Are you interested in stopping addiction to sex? Here, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Dorothy Hayden, teaches you how to do a cost/benefit anaylsis before you begin counseling for any type of sex addiction (including porn addiction). Based on a SMART Recovery technique, a CBA is an essential part of change. Continue reading here to get prepared for your first counseling session, and address your questions about sex addiction at the end.

1. Counseling for sex addiction The first step
Are you interested in stopping addiction to sex? Here, Licensed Clinical Psychologist,
Dorothy Hayden, teaches you how to do a cost/benefit anaylsis before you begin counseling
for any type of sex addiction (including porn addiction). Based on a SMART Recovery
technique, a CBA is an essential part of change. Continue reading here to get prepared for
your first counseling session, and address your questions about sex addiction at the end.
Motivation For Change : A Cost-Benefit Analysis Of Sexual
Addiction
“Sexual addicts risk everything for the call of the erotic which promises euphoria and yet
never seems to deliver in a real, consistent way and is usually followed by remorse and
shame. Is the pleasure worth the consequences? Not when the negative consequences,
which are different for everyone, begin to outweigh these brief periods of erotic arousal.
That is when the person seeks treatment.”
Adapted From The Society For The Advancement Of Sexual
Health
Sex addiction counseling: The first session
You hesitantly make the call to the sex addiction counselor. You proceed, sheepishly, to
your prescribed seat on the proverbial leather coach. Peering over at the therapist, you
realize what this person represents – giving up the thing that provides you with so many
things, not the least of which is intense, super-stimulating sexual pleasure. You decide you
don’t like her.

2. As you sit quietly, waiting for this “presence” to say something, you start weighing the pros
and cons of changing your sexual behaviors. You no doubt feel tremendous ambivalence
about changing them. You realize you haven’t addressed the problem until now because it
seemed too damn difficult. Anyway, is there life after sex addiction treatment? What
happens to your sexuality? It’s hard to even imagine what sex looks like without
compulsion, addiction and self-destruction.
To try to overcome sex addiction involves dealing with the ambivalence that, on the one
hand you really, really love it and want to never let it go, and on the other hand, you know
it’s like a malignant growth that’s sucking your vitality dry. This conundrum is called
ambivalence and it’s the first issue to be addressed in treatment. It’s time for SMART
RECOVERY’s technique of doing a cost/benefit analysis on the addiction.
As you go through this process, ask yourself whether the price you pay in terms of your self
esteem and quality of life really worth the fleeting sexual pleasure that ultimately doesn’t
satisfy? Do these costs seem significant to you? Do they seem like legitimate reasons to take
steps to overcome your addiction?
The Many, Many Costs Of Sex Addiction
“Sexual addicts risk everything for the call of the erotic which promises euphoria and yet
never seems to never deliver in a real, consistent way and is usually followed by remorse
and shame. Is the pleasure worth the consequences? It is when the negative consequences,
which are different for everyone, begin to outweigh these brief periods of erotic arousal
that the person seeks help.”
Adapted From The Society For The Advancement Of Sexual
Health
It’s hard for any of us to walk away from pleasure, even when we know it is in our best
interest. For sex addicts, it’s nearly impossible. No price seems too high for them to pay
because they are driven by the mirage of a beautiful, ephemeral ghost that continually
promises but never delivers. And, yet, they keep returning to the empty well to quench
their thirst.
This is a condition that gradually bleeds away everything the person holds dear. The life of
a sex addict gradually becomes very small. The freedom of self is impaired. Energies are
consumed. The rapacious need for a particular kind of sexual experience drives the addict
to spend untold hours in the world of his addiction. Inexorably, the compulsion begins to
exact higher and higher costs.

