Restoring Love in Relationships: 7 Behaviors to Avoid

11 And he (God) said, “Who told you that you were
naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded
you not to eat from?”
12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me —
she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this
you have done?”
The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
Gn 3:11-13

The most obvious
result that a person is
separated from God is
when he does not
assume his
responsibilities and
places the blame on
the other person.

The man accused the
woman, and from this
moment on,
they faced rivalry,
enmity, quarrels,
disagreements,
disputes,
abandonment, and
separation.

Many couples enter
into a routine of
destruction, and this
same fights routine
creates a pattern of
behavior that is
repeated day after day.

It takes some time to be
formed, but once
formed, it is embedded
in the couple's
relationship.
We all have patterns of
behavior that we
ourselves form
over time.

7 Behaviors That Ruin a Relationship
How can you avoid the patterns
that destroy a loving relationship?
Lisa Firestone Ph.D.

1. Having angry reactions to feedback instead of
being open to it.
Communication is key to a close relationship. However, when we
establish a fantasy bond, we tend to become increasingly closed off
to real dialogue, or a kind and compassionate way of exchanging
impressions and ideas. Instead, we tend to be defensive and have
angry or intimidating overreactions to feedback from our partner;
these shut our partner down.
In order to change this pattern, try to look for a kernel of truth in
what our partner says, rather than picking apart flaws
in the feedback.

2. Being closed to new experiences instead of
open to new things.
In every relationship, it’s important to maintain a sense of ourselves
as a unique person. When we get involved with someone new, it
should expand our world, not shrink it. When we first fall in love, we
tend to be open to new things. However, when we start to engage in
a fantasy bond, we tend to adopt roles and routines that limit us and
close us down to new experiences.
We should always be open to exploring things that expand our world
and be careful not to limit our or our partner’s experiences.

3. Using deception and duplicity instead
of honesty and integrity.
Unfortunately, deception and duplicity are common in relationships.
There are a lot of mixed messages based on people saying one thing
and doing another.
When our actions are honest, we can create genuine closeness.

4. Overstepping boundaries instead of showing
respect for them.
In a fantasy bond, couples tend to overstep each other’s boundaries
and form a fused identity. They start to see themselves as a we,
instead of a you and me. “We like to go there.” “We don’t want to go
that party.” “We like that kind of food.”
You should see your partner as a whole and separate person who
matters to you, independent of your own needs and interests.
You can both encourage each other to engage in pursuits that really
express who each of you are as individuals.
When we give another person this space, regard and
respect, we actually draw that person closer to us.

5. Showing a lack of affection, and inadequate,
impersonal, or routine sexuality instead
of physical affection and personal sexuality.
In a fantasy bond, there is often a lack of personal relating
and affection. The sexuality can start to feel inadequate
and impersonal or become hardly existent. Some couples describe
their sex lives as becoming mechanical or highly routinized. This
takes much of the excitement out of their attraction.
There would be a give and take, with real contact being made, that
sparks intimate and loving feelings. The more free flowing
and spontaneous our expressions of love can be, the less
likely you and a partner are to grow apart.

6. Misunderstanding instead of understanding.
In a fantasy bond, we tend to see our partners for who we need
them to be rather than who they are.
In an ideal relationship, we see our partner realistically, both their
strengths and their foibles, and accept them for who they are. We
don’t allow ourselves to create a negative caricature, which means
not focusing in on their flaws and indulging in critical thoughts.
However, it also means not creating a grandiose image of them.

7. Being manipulative, dominant, or submissive.
Due to people’s defenses and desire to protect themselves, it can be
easy for couples to play games and be indirect about their wants and
needs.
Many of us make the mistake of expecting our partner to read our
minds and know what we want, which only leads to disappointment.
It’s important to say what we want without trying to dominate or
control a situation. We usually feel vulnerable when we’re open
about who we are, what we want, and how we really feel. But this
directness is the best way to maintain an honest and
authentic way of relating that gets us what we want in life.

