1. 12 SPECIAL REPORT: SUICIDE Waterford News & Star
May 21, 2013
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SUICIDE knocked on the
doorofMagsDurandO’Con-
nor’slife,notonce,buttwice,
in the space of one year.
Tragedyfirststruckwhenher
brotherKenDuranddiedjust
seven days before Christmas
in 2010. In November 2011
she found her beloved hus-
band Donal dead in the
housetheyshared,shattering
herlifeforasecondtime.
Mags, from Ballybeg, met
Donal in 2004 through her
brother Ken, affectionately
known as Nen. They were at
a party and connected
immediately, and soon after
becameacouple.
“DonalandNenhadacou-
ple of qualities in common.
They were both huge big
men, both over 6ft. But they
were both big cuddly men,
loversnotfighters.Theywere
really generous, irreverent
andverydirect.Apartyliter-
allydidn’tstartuntiltheboys
arrived.Thethreeofusdida
lot together,” Mags recalled
withasmile.
Donal, originally from
Dunmore East, suffered
heartachein2007,whenthe
PereCharlessankandhelost
hisfatherBilly.
“That was a very difficult
timeforhimastheynevergot
his body back,” Mags
recalled.However,therewas
happinessforthecouple,asa
year after the tragedy Donal
proposedandathrilledMags
accepted.
“At that stage he had got-
tenovertheworstanditwas
areallyhappytimeforus.We
actually had our first foreign
holiday that year. While we
were away he disappeared
one morning and he rang
me. He was after getting my
initials tattooed on his neck.
It was lovely because we
couldn’taffordtogetmarried
straight away and that was
his way of showing his com-
mitment,”shesaid.
TRAGEDY
OneMay15,2010thepair
tied the knot. Seven months
later, on December 17, Mags
younger brother Ken was
found dead in his home in
Ballybeg.Hehaddiedbysui-
cide.
“Itwasashockbecausehe
had been such a ball of life,”
Mags said, recalling her
brother’s love of motorbikes
andsenseoffun.
“He was having some
problems, was under a lot of
pressure and in a toxic rela-
tionship that was very dam-
aging. Now it was just for a
periodofsixweeks,itwasn’t
an extended period of
depression. It was six weeks
where we all knew he was
down.
“Theweekbeforehedied,
I remember saying to Donal,
I think he’s turned a corner
because he seemed more
upbeat. Now, through the
research I’ve done, I’ve
learned that he had come to
his decision. The research
says it’s because that person
is at peace with their choice
(that they appear positive),
but everyone around them
thinksthey’regoingtobeok.”
NO INDICATION
Itwouldbelessthanayear
before Mags found her hus-
band dead upstairs in their
houseinClonardPark,Bally-
beg.
“There wasn’t a period of
him being down. There was
no real indication,” she said,
althoughsherecognisesthat
there were some pressures
thathewasfacing.
“Hewasworkinginsecuri-
tyandhelosthisjob.Hewas
probably feeling the loss of
Nenanddidn’twanttoputit
over on me. I do think there
was a strain from that and
obviouslyfromhisfatherand
losinghisjob,butIdothinkit
was a spur of the moment
thing. It’s like something
snapped. There was nothing
differentintermsofhisusual
routine. It’s not like it was
planned.
“My birthday is at the end
ofNovemberandhehadput
awayapresentforme.When
I first started going out with
himIhadthisreallynastylit-
tlewatchandhefeltsorryfor
me so for every birthday we
were together he bought me
awatch.Weusedtojokethat
bythetimewewereoldwe’d
havethishousethatjustwent
‘ticktock’.Hehadbeenplan-
ningonbeingaroundformy
birthdayandIstilltothisday
can’t get my head around
that.”
Not only that but Mags
had been offered a job in
Dungarvan Enterprise Cen-
tre, where she is currently
employed,justbeforehedied
andthecouplehaddiscussed
movingtoDungarvan.
“Wehadbeenplanningfor
the future,” she said, as she
held onto an anniversary
card given to her by her hus-
band earlier that year, in
whichhesaidhewaslooking
forward to many more years
together.