3. Whether it be on the internet indulging in sexual fantasies with fantasy people, being on
the phone to the sex hot-lines, or frantically searching the net and the S&M clubs for
someone who will act out a particular, ritualized fetish fantasy, or cruising the bars
searching for the “one” who will have sex in a public toilet, or going to dungeons to be
whipped, flogged and humiliated, sex addiction is a devastating illness that takes an
enormous toll.
Friends slip away. Hobbies and activities once enjoyed are dropped. Financial security
crumbles as sums as high as $40,000 or $50,000 a year are spent on sex. Then there is
perpetual fear of exposure. Relationships with partners are ruined, as the appeal of
intimate sex with a partner pales in comparison to the intense “high” of indulging in the
dark and devious world of sexual compulsion.
Sex Addiction Is Not Fun
Sex addicts, on the whole, are not having fun. They suffer from the shame, self-hatred and
humiliation which are the fodder in which they live. And yet, they are consumed by an
irresistible impulse to keep returning to the experience of intense, euphoric pleasure that
they know will create suffering for them in the long run.
Further emotional costs include fear and anxiety, sadness and depression, anger, disgust
with yourself, boredom, a sense of existential lonesomeness, emotional instability, and
feelings of worthlessness. There may be reduction in personal integrity if dishonesty and
acting out are at odds with core values and beliefs.
With time, the compulsion begins to strip away all that the person holds dear: close
relationships, enjoyable activities and hobbies, trust between himself and his partner,
quality time with children, having a spiritual/moral center, commitment to productive,
meaningful employment and financial security.
Yet there is a more subtle, more insidious cost of sexual acting out that, to my mind, exacts
the highest cost of this addiction. From a developmental point of view, addiction to sex
keeps you in an infantile holding pattern, hindering your path to maturity and your growth
as a human being. In what ways?
How Sex Addiction Keeps You “Stuck”
 When you use a mood-alternating behavior to mask negative feelings like
depression and anxiety, the issues that give rise to those unwanted states are never
understood or resolved. The result? You’re stuck with them forever.
 When you use sexuality as a pivotal part of your personal identity, other aspects of
your personality don’t blossom.

4.  When you use sex/porn/masturbation as a primary or exclusive coping mechanism,
you don’t learn to develop higher-level coping skills (like problem solving,
assertiveness skills, altruism, or humor that would make your life a lot smoother
and allow you to have better regulation of inner states.
 Every time you give in to an impulse to behave sexually, you’re missing an
opportunity to cultivate the skill of impulse control. Research shows that individuals
with high degrees of impulse control do better in life in all areas.
 A healthy personality has the capacity for intimacy and the capacity for compassion.
Engaging in compulsive sexual acts is a totally narcissistic act. You are not
concerned with others, rather seeing people only as need-satisfying objects.
 Mature people do not distort reality to make it compatible with their wants and
fears. They accept reality for what it is and adapt to it. Sex addicts, on the other
hand, denounce reality in favor of sexual preoccupation and overactive sexual
fantasies.
 The time and energy expended in your sexual “thing” is non-creative, non-
productive energy. Healthy people have in place a set of meaningful, realistic goals
and use their time and energy in achieving them. If a particular goal turns out to be
unattainable, they cultivate new goals.
 As we’ve seen, the costs of active sex addiction are many. You may be having severe
marital problems or, at the very least, decreased connection and intimacy with your
partner. Have you been spending quality time with your children? Does staying up
all night looking at Internet porn leave you sleep deprived and drained of energy for
your work, your hobbies, friends, formally valued recreation and hobbies? Do you
feel a sense of being “stuck” in our life – that there’s no growth or change or
movement?
A question for you: What is the likelihood of these problems continuing if your behavior
remains unchanged?
The Delicious Benefits Of Sex Addiction
Why do we addicts chase the fix again, and again, and again, despite whatever horrific
consequences must be faced?
I’m fond of saying that addiction is hard to treat because IT WORKS!! Let’s face it.
Contemplating walking away from intense, super-stimulating sexual pleasure isn’t easy.
That’s certainly one of the “benefits” of your addiction. But there are many other benefits,
some of which you may not even be aware of. Ask yourself: What does my particular sexual
“thing” do for me psychologically? Many different things, I suspect. Is it power? Control?
Stress-reduction? A sense of connection? The rush of being desired by many women? Or is
it the need to be recognized, seen as competent, acknowledged for who you really are and

