steps how to achieve assertiveness

1. HOW TO
BE
ASSERTIVE
BY:KANWAL
ZAMURRAD
MALIK

2. When confronted with difficult
situations, people can sometimes
respond in two ways.
 passively
 aggressively.

3. Passiveness may involve…
• Flight
• Possibly respecting others’ rights while
ignoring your own rights.
• Not communicating directly when the
situation warrants it.
• Allowing others to “walk on” or control
you.
• Allowing your boundaries
to be violated.
• Indecisiveness.

4. Aggressiveness may involve…
• Fight
• Disrespecting others’ rights to retain
your own rights. Winning at all costs.
• Communicating sarcastically.
• Attacking the person instead of
focusing on the behavior or problem-
solving.
• Violating boundaries.
• Attempting to control
others.

5. Ideal response is assertive response which
falls in between these two responses

6. WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS?
• Right.
• Respecting others’ rights as well as your
own rights.
• Communicating effectively, directly, and
with confidence.
• Dealing with conflict effectively and calmly.
• Handling and receiving feedback effectively.
• Setting boundaries.
• Focus is on behavior and problem-solving
instead of attacking/ignoring the person.

7. Lack of assertiveness leads
Depression:
feeling helpless
with no control
over your life
Resentment:
anger at others
for taking
advantage of you
Frustration:
why did I let
that happen
Relationships:
when individuals
can't tell each
other what they
want
Stress:
stress can have
a negative impact
on the body
Anxiety:
Unable to avoid
certain situation
leads to anxiety.

8. Helps have better relations with others
Reduces stress
Minimizes any unpleasantness
Makes you feel better about yourself
BENEFITS OF ASSERTIVENESS

9. Propels your career
Vaults you into leadership
position
Able to adapt to changing
Social and professional
environments
Freedom from guilt conscience as
you know that you are right

10. Test your assertiveness
• Can you express negative feelings
about other people and their
behaviour without using abusive
language?
• Are you able to exercise and express
your strengths?
• Can you easily recognize and
compliment other people’s
achievements?

11. • Do you have confidence to ask
for what is rightfully yours?
• Can you accept criticism
without being defensive?
• Do you feel comfortable
accepting compliments?
• Are you able to stand up for
your rights?

12. • Are you able to refuse unreasonable
requests from friends ,family or co-
workers?
• Can you comfortably start and carry
on a conversation with others?
• Do you ask for assistance when you
need it?
If the answer is yes to all these
questions then you are an assertive
person.

13. HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE?

14. TECHNIQUES TO BE ASSERTIVE
1.Creating self esteem.
2.Communication- your voice and
language.
3.Communication- body language.
4.Persistency- broken record and
workable compromise.
5.Handling criticism-fogging ,
negative assertion and negative
enquiry
6. Handling praise-Positive enquiry.

15.  Be comfortable with your
personality. Respect your own self.
 Be conscious of your abilities.
 Feel proud of your achievements.
 CREATING SELF
ESTEEM

16. CREATING SELF ESTEEM
Complete the following with
positive about personal quality,
attribute and achievement.
 I am
 I can
 I think
 I believe

17.  COMMUNICATION:
VOICE AND LANGUAGE
Use ‘I’ statement rather than
you statements.
• Like : Restate: “You are so
egotistical and full of yourself
and your own ideas!” to “I would
like you to consider this idea.”

18. Use factual descriptions instead of
judgements and exaggerations.
Like: I noticed that you have not
spoken to me for last three days.

19.  Use clear , direct requests or
directives when you want others
to do something, rather than
hinting, being indirect, or
presuming.
Like: Will you please take this to
Mr.khan.

20. Express thoughts, feelings and
opinions reflecting ownership.
like: I believe matching the
competition is the best policy

21. DO’S
Be respectful, realistic and honest.
Express preferences and priorities.
Express feelings honestly.
Say no politely and firmly.

22. THE ART OF SAYING
“NO”
Passive NO – accompanied
by weak excuses and
rationalizations.
Aggressive NO -
Done with contempt
Assertive NO - is
simple and direct
Say
”NO”

23. FOUR STEPS TO SAYING
“NO”
Say no immediately - You do not need to justify your decision. If
you start doing so, you will prolong the conversation unnecessarily.
.
• Listen to the request - Make sure you
understand the request completely
before coming to a hasty conclusion.
Clarify if needed.
• Say no immediately - You do not
need to justify your decision. If
you start doing so, you will
prolong the conversation
unnecessarily.

24. • Give a reason for your refusal –
Without giving a reason, you may
come off as uncooperative or
hostile. A clear and honest reason.
• Offer to find an alternative – Let the
other party know that you will try to
help them but you are unable to
perform the entire request.

25. DON'TS
Don’t say "I can’t or I won’t be able
to”
Don’t depersonalize feelings or
deny ownership.
Don’t exaggerate, minimize, or use
sarcasm.
Don’t agree unwillingly.

26. NON
ASSERTIVE
ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE
• Quiet, soft,
higher pitch
• Hesitation,
stopping in
midstream
• Nervous
laughter
• Statement
sound like
questions
• Resonant, firm,
pleasant
• Smooth, even,
flowing,
comfortable
• Laughter only
with humour
• Voice tones
stay even
• Loud or harsh or
steely quiet
• Biting off words
precise, measured
delivery
• Sarcastic laughter
• sound like orders.