With emotion weighing
heavily on her voice, she
recalled the morning she
foundDonal.
“He’dhadafewdrinksthe
night before. I was down-
stairsinthelivingroomandI
hadabadfeelinginmystom-
ach.ItkillsmetothisdayasI
was watching television,
thinking I’ll leave him sleep.
It went past 2pm and I
thought he would always be
upbynow.Ifinallyventured
in and found him. I tried to
get him to wake up but he
was obviously dead,” she
said, her eyes filling with
tears.
The rest is much of a blur
for Mags, but the impact
remainsclear18monthson.
“I was stunned. It’s like
you’re after getting hit by a
truck. It’s very hard to
believe, and the first feeling
that hits you is guilt, straight
overyou.
“Donal had such a great
relationship with his mother
and I kept saying to the Gar-
dai, no, he wouldn’t do that
to her. I could not compute
and to this day I still can’t
compute,”shesaid.
Mags said the pair spoke
constantly and she felt she
kneweverythingabouthim.
“We used to make people
sick. We went into our own
bubblewhenweweretogeth-
er. I thought we told each
other everything, we spoke
everyday. From October 7 to
October 31 I had 1,288 mes-
sagesonthephonefromhim.
That’s a lot, considering that
we were living with each
other. We spoke all day,
everyday.”
DEVASTATION
She said the bereavement
experienced following a sui-
cideisdevastating.
“The devastation it leaves
behind, I don’t think anyone
who takes their life realises
that. It’s a different bereave-
ment to losing someone by
an illness. The fact that they
chosetodieissohardtoswal-
lowanditleavesyouwithso
manyquestions.
“You replay every conver-
sation that you ever had.
Could I have done more?
Should I have done more?
Couldn’thetalktome?Could
I have made more time for
him?CouldIhavestoppedit,
basically?
“You want to think you
couldhavemadeadifference
and the guilt is very hard to
carry. Sometimes it literally
eatsatyou.
“There’s also the shock,
thesheerhorrorofitandthe
sadness that they couldn’t
stay. You know they loved
you but it’s hard to get into
theirstateofmind.”
From speaking to those
who have made attempts at
their life, Mags has learned
thatinmanycasestheydon’t
thinkaboutthefinalityofthe
act.
“I spoke to one man who
had six failed attempts and I
asked him what he was
thinkingofatthetimeandhe
said just getting away from
the pain. He said he didn’t
think of living or dying, but
just stopping the pain that
takesoverhisbody.”
PLEA
“Forpeoplewhoarethink-
ingofsuicideIwouldjustbeg
themtotalktosomeoneand
tryandgetpastit.Thingswill
alwaysgetbetter.Lifegoesin
cycles.There’sanexpression,
thingswillneverbeasbadas
this and things will never be
as good as this. Life is made
up of cycles. You need to be
resilient enough to get past
thebad.Iknowit’snoteasyif
your mind is not set for it.
There’s something out there
foreveryone.
“The devastation it leaves
behind, I don’t think anyone
who takes their life realises
that.Researchshows,thatfor
everypersonthatdiesbysui-
cidethere’ssixpeopleaffect-
ed, deeply affected. That’s
sevenlives,ifyouincludethe
person who’s gone, that’s
sevenlivesdevastated.
“People need to under-
stand that they are valued.
Peopleneedtothinkofthose
around them, I know people
in that state of mind don’t
thinkthatway,theyprobably
think people will be better
off.Ifyoucouldgetpeopleto
be mindful enough before
they get depressed that may
help.
“I do think I learned a lot
fromhim.Hegavemealotof
thingswhenhewashereand
Left behindMAGS Durand O’Connor was bereaved by suicide twice in the space of 12 months. Her
husband and her brother were both just 32 when they died some months apart. Here
she talks to reporter MMaarryy EElllleenn BBrreeeenn about the sheer horror of finding a loved one who
has died by suicide, coping with the devastating loss and urges those feeling suicidal to
seek help or simply talk.
Donal O’Connor and Ken (Nen) Durand