This presentation is for caregivers of the mentally ill. It addresses a common difficulty when you have a loved one with mental illness – when to emphasize kindness and when to emphasize limit setting and how best to combine these approaches to help your loved one and to care for your own well-being.

1. Created December 2020
Balancing Compassionate
Kindness with Limit Setting
Presented by
Ingrid Waldron & Sarah Freudberg
of NAMI Main Line PA,
an affiliate of the National Alliance on Mental Illness
(see contact information on the last slide)
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2. • All of us need encouragement, appreciation
and positive comments/affirmations. This is
especially true for people with mental
illness.
• Sometimes, instead of dealing with
problems after they arise, it is more
effective to create a positive, supportive
environment that can prevent problems.
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3. • Identify and deal with any anger or fears you
may have.
• Anger indicates that something needs to
change. What?
• Reframe: Remember that his difficult
behavior is often a symptom of his mental
illness rather than unkind or manipulative
behavior that he could stop if he would only
try.
• Talk with a trusted friend, support groups,
physical activity, meditating, etc.
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4. • A compassionate boundary is a boundary
or limit that is compassionate both to myself
and to my loved one.
• Compassionate to myself means:
o recognizing my own limits, needs and
wants
o asking for what I need to feel safe and
maintain my own well-being.
• Compassionate to my loved one means:
o expressing the boundary with kindness
o a willingness to compromise with their
needs and desires
o in their long-term best interest.
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5. Questions to think about:
• How can you apply what you've
just learned to your situation?
• What compassionate boundary do
you want to set?
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6. Setting limits
First and Foremost: Self Care!
• On the airplane- put your own mask
on before assisting others
• Safety is paramount in self-care
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7. What prevents us from setting limits and
expectations?
• Guilt
• Fear of what might happen to our loved one
• Fear of how they may react to our
limit/expectation
What mindset do we need to
have to override these fears?
• Acknowledge your fears, own them
• Ask yourself: what will happen if you DON’T
set this limit/expectation?
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8. Ready to Set a Limit or Expectation
-be prepared to negotiate or differentiate
your expectations, taking into
consideration:
1) Making reachable goals
2) Setting your loved ones up for success
3) Meeting them where they are
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9. Baby Steps
-Limit setting is most successful
when done slowly and in
increments
-again: small, reachable goals
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10. Who’s in Charge?
-You ARE the authority of the limit,
expectation, and outcome
-You are NOT the authority of the
conversation
(Why not?)
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11. Listening and Understanding
-“Compassion”- the roots of the word
mean to literally “suffer with.”
-Compassion turns sympathy into
empathy
-Empathy is understanding
-You cannot understand if you don’t
listen
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12. Why Listening is Key
-feeling heard leads to feeling safe
-feeling safe leads to feeling trust
-feeling trust leads to your loved
one knowing that your limit-
setting is in their best interest
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13. Team Mentality
-there should be no “my side/your side.”
-establish common goals at start of
conversation
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14. Active Listening
1) mirror what you heard them say,
regardless of whether or not you
agree with it
2) ask follow up questions so that:
a. they know you heard them
b. they know you are interested in
what they said/feel
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15. Don’t listen in order to respond…
…listen in order to understand.
WOW, right?!
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16. Questions to think about:
• What is a limit that you want to set, but
you haven't succeeded in setting yet?
• What is getting in the way of setting this
limit?
• What is a new approach you could try?
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17. Additional Resources
• Communicating with a Loved One
Who Has a Mental Illness
• Multiple Resources for Coping with
Mental Illnesses
• Family Members and Caregivers –
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship
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18. Additional Resources
• We encourage you to take advantage of
Family-to-Family, support groups and
other help offered by NAMI –
https://namimainlinepa.org/ and
https://nami.org/Home.
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19. Presented by NAMI PA, Main Line
an affiliate of
the National Alliance on Mental Illness
www.NAMIMainLinePA.org
info@NAMIMainLinePA.org
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