27.  COMMUNICATION
Body language.
•Gestures
•Facial expressions.

28. NON ASSERTIVE ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE
• Slumped
• Shoulders
forward
• Shifting often
• Chin down
• Sitting: legs
entwined
• Erect and relaxed
• Shoulders
straight
• Few shifts
• Dead straight
• Sitting: legs
together/uncross
ed
• Erect, tense ,rigid
• Shoulders back
• Jerky shifts
• Chin up
• Sitting: heels on
desk, hands
behind head

29. GESTURES

30. NON ASSERTIVE ASSERTIVE AGGRESIVE
• Fluttering hands
• Twisting motions
• Frequent head
nodding
 Casual hand
movement
 Relaxing hands
 Occasional head
nodding
 Chopping with
hands
 Clenched hands
and pointing
 Sharp, quick
nods

31. FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

32. NON ASSERTIVE ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE
• Lifted eyebrows ,
rapid eye
blinking
• Nervous or
guilty smile
• Chewing lower
lip
• show anger with
averted eyes
• Relaxed,
thoughtful,
caring look, few
blinking
• Genuine smile
• Relaxed mouth
• Shows with
flashing eyes
and serious look
• Furrowed brow,
unblinking glare
• Sarcastic smile
• Tight jaw
• Shows with
disapproving
scowl, very firm
mouth

33. ASSERTIVENESS REFLECTS
THROUGH
Leaning forward
Keeping arms and palms open
Maintaining eye contact
Placing feet flat on floor
Sitting with legs uncrossed
Smiling

34.  PERSISTENCY
Broken records
Workable compromise

35. BROKEN RECORD
1.Repeat yourself again and
again and again, until the
person gives in or concedes
to your demands.
2. Most people capitulate after
you repeat yourself three times.
Because you just have to repeat yourself,
broken record is really easy to use.

36. Broken record is particularly
useful when:
•Dealing with those in authority
•You are not getting what you are
entitled to
•Dealing with people brighter or
more fluent than you
•The other person is likely to use
put-downs.

37. WORKABLE COMPROMISE
• When you feel that your self respect is not
in question, consider workable
compromise.
• Can always bargain for material goals
provided self respect or feeling is not
compromised.
• Example : I understand you need to talk
and I have to finish some work.so what
about meeting after one hour.

38.  HANDLING CRITICISM
Fogging
Negative Assertion
Negative Enquiry

39. FOGGING
A skill that teaches acceptance of
manipulative criticism by calmly
acknowledging to your critic that
probably that there may be some
truth in what he says. Yet allows you
to remain your own judge of what
you do.
By refusing to be provoked you
remove it’s destructive power.

40. FOR EXAMPLE:
If someone says, “Your haircut
looks stupid,” you can respond
with, “You might be right.” They
might continue: “Didn’t you hear
me? You look like a looser.”
Respond by saying, “You might be
right, but it will grow back.”

41. A Negative Assertion is assertively
accepting a mistake that you have
made. When George Washington said,
“I’m sorry, Dad, I chopped down the
cherry tree,” he was making a negative
assertion.
NEGATIVE ASSERTION

42. When it’s difficult for someone to say,
“I’m sorry,” they sometimes avoid the
negative assertion in a way that hurts
the other person: we can use following
statements.
 “I’m sorry you feel that way
 “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings
 I’m sorry I did it, but if you
hadn’t……then it never would have
happened.

43. NEGATIVE ENQUIRY
Negative enquiry is a way to respond to more
negative exchanges such as receiving criticism.
Dealing with criticism can be difficult,
remember that any criticism received is just
somebody's opinion..
Negative enquiry is used to find out more
about critical comments and is a good
alternative to more aggressive or angry
responses to criticism.

44. Example Situation
Sender:
“That meal was practically inedible, I can't
remember the last time I ate something so awful”
Receiver:
“It wasn't the best, exactly what didn’t you like about
it?
This is different from an aggressive response that
may have been:
"How dare you, I spent all afternoon preparing that
meal" or "Well that's the last time I cook for you"

45.  HANDLING PRAISE
Positive enquiry

46. POSITIVE ENQUIRY
• Positive enquiry is a simple technique for
handling positive comments such as praise
and compliments.
• People often struggle with responding to
praise and compliments, especially those
with lower self-esteem as they may feel
inadequate or that the positive comments are
not justified.
• It is important to give positive feedback to
others when appropriate but also to react
appropriately to positive feedback that you
receive.

47. Example Situation
Sender:
“You made an excellent meal tonight, it was
delicious!”
Receiver:
“Thanks. Yes, it was good. What did you
like about it in particular?”
This is different from a passive response
that may have been:
"It was no effort" or "It was just a standard
recipe"

48. Listen- Understand, put yourself
in others shoes and ask for
clarification.
Keep calm- deep breaths, take
your time, and allow others to
express their feelings.
Be prepared- Stick to the facts.
Compromise- try and find a
“win- win” situation.
So:

49. Remember that just because
someone says something you
don’t have to believe it.
Put a stop to the put-down as
soon possible.
Choose to leave the situation. Be
open to negotiations and having
the ability to accept constructive
criticism.

50. IN SHORT:
If you want a balanced personality,
learn to be assertive, express what
you think and feel in a positive way
and create mutual respect…

51. ALWAYS REMEMBER
TO:
RAISE your words not your
voice. It is the rain that grows
flowers not thunder.