The cast and crew of the long-running sitcom "Pryde and Joy" are growing tired of each other after many seasons together. Tensions are rising as characters have their own problems. Valerie surprises the group by wearing padded breasts to look more developed, worrying the others about her future plans. Geoffrey criticizes the show's scripts again while Max defends the comedy format.

1. LIVE FROM
HOLLYWOOD...
A Comedy in two acts
by
Nebbie Brown

2. Plot: The story of the cast and crew of a successful long-running 50’s style situation comedy,
“Pryde and Joy”. After working together for an extended period of time, everyone is starting to
wear on each other’s nerves. Each character has his or her own personality, quirks, and problems
and its becoming increasingly difficult to interact with one another. Although everyone
continues to try to work together, the breaking point is quickly approaching...
Cast of Characters:
Camille Fairchild (“Joy Pryde”) [The female lead of the show]
Lance Burroughs (“Alan Pryde”) [The male lead of the show]
Hazel Cadwallader (“Ruth Pilansky”) [The supporting actress of the show]
Geoffrey Dinsmore (“Mitchell Pilansky”) [The supporting actor of the show]
Valerie Headings (“Katie Pryde”) [Teenage supporting actress]
Zachary McMahon [Director of the series]
Peyton Summers [Zachary’s assistant]
Max Bodenstein [Head writer of the series]
Producer [Unnamed and unseen; voice only]
Eric Gregory [Camille Fairchild’s agent]
Setting: The action takes place on the set of the television show, Pryde and Joy. The set is split
in half between two rooms. The room on the left is a kitchen, and the room on the right is a
living room. There is a wall with a doorway dividing the two rooms. The decor of the set is a
simple yet tasteful 50’s upper middle-class style; along the lines of “Leave It to Beaver”, “Father
Knows Best”, etc...
Character Descriptions:
Camille Fairchild: A diva in every sense of the word. The success of the show revolves around
her and she knows it. She adores the limelight and being the center of attention. She is a gifted
comedic actress and is not afraid to do physical or slapstick comedy but she has dreams of going
on to bigger and better roles. She wants to break into motion pictures and start portraying more
dramatic characters but she has been typecast into the role of a “dizzy housewife,” and no studio
is willing to take a chance on her.
Lance Burroughs: The stereotypical handsome leading man and the heart of the cast. He is
content with his part in the series and wants to use it to secure his financial future for as long as
possible. Thanks to his good looks, he has a considerable female fan base. His biggest problem
is that he is stuck in an on-and-off screen “romance” with Camille, which was cooked up by the
studio to keep fans interested in the show. He has no romantic feelings for Camille but cannot
get out of the relationship because she has bought into the “fantasy” and thinks she has feelings
for LANCE: He has been involved with Peyton Summers for some time but they have had to
keep their relationship a secret. Bit by bit, the press has discovered his “affair” but has yet to
discover Peyton’s identity.

3. Hazel Cadwallader: A show business veteran. Her career started on the stage, progressed into
movies, and has since settled into television. She has a history of being one of the true party
animals of Hollywood in her younger days and continues to live up her reputation to this day.
Whenever she is in front of the camera or an audience, she is the consummate actress. Away
from the audience, she is rarely seen without a drink of some sort in her hand and even more
rarely seen sober.
Geoffrey Dinsmore: A classically-trained Shakespearean actor who is also a veteran of show
business. In his prime, he was revered for his talent. Age, however, has not been kind to him
and as he’s grown older, the parts stopped coming. He accepted the role of “Mitchell” to keep
himself in the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed, but he resents the simplicity of the
scripts and lack of depth of his character and he blames Max, the head writer, for such.
Valerie Headings: A child actress who has literally grown up in front of the camera. She has
been part of the series since the beginning and is now in her teens. She used to get her share of
attention by being the cute and precocious child, but as she has gotten older, the attention has
shifted away. She has started to become more rebellious to garner more attention from the
media.
Zachary McMahon: Originally hailed as a “boy wonder” director; set to take Hollywood by
storm. It was his idea to go back to the concept of a weekly “live” series. At what first seemed
like a challenge has become a grind since no other director has been anxious to follow his lead
and be willing to direct in Zachary’s place. His dream is to move on to feature films and become
a leading director of horror movies but he feels trapped and burned out from doing the series for
so long.
Max Bodenstein: An aficionado of classic television, this seemed to be the perfect opportunity to
make money while working on his true passion, writing dramatic plays. Over time, his dreams
have taken a back seat to his occupation as it becomes more difficult to find new ideas for the
series. He longs to be the next Tennessee Williams or Arthur Miller, but feels he cannot escape
from the show that keeps him creatively stagnant.
Peyton Summers: Officially, an assistant to Zachary but unofficially, the assistant to the entire
cast. She juggles everyone’s needs, demands, and problems to keep the show running as
smoothly as possible. Without her, the show would develop into total chaos. Peyton enjoys her
position but is more than fed up with being treated as Camille’s “go-fer”. Her frustration is
multiplied by the secrecy of her and Lance’s relationship. Other than announcing to the world
that she and Lance are a couple, the only other thing that would soothe Peyton’s nerves is a
chance to put Camille in her place.

4. Producer: Unseen by the audience and the cast. Only present as a voice over the loudspeaker
and comes across similar to the “Voice of God”. He is the “liaison” between the show and the
network but he is the ultimate authority to the cast and crew. You never know he’s there until he
speaks and when he speaks, it’s usually not good news.
Eric Gregory: One of the premiere casting agents in Hollywood. His style is very much that of
Jerry Maguire and he can “ooze and schmooze” with the best of them. Currently, he handles
Camille as a client but for once, he cannot deliver on a promise to get Camille a dramatic leading
role in a major motion picture.
Joey Blake: The warm-up person for “Pryde and Joy.” The one responsible for getting the
audience ready before the show begins.
D.J. Applegate: Private investigator for Spotlight Investigations; the firm hired by Camille
Fairchild to trail and report on the activities of Lance Burroughs.
Messenger: Young man of roughly high school age. Ideally, someone of a “surfer dude” nature
and way of speaking.
Gwen: Camille’s personal assistant. She is more than willing to suck up to Camille to share in
her limelight but whenever Camille gets angry, Gwen is deathly afraid of her.
DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
The characters of Camille, Lance, Valerie, Hazel, and Geoffrey must develop two distinct
personalities and voices since they portray characters in a television series. The second
personalities and voices need to be used when the television episode is being performed and
should be roughly the opposite of the character’s normal personality. Suggestions for the voices
are as follows:
CAMILLE: Upbeat, perky, and light; much like a Donna Reed character or Dharma from
Dharma and Greg.
LANCE: Strong and authoritative; much like Father Knows Best.
VALERIE: Sweet and innocent
HAZEL: Pleasant yet wise; much like Marion Cunningham from Happy Days.
GEOFFREY: Gruff and unrefined; much like a Mr. Wilson type from Dennis the Menace.

5. ACT ONE
(The lighting should be set to illuminate the entire stage, much light stage lighting for a
rehearsal. This lighting should stay in effect until the “episode” begins, at which point, the
lighting will change to highlight the set itself. Until the “episode” starts, the cast can utilize the
entire boundary of the stage. Once the “episode” begins, the cast is limited to the “living room
and kitchen areas to help create the illusion of being on a set.)
MAX: (Enters from L., talking on cell phone) I don’t care how many cocktail dresses we have in
wardrobe, the scene calls for an evening gown and that’s what I want. We start rehearsing for
this episode tomorrow and I want that gown ready by the time we get into dress rehearsal.
(Pause) No, I really don’t want to reuse a gown from a previous show. (Pause) I know we have
plenty of dresses and that there’s probably something in our inventory that will work, but I don’t
care what we have in stock. What I wrote calls for a specific type of dress and that’s what I
want! (Pause) No, I’m not willing to compromise on this! I compromise too much as is! I’ve
seen the figures and I know that we’re nowhere near going over budget for costuming. If you
can’t understand that, then take it up with Zach, he’ll back me up on this! (Pause) When I wrote
the scene, I wanted Joy to come out in an evening gown that makes her look drop dead gorgeous.
That’s what I want so make it happen! (Shuts off phone and looks at it disgustedly) God, I miss
the old days when you could slam a receiver down on somebody. Cell phones have ruined the
art of having an argument.
(Geoffrey enters from L. His pace is slow and deliberate, almost as if he’s doing a processional
across the set. He walks past Max, ignoring him)
MAX: Afternoon, GEOFFREY: Ready for today’s show?
GEOFFREY: (Stopping) As ready as one can be, I expect, Mr. Bodenstein. (His tone is cold)
MAX: (Sighs) All right, what is it this week? What’s wrong now?
GEOFFREY: (Turning to Max) Is there really a point for my being here? My character has so
few lines in this episode, it’s not worth my time to suffer through this... this... tripe.
MAX: Tripe? I wouldn’t exactly call it tripe now.
GEOFFREY: Then you, sir, are oblivious to the meaning of the word “tripe”, even though you
produce such an abundance of it on a regular basis!
MAX: How many times do we have to go through this? It’s a sitcom! I have to come up with a
beginning, middle, and end that fits in twenty-two minutes! I can’t translate Homer’s Odyssey

6. into something that people are going to sit through and laugh at!
GEOFFREY: At least you could make an effort! This... drivel... is an absolute waste of my
talents as an actor!
MAX: Don’t you think I’ve tried to come up with scripts with some substance? Stories that have
more relevance to the issues of the world? People don’t want to be reminded of what they’ve
heard about all day, they want to laugh!
GEOFFREY: I have nothing against making people laugh. In fact, it is more of a challenge to
make people laugh than it is to make them cry. What I am against is this infantile level of humor
that we are forced to lower ourselves to in order to accomplish such a feat. If the Bard were to
read this, he would surely hang his head in shame.
MAX: Geoffrey, I’m sorry that we all don’t have the Shakespearean training and experience that
you’ve had, but you can’t fit Shakespeare into a thirty minute show! I’m also sorry that your
precious Bard wasn’t the first to discover slapstick comedy. If he had, it might have changed his
style of writing.
GEOFFREY: Never mention the Bard and slapstick in the same sentence again! The comedies
of Shakespeare were written for audiences of intelligence, not the common masses that we
perform for. Let me ask you, have you ever attempted in your career as a writer to create an
intelligent level of comedy?
MAX: Are you kidding? Of course I have! I’ve got dozens of scripts that have nothing to do
with physical comedy but guess what? Nobody wants to see that! It’s easier to get laughs by
having someone walk into a closed door or slip on a banana peel! It’s a different world,
Geoffrey, and people don’t always want to have to think to find humor.
GEOFFREY: Perhaps if you would defend your work to the studios as passionately as you do
with me, they might consent to give your “higher” works a chance.
MAX: Don’t you think I’ve tried? I’ve argued and pleaded until I’m blue in the face! Unless it’s
Newhart or Frasier, they don’t even want to see it. After eight seasons, Pryde and Joy is not
going to do an about-face and go from physical comedy to highbrow comedy. End of story!
Live with it!
GEOFFREY: Never! I shall continue to protest these poor excuses for comedy until my voice is
heard!
MAX: We hear your voice! Every time we hear it, it’s like hearing fingernails across a
chalkboard!

