poison on the inhibited
which ultimately leaves them almost dead. This thought caused a
deadly shivering in my entire body; and horribly terrified by this
thought, I closed my eyes tightly.
Men’s ineptness, amateurship, ill-knowledge and lack of skills in
understanding the women-psychology cause unbearable problems for
both of them and at times these inefficiencies cost them heavily.
Today I was also facing the same situation. I was unable to understand
Sambhavana accurately and she was unable to explain herself due to
her shyness. Due to my limitations I was not in a situation to ask her
further and she was not in a position to tell clearly due to her
womanlike modesty. It seemed as if a wall, which we were unable see
through or break into, had cropped up between us all of a sudden.
I was still struggling with her departing statement. Was that true
which I had guessed and understood on my own? Will it be more
appropriate to verify the “truth” which had dawned upon me? If yes,
how to? What if she does not tell and I due to my limitations, keep my
eyes shut and let her live a choked and suffocated life! I was at the
horns of a dilemma. I failed what to do or not to do?
The grave situation which I was in reminded me of a story that
my Grand-mother used to tell us in our childhood: There was parrot.
He got a grain of gram. He sat on the trunk of a tree to feed on.
Suddenly the grain of gram fell from his beak into the hollow of the

51. ~ 51 ~
tree. Now the problem was how to get it back. Beak was too short and
the hollow too narrow and deep. He tried hard but all went in vain.
The recalled story caused me peals of laughter as there was no
difference between the grand-mother’s parrot and me or the people
grappling with such odd situations. Daily repeating labyrinthine of
unsolved problems, standing directionless on the crossroads and
unable to decide which road one should take and which not,
surrounded by uncertainties and complexities like Abhimanyu of
Mahabharat, the people keep grappling with such situations daily.
Suddenly the words poured out of my mouth, “Aren’t we parrot-
like?” I was unable to accurately understand Sambhavana and she was
unable to speak out what she wanted. The learned readers may tell
how both of us were different from the fabled parrot? You may also
observe your past or present life honestly. You will find that frustrated
by such harrowing experiences and not finding a way out of such
difficult situations, you must have found yourself in a parrot-like
situation at any point of time.
Sambhavana had suffered a lot in the short span of her life. So by
heart I wanted her to remain stress free and happy; and lead a hassle
free life. I wished her a life filled with all happiness and wanted
earnestly she got all which she deserved or had a right to.
On the day her application for job was received in our college,
her love-affairs were served before me with all flights of fancies of the
story-teller. Even though her selection was made on merits but from
heart of hearts I had wished her to be selected because by the
questions which she had put before Swamiji and by the backbiting of
her former officer’s prejudiced and now the ear-poisoning reports to
me by back-biters had made me sure that she was certainly a victim of
the society and her selection in our college will certainly give her a bit
of peace of mind and satisfaction to me for doing natural justice with
the sufferer.
She was selected. She was happy too. She was doing her job
perfectly well and getting laurels from everyone. And the kitchen
arrangements that she had made at our residence, had made me so
grateful to her that I, fully knowing that one can never fix any price

52. ~ 52 ~
for or pay back for the good deeds still I always wished to pay her
back in one way or the other and longed to be debt free.
And toady the same Sambhavana was not only sad but evasive
too. She was already indifferent to herself and her life. This was her
grit only that in spite of such sufferings she was humorous, her voice
was melodious, her gait had a royalty in it and there was transparency
in her life which I have not only already mentioned but have praised
also. Today all this had disappeared. She had become more
unapproachable, incomprehensible and too formidable. It seemed as if
she had been concealing a lot in the deeps of her heart which she did
not want to expose at all to anyone.
And until one knew what bothered her, what anyone could do.
Next day she was at my residence as usual. I asked her how she
was feeling. She shook her head in a positive manner with a faint
smile to assure me that everything was alright. But when I noticed her
tired, walking slowly, speaking little with faint smiles, I could
understand that all was not well.
She went into the kitchen.
An hour passed. Getting no message from inside, I called Aman
to inquire what was delaying preparation of the breakfast. Aman told
me that Sambhavana was lying mouth-down on the floor.
I had to immediately get up. I rushed to the kitchen. I saw that she
was really lying senseless. I felt her pulse. Heart beat was checked.
Both were abnormally fast. I picked her up and made her lie onto my
bed. I sprinkled a few drops of water on her face. I gave her a dose of
homoeopathic drug Alumina because she had not fallen with a thump
but seemed to have rather slumped slowly on the floor. After the fall,
there ought to have been a sound of falling down. The medicine
showed favourable results soon. When she improved a little, I said,
“Let’s inform the manager.” I was standing near the bed she was lying
on. At this she moved a little towards me and clung on to my feet as a
long departed clings to other one and said, “No Sir, I am alright now.
There is nothing to worry about. The medicine that you gave has
given me great relief.”

53. ~ 53 ~
After sometime as I tried to get my feet free she clung onto them
more tightly. I was unable to understand what was happening and
what I ought to do? By now I was sure that she was under the sway of
her sexual urge. Keeping it in mind I realised that it would be more
appropriate to handle the situation according to the circumstances with
prudence. Taking it easy and composing myself I patted her back and
assuring her I said, “Whatever and however you wish, that will be.
Now give me the breakfast and let me leave for the college because it
is already too late.”
At this she let my legs go and said, “Promise. Won’t you go
back?
Today I saw the same glimpse on her face which had been
missing since long and I had been eager to see but certainly not at all
at this cost. Still I had to respond affirmatively and assure her because
it is commonly said, “Men-women under seize of lust are no less than
wild animals.” So I realised that the easy way out of the situation
which I had adopted, was the best in the given circumstances.
She expressed her gratitude by clinging to me once more tightly.


54. ~ 54 ~
Chapter-11
On that day she had brought her home made breakfast. She
quickly served it and I somehow gobbled it. When I invited her to
have breakfast with me, she said, “We all will be late. You take yours
and reach the college; and I am also coming behind you soon after
finishing the kitchen work.”
I was highly disturbed by the indecent expression and behaviour
of her erotic desires. On my way to college, I kept thinking and
thinking whether it was the homoeopathic medicine or her clinging
onto my feet and my subsequent assurances which made her feel
better? How difficult it was to understand a woman! Such high drama
for expressing the secrets of her heart and needs of her body! Bringing
prepared breakfast, keep lying in the heated kitchen for such a long
time, and continue to dramatize even while in my lap. Not only this:
Her expressions showing her ire in many ways for several days! Was
the cholera illness also not a part of this drama? She had feigned to
faint. But I almost fainted under this harrowing and troubling chain of
events and my continuous thinking over them. I felt highly uneasy.
Reaching my office, I took two glassful of cold water. I felt a bit
relieved. I also decided to discuss the matter with her as soon as she
arrives. I was aghast at the way she chose to express her lust or love
whatever she may call it? I thought it to be too childish. It was not
acceptable at least to me. Even if the need arises to express sensual
love, was that the proper way to do that? Could there be no better way
than that? Was it not like rape? Today I realised for the first time that
these are not men only who rape, the women are also not far behind.
Men alone are unnecessarily blamed.
Agree that love is intense, raunchy and ravenous in nature; and it
ought to be; but that too should be soft, sensitive, tender and
collaborative in application. At least it should never be cruel, absurd
and grotesque. And what Sambhavana did today, had surpassed the
limits of all cruelties and absurdities; and was nothing more than
rapacious, malicious and spiteful. Truly speaking, there was nothing
in her expressions which could be called the warmth and tenderness of
love and romance. That seemed not more than sheer lust and
lasciviousness which was hostile, offensive and impious. I felt as if I