5. still be accepted? What are the psychological benefits YOU receive from sexual acting-out?
How do you perceive your sexual behaviors as meeting deeper needs than the need for sex?
Neurotransmitter release in the brain accounts for your feeling of euphoria that leads the
way into the “erotic haze” where you can spend as much as five hours a day feeling
entranced, safe, thrilled, and excited with an enhanced sense of well-being. Not self-esteem,
mind you, because building self-esteem requires work, Perhaps an exaggerated, slightly
grandiose part of yourself takes over and through sexual fantasy, you can feel totally
empowered.
There’s some pretty powerful benefits, wouldn’t you say?
The addict repeatedly loses himself and his life-realities in the emotions and sensations
generated by sexual fantasy and behaviors. In “The Erotic Haze”, the addict is finally
soothed and comforted in a way that may have been missing from his childhood. Time
spent in “The Erotic Haze” is stress-and- anxiety free and meets unmet pressing,
narcissistic needs. Sex addiction is a narcissistic behavior because the only exclusive
concern is about him and his pleasure. In the Erotic Haze, there is perfect control. In it he
achieves blissful satisfaction that is unavailable to him in real life.
Sexual enactment is the addict’s only source of safety, pleasure, soothing and acceptance. It
vitalizes and connects. It relieves loneliness, emptiness and depression.
The sex addict has anxiety about being unable to get what he needs from real people. His
desperate search for the fulfillment of unmet childhood needs inevitably ends in
disillusionment. So he returns to his reliance on sexual fantasies and enactments to lessen
anxiety about connection and intimacy and as a way to achieve a sense of self-affirmation.
Sex, for the addict, begins to be his primary value and a confirmation of his sense of self.
Feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and worthlessness magically disappear while sexually
preoccupied, through acting out or through spending untold hours on the Internet.
By losing himself in sexual fantasies and constantly seeing others as potential sex partners,
or by erotic Internet enactments, the sex addict is able to significantly reduce and control a
wide variety of threatening and uncomfortable emotional states. Diminished depression,
anxiety and rage are some of the payoffs.
In my experience working with sex addicts, there usually comes a distinct “point”, as
though a bell goes off in their heads, or a gear in their brain moves and they get it!! The
Moment of Clarity so much discussed in AA. It’s the moment when you get it in your guts
that the benefits aren’t worth the cost.
Then you’re really ready to do RECOVERY.

6. A Cost/Benefit Analysis Of Sexual Recovery
Now let’s examine a cost/benefit analysis of a commitment to a long-term recovery
program.
The cost of recovery is willingness to be open to change, insight and goal-directed actions.
You must pay the cost of risking going to people, who can sometimes be arbitrary and
unavailable, to get your needs met rather than turning to an addiction.
In recovery, you will no doubt grieve the loss of your compulsive sexual behaviors. After all,
they’ve been with you for oh -so -long a time and you’ve relied on them for so many things
in addition to sexual pleasure. Your “Erotic Haze” has been your safe haven from the storms
of life stressors, interpersonal conflict, and negative emotional states for many, many years.
However, following the painful process of grieving a loss a new chapter in your life
emerges.
The benefits of recovery are many. Freedom from a self-imposed, compulsive state where
you suffer the self-esteem diminishing experience of not being able to control your own
behavior. Freedom from having to lie and hide, more free time, increased productivity on
the job, the ability to rebuild a sense of self-mastery and self-efficacy (the belief that you
can do what’s required on you), clearer thinking, better decision making, adequate sleep.
Emotional regulation. Ability to experience non-sexual pleasures of ordinary life. A
template of what’s healthy, hot, connected sexuality with a cherished one can be. A better
spouse, friend, parent, friend, son and employee. You can live better without it! You really
can!