7. GEOFFREY: You, sir, are a miserable excuse of a writer.
MAX: And you’re a pompous windbag!
CAMILLE: (Entering from L) Oh no! Are you two at it again? Please! Geoffrey! For one
week, spare us the sob story about the “substandard” quality of the scripts. We’re all sick to
death of hearing about it!
GEOFFREY: Naturally, Miss Fairchild, you would protest against this as all the stories revolve
around you. Why change what makes you such an icon to the uneducated masses?
CAMILLE: I do not even want to go into this right now. I have enough problems of my own to
deal with to bother sparring with you today.
VALERIE: (Entering from L She is wearing a top that helps to show off a pair of voluptuous
breasts) Aww, what’sa matter? Did you bust a zipper on one of your Vera Wang dresses again?
CAMILLE: (Her back to Valerie) Listen up, Precious, I am not in any mood for any of your sass
either! (Turning to face Valerie) I have half a mind to slap that smart mouth of yours... Oh my
God! What happened to you? (Camille has noticed that Valerie’s breasts are well-endowed)
VALERIE: (Showing off) Like ‘em? It’s amazing how much attention I’ve received just
walking to the studio today. You should’ve been there when I went through the mall!
GEOFFREY: Dear heavens, child! Have you had some sort of allergic reaction that has
centralized in your chest? Not that I’m attempting to sound lecherous, but those were nowhere
near that... abundant... yesterday.
MAX: Valerie, what have you done? There’s no way Zach’s going to let you do today’s show
with those! How in the world am I going to try to explain that?
CAMILLE: Where is Zach? There’s no way I’m going to let you step onstage with those
monstrosities! The audience will never take their eyes off of them! Where on earth did you get
that done so fast? And do you think I can get in for an appointment?
VALERIE: Oh, relax, people! They’re not even real!
CAMILLE: That’s obvious! But they do look rather convincing. Are they still sensitive or can I
touch them?
VALERIE: Sure, you can touch them! I’ll even let you hold them! (Valerie reaches into her top
and pulls out her breast enhancements and tosses them to CAMILLE: Camille shrieks in
surprise)

8. MAX: They’re padded? Valerie, you almost gave me a heart attack!
VALERIE: Of course they’re padded! You think I can get a boob job overnight?
GEOFFREY: Child, this is Hollywood. These days, anything is possible.
VALERIE: Not without parental consent. I’m thinking of asking for them for my birthday and I
wanted to try them out before I make up my mind.
MAX: Why, all of a sudden, do you want a breast job?
VALERIE: Oh, let’s see... Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff... there’s no way I can
compete against the likes of them.
CAMILLE: What makes you think you have to compete? You’ve been on a successful TV series
for eight years!
VALERIE: How long do you think that’s going to last? Sooner or later, the studio’s going to
give us the axe. I’m just trying to think about my future.
CAMILLE: Hey, if you’ve got a clause in your contract for residuals from reruns, you won’t
need to think or worry about working for years!
GEOFFREY: Valerie, you don’t need plastic surgery to insure your future. You have something
far more valuable than the other ladies you’ve mentioned. You have talent.
VALERIE: Talent. Yeah, that and twenty bucks will get me a mocha latte at Starbucks.
MAX: I wouldn’t be too concerned about it at this point, Val. Besides, I seriously doubt that
your parents will consent to this.
VALERIE: Wanna bet? If it’ll increase the size of my trust fund, my parents would agree to me
having three breasts!
CAMILLE: Oh, good grief! I swear, kid, you’re not so old that you can’t be bent over
someone’s knee and given a good old-fashioned spanking!
VALERIE: Ohhh, I’m terrified. I’ll pee my pants later, right now, I’ve more important things to
do. Can I have those back now? (Valerie takes the breast enhancements from Camille and exits
R)

9. CAMILLE: Isn’t there any way to replace that snot-nosed brat? Ever since she turned thirteen,
she’s been an absolute monster! Why do we have to have kids on this show anyway? Will and
Grace did just fine without them.
MAX: It’s a little late to get rid of her now. She’s only been on the show for eight seasons.
GEOFFREY: Accidents have been known to happen. You hear about it all the time.
CAMILLE: For once, Shakespeare and I agree! You’re the writer, have her run away or elope or
something!
MAX: And how in the hell am I supposed to make the sudden disappearance of your only child
into something funny?
GEOFFREY: Not to worry. Since nothing else you write comes across as humorous, this will
just be par for the course.
MAX: Why you miserable son-of-a...
LANCE: (Entering from L) All right, all of you! That’s enough! If you all have so much energy
built up, try to save some of it for the show! You’re supposed to be professionals, how about
acting like it?
CAMILLE: And once again, Prince Charming arrives in the nick of time to save the day! Good
afternoon, darling. I missed you last night. Weren’t we supposed to have dinner together after
rehearsal?
LANCE: (Less than enthusiastic) I’m sorry, CAMILLE: I felt a migraine coming on and I
wanted to get home before it completely overwhelmed me.
CAMILLE: Another migraine? Lance, you’ve been having quite a few of those lately. Have you
gone to see a doctor about this yet?
LANCE: I’m trying to get in to see him but he’s been booked solid for weeks.
CAMILLE: (Snuggling up to Lance) Well, we’ll just have to make up for the time we’ve
missed, won’t we?
LANCE: (Changing the subject) Geoffrey, Max, do you two have anything else that needs to be
aired out before we get started?
GEOFFREY: (Regaining his composure) Apparently, I’ve let my temper get the better of me
once again. I apologize for any comments to which you may have taken offense.

10. MAX: Yeah, same here. Let’s just get ready before Zach gets here.
PEYTON: (Entering from R, her hands full of papers and such) Zach’s not here yet? That’s
unusual. He’s usually here and ready to go before the rest of us show up. I wonder what’s going
on?
GEOFFREY: Good afternoon, Miss Summers. You’re looking particularly radiant today.
PEYTON: Why, thank you, GEOFFREY: And you’re looking ravishingly dashing and
handsome, as always.
CAMILLE: Oh, knock it off, will you? I just had lunch.
LANCE: Camille, don’t start. Leave her alone.
CAMILLE: Well, I never get compliments on my appearance from GEOFFREY:.. or anyone
else, for that matter! Everybody always has nice things to say about PEYTON: Why doesn’t
anyone in this show compliment me anymore?
GEOFFREY: Perhaps its the fact that Miss Summers knows how to accept a compliment
graciously, while you, on the other hand, expect to hear flattering remarks as soon as you arrive.
CAMILLE: (Getting agitated) Cut the fancy dialogue, Geoffrey! What exactly are you trying to
say?
GEOFFREY: What I’m saying, Miss Fairchild, is that if you would come down from your
pedestal once in a while and act like a normal person, instead of the diva you believe yourself to
be, you might receive more complimentary remarks from people.
CAMILLE: Diva? Diva?! I do not have to take this from you, you... you... (Rushing to Lance)
Lance, sweetheart, aren’t you going to stand up for me?
LANCE: Sorry, dear. I’m just a neutral observer on this one.
CAMILLE: Well, thank you for your support, my knight in shining armor! If anybody needs me,
I’ll be in my trailer, sticking pins in my voodoo dolls! One in the head for my loving boyfriend,
Lance, and one in the posterior, for Geoffrey, since you’re such a pain in the ass! (Camille
storms off R)
MAX: (Changing the subject) Peyton, do you have the sketches from costuming I asked you for?

11. PEYTON: I sure do. I picked them up right before I got here. I also have the invoices from the
prop department for you to sign for next week’s show.
MAX: Good! At least, with the prop department, I don’t have to jump through hoops to get what
I need. I ask, they deliver. Why can’t it all be that simple?
ZACHARY: (Entering from R) All right, people, what are we standing around for? We need to
get started! Geoffrey, Lance, I need you in costume! Everyone needs to get changed and report
back out here for a pre-show meeting. Peyton, is everyone here?
PEYTON: I haven’t seen Valerie or Hazel yet.
GEOFFREY: Miss Headings is here and I’m assuming in her trailer. Just listen for the sounds of
that caterwauling that she refers to as music. My devoted spouse has yet to make her presence
known.
ZACHARY: Here we go again. Why can’t that woman ever be on time? Peyton, will you call...
PEYTON: (Cell phone to her ear) I’m already on it. I’m trying the house, but there’s no answer.
I’ll check her cell phone.
MAX: Five dollars says she’s not even out of bed yet.
LANCE: Why don’t you just give your money away? You know Hazel has yet to miss a start
time. She might be half-sloshed when she gets here, but that woman is nothing but punctual
when it comes to performances.
MAX: True, true. But there’s a first time for everything.
LANCE: What’s going on, Zach? You’re never this late on a show day. Is there something we
need to know about?
ZACHARY: We’ll discuss it at the pre-show meeting. Peyton, do you have the reading material I
asked for?
PEYTON: (Holds up a paper sack) Right here. (Hands the sack to Zachary)
ZACHARY: Why are we still standing around here? Get into your costumes, people! Time is
wasting! Go! Go! (Geoffrey and Lance exit offstage)
MAX: Zach, is everything all right? You seem a little more edgy than normal.
PEYTON: He’s right, boss. Something’s up. You want to clue us in?

12. ZACHARY: I should... but I’ll wait until everyone’s here. I want to have to go through this only
once.
PEYTON: It’s that serious?
ZACHARY: It could be. Max, how many episodes are ready for production?
MAX: The usual. There’s four in the pipeline, and hopefully, I should have the next one done
tonight.
ZACHARY: And how many more to finish the season?
MAX: Seven, I think. What’s going on?
ZACHARY: Later. Why don’t you two take off for a while. I want to go over the script to make
sure everything’s up to date from the last rewrite.
PEYTON: If you say so. I need to check with the caterers anyway. Last week, they used a
poppy seed bun on Camille’s sandwich and all hell broke loose. Another tantrum like that and
we’ll be looking for yet another caterer and there’s not that many left to choose from. Camille’s
got us blacklisted from all the really good catering companies.
MAX: I miss “Grub-n-Go”. They had some of the best salads and all their bread was baked
fresh.
ZACHARY: “Grub-n-Go”. Yeah, I remember them, they were pretty good, plus they were
around for a while. What happened with them?
PEYTON: When the head chef came in to find out how everything was, Camille called him a
reject from a greasy spoon. That pissed him off so he dumped a bowl of hollandaise sauce over
her head and told her to kiss his brass saucepans.
MAX: That’s right! That’s the one that brought up the lawsuit.
PEYTON: Only because Camille brought up one first.
ZACHARY: Okay, that’s enough traipsing down memory lane. Really, people, I need some
alone time right now.
CAMILLE: (Offstage R) Peyton!! Where the hell are you? I need some assistance back here,
NOW!

13. PEYTON: Ah, her highness bellows... I mean, beckons. Coming, Camille! Don’t get your
panties in a bunch! (Goes offstage R)
MAX: I’ll be in my office. Have Peyton buzz me when we’re ready to start.
ZACHARY: Thanks, MAX: It shouldn’t be long. (Max leaves. Zachary is alone on-stage. He
sits at the kitchen table. He starts going over his script, making quick notes)
PRODUCER: (Voice only) Mr. McMahon.
ZACHARY: (Startled) Who? What? (Catches his breath and looks up to the light booth) Oh,
it’s you. I didn’t expect you to be here this early.
PRODUCER: I wanted to see how the cast gets along without an audience. Are they always this
combative?
ZACHARY: Not always... well, maybe once in a while... okay, pretty much all the time. But
when they get focused, they work great together! You’ve seen that.
PRODUCER: I’m not concerned with their behavior on-camera, Mr. McMahon, the concern is
with how they behave when there’s not an audience around. What I’ve seen so far does not
convince me that this ensemble is what you would call... compatible.
ZACHARY: After eight years together, no cast gets along one hundred percent. They all know
each other and there’s no need for them to put up any pretenses towards each other anymore.
PRODUCER: Still, the studio is concerned, and now I see that they have every right to be.
ZACHARY: Please, don’t make any decisions until after you’ve seen them for awhile. I think
you’ll see that there is a chemistry there.
PRODUCER: I’ll be the judge of that. Remember, not a word to anyone that I’m here. I want to
see them in their natural behavior toward each other.
ZACHARY: God help us all.
PRODUCER: What was that?
ZACHARY: I said, will that be all?
PRODUCER: Yes, Mr. McMahon. We’ll speak again later.

