The Biology of Belonging Loretta Breuning, PhD
 If belonging were easy, we would not be talking about it. Belonging is not easy, and that’s hard to explain since it feels so good. Biology can help us explain. Animals seek safety in numbers in order to survive. Natural selection built a brain that rewards you with a good feeling when you find social support. The good feeling is produced by the chemical, “oxytocin.” We humans seek social support because oxytocin makes it feel good. You may have heard that touch stimulates oxytocin, but it’s more complicated. Touching someone you don’t trust feels bad. Oxytocin comes from trust. But how do you know who to trust? Neurons connect when oxytocin flows, and that wires you to turn on the good feeling more easily in similar future circumstances. Each brain looks for social trust in ways that worked for it before. It would be nice to enjoy oxytocin all the time, but our brain does not work that way. Trusting everyone all the time would not promote survival. Our brain evolved to make careful decisions about when to release oxytocin. For herd animals, isolation means instant death in the jaws of a predator. The mammal brain releases the bad feeling of cortisol when it sees that it’s isolated. Cortisol is relieved when a mammal returns to its herd, but a different bad feeling results when it competes for grass that others have trampled on. We mammals long for greener pasture, but when you go your own way, your oxytocin falls and your corisol rises. What’s a big-brained mammal to do? Animals have a simple solution: they gather when predators lurk, and space out as threats subside. Baboons quickly forget their differences when a lion approaches. Humans do the same. We bond against common enemies because oxytocin makes it feel good. But we pay a high price for this strategy. Your groups dwell on “enemies,” and the fear keeps you following the herd when you’d rather not. It’s not easy being a mammal! To make life even harder, cortisol is triggered by disappointed trust. We are disappointed with our friends and family a lot because we expect so much from them. Cortisol makes it feel like a survival threat even though you don’t consciously think that. Neurons connect when cortisol flows, so the bad feeling turns on faster in similar future situations. The solution is to recognize that belonging as a skill. We all build that skill all the time. My children cannot learn the skill if I create belonging for them. They have to learn it by taking small steps toward social trust, again and again. Each step connects neurons that make the next step easier. It’s the same for adults!Know why belonging is hard so you can transcend the obstacles and meet the need.

1. The Biology of
Belonging
Loretta Graziano Breuning, PhD
Inner Mammal Institute

2. Most mammals live in
a herd or pack or troop

3. We tend to idealize their
social bonds

4. The truth is that animals have
a lot of conflict in their groups

5. But they stick together for
protection from predators

6. When predator threat is low, they
spread out in search of greener pasture

7. We humans do the same

8. We like our independence, but
when we feel threatened, we look
for the safety of social support.

9. Mammals forget their differences and
unite when they face a common enemy

10. In the groups you belong to, you can
hear the focus on common enemies

11. Unfortunate
consequences result

12. Biology can help us understand our
impulses and find a better way

13. 1
Why our brain urgently seeks
the good feeling of belonging
2
Why it’s hard to get
3
New ways to get it

14. 1
Why our brain urgently
seeks the good feeling of
belonging

15. An isolated mammal is
quickly killed by predators

16. Natural selection built a brain that
rewards you with the good feeling of
oxytocin when you find social support

17. Oxytocin motivates us to find social
support by making it feel good

18. When you
leave the
herd, your
oxytocin
falls, and
you feel
threatened

19. The threatened feeling
motivates you to do what it
takes to stimulate oxytocin

20. Oxytocin creates the sense that
it’s safe to lower your guard

21. It feels so good that we
constantly seek more

22. 2
Why it’s hard to get

23. Our brain is
not designed
to release
oxytocin all
the time for
no reason

24. That would not promote survival
because you would lower your
guard when you shouldn’t

25. The mammal brain evolved to
make careful decisions about
when to release oxytocin

26. How to
decide?

27. Your verbal brain doesn’t
control the chemicals
the way you
might think

28. Neurons connect when oxytocin
flows, and that wires you to turn it on
more easily in similar circumstances

29. So each brain is eager to repeat
behaviors that triggered the good
feeling in its past

30. Oxytocin is released in short
spurts that are quickly metabolized

31. So you have to keep doing
things to trigger it

32. You may have heard that
touch triggers oxytocin

33. But it’s complicated

34. In the state of nature, anyone
close enough to touch you is
close enough to kill you

35. You don’t let someone
close unless your
oxytocin turns
on to tell you
it’s safe

36. Trust
comes before touch

37. Hugging someone you don’t
trust doesn’t feel good

38. Trust is what the mammal
brain is really looking for

39. We define trust with
oxytocin pathways
built from past experience

40. When your
trust is
betrayed,
your cortisol
surges because
the threat is
so close

41. That wires you NOT to
trust in similar situations

42. Each brain expects conflict or
rejection where they found it before

43. Each brain seeks belonging
in ways that worked before

44. We all see the world through
the lens of past experience

45. It’s not easy being
mammal!

47. 3
new oxytocin strategies
1. Build one-to-one trust skills
2. Small steps, repeated
3. Realistic expectations

48. 1
Build one-to-one trust skills

49. Build trust with individuals
and you’re less dependent
on the herd for your oxytocin

50. This is hard! That’s why
herd-following is popular!

51. But it’s a skill everyone
can learn with practice

52. Confidence in
your own trust-
building skills
allows you to
take independent
steps without
feeling like your
survival is
threatened

53. 2
small steps, repeated

54. Small acts of trust
stimulate oxytocin

55. You can’t
control
the other
person’s
response

56. Don’t wait for any one
individual to reciprocate

57. Keep taking small
steps toward others

58. Repetition builds a neural
pathway that EXPECTS trust

59. Mirror neurons help them mirror you

60. Small steps are enough if
you keep repeating them

61. You will build
positive
expectations
about social
support

62. 3
Realistic expectations

63. It feels like no one understands
you because each brain is wired
by its own unique experience

64. In
childhood,
survival
depends
on being
understood

65. This wires in strong feelings
about being understood that
remain with us for life

66. The electricity in the brain flows
like water in a storm, finding the
paths of least resistance

67. Thus we repeat old patterns
without conscious intent

68. If you cling to an idealized
view of human nature,
everyone falls short

69. You can
find fault
with
everyone

70. Some
reality
checks

71. You may think animals “stick together,”
but each pushes its way toward the center
as if its life depends on it

72. Reptiles don’t have oxytocin
except during reproduction

73. Oxytocin
allows
mammals to
form
attachments

74. But the brain constantly
weighs the survival benefits

75. Mammals cooperate when
the reward is mutual

76. Our brain evolved to
promote survival,
not to make you feel good all the time

77. It saves the happy
chemicals for behaviors
that promote survival

78. You seek belonging
because it meets
YOUR survival needs

79. Others seek belonging
because it meets
THEIR survival needs

80. We all have ups and downs
shaped by old pathways

81. Understanding the mammal
brain helps us manage it better

82. podcasts
videos
infographics
training
slide shows (incl this)
5-day Happy-Chemical Jumpstart
InnerMammalInstitute.org

83. Habits of a
Happy Brain
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84. TAME
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Rewiring Your Brain
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85. The Science
of Positivity
Stop Negative
Thought Patterns
By Changing Your
Brain Chemistry
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