19 For God was pleased to have all his
fullness dwell in him, 20 and through him to
reconcile to himself all things, whether things
on earth or things in heaven, by making
peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
Colossians 1:19, 20

Christ died on the cross
to make peace.
Making peace is an act
of reconciliation
between two or more
parties that were angry,
distant, separated and
in disharmony.

To couples who were
fighting, in war, treating
one another as an
enemy, He came to
bring peace and
reconciliation.
At the marriage that
was separated, he came
to reconnect.

There, at the beginning
of the process, at the
beginning of that
pattern of harmful
behavior, when you
hear or see something
that you did not like,
look at the Cross.

Accept and receive this
new path opened by
Christ. The path of
peace and
reconciliation.

Restored to God,
through the blood
of the cross, we will be
restored to one another,
with clasped hands and
fingers, reflecting
divine unity.

26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our
image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over
the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the
livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the
creatures that move along the ground.”
27 So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.
Gn 1:26, 27

Love is another
characteristic with
which man and
woman were created,
and make them the
image and likeness of
God.

8 Whoever does not love does not know God,
because God is love.
I John 4:8

We can not say that
this text defines God,
because the infinite
God can not be
defined, but we
believe that this is
the most sublime
declaration of
who God is.

“God is love" is written upon every opening bud,
upon every spire of springing grass. The lovely
birds making the air vocal with their happy songs,
the delicately tinted flowers in their perfection
perfuming the air, the lofty trees of the forest with
their rich foliage of living green -- all testify to the
tender, fatherly care of our God and to His desire
to make His children happy.”
Steps to Christ, p. 10

God is love, and
because He is love,
He loves.
God loves all people
without distinction
and unconditionally.

If God is love and He
made man and woman
in His image and
likeness, it means that
God created the first
couple with love.

God created man and
woman with a will and
a tendency to love.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not
boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the
truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always
perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
I Co 13:4-8

God is love.
Your spouse is not love.
The love of God does
not end, but the love of
man can end.
The love of God does
not end, but your love
can end.
God's love does not end,
but the love of your
spouse may end.

“Human love can change,
but Christ’s love knows no change”.
The Ministry of Healing, p. 72

The most natural thing
about a relationship is
for you to wake up
in the morning and
discover that you no
longer love the person
you slept with.
This is normal and
natural because
you are not love.

God is the source of love
and, as a source of love,
He must be connected,
connected in some way
to the human being
so that this one receives
and transmits this love.

If your love is over,
it is because you,
or yourself, have lost the
connection with the
source of love that is God.
I want to remember that
this connection is a daily
work. It needs to be
repeated every day.

Divorce has never been
and will never be the
solution to solve the
lack of love in marriage
because the couple
separates to remarry
and repeat the
same story with
another person.

5 …God’s love has been poured out into
our hearts through the Holy Spirit,
who has been given to us.
Romans 5:5

This love, divine gift,
needs to be renewed
in our heart
every morning.

Love is the result of
daily fellowship
with God.
It is a result of the
action of the Holy Spirit
in your life.

God placed love in the
human being.
Today,
after sin, God grants us
this love through the
gift of the Holy Spirit
to renew it every morning.

9
DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS TO AVOID
DURING RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT
Jessica Higgins
Psychologist, PhD, LPC

9 DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS TO AVOID DURING
RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT
1. Name calling & Character Attacks
Name calling is when language is used to be insulting and offensive
to another person. Name calling can be a word said with an intention
to attack, blame, reject, shame, ridicule, or condemn another
person. These might be words like jerk, loser, selfish, controlling,
inconsiderate, jealous, rude, mean, egotistical, narcissistic, stupid,
inept, crazy, irrational, childish, immature, etc.
Name calling and character attacks often involve using all-or-nothing
statements (i.e. “you always” “you never”).
Often this back-and-forth will escalate into an argument.
Jessica Higgins