14. ZACHARY: (Somewhat sarcastically) I’m really looking forward to it. (Picks up cell phone)
Peyton? Can you come and do a pre-show check of the set? Make sure we have everything we
need? (Pause) I know I usually do that, but I need to run to the studio infirmary for a minute.
I’m out of antacids. You put a fresh bottle by my chair? What would I do without you?
PEYTON: (Entering from R while talking on phone.) Have an ulcer the size of Burbank by now,
most likely. (Hangs up phone) You still want me to do the pre-check?
ZACHARY: Please. I need to go out and get some air. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Try to
have everyone out and ready to go by the time I get back, would you? Oh, have we heard from
Hazel yet?
PEYTON: She got in about five minutes ago. When I called her cell phone, she was en route.
She’s doing her make-up right now.
ZACHARY: I swear, that woman is going to drive me to drink!
PEYTON: Well, she’d probably enjoy the company.
ZACHARY: How bad is she? Is she pickled?
PEYTON: More pickled than a kosher dill.
ZACHARY: Fabulous. I’ll be back soon. (Heads for offstage L)
PEYTON: Take your time. I’ll marshall the forces.
ZACHARY: You know, Peyton, you’re undoubtedly the best assistant I’ve ever worked with.
What is it about this bunch of lunatics that has kept you here this long?
PEYTON: The vain hope that you’ll give me a substantial pay increase?
ZACHARY: Not my call. If I could arrange it, you’d earn more than me.
PEYTON: What makes you think I don’t?
ZACHARY: Really, though, what is it? I know you’ve had offers to go to other shows and
studios. What keeps you here?
PEYTON: Let’s just say that I’ve got my reasons, now get out of here. (Zachary leaves. Peyton
gets a clipboard and starts checking off a list of things needed for the episode. She moves into
the kitchen to check the props. As she does, Lance enters from R. into the living room. He is in
costume)

15. LANCE: Hello, anybody else here yet?
PEYTON: I’m in the kitchen.
LANCE: (Entering kitchen) Where’s Zach?
PEYTON: Out. He said he needed some air. Where are the others?
LANCE: Still in the middle of costume and make-up, I guess. You mean... we’re alone?
PEYTON: (Seductively) It sure looks that way. (Peyton and Lance stare at each other for a
second and then embrace into a passionate kiss, the only kind of embrace you see from lovers
who are not supposed to be together. They break the kiss, but hold onto each other)
LANCE: I missed you this morning. I never even heard you leave.
PEYTON: I had to get an early start. I needed to pick up some specific items for Zach, but I
missed you too.
LANCE: I got your message on the bathroom mirror. Did you mean what you wrote?
PEYTON: You bet I mean it! I wrote that in my most expensive lipstick. I don’t do that for just
any man, you know. When will you be home?
LANCE: Hopefully, by nine. I’m supposed to have dinner with Camille first. According to
Publicity, we need to be seen together in more casual settings.
PEYTON: I hate that campaign, making the two of you a couple off-screen, as well as on-screen.
It must be pure hell for you spending time with that witch!
LANCE: Spending time with you more than makes up for it. (They kiss again)
VALERIE: (Entering from living room, in costume) Hey, anybody else out here? (Peyton and
Lance break off their kiss and straighten themselves back up. Peyton sneaks offstage L and
Lance comes in through the kitchen door)
LANCE: Just me, I’m afraid. I was looking things over in the kitchen. Looks like you three
should have a lot of fun today.
VALERIE: I don’t know if I’d call it fun. It’s been a good way to get rid of some frustration
though. I’ve been wanting to do stuff like that to her for months now.
LANCE: Just as long as you remember we have an audience and don’t get carried away.

16. VALERIE: (In her “Katie” voice) Don’t worry about me, Daddy, I’ll be a good girl!
LANCE: That what I wanted to hear. I’m going to round up the others. (Heading offstage)
VALERIE: (Still in “Katie” voice) Daddy, since we’re talking about good girls?
LANCE: Yes?
VALERIE: (In her normal voice) You’ve still got a little lipstick smeared on your face. You
might want to take care of that.
LANCE: Uh... uh... look, VALERIE:.. about that....
VALERIE: Don’t worry about it, I’m not going to say anything. Hell, I don’t really want to kiss
Camille either, and I just do it on the cheek when the script calls for it. You should be more
careful though. If she finds out, she’ll go ballistic!
LANCE: Right. Thanks. I owe you one, Val. (Goes offstage R)
VALERIE: (To herself) And if I were ten years older, I’d call that marker in.
ZACHARY: (Comes back onstage L, holding several magazines in his hand) All right, let’s get
this show on the road. Where is everyone?
VALERIE: Still in their dressing rooms, boss. Want me to go get them?
ZACHARY: Yes, please. Tell them to get out here now, whether they’re ready or not. I really
need to get this pre-show meeting over with.
VALERIE: On my way! Be back in a minute. (Valerie goes off-stage R, we hear her shouting)
Okay, people, let’s move it! Everyone out on stage for the pre-show pow-wow!
PEYTON: (Zachary is looking at the magazines and pacing the set. He is lost in thought as
Peyton comes back onstage L) Are you really going to tear into them again? We’ve all heard
this more than enough times and the result is still the same.
ZACHARY: I’ve got to, PEYTON: Somebody has to beat it into their skulls that they just can’t
run amok like this. What they do outside the studio affects the ratings and it just keeps getting
worse.
MAX: (Entering from L.) What’s getting worse, Zach?

17. ZACHARY: In due time, MAX: I only have the strength to go through this once. (The cast
starts entering from R, Geoffrey, Valerie, and Lance are in costume. Camille is wearing a
dressing gown)
ZACHARY: All right, let’s get started. First thing I want to bring up is... wait a minute, where’s
Hazel?
VALERIE: I pounded on her dressing room door. I heard her do a spit-take and then she yelled
at me to go to Hell.
HAZEL: (Entering from R, she is in costume but she is also wearing a large pair of sunglasses
and carrying a brandy snifter. She comes across larger-than-life, but also about half-drunk) And I
meant every word, you wretched urchin. Good morning, poppets! How is everyone today?
CAMILLE: About half a day ahead of you, apparently. It’s after four-thirty in the afternoon!
HAZEL: (Looking surprised) Really? (Checks her watch, but has trouble focusing on the face)
Where does the time go? The last I remember, it was the crack of dawn!
CAMILLE: That must have been when you went to bed! We all know for a fact that you never
crawl out of bed until after the crack of noon.
HAZEL: Ah, darling Camille, as always, you are as pleasant as a basket of rattlesnakes.
ZACHARY: All right, that’s enough! I am not in the mood for this today! First of all, has
everyone seen your final script changes?
LANCE: As a matter of fact, Zach, I had a question about that. Are you sure that the changes...
ZACHARY: (Interrupting Lance) Yes, I’m sure! This is what the network wants and that’s what
we’re going to give them! End of discussion!
VALERIE: Geez, Zach, you’re in rare form today. Who crapped in your corn flakes?
ZACHARY: As a matter of fact, Valerie, you did! You and the rest of the cast! Guess what,
people? The new tabloids are out and you’re all over the place! (Starts holding up tabloid
magazines) Valerie, there are pictures in here of you at a party with guys doing tequila shots off
of your stomach! Camille, you threw a prize temper tantrum at the SAG awards! Hazel, I don’t
even want to bring up what you did last Saturday!
HAZEL: I wish you would, darling. I’ve been trying to remember that little episode for the last
three days.

18. ZACHARY: And then, to top it all off, we have a new entry in the headlines! It appears our own
Lance Burroughs has been spotted getting cozy with a mystery woman instead of Camille!
(Everyone looks at Lance with surprise. Peyton drops her clipboard) Well? Who wants to be
the first to try to defend themselves?
CAMILLE: I will! The press has that whole SAG awards “incident” blown completely out of
proportion! I was there by invitation to present an award!
MAX: The story I heard was that you were called as a last minute replacement for Sandra
Bullock and then when she showed up anyway, you refused to let her present the award.
CAMILLE: She told the producers that she would be out of town! When I was asked to present
in her place, I bought a new gown, had my hair and nails done, and completely rearranged my
schedule to accommodate the awards! For what I went through, I had every right to present that
award!
MAX: I also heard you called her a scenery-chewing hag and that she needed to have a tummy-
tuck.
LANCE: Camille, you didn’t!
CAMILLE: Oh, please! Go rent “The Lake House” and see if I’m wrong! As far as her body,
marriage has obviously gone straight to her stomach and hips!
ZACHARY: Now I see why we got a letter from the Screen Actors Guild!
CAMILLE: Letter? When did we get a letter? What did it say?
ZACHARY: Peyton, will you do the honors?
PEYTON: In front of everyone? Shouldn’t this be handled in private?
ZACHARY: Absolutely not! Apparently, nobody here has anything to hide, at least as far as the
scandal rags are concerned! Go ahead, read it!
PEYTON: (Pulls an envelope from her clipboard, takes out the paper and reads it aloud) The
executive board of the Screen Actors Guild wishes to inform you that as a result of the incident
involving Camille Fairchild at the recent SAG awards ceremony, a presenting, acceptance, and
attendance ban has been placed on Miss Fairchild for a period of no less than five years to go
into effect immediately. This decision has been agreed upon unanimously by the SAG board and
cannot be appealed. Miss Fairchild’s conduct was considered shocking, appalling, and
disgraceful, and will not be tolerated.

19. CAMILLE: What are they saying?
VALERIE: In a nutshell, Mom, you’ve been grounded from the SAG awards for five years.
CAMILLE: They can’t do that! It’s unfair! I’ll go before the board and explain. I’ll get this
straightened out!
PEYTON: You can’t. They said in the letter they won’t listen to an appeal. The also state that if
you make any attempt to attend, it’ll be considered trespassing, and they’ll have you arrested and
prosecuted.
VALERIE: (Laughing) Way to go, Camille!
CAMILLE: Oh, shut up, you twerp! At least I wasn’t involved in a... a... drunken orgy!
ZACHARY: Well, Valerie? Care to explain yourself?
VALERIE: Well, it wasn’t an orgy! Some people may have gotten a little tipsy, but nobody got
naked!
GEOFFREY: (Looking at one of the tabloids) According to this photo, I would venture a guess
that you were dangerously close from achieving nudity.
VALERIE: I was wearing a bikini, thank you very much! It’s not that much fun doing body
shots off of someone who’s fully clothed!
LANCE: You let perfect strangers lick salt off of your bare skin?
VALERIE: I had to do something! I wasn’t about to join in the drinking. Tequila tastes
absolutely nasty! (Feigning innocence) At least, that’s what I hear. Besides, all those guys were
paying more attention to the shots than they were me... for the most part.
ZACHARY: And how are you supposed to appear wholesome and innocent on television after
you’ve been photographed in a bikini holding a bottle of booze?
VALERIE: Oh, get over it! Nobody’s going to turn on Pryde and Joy expecting me to come
downstairs in a bikini and high heels! Besides, there were others at that party doing far worse
that I was!
PEYTON: I’m sure there were, VALERIE: But you were the only one there that was a celebrity.
That puts all the focus on you, doesn’t it? Something I’m sure you’re getting quite familiar with.

