Keys to relationship success via CNVC and other Conflict-related tools

2. IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIPS?
Studies (Journal of Psychology, USA Today, et al)
showing more and more what we can link to our
happiness:
• MONEY
• RELATIONSHIPS
• GROWTH/CHALLENGE
RELATIONSHIPS INFLUENCE OUR HAPPINESS

3. IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIPS?
• UCLA (2012) Study: I.Q. accounts for 7% of leadership success.
The rest is integrity, trust, authenticity, creativity, honestly, resilience
• Center for Creative Leadership (2009); 75% of all careers are
derailed or capped for reasons related to emotional competencies
(poorly handling interpersonal conflict, poor leadership in difficult
times, can’t elicit trust)

4. …OF PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS?
Our relationships define many things:
•How we can blow off steam
•How we can relate
•How we find support when needed
•How we can help; providing service to others

5. IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIPS
The ability to rapidly build relationships based on trust is more critical
than ever before
Learning Goals:
•Recognize that relationships impact results
•Be able to observe what’s at stake when a conversation is
difficult; in yourself and within others
•Create action plans to enhance relationship effectiveness
for yourself and those on your team

6. START BY LOOKING FOR
BLINDSPOTS IN THE RELATIONSHIP…
Blindspot? Do you know enough
about that person to be
comfortable…vice versa?
When you don’t fully trust someone, yet they’ve done nothing wrong,
this is usually why. So how do we overcome this?

7. Self-disclosure is a powerful way to influence; it’s expands what
people know about you and reduces the MASK you wear (this
actively fill in some blindspots; trust)
Introvert-extrovert dilemma
START BY LOOKING FOR
BLINDSPOTS IN THE RELATIONSHIP…

8. Asking for Feedback builds self-awareness, but you know that
DID YOU KNOW: it also builds comfort level within others
(I can tell you anything)
How do YOU receive feedback?
START BY LOOKING FOR
BLINDSPOTS IN THE RELATIONSHIP…

9. OVERCOMING CONFLICT MODEL
Self-Awareness &
Self-Disclosure
Understanding
Them
…this is really just communication to
get people on the same page

11. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
One job for all of you:
Deal with Conflict
But most people are never given formal
training in therapy or psychology
This topic is designed to equip you with the basic tools to
handle and resolve conflict (yours or as mediator)

13. CONFLICT FACTS
• It is inevitable
• It arises from assumptions
• It arises from Misunderstanding (ambiguity or miscommunication)
• Conflict is healthy, but needs to be managed
• Can create increased trust, but also tension
• There is more than one way to resolve it
• Is it just at work??

14. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: GOALS
1. To improve trust and communication
channels
2. Support a work environment with minimal
tension or fear

16. RESOLVING CONFLICT: errors_
• Avoiding?
• Giving in?
• Collaborating with others?
• Compromising?
• Starting with demands?
•HANDLING VIA EMAIL?
Communicating

17. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: THE WRONG WAY
NO-NO #1
Email:
• Why is email a bad way to resolve conflict?
• How can it be used?
• Email can maintain communication
• Restate already established expectations
• Schedule times to get together

18. NO-NO #2
The need to win:
•“it’s the principle of it…”
•making it about winning and losing
•Or me versus you
CONFLICT RESOLUTION: THE WRONG WAY

19. Clear, ongoing Communication
is the most essential factor in creating and
sustaining team achievement…
Conflict
Change
Teamwork
Delegation
Training
Setting expectations
Others…

21. RISKS TO IGNORING CONFLICT
…(AND IMPLICATIONS)
1.Employee withdrawal
2.Morale decreases
3.Poor health
4.Violence and aggression
5.Escalation; Legal implications
6.It NEVER gets easier over time

22. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Like much of learning new material, there is a
component of UNLEARNING old ways of doing things
99% of people have challenges handling conflict,
is why they may have it in their lives or at their
of work

23. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Where do you start?

24. CONFLICT RESOLUTION:
NEEDS BASED COMMUNICATION
Every emotion/feeling we have is created by a need we have that
has either:
• been satisfied, or
• prevented from being satisfied
This is a basic premise of understanding the
root cause
of the conflict

25. CONFLICT RESOLUTION:
DO YOU KNOW THE BAD THERAPIST?
• “Tell me how it feels…”
• “how did it make you feel
when…”
This can create
more conflict
without resolving
anything…why?

26. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
How NOT to share feelings:
“I feel like…”
“I feel that…”
These are not feelings, but veiled accusations.
They create more tension because the speaker isn’t even taking
responsibility for the accusation

27. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
How NOT to share feelings:
Passive verbs:
accused, ignored, abandoned, put down, misunderstood, bullied,
betrayed, cornered, manipulated, unappreciated, rejected,
These express how we interpret each other, rather than how we are actually
feeling
Using these passive verbs are another way to make accusations without
even giving proof
These “feelings” when expressed can only create anger, frustration or
sadness in the other person

28. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
What words to use?
Feelings = Emotions
Stating a feeling should be an actual feeling, not a recap, an event,
or an accusation.
(always one word: afraid, upset, anxious, angry, disappointed,
frustrated, alone… happy, excited, relieved,)

29. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Observation
Feeling
Need
(met or not met)
Request

30. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
OBSERVATION:
Clear statement of fact based on what has been witnessed
JUST THE FACTS, MA’AM

31. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
FEELING:
Express clearly what the simple observation has caused emotionally
(how many words?)

32. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
NEEDS:
Support your “feeling” with the WHY
This takes responsibility for your feeling. Without making any
accusation, the other person now can see things “your way,” and
this is likely to arouse compassion

33. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
NEEDS:
*note: it is likely that your needs are similar to their needs,
yet we never take the time to express them.
THAT’S why this step is crucial in conflict resolution
“COMMON GROUND”

34. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
REQUEST (this is usually the starting point):
Now what you are asking for has a complete context which can be
easily seen by all who are involved.

35. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: APOLOGY

36. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: APOLOGY
Is an apology required?
“I’m sorry you…” “I’m sorry if…”
“I’m sorry you got offended…I’m sorry you don’t like it… I’m sorry
you feel that way…”
These are just veiled accusations; they put the problem on the other
person creating conflict
I’m sorry you…suck at apologizing

37. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: APOLOGY
You can only apologize for yourself.
“…what I did offended you.
That wasn’t how I intended it.
I’m sorry.”
Don’t necessarily apologize for your actions, recognize the results
and apologize for those

38. CONFLICT RESOLUTION;
creating understanding through “context”
Observation Feeling
Need
(met or not met)
Request with
complete context and
get what you need

39. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Observation
Feeling
Need
(met or not met)
Request

41. TRUST IS GIVING FEEDBACK
HELPFUL WAYS
• Specific observable behavior or
correct or compliment
• Recent or current
• Expressed Intent to help
• limited
HINDERING WAYS
• Vague generalities
• Judgmental and assumptive
(motives)
• Intent unexpressed
• Overloaded

42. TRUST IS GETTING FEEDBACK
HELPFUL WAYS
• Paraphrase back
• Request clarification
• Reaching out for it
• “Thank You” without
explanation
HINDERING WAYS
• Denying
• Expressing anger or
discomfort
• Making excuses
• Justifying

43. START BY LOOKING FOR
BLINDSPOTS IN THE RELATIONSHIP…
Look for opportunities for
•Disclosure-small talk, personal experiences, values and beliefs
•Feedback-ask for it regularly
Both of these…
• …create openness
• …can serve to differentiate you when you try to build
trust and credibility
• …create personal connection

44. WANNA GIVE/RECEIVE BETTER
FEEDBACK?
Observation Feeling
Need
(met or not met)
Request with
complete context and
get what you need

45. FEEDBACK is just a matter of
AUTHENTICITY. When Authentic, it
CAN’T BE GIVEN TOO MUCH
Observation Feeling Need
(met or not met)
Request with
complete context and
get what you need

46. IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIPS
You are now more equipped to take in and deliver difficult
information
Learning Goals:
•Recognize that relationships impact results
•Be able to observe what’s at stake when a conversation is
difficult; in yourself and within others
•Create action plans to enhance relationship effectiveness
for yourself and those on your team

47. Must check out:
See Handout for many great resources
Main Takeaway: Your ability to quickly
build and maintain relationships is a
major factor in your ability to have a
successful career in healthcare