2. Criticism
It can be expressed through disapproval, looking for and focusing on the
negative aspects of someone. It can also be the process of finding issue,
fault, or problems with another person. Nitpicking and trying to fix your
partner are other examples of criticism.
When someone is being highly critical, they are overlooking and not
giving credit to their partner’s strengths or positive qualities.
The contemptuous partner usually feels justified and/or even in a place
of superiority, while their partner will feel devalued, unappreciated, and
disrespected. This dynamic usually creates a climate for a tremendous
amount of hurt, anger, and despair, and can be very
damaging for the relationship.
Jessica Higgins

3. Dismissive nonverbals
They are gestures or body language used to reject, disrespect, or put-
down your partner.
Some physical gestures that people use are waving a finger, putting a
hand up, doing a shooing away motion with the hand, hand yapping,
turning back on partner, eye rolling, heavy sighing, looking distracted
and uninterested, shaking your head “no” when your partner is talking,
and raising an eyebrow.
Sometimes a dismissive non-verbal can be even more upsetting than a
verbal attack
Try and keep a neutral and open stance.
Jessica Higgins

4. Silent treatment
Giving someone the silent treatment involves shutting down, ignoring
them, avoiding, and/or refusing to respond to your partner’s comments
or questions. It can also be neglecting to talk or discuss certain topics
that your partner might bring up.
The silent treatment generally creates more hurt and pain. The partner
being ignored often feels rejected and disrespected. Using the silent
treatment does not contribute to any resolution.
If you are too angry or hurt to talk, tactfully communicate that you are
not ready to talk.
Jessica Higgins

5. Assuming
It is the act of guessing or deciding what your partner’s thoughts and
feelings are without asking them or checking it out.
Mind reading can be another form of assuming. Unfortunately, this is a
very, very common practice.
When in conflict, we do not really know what they are thinking or
feeling, and WE ARE OFTEN WRONG. Many times people think they are
right about what their partner is thinking or feeling, only to realize that
they had a faulty interpretation.
Assumptions and mind reading usually lead to misunderstandings and
hurt feelings.
Jessica Higgins

6. Trying to be right
During a conflict, it is common for one or both partners to switch from a
position of “trying to resolve an issue” to “trying to be right.”
If the goal is to win, then the goal is no longer to reach a resolution,
understanding, and a mutually, beneficial solution.
If your partner is expressing a different view-point, try to see the value
in their being honest, open, and authentic.
Jessica Higgins

7. Being defensive
When feeling defensive, people will deny any responsibility, avoid any
wrongdoing, and are unwilling to look at their part. They are more
focused on defending or protecting themselves then they are listening
objectively and openly.
This can be done by contradicting or taking the counterargument.
Basically, it is taking an oppositional stance and deflecting what your
partner is saying or doing about a particular point or circumstance.
If you are able, really listen to your partner. When you feel defensive,
stay with your partner’s perspective, even if you disagree. Try and
understand what it is like to be them. Put yourself in their
shoes.
Jessica Higgins

8. Control Tactics
Control tactics are the act of trying to manipulate or dominate the
situation or person through various strategies. These strategies can be
anything from interrupting or talking over the other person, demands,
threats, ultimatums, and trying to control the conversation. People
resort to control mechanisms when they feel desperate, powerless, and
scared.
The more you seek to control your partner, the further your partner will
push you away.
You cannot control everything.
Jessica Higgins

9. Outbursts of anger
An outburst of anger is the act of expressing anger, often in an
uncontrolled and sudden manner. An anger outburst can be exhibited
on a smaller scale, like sarcasm or passive-aggressive behavior. Or it can
be expressed on a larger scale, like yelling, shouting, slamming,
throwing, hitting, or breaking things.
Displays of anger do not create resolution or repair. Intentionally trying
to hurt your partner can be very damaging and even abusive.
Anger is a healthy human emotion. Anger lets us know when there has
been a violation, injustice, or when a boundary has been crossed. It is
the way someone deals with their anger that makes it
constructive or destructive.
Jessica Higgins

Restoring Love in Relationships: 7 Behaviors to Avoid

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Restoring Love in Relationships: 7 Behaviors to Avoid