20. VALERIE: So I want a little bit of attention, so sue me! You think it’s easy being a teenager in
Hollywood and staying noticed?
GEOFFREY: Surely, child, there must be some way of garnering attention from your peers and
the press that’s somewhat less... scandalous.
VALERIE: Oh, puh-lease! What am I supposed to do, volunteer at a homeless shelter or
something?
MAX: That’d be perfect! It shows you’re aware of social issues, and that you’re compassionate
to others less fortunate.
VALERIE: And at best, get me a blurb in the entertainment section of the local newspaper. No
thanks. I’m not ready for “community service” at this point in my career.
CAMILLE: (Looking at Valerie’s article in the tabloids) No, you’re just ready to go from prime-
time television to strip clubs.
VALERIE: I keep telling you, I’m innocent! All I did was provide the body for the body shots!
From what I heard, there was some crazy drunk woman there in the house that was trying to
something obscene with a ferret in front of an audience!
PEYTON: That’s disgusting!
CAMILLE: That’s repulsive!
HAZEL: That’s it!! That’s what happened Saturday night! I’ve been trying to remember that
ever since I woke up late Sunday afternoon... I mean, morning!
ZACHARY: And there it is! I’m just grateful there weren’t pictures!
HAZEL: Believe me, darling, so am I!
GEOFFREY: Why am I not surprised?
HAZEL: It must’ve been the vodka. Things always get hazy whenever vodka’s involved.
VALERIE: Wait a minute! That was you? We were at the same party? Oh, God, how gross is
that?!
HAZEL: Purely coincidence, dear. I had heard about this little soiree from the grapevine and
thought it would be worth a look. Apparently, it must’ve been a good time.

21. ZACHARY: Hazel, we’re going to be lucky if the A.S.P.C.A. doesn’t throw a lawsuit at us over
this! Peyton, will you please call over to Legal and see if...(Peyton is already on her cell phone
and walking offstage L to hear better) While we’re waiting to hear how bad it is, why don’t we
get Lance’s side on these allegations of an affair?
CAMILLE: (Cold as ice) Yes, “darling”. I’m absolutely dying to hear this!
LANCE: What’s the big deal? So I got spotted out in public with a female friend. Is it a crime
for a man to have a friend of the opposite sex these days?
CAMILLE: When he’s in an extended relationship with another woman, yes!
MAX: I thought this whole “relationship” thing between the two of you was just a publicity stunt
cooked up by the studio. You mean it’s real now?
CAMILLE: Yes!
LANCE: NO! (Camille turns and looks at Lance, a mix of shock and hurt on her face) I mean,
it’s not an... exclusive... relationship. We’ve always agreed that we could see other people
occasionally... if we wanted to.
CAMILLE: I don’t remember ever making that agreement.
LANCE: Camille, sweetie, you know I’ve never discouraged you from going out with friends.
I’ve never tried to hold you back from anything that’s important in your life.
CAMILLE: (Starting to get emotional) But you’re what’s important in my life! You and my
career. I’ve always counted on having a stable partner by my side, and you’ve always been there
since we started this show together. I think of you as my anchor... and I’ve always been able to
come to you for emotional support. And now I find out that you’ve been lying to me, and
(Peyton comes back onstage L) you’re running around behind my back with some... some... slut!
PEYTON: (Instantly angry and defensive) Just who the hell do you think you’re calling a slut?!
(Camille jumps in surprise)
CAMILLE: Whoever the tramp is that got spotted with Lance by the paparazzi! Why are you so
worked up over it anyway?
PEYTON: (Trying to recover) I didn’t realize that what we had switched subjects. I thought you
were still talking about Hazel and you were calling her a slut.
CAMILLE: Oh, for heaven’s sake! I know better than that. It’s obvious that Hazel’s days of
seduction are long over!

22. HAZEL: Now, just a minute, you twit! I consider that a personal insult! Age has nothing to do
with desirability. I can still be plenty seductive if I choose to be! Isn’t that right, Geoffrey?
GEOFFREY: I beg your pardon? Why am I being brought into this vulgar display of emotion?
HAZEL: I’m trying to defend our place in life, you old fool! She’s saying that just because
we’re old, that we’re not desirable anymore!
CAMILLE: I’m not talking about Geoffrey! When he’s cleaned up, I happen to think he comes
across as very desirable! He has a distinguished appearance and he radiates sophistication and
elegance. You, on the other hand, tend to radiate a stench of alcohol that could sterilize a
garbage truck!
HAZEL: If I weren't a lady, I’d drag you outside and pull out every one of those artificially
colored hairs of yours by the roots!
CAMILLE: A lady? From the stories I’ve heard around town, you’ve been in more bar fights
than Russell Crowe!
HAZEL: And I won more than my share of those fights, so I don’t have any qualms about
chalking up one more mark in my “win” column by teaching you the error of your ways! (Hazel
starts toward Camille, hands balled up into fists)
VALERIE: This I wanna see! It’s about time somebody knocked Camille down off of her high
horse! (Camille realizes that Hazel is serious about fighting her and runs behind Lance for
protection)
CAMILLE: Save me, darling! Don’t let that troll touch me! Do something! (Camille, Lance,
and Hazel start going around in a circle, Hazel trying to get at Camille, and Camille keeping
Lance between them)
LANCE: Don’t bring me into this! You’re the one that shot off her mouth, so get yourself out of
it. Get away from me! I’m not protecting you! (Camille keeps using Lance as a shield from
Hazel. Everyone else, except Zachary, is watching the events unfold with amusement. Finally,
Valerie jumps into the fracas)
VALERIE: (Grabbing Camille from behind by the arms) I got her! I got her! C’mon, Hazel,
here’s your chance! Open up a can of whoop-ass on her! (After Valerie has grabbed Camille,
Lance hurries out of the road to let the women have it out on each other)
CAMILLE: LET ME GO! Get your hands off of me, you juvenile delinquent! This is no way to
treat your mother! Let me go, you bitch! I’ll have you fired for this! You’ll never see the inside
of a soundstage again!

23. HAZEL: (Coming in closer and winding up for the punch, milking the moment in true
Hollywood fashion) I have been waiting a loooong time for this! Sweet satisfaction at last!
(Hazel gets ready to finally throw her punch while Camille struggles to break Valerie’s hold)
ZACHARY: (Finally reaching his limit) THAT’S ENOUGH! ALL OF YOU, STOP IT, RIGHT
NOW! (Zachary steps in and breaks up the women. He pushes each one a different direction to
put distance between them) I HAVE HAD IT! It’s like this almost all the time! Every week it’s
the same thing! You all do something stupid and get your names in the scandal sheets! You’re at
each other’s throats constantly! This isn’t a set for a sitcom, it’s a war zone! How we’ve lasted
for eight seasons together is beyond me! You all just keep it up and we’re going to be out of a
job! How much more of this do you think the studio is going to take? You have NO idea now
much I’ve begged and pleaded to the execs to keep us going! I can’t do it anymore! I’m fed up
and burned out! You want to have affairs, (Zachary looks at Lance) participate in drunken
orgies, (Looking at Hazel and Valerie) alienate yourself from your peers by being a spoiled brat,
(Looking at Camille) and curse the people who give you a job because this isn’t a Shakespearean
festival, (Looking at Geoffrey) then go right ahead! I’m not going to stop you anymore! I’ve
had it too! I want to move on to bigger things! I’m tired of sitcoms; I want to do movies!
Maybe I should be the first to quit! Where would you all be then? Well? No other director in
Hollywood wants this gig! Believe me, I’ve looked! Nobody else wants to touch live television!
“It’s too risky”, they say! “Too many things can go wrong”, they tell me! Well, here’s a little
surprise for you; I’m at my most relaxed for thirty minutes when the bunch of you are in front of
those cameras! That’s the only time I know you can all work together and get along! We’re
going to be going live very soon, and the audience is almost ready to come in so I suggest you all
get your heads out of your asses and act like actors. If that’s possible! (Zachary looks at one
person after another, giving each one the evil eye. Everyone just stands there in an awkward
silence, no one wanting to be the first to speak. Finally, Lance tries to break the tension)
LANCE: Look, Zach, I just want to say that we’re...
ZACHARY: NO! Do NOT apologize to me! It’s too little and way too late for apologies! I
don’t want to hear it! I want to get this show over with and get the hell out of here as fast as
possible! (Zachary looks at his watch) I have just enough time to go have a drink and try to
calm down before the show. Peyton, take over. I’ll be back before airtime... maybe. (Zachary
storms offstage L)
CAMILLE: (To Valerie) This isn’t over, you know. I’ll have you replaced before the read-
through for the next show.
VALERIE: Bring it on! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not eight years old anymore and I’m
not scared of you!
CAMILLE: Well, you should be scared.

24. HAZEL: As should you. We’re not finished yet either.
PEYTON: STOP IT! Didn’t the three of you hear a word Zach said? It’s not a game anymore!
Cut the crap! If we’re not ready, the network won’t think twice about replacing us with reruns of
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch! Is that what you want? Now get to your dressing rooms, all of you!
(Everyone looks at Peyton in surprise. She has never raised her voice to anyone until now) I’m
not kidding! Dressing rooms! NOW! (She stomps her foot and points offstage. One by one,
each of the cast walks offstage. Lance is the last to go and he turns to Peyton with a look that
says “Me, too?” Peyton gives Lance a withering glare and points offstage again. Lance turns
and walks away like a chastised puppy)
MAX: Well, that was certainly... interesting, wasn’t it?
PEYTON: You’re a writer, Max. I would think you could come up with something more
descriptive than “interesting”.
MAX: Okay, how about “traumatic”, or “intense”, or at the very least, “overdue”?
PEYTON: Which part? The girls facing off against each other or Zach’s tantrum?
MAX: You left out your unexpected show of forcefulness. You’ve never snapped like that
before, and Lord knows you’ve had plenty of opportunities.
PEYTON: Maybe I should’ve started a long time ago. Maybe this whole thing could have been
avoided if I had shown more backbone toward Camille from the beginning. I just feel that if I
start ordering everyone around, I’ll be stepping on Zach’s toes.
MAX: Don’t start blaming yourself for this. This little incident has been a long time in the
making. If Zach hadn’t brought it up today, it would have happened eventually.
PEYTON: It shouldn’t have happened at all. After eight years together, we all know each other.
You know as much as I do about how to push people’s button at any given time. Why do we
keep testing each other’s limits instead of supporting each other?
MAX: Too much togetherness.
PEYTON: Excuse me?
MAX: It’s too much togetherness. This cast has worked closely together without the benefit of
having many extras or guest stars to help keep everyone on their best behaviors. Let’s face it,
this set is the only real home we’ve all known. What we really need is some time apart so we
can get back in touch with the world outside these walls.

25. PEYTON: Like that’ll happen anytime soon. By your count, we’ve still got twelve shows to do
before we’re done for the season. That means another three months of this. We’ll never make it
without there being bloodshed.
MAX: Unless we can convince the network to let us do a short season.
PEYTON: I doubt if that’ll happen. I’ve heard through the studio grapevine that they’re
scrambling for midseason replacement material now. They don’t have enough to get them
through the summer.
MAX: Well, the only other option I can see; is cutting the problem off at the source.
PEYTON: You don’t mean...
MAX: Think about it. It would calm things down considerably. Camille is the major instigator
of the group.
PEYTON: It can’t happen. She’s under contract. The only way to get her out of Pryde and Joy
willingly, is for her to quit. If she’s fired, she’ll sue the network, and the court battle will make
headlines for months.
MAX: And the only way she’ll leave willingly... is if she gets a leading role in a motion picture.
PEYTON: That’s what I was afraid of. We’re screwed.
MAX: Speaking of screwed...
PEYTON: Max Bodenstein, don’t you even think about going there!
MAX: All right, all right! You’ve pretty much answered my question anyway.
ERIC: (Entering from L) And what question is that, boys and girls?
PEYTON: (Turning around) Well, speak of the devil. If it isn’t Eric Gregory. You know, we
were just getting ready to take your name in vain.
ERIC: In vain? Me? Whatever for?
MAX: For not fulfilling your responsibilities as an agent by being unable to find a movie for
Camille.
PEYTON: Unless you’re bearing good news at this moment.

26. ERIC: Ah, if it were only that simple... is she available?
MAX: You want to talk to her now? We’re almost ready to go into production!
ERIC: I know that, that’s why I came. I figure if I talk to her now, she can’t go into a full-blown
tantrum until after the show, and that buys me enough time to at least get out of town for a day or
two.
MAX: I’ll go get her. We might as well get this over with. (Goes offstage R)
PEYTON: Can’t you find anything out there for Camille?
ERIC: Believe me, dear, I’ve tried. I’ve been around to all the major studios, and even some of
the minor ones. As soon as I mention Camille’s name for a leading dramatic role, everyone
thinks I’m telling a joke. Nobody believes she’s got a dramatic bone in her body.
PEYTON: What about directors? Have you talked to any of them directly?
ERIC: I’ve put in calls to everyone from Robert Altman to Robert Zemeckis. To them, Camille
Fairchild is dramatic box office poison and everyone knows it but her.
CAMILLE: (Entering from R) Eric! Sweetie! What a surprise! I’m so happy to see you!
ERIC: Cami, honey! How’s my number-one client?
CAMILLE: On pins and needles! I’ve been waiting for days for the results on my last audition.
ERIC: Audition? I’ve forgotten, which one was that?
CAMILLE: You know, the one for the movie that Penny Marshall’s directing. The biography
picture on Jackie Onassis.
ERIC: Oh, yeah, that one! To tell you the truth, Camille, that’s why I’m here.
CAMILLE: They’ve chosen?
PEYTON: Maybe I should leave you two alone...
CAMILLE: No! No! Please stay! I want to make sure that I’m not imagining this.
ERIC: Yes, Peyton, please stay. I would really appreciate having a witness around, just in case.
PEYTON: Did you say... witness?

27. ERIC: You know what I mean.
PEYTON: Unfortunately, I think I do.
CAMILLE: Well? Don’t leave me hanging, when do I see a script and a shooting schedule?
What are we looking at as far as salary? Two? Three million?
ERIC: Camille, you might not want to get so enthusiastic about this...
CAMILLE: Why not? Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this opportunity?
ERIC: Yes, but you know how difficult this process can be...
CAMILLE: Eric, what are you trying to tell me? Why would you be here if I wasn’t offered the
part?
ERIC: Well, I know how... upset... you can get when you get bad news.
CAMILLE: Upset? Upset? Do you know how it feels to hear “I’m sorry” and “you’re just not
what we’re looking for right now” time after time?
PEYTON: Camille, is there anything I can get you right now? A glass of water or something?
CAMILLE: The only thing you can get... is out of my face! I don’t want you to get me anything
and I sure as hell don’t need your pity! Just leave me alone!
ERIC: Camille, it’s just an audition. I’m sure there’ll be others.
CAMILLE: Who got the part?
ERIC: What?
CAMILLE: The part of Jackie. Who did they choose?
ERIC: Why make yourself crazy about it? Who cares who’s playing the part, if it’s not you?
CAMILLE: I care! If I got beat out by a better known actress, that makes a big difference! If I
got beat out by a nobody, I’m going to explode!
PEYTON: Like you’re not now?
CAMILLE: You keep out of this! Why are you still here? Don’t you have someone’s dry
cleaning to pick up or something?

28. PEYTON: Why, you egotistical...
ERIC: Ladies! Ladies! We’re all professionals here! Let’s remember where we are!
CAMILLE: Cut the crap, you two-bit schmoozer! Did I even come close to getting the part?
ERIC: Honestly, yes. It was down between you and one other actress.
CAMILLE: (Calming down) Really? One other person? Who? Who was I compared against?
What did they say?
ERIC: Well, they said it was a very difficult decision. They thought your screen test was
excellent; and the main reason that you weren’t considered was the fact that your competition has
a little more dramatic experience.
CAMILLE: (Calming down) Oh my God! I can’t believe it! So who got it? Who did I give a
run for her money?
ERIC: Well... I really shouldn’t....
CAMILLE: Come on! Was it Julia Roberts? Demi Moore? Nicole Kidman?
ERIC: No, none of them. Actually, they were looking at someone a little younger...
CAMILLE: Natalie Portman? Drew Barrymore?
ERIC: Uh, no, not them either.
CAMILLE: Well, who then?
ERIC: It’s... really difficult... to just come right out and say...
CAMILLE: WHO?
ERIC: Really, you’re going to laugh when you hear it....
CAMILLE: TELL ME!!
ERIC: Dakota Fanning.
PEYTON: What?
CAMILLE: Who?

29. ERIC: Dakota Fanning. You know, the girl from “Hide and Seek” and “Charlotte’s Web?”
CAMILLE: I KNOW WHO DAKOTA FANNING IS! YOU’RE TELLING ME I GOT BEAT OUT
FOR A DRAMATIC LEADING ROLE BY A TWELVE-YEAR OLD CHILD?
ERIC: I told you, it’s just experience... they really liked your work, but they feel Dakota’s got
more drawing power....
CAMILLE: You son-of-a-bitch!!
PEYTON: Wrong thing to say...
ERIC: Camille, sweetie, just take a deep breath...
CAMILLE: I’m not going to take a deep breath! I’m not going to calm down! The only thing
I’m going to do is to find another agent! You are the most useless excuse of an agent I’ve ever
met! You promised to get me into the movies, but I keep getting stuck here on this ridiculous
series year after year! You’re too comfortable getting your percentage of my salary season after
season! Well, no more! I’m getting on the phone right now and I’m finding someone who’s
going to work for my best interests! You’re worthless, you’re pathetic, and you’re fired!
Peyton! I want you to call security, get this piece of trash off my set, and get him banned from
the studio! Now! (Camille storms offstage R, Eric and Peyton look at each other and then hear
Camille shriek things being thrown and shattered)
PEYTON: Well, overall, I’d say she took it better than I expected.
ERIC: I’d have to agree. Last time, I had to go to the emergency room for stitches.
PEYTON: Eric, if she’s that abusive towards you, then why in heaven have you put up with her
for so long?
ERIC: You’ll never believe it if I tell you.
PEYTON: Try me. With this group, and after everything I’ve heard so far today, I can believe
almost anything.
ERIC: I really shouldn’t...
PEYTON: You have to now. If you’re going to tease me this much about it, I need to hear the
answer.
ERIC: Oh, all right. (Sighing) I’m attracted to her.

30. PEYTON: You’re what? After everything she’s put you through?
ERIC: I told you you’d never believe it.
PEYTON: Help me find one of Hazel’s flasks. I think I need a drink.
ERIC: Peyton, I know it’s crazy. Camille is the most temperamental woman I’ve ever known,
but when you can get past her ego, there’s really a very sweet, warm, and loving woman there.
I’ve seen her. Not very often, but trust me, she’s there. That’s the Camille Fairchild I’m in love
with.
PEYTON: Really? (Eric nods) So what are you going to do now?
ERIC: Well, I guess I’ll go back to my office and close out her file.
PEYTON: Are you serious? After as many tantrums as you’ve endured and what you’ve just
told me? You’ve got to be kidding!
ERIC: The tantrums are nothing. I’ve worked with her long enough to know she’s blowing off
steam. But even through all that, she’s never fired me before. Quite frankly, it’s a relief.
Regardless of how I feel about her, I’m tired of going through this every couple of months. The
money I’ve gotten representing Camille Fairchild doesn’t even begin to cover the amount of
grief I’ve endured. How have you done it all this time? You see her almost every day. How do
you handle the stress?
PEYTON: Oh, it’s easy. I sleep with her co-star behind her back.
ERIC: That’s funny! That’s really funny! Tell you what, Peyton, if you ever decide to give
acting a try, give me a call. I had no idea that you were so comedically talented. Well, I’m outta
here. I think I’m going to knock back a couple of drinks, and then have my first good night’s
sleep in years.
PEYTON: Lucky bastard.
ERIC: Take care of yourself, Petey. Don’t let her drive you over the edge. She’s not worth it.
PEYTON: See you around, Eric. Give my best to Dakota.
ERIC: Don’t you dare let Camille know that! If she ever finds out I also represent Dakota
Fanning, she’ll put a contract out on my life.
PEYTON: You should be so lucky. Knowing Camille, she’ll track you down and rip your throat
out herself.

31. ERIC: This is true. Sad, but true. Later!
PEYTON: Be careful! (Eric leaves. The others come in hurriedly)
LANCE: What in the world’s going on? Camille’s locked herself in her dressing room,
screaming at the top of her lungs, and destroying everything she can get her hands on!
VALERIE: I think Mom’s gone psycho! Can we call the guys with the white coats?
GEOFFREY: Miss Summers, I reluctantly have to agree with young Valerie. It appears that
Camille is experiencing, as Hazel so quaintly put it, “the mother of all hissy-fits”.
PEYTON: All right, everyone relax. It’s nothing... much. Camille got turned down for another
movie.
HAZEL: Nothing much? Whenever Camille gets rejected, she gets in one of her... moods. What
she’s doing now is the tip of the iceberg. There’s no way in heaven she can do a live
performance now.
MAX: Hazel’s right. She’ll be biting everyone’s heads off before we get to the first commercial
break. Plus, the way she’s screaming, she won’t have a voice left by the opening scene.
PEYTON: What do you want me to do? I’m hardly the voice of authority when it comes to
telling Camille what to do. The only person that can put her on a short leash is Zach.
HAZEL: Not necessarily. I can think of one other person that might be able to quiet her.
ALL: Who? (Hazel raises her glass/bottle/flask in a toast in Lance’s direction)
LANCE: What? Me? Oh, hell, no! Let’s just call Zach and get him back here!
MAX: Come on, Lance, you’re the only one who can do it! You’re her boyfriend, she’ll listen to
you.
LANCE: I wouldn’t know what to do. She’s practically hysterical.
VALERIE: Just make nice with her. Rub her shoulders, rub her feet, stick your tongue in her ear!
(Everyone looks at Valerie) Hey, it works with me.
PEYTON: (Reaching for her cell phone) I’m calling Zach. He’ll straighten her out.
MAX: We don’t have time. Who knows where Zach is right now. We need to calm her down
ASAP.

32. PEYTON: Lance, you don’t have to do this....
LANCE: (Sighing) Yes, I do. Without Camille, we’re in serious trouble. I’ve got to go in there
and make her listen to reason. (Starts to head off stage R)
GEOFFREY: Admirable, my boy, admirable indeed! Your dedication to the craft is to be
commended. You should be rewarded for your sacrifice.
LANCE: (Turning back) Rewarded? What kind of reward? (Everyone looks at each other,
hoping someone has an answer)
HAZEL: I know! We’ll hoist one in your honor! Glasses up everyone! (Everyone, except
Peyton, goes to various places around the set where Hazel has a bottle or flask tucked away and
pulls one out to toast Lance. They raise their drinks in his direction)
HAZEL: To Lance!
GEOFFREY, VALERIE, and MAX: To Lance! (They all take a drink. Valerie raises her flask
and discovers its empty)
LANCE: I’m the condemned man here, shouldn’t I get to drink?
HAZEL: You’ll need all your wits about you to take her on. Besides, do you know how much
booze I now need to replenish?
LANCE: Whatever. (Takes a look at Peyton. She gives him a withering stare. He shrugs his
shoulders, as if saying, “What else can I do?” He turns and goes offstage R)
MAX: There goes a brave, brave man. Stupid, but brave.
VALERIE: Hey! This flask is dry! What’s up with that?
HAZEL: I knew there was one around here somewhere that needed refilling. Be a darling and
bring that lost lamb over to auntie Hazel, will you, child?
VALERIE: Sure! Just as soon as you trade me for one with liquor in it! I’m a drink behind
everyone else!
PEYTON: Valerie! Give Hazel the flask and leave it alone! You know you’re too young to
drink.
VALERIE: (To Peyton) Party-pooper. (A messenger enters from stage left. He’s holding a note)

33. MESSENGER: (Enters from Stage L) I’m looking for Zachary McMahon. I was told he’d be
here.
MAX: He’s out right now. Can one of us help you?
MESSENGER: I’m supposed to deliver this to him. It’s kinda urgent.
GEOFFREY: You can give it to Miss Summers. She’s Mr. McMahon’s trusted assistant. She’ll
see that it gets to him.
MESSENGER: Well, I’m supposed to give it directly to him... it’s considered confidential.
HAZEL: Honey, the one thing there isn’t any of in this studio, is secrets.
VALERIE: Don’t you believe it....
MESSENGER: Hey, aren’t you Valerie Headings?
VALERIE: Yeah. Why?
MESSENGER: I saw that bikini spread you did for the Globe. You’re hot!
VALERIE: Really? You think so?
MESSENGER: Yeah, hotter than Jessica Alba even. Listen, can I get your autograph?
VALERIE: Honey, I think we can do much better than an autograph. Follow me... (Valerie leads
the messenger back offstage L)
GEOFFREY: Well, the thought of those two together certainly paints a disturbing picture.
PEYTON: You’re not kidding. Since when did she become such a little tramp?
MAX: Not that I’m defending her, but she is a teenager. Part of her behavior can be blamed on
hormones. The rest of it, well, this is Hollywood...
HAZEL: Truer words were never spoken. When I think of the things I did when I was her age...
GEOFFREY: Please! Spare us the sordid tales of your debaucherous youth!
PEYTON: Oh, Geoffrey, ease up a little. Didn’t you ever do anything scandalous when you
were Valerie’s age?

34. GEOFFREY: Certainly not! I was dedicated to perfecting my craft. My heart belonged to the
stage, and my soul to the Bard.
HAZEL: But what about your....
MAX and PEYTON: Hazel!
HAZEL: I was just curious.
GEOFFREY: If it will satisfy your lecherous quest for carnal lust... there may have been an...
escapade or two during my residency in London.
HAZEL: Details! Give us details!
GEOFFREY: (Reminiscing fondly) Her name was Fiona... a flaxen-haired beauty with the most
brilliant sapphire eyes. She was the understudy for Ophelia when we performed “Hamlet” at the
Royal Theatre. The first time our eyes met, we knew there was an instant attraction. I was in
the midst of an internship, and my studies allowed me to spend much of my time backstage. I
was to study acting techniques, but I found all of my attention focused on the fair Fiona. Our
relationship grew stronger until finally, one afternoon, we found ourselves in the costume storage
room together. No words needed said between us for we were of one mind. We embraced and
let our restrained passions erupt to the surface. Within minutes, we were completely unclothed,
reveling in the joy of physical bliss. I could restrain myself no longer, and vocalized my
jubilation with a mighty... “LAY ON, MACDUFF! AND DAMNED BE HE THAT CRIES
ENOUGH!”
HAZEL: You have got to be kidding!
MAX: You didn’t!
PEYTON: Shakespeare? Even then?
VALERIE: (Entering from L) Did I miss something?
GEOFFREY: (Regaining his composure) Nothing, child! Nothing!
HAZEL: I need a drink.
MAX: Uh, Geoffrey was just telling us about a performance of MacBeth he did when he was in...
HAZEL: Fiona!

35. PEYTON: London! (Shoots Hazel an evil look. Hazel smiles and laughs. Peyton desperately
changes the subject) I don’t suppose you got the message from that kid.
VALERIE: (Pulling the message out from her top) O, ye of little faith... (Hands the message to
Peyton)
HAZEL: And what act of depravity did you have to do to pull that off?
VALERIE: Nothing that disgusting, really. We played a little kissy-face, and then I signed an
autograph on his butt.
MAX: You what?
VALERIE: He didn’t have any paper. He’s gonna have his buddy take a digital photo of it before
it wears off.
PEYTON: Couldn’t you have signed his shirt or something?
VALERIE: He suggested signing his undies, but trust me, I was better off signing his butt.
MAX: Okay, too much information! What about the message?
PEYTON: We’ll have to wait until Zach reads it, and hopefully, he’ll tell us.
VALERIE: It’s an offer from Universal to have him direct a remake of The Wolfman.
ALL. What? How do you know? You read the message? Direct what?
VALERIE: Hey! I had to sign his ass! That alone should justify my getting to read it!
(Everyone looks at each other in silence)
PEYTON: (Looking at her watch) All right people, let’s put that little bombshell on the back
burner. It’s almost time to start. Do your final checks, and stay backstage until your intros for
the audience. (Valerie, Geoffrey, and Hazel all look at Peyton) I’m serious! Let’s go! We’ve
still got a show to do! Get going! Geoffrey, will you please let Lance and Camille know we’re
almost ready to start?
GEOFFREY: As you wish, Miss Summers. (All exit R, Peyton and Max look at each other,
Peyton is holding the envelope with the message)
MAX: Well, this puts a definite change in things, doesn’t it?

36. PEYTON: Change doesn’t even begin to describe it. Once Zach reads this, he’ll jump at it like a
rabid pit bull. What’ll happen then?
MAX: I have no idea. We’ve never had a back-up director for the show. Nobody else wants to
touch a live performance.
PEYTON: It’s a no-win situation. Zach’s going to take this offer, whether the studio likes it or
not. If they object, he’ll still walk, and without a director, this series is finished. There’s no way
we can make the transfer from live to prerecorded, and still have all our episodes done by the end
of the season.
MAX: Not necessarily. There is one option that you haven’t mentioned. There’s one person that
could possibly step into Zach’s shoes.
PEYTON: Who? Nobody else knows what all goes into getting this show done each week,
besides me.
MAX: My point exactly.
PEYTON: WHAT? Me? Direct? There’s no way! I’m not a director. I’m not even registered
with the Guild.
MAX: There’s nothing to that. If the studio wants to keep the show going, they’ll pay your costs
to get you signed up and get you a card within a week. I’ve seen it happen before.
PEYTON: The key words in that sentence are “If the studio wants to keep the show going.”
MAX: They will. The ratings may have slipped some, but we’re still consistently in the top
twenty. Remember, you said they’re scrambling for midseason replacement material. They can’t
afford to have to fill in another time slot.
PEYTON: Let’s imagine for a moment that all you said happens. There’s one other little snag:
Camille. She’ll never take orders from me.
MAX: She will if you stand up to her like you did earlier. She’s all bark and no bite. Stand your
ground, and she’ll cave every time, I practically guarantee it.
ZACHARY: (Entering) Guarantee what? What have I missed now?
PEYTON: (Quickly hiding the message) Max was just promising me that tonight’s show would
go off like clockwork! Even through today’s been like a roller-coaster ride, he says the cast will
perform like a well-oiled machine.

37. ZACHARY: Lord, I hope so. All I need is one more thing to go haywire. I’m telling you,
Peyton, I’ve never been so tempted to walk away and not look back. It’s been such a strain lately
to make this show work that I’m almost ready to throw it all away and move back home to
Wisconsin.
MAX: You might want to think twice about that, Zach. I’ll bet that opportunity’s going to knock
on your door sooner than you expect. (Peyton gives a look to Zach that says ‘What are you
saying?’)
ZACHARY: What have you got, Max, a crystal ball or something?
MAX: Uh... no. More like a direct blackberry connection to Miss Cleo.
ZACHARY: Hmpph. (A sound like a stifled laugh) That’s almost funny, Max. If I were in a
better mood, I might have laughed.
MAX: You can’t blame a guy for trying.
PEYTON: (Looking at her watch) Boys, it’s almost warm-up time. We’d better get out of here.
ZACHARY: You’re right. I’m going up to the booth. Let’s give them a show, shall we? (Exits
L)
PEYTON: You got it, boss! (Watches Zach leave then turns to Max) What in the hell are you
doing? You were going to tell him about the offer!
MAX: Why shouldn’t I? Doesn’t he deserve some good news after what he’s been through
today?
PEYTON: Because we need him here right now! I’ll give him the message after the show’s over
and give him the chance to celebrate properly.
MAX: I guess you’re right. We need him focused right now. When he hears about this, he won’t
even remember that Pryde and Joy exists. Besides, what else can happen in a half-hour? (Joey
Blake enters R, holding a microphone.)
JOEY: Well, hello there, people! Are we ready to get started?
PEYTON: (Turning to Joey) Hello, Joey. It’s warm-up time already?
JOEY: Sure thing! The audience is seated and looking a little restless, so it’s time for me to earn
my paycheck.

38. MAX: Okay, Joey, we’ll get out of here and let you do your thing. Knock ‘em dead!
JOEY: If I do that, you’ll have to change the name of the show from Pryde and Joy to Pryde and
Joey, and we all know how well the last show starring a “Joey” went, don’t we?
MAX: Keep that up and you’ll wind up taking my job! (Max and Peyton exit R, the curtain
closes and the house lights come up, exposing the audience and making them part of the “show.”
Joey proceeds into his warm-up routine, which includes introducing the “cast” of Pryde and Joy
to the audience)
JOEY: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Studio 14, home to the hit
comedy, Pryde and Joy! As you know, you’re here to watch a live performance, so even though
it’s five in the afternoon here in Hollywood, we’ll be broadcasting live to the Eastern, Central,
and Mountain time zones. After this performance, we’ll reset everything, and do a second live
performance for those in the Pacific zone. We “pride” ourselves, pardon the pun, on doing
nothing but live shows, and we want to be sure that everyone gets to see our cast at their best!
Let me introduce myself, my name’s Joey Blake, and I’m what’s known as a warm-up guy. It’s
my job to get you ready for what you’re about to experience, so first of all, let’s go through all
the boring technical stuff. We need you to make absolutely sure that your cell phones, pagers,
blackberries, and PDA’s are turned off. This is to keep from disrupting the actors and the scene.
You also need to relinquish any recording devices of any sort. Video cameras, photography,
camera phones, and audio recorders are strictly prohibited. If you are caught recording, we will
confiscate your equipment and remove you from the studio. We do encourage your laughter and
applause, but we ask that you refrain from talking or any other bodily noises during the scenes.
The microphones here are extremely sensitive, and can pick up all sorts of background noise, so I
hope nobody has had soda or beans before coming here!
(At this point, Joey should ask questions to interact with the audience. “Where are you from”
“Who’s traveled the farthest” “Is anyone here for the first time” etc... to kill a few minutes. The
idea is to get the audience settled in and primed for the show, and still try to have some
humorous moments.)
Now that we’ve all gotten to know each other, it’s time to introduce you to our cast! First of all,
playing the lovable next-door neighbor, Ruth Pilansky, is one of Hollywood’s legends of movies
and TV: Hazel Cadwallader! (Hazel comes out from behind the curtain and takes a bow. She
comes across as dead sober, and plays up to the applause) Next, as Ruth’s gruff, but lovable
husband, Mitchell Pilansky, another legend of stage and screen: Geoffrey Dinsmore! (Geoffrey
comes out from behind the curtain in typical Geoffrey fashion. He gives an elaborate bow to the
audience with plenty of hand flourishes) And now, the adorable daughter of Alan and Joy. As
Katie Pryde: Valerie Headings! (Valerie comes out from behind the curtain, in her most
innocent way, bows and waves to the audience) Here’s the loving father and dashing husband of
our show. As Alan Pryde, Lance Burroughs! (Lance comes out from behind the curtain,
energetic, yet humble, as he takes his bow) Finally, one of America’s sweethearts and one of TV

39. Guide’s “Top Ten Sitcom-Moms,” as Joy Pryde, please give it up for Camille Fairchild!
(Camille comes out from behind the curtain to take her bows. She comes out in her “Joy”
persona, to come across as sweet and lovable as possible. Joey hands the microphone to Lance.)
LANCE: Thank you all for coming out today to watch our show! We appreciate your support,
and we hope you have as much fun watching us, as we do performing for you! Sit back and
enjoy yourselves, and we’ll get started in just a minute! (Lance hands the microphone back to
Joey and then the cast gets in line, holds hands, takes a group bow, then exits behind the curtain)
JOEY: Okay folks, we’re going to a blackout, and when you hear the theme music play, we’ll be
on the air! Thanks again for coming! (Joey exits the stage. Lights go back down and we hear
Zach’s voice from the booth)
ZACHARY: Places, everyone! We’ll be live in five, four, three, two, one, cue music! (Theme
music plays. Something cute and whimsical, probably about thirty seconds in length. As music
ends, the curtain opens and the “episode” begins. The lighting should be changed to spotlight the
living room area of the set.)
“PRYDE AND JOY” - Episode 172: “Katie Bakes a Cake”
(The curtain opens on the interior of the Pryde household. From the audience’s view, we see the
kitchen on the left and the living room on the right. Currently, the only one on stage is Camille.
She is dressed along the lines of Donna Reed. She is talking on an old style rotary phone and
dusting at the same time)
CAMILLE: That’s right, she was seen at Da Vinci’s, on the patio, having lunch with her golf
instructor, and they were laughing! Can you believe it? (Pause) Well, personally, I think it’s
almost scandalous. She’s the vice-president of the PTA. She can’t afford to have her image
tarnished that way. (Pause) Well, no, I didn’t see it myself. I got it from a very reliable source.
(Pause) Well, it was Phoebe who told me while we were in line at the IGA. She said that
Dharma told her during bridge. (Pause) Grace told her, who else? You know how close those
two are. I agree, Grace has a tendency to get her facts confused at times, but Phoebe said that
Dharma told her that Grace got it from Elaine, and you know how accurate she is. (Pause) Well,
regardless if it’s true or not, it’s enough to give me chills. Because of Gabrielle’s behavior, I
won’t even let Katie go anywhere near Wisteria Lane now. It’s just too dangerous. Speaking of
Katie, I see her coming up the walk now. I’d better go. (Pause) It was nice talking to you too,
Fran. (Hangs up the phone. Valerie enters through the front door. She is in a hurry and rushes
straight to her room)
VALERIE: (Quickly) Hello, Mother! I’ve got a lot of homework, so I’ll be up in my room all
night! See ya!

40. CAMILLE: (Surprised) Katherine Marie Pryde! You march yourself right back in here at once,
young lady! (Valerie comes back in, timidly. She is wearing something similar to a school
uniform) Is that how you greet your mother?
VALERIE: I’m sorry, Mother. (Kisses Camille on the cheek) I was just in a hurry.
CAMILLE: I can see that, but that’s no excuse for being rude.
VALERIE: You’re right, I won’t do it again.
CAMILLE: That’s better. Now, how was school today?
VALERIE: (Quickly again) Just peachy. I’ve got a ton of homework so I’m gonna get started.
See ya! (Tries to leave again)
CAMILLE: Hold it! (Valerie freezes in her tracks and winces) What is going on here? If there’s
one thing I know, it’s the fact that you’ve never been anxious to do homework. What are you
trying to hide?
VALERIE: I’m not trying to hide anything, Mother.
CAMILLE: Don’t you try to lie to me, Katie. You know you get the hiccups whenever you try to
tell a lie.
VALERIE: Don’t be silly, Mother. I don’t do anything like... hiccup... that.
CAMILLE: You were saying?
VALERIE: Rats!
CAMILLE: Watch your mouth! A lady does not use that sort of harsh language.
VALERIE: Yes, Mother.
CAMILLE: Now, it’s too early for report cards. I didn’t get a call from your school. So, it can
only be one thing, homework. Am I right?
VALERIE: Yes.
CAMILLE: I thought as much. All right, go up and change clothes. We’ll get your father to help
you when he gets home.
VALERIE: It’s not exactly something that Daddy can help me with.

41. CAMILLE: What? Don’t be silly. Your father is the smartest man I’ve ever known. There’s
never been a problem he couldn’t solve.
VALERIE: But can he cook?
CAMILLE: I beg your pardon?
VALERIE: I have to give a presentation tomorrow in my Home Ec. class on how to bake a cake.
I know I should have practiced by now, but I never got around to it. Without someone to show
me how it’s done, I’ll never make it through and Mrs. MacGregor will give me an “F”.
CAMILLE: Oh, honey, we don’t need your father for this. I can show you how to bake a cake!
We‘ll get started right after dinner. We’re going to have so much fun!
HAZEL: (Entering through the front door) Get started with what?
CAMILLE: Hello, Ruth! Katie and I are going to back a cake tonight after dinner for her Home
Ec. class tomorrow. It’s going to be a real mother/daughter experience that she’ll never forget!
VALERIE: (To herself) You can say that again.
HAZEL: Oh, that sounds positively lovely. I wish I could’ve done something like that with my
children.
CAMILLE: Ruth, you had three boys. None of them were interested in cooking.
HAZEL: They were when dinnertime came around. They all wanted to know what I was making
and by the time I could tell them, they’d already devoured it. It’s a miracle that Mitchell and I
never starved to death back then.
CAMILLE: I’ll bet! Anyway, I think that Katie and I will make a scrumptious orange cake.
That’s easy enough to demonstrate for a class.
HAZEL: Orange? Oh, Joy. I’ve got a chocolate cake that simply melts in your mouth. Every
time I make it, I have to hide it from Mitchell, so he doesn’t eat it all in one evening.
CAMILLE: I’m sure it’s delicious, but I don’t know if it’s wise to feed a bunch of teen-agers
chocolate during school. Besides, chocolate should be saved for special occasions.
HAZEL: This is a special occasion. It’s Katie’s first cake.
VALERIE: Actually, I’ve got a recipe here in my textbook...

42. CAMILLE and HAZEL together: RECIPE? (Both laugh)
VALERIE: I’m sorry, did I say something funny?
CAMILLE: Oh honey, we never use recipes when cooking! Real cooks keep all their recipes up
here! (Taps her head)
HAZEL: Your mother’s right, sweetie. The best cooks are the ones who can tweak their food as
they cook them.
VALERIE: I can see this is not going to go well.
CAMILLE: What was that, honey?
VALERIE: I said, I can’t wait! This is going to be swell! (Rolls her eyes to the audience.)
Hiccup!
HAZEL: Was that a hiccup, Katie?
LANCE: (Entering through the front door) I’m home! Where’s my two favorite girls?
VALERIE: Daddy! I’m so happy to see you!
LANCE: And how’s my precious angel today? (Kisses Valerie on the forehead)
VALERIE: I’m fine, Daddy, now that you’re here!
LANCE: Uh oh, I know that tone. You want something. Well, we’ll talk about it in a little bit.
Let me give the most beautiful woman in the world a hello kiss first.
HAZEL: You know, normally, I only let my husband kiss me. But in your case, I’ll make an
exception! (Holds out her arms toward Lance)
LANCE: It’s nice to see you, Ruth. You’ll forgive me, though, I wouldn’t want to make Mitch
jealous or anything. (Goes to Camille)
HAZEL: Please. Make him jealous. It’ll be nice to see him be something besides hungry and
tired.
CAMILLE: How was your day, darling?
LANCE: (After lovingly kissing Joy hello) Much better now. The best part of going to work is
coming home to my beautiful wife and daughter.

43. CAMILLE: Oh, Alan, you always say the sweetest things.
HAZEL: Isn’t that the truth. Alan, can you please give some lessons to Mitchell on how to talk
to his wife?
CAMILLE: You mean Mitch doesn’t give you any compliments?
HAZEL: Heavens, no! He always says the same things every day.
LANCE: What type of things, Ruth? (Hazel opens her mouth to speak, but we hear Geoffrey’s
voice as he comes into the living room from the front door)
GEOFFREY: (Hazel mouths the words as Geoffrey speaks them) Wife, I’m hungry! Where’s my
dinner?
VALERIE: (Valerie and Camille’s backs are to the front door so she doesn’t see Geoffrey
enter) Wow, Mrs. Pilansky! That is so neat! You sound just like your husband!
GEOFFREY: What’s going on in here? (Valerie and Camille turn around to see Geoffrey)
VALERIE and CAMILLE together: EEK! (Lance laughs)
HAZEL: I’m sorry, Mitchell. I didn’t realize how late it was. I’ll go get dinner started.
GEOFFREY: Started? Ruth, you know it’s Wednesday! I go bowling every Wednesday night. I
don’t have time now to wait for you to fix a meal.
HAZEL: I can make you a nice sandwich and a salad. You’ll have plenty of time to eat that.
GEOFFREY: A sandwich? Salad? Do I look like a rabbit to you? I’m a man, I need meat!
HAZEL: I’ll see if I can hunt and kill something between here and our house next door. If not,
you’ll just have to make do. Joy, I’ll be back after dinner to help you and Katie with that cake.
(Exits out front door)
GEOFFREY: (Exasperated) Fine. (Calling after her) I’ll be there shortly. I need to talk to Alan
for a minute.
LANCE: What’s up, Mitch? Is everything okay?
GEOFFREY: Honestly, Alan, we’re in a bit of a bind. Sparky McDowell called and can’t make
it to bowling tonight. I was wondering if you could fill in for him?

44. LANCE: Gosh, Mitch, this is sort of a last-minute thing. I haven’t spent any time with Joy and
Katie yet tonight.
CAMILLE: Oh, it’s all right, Alan. Katie and I were going to work on some homework after
dinner.
LANCE: Homework? You?
VALERIE: Mother’s going to teach me how to bake a cake for my Home Ec. class tomorrow.
LANCE: Well, since this is going to be a kitchen exercise, I guess I’m available after all.
GEOFFREY: Great! I’ll be back in an hour to pick you up! (Exits out front door)
LANCE: Joy, are you sure about this?
CAMILLE: Of course, darling. You go out with Mitch and have a good time.
LANCE: No, I mean teaching Katie to bake.
CAMILLE: Alan, Katie always comes to you with her homework problems. You help her with
her math, english, science, and history. For once, I can be the one to teach her something useful
and I want to make the most of this opportunity.
LANCE: I see. I guess I can’t argue with an argument like that. It’s settled, then. After dinner,
I’ll leave you two girls alone to have some quality time. How does that sound to you, pumpkin?
VALERIE: I’m sure Mother and I are going to have the most wonderful time together tonight,
Daddy.
CAMILLE: I’m so excited! This is going to be so much fun!
VALERIE: Hiccup! (Lance and Camille both give a puzzled look at Valerie)
SCENE ENDS
PEYTON: Okay, people! We’ve gone to commercial! Three minutes, everyone, three minutes!
Let’s set up for the next scene! (The cast scrambles to prepare for the next scene. Valerie and
Lance leave the kitchen, leaving Camille alone. As she preps for the scene, a strange woman
approaches her, holding a manila envelope)
D.J. APPLEGATE: Miss Fairchild?

45. CAMILLE: Who are you? This is a closed set!
D.J.: My name’s D.J. Applegate, I’m with Spotlight Investigations.
CAMILLE: Oh! Unfortunately, Miss... Applegate? This is not a convenient moment for me.
We’re in the middle of a live television broadcast.
D.J.: I understand that, Miss Fairchild, but your instructions were to deliver you the results of our
investigation just as soon as they’re complete. No excuses.
CAMILLE: I did say that, didn’t I. Okay, let me have it. What did you find out about Lance
Burroughs?
D.J.: Our report is in this envelope. I was hoping to have a chance to sit down with you and go
over everything...
CAMILLE: Sweetie, I don’t have the time for that right now. Give me the envelope. I’ll look it
over the first chance I get and if I have any questions, I’ll be in touch.
D.J.: I really think we should go over this together...
CAMILLE: Honey, in about ninety seconds, we’ve going on live to most of the country. If the
American public sees you on their TV screens, all hell’s going to break loose. Go find my
assistant, Gwen, and she’ll make sure that you get paid. Thanks for all your hard work, but right
now, I need you to scram!
D.J.: Okay, lady. Whatever you say. Good luck!
CAMILLE: (Panics) Don’t you know you never wish somebody in show business good luck?
D.J.: I’m not talking about the show, sister. That’s the last thing you’re gonna need luck with
pretty soon. (D.J. exits. Camille starts to open the envelope)
PEYTON: Thirty seconds, people! Thirty seconds! Places! (Camille rushes into the living room
part of the set and stuffs the envelope behind a pillow on the sofa. She comes back in and joins
Hazel and Valerie for their next scene)
ZACHARY: (Voice only) And we’re back in five... four... three... two... one... action!
“PRYDE AND JOY”
SCENE TWO

46. (Camille, Valerie, and Hazel are in the kitchen, ready to begin baking. There are cake
ingredients, bowls, cups, spoons, etc... on the kitchen counter/table. Among the paraphernalia
are two dozen eggs in cartons. The three women are all wearing aprons. Valerie has a notepad
and pencil. The lighting should be changed to spotlight the kitchen)
CAMILLE: All right, sweetie. Let’s go ahead and get started. The first thing we’ll need to do is
combine our flour, baking powder, and salt into a bowl.
VALERIE: (Furiously scribbling) Flour, baking powder, and salt. Got it. How much of each?
HAZEL: How much flour was that, Joy? Two cups?
CAMILLE: I’d say closer to three.
HAZEL: Three? I never use that much flour. I think it makes the cake heavy.
CAMILLE: Alan likes heavy cakes. He doesn’t eat so much in one sitting.
VALERIE: So what’s next?
CAMILLE: Once you have this mixed, go ahead and add three eggs. (Starts breaking eggs and
adding them to the bowl)
HAZEL: Three eggs? Joy, dear, aren’t you worried about calories?
CAMILLE: I’m more worried about making a cake that looks good and tastes even better. If we
were meant to worry about calories, God wouldn’t have created desserts.
HAZEL: So true, so true.
VALERIE: Three eggs, check. What next?
CAMILLE: Now we’ll go ahead and add the sugar... (Doorbell rings) Now I wonder who that
could be?
VALERIE: Do you want me to go answer it?
CAMILLE: No dear, I don’t want you answering the door at this time at night. You never know
who’s out and about these days. I’ll get it. (Camille exits kitchen)
HAZEL: Katie, dear, hand me that big bowl over there, would you please?
VALERIE: Sure, Mrs. Pilansky, but why?

47. HAZEL: I’m going to show you how to make a chocolate cake. Just listen to what I tell you and
take notes.
VALERIE: But I thought we were making an orange cake...
HAZEL: Katie, dear, you know I think the world of your mother. She’s my best friend in the
whole world, but I’ve tasted her orange cake. It’s all right, but if you want to earn an “A” in your
Home Ec. class, follow this recipe. First, two and a smidgeon cups of flour... (Hazel starts
mixing ingredients in a different bowl)
VALERIE: How much is a smidgeon?
HAZEL: Ummm... more than a pinch but less than a dab.
VALERIE: Right. That makes it clear as mud.
HAZEL: (Oblivious to Katie’s remark) Two teaspoons of baking soda, some salt...
VALERIE: How much salt?
HAZEL: I’d say more than a pinch but less than a smidgeon.
VALERIE: Between a pinch and a smidgeon... that makes a pigeon! EWWWWW! I am not
baking a pigeon cake for school!
HAZEL: Who said anything about pigeons? We were talking about adding salt.
VALERIE: Why do you add salt to a cake in the first place? I thought cakes were supposed to be
sweet?
HAZEL: Well... um... it’s not exactly a question that I can answer, Katie. The best that I can tell
you is that you add salt to a cake because you’re taught to. It’s like adding sugar to chili.
Nobody tells you why you do it, you just do. My mother taught me to add salt to a cake mix, and
I’m sure her mother taught her.
VALERIE: I may never eat cake again. I’m almost afraid to see what you use to make a pie.
HAZEL: That, Katie, depends on the pie. If it’s apple, you add nutmeg. If it’s a cherry pie, you
add...
VALERIE: I think I get the idea.

48. HAZEL: Can you hand me the sifter, dear? This is lumpier than it should be.
VALERIE: I knew we should’ve used the recipe.
(While this interaction between Hazel and Valerie is going on in the kitchen, Camille has gone
back out to the living room and recovered the envelope. She has enough time to open it, remove
the contents, and begin looking at them. However, she does not have enough time to learn the
results of the investigation before her cue line, so she stuffs the papers back behind the pillow.)
CAMILLE: (Entering the kitchen) Did I hear something about pigeons?
HAZEL: (Hiding her bowl) We were just talking about how many pigeons have been in the
neighborhood lately. I think we may have to get more cats. Who was that at the door?
CAMILLE: A church group selling peanut butter cookies to raise funds for a mission trip to
Chile. Isn’t that sweet?
VALERIE: (Still scribbling on her notepad) Baking soda... salt... nutmeg... peanut butter...
chili...
HAZEL: Where is Chile? Isn’t that just outside of Poughkeepsie?
CAMILLE: No, silly. Chile isn’t even in New Jersey. I think it’s in Australia somewhere.
HAZEL: Australia? That’s a long way to go for a mission trip! They’ll have to sell an awful lot
of peanut butter cookies.
CAMILLE: Well, they were also selling coconut cookies and lemon cookies but they had run out
of those. I forgot, have we added the sugar yet to the recipe?
VALERIE: (Still writing) sugar... coconut... lemon... lemon? I thought we were making an
orange cake?
CAMILLE: We are, honey. Haven’t you been taking notes?
VALERIE: Yes, mother, but I think I got confused somewhere. When did we add the chili to the
mixture?
CAMILLE: Chili? What are you talking about, Katie? (Doorbell rings again) Good heavens!
Again? You’d think we were having a party or something.
HAZEL: You want me to get it this time, Joy?

49. CAMILLE: No, I’ll get it. See if you can help get Katie’s notes straightened out. (Camille exits)
HAZEL: Sure thing! (She gets her bowl from where she’s hidden it.) Okay, Katie, write this
down. You need three squares of chocolate, half a cup of buttermilk...
VALERIE: Here we go again. Chocolate... buttermilk...
HAZEL: Oh, I added too much milk... nuts!
VALERIE: Milk... nuts... why are we adding nuts if we already have peanut butter?
HAZEL: Peanut butter? When did we add peanut butter? I don’t even know a recipe for a
peanut butter cake.
VALERIE: Peanut butter cake? I thought you were trying to make a chocolate cake. I’m so
confused. I need a glass of water. (Valerie goes to the ingredients, picks up a glass of water, and
drinks it)
HAZEL: Katie, what are you doing? I needed that water for my recipe.
VALERIE: I’m sorry, Mrs. Pilansky. I didn’t know. Nobody told me to add water to the list yet
so I thought it was for drinking.
HAZEL: It’s all right, dear, can you get me some more from the refrigerator please? (Katie goes
to the fridge and looks in)
VALERIE: Uh, Mrs. P.? I think we’re out of water. Mom must not have filled the pitcher again
after dinner. Can we substitute something else in its place?
HAZEL: Well, it depends. What have you got?
VALERIE: I see apple juice, milk, iced tea, lemonade, and a bottle of Yoo-Hoo.
HAZEL: Yoo-Hoo? That’s perfect! We’ll use that. It’s a chocolate cake, no one will know the
difference. It’ll blend right in. (Valerie brings her the bottle)
VALERIE: Is this what you call tweaking a recipe?
HAZEL: This is tweaking at its finest, sweetheart. Now, be a good girl and hand me two eggs
please.
(Camille has pulled out the papers from behind the pillow again. She has found pictures in with
the papers and recognizes the people in the picture. One person is definitely Lance, she finally

50. recognizes the woman in the picture as Peyton. Camille is shocked, hurt, and outraged, but tries
to retain her composure as much as possible to finish the scene. She throws the papers and
picture on the sofa and goes back to the kitchen. At this point, there should be enough lighting
on the living room portion of the set so we can see Camille going through the papers yet the
brightest area should still be the kitchen.)
CAMILLE: Have we figured out the problem with the recipe?
VALERIE: We think so. It’s nothing that a bottle of Yoo-Hoo couldn’t fix.
CAMILLE: That’s nice. Yoo-Hoo?
HAZEL: So who was it this time?
CAMILLE: Excuse me? (Not paying attention to the dialogue or her cues)
HAZEL: At the door. Who was at the door?
CAMILLE: Oh, it was the paperboy. I didn’t realize that he hadn’t been paid yet for the week.
Alan usually takes care of the bills and such. It’s not like him to forget something so important.
HAZEL: Paying the paperboy is important?
CAMILLE: (Distracted) I’m sorry... what?
HAZEL: I asked if paying the paperboy was important.
CAMILLE: Oh! Of course. It’s relevant to keep a good standing in the neighborhood. If you
forget something like paying the paperboy, word gets around and the neighbors will talk.
HAZEL: I’d love to hear what they say if you forget to pay the electric bill. Imagine the scandal
something like that would cause! (Laughs)
CAMILLE: Something like what? (Losing more of her concentration)
VALERIE: (Helping Hazel cover for Camille) Not paying the electric bill. Are you all right,
mother?
CAMILLE: I’m quite all right, Katie. Why wouldn’t I be?
HAZEL: You just seem a bit... distracted, that’s all. Why don’t you help us with this cake
recipe?