How to save marriage?

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Marital Happiness
An outcome of Emotional Intelligence

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PREFACE
Dr. S.Prasanthi Ph.D(HDFS)
Department of Human Development
and Family Studies
College of Home Science
Hyderabad
Marriage can be a big blessingifthe partners understandingeachother and value each
other.Marriage becomes a boon to the couples if they adjust to each other needs and support
each other. Partners should make conscious effort to make the marriage successful and
fulfilling. Marital conflicts should be resolved by the partners without confrontation.
Marriages are made by the partners to be either successful or families. Marital success
depends on emotional intelligence of both the partners. Partners should effectively manage
their emotions to bringin success andcontentment in marriage. Partners should focus on the
strengths of each other to promote marital wellbeing and marital bliss.

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TOPICS LISTED
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Introduction
Why do people marry?
Marital success and happiness
Marital roles
Marriage throughout the life course
Why the divorce rate in India is increasing?
Marriage Myths
Communication in marriage
Emotional needs to be fulfilled by either of the partners
Emotional factors that play a vital role in marital stability
The four emotional which damage relationships
Emotional intelligence in marriage- five steps in attaining a
healthy level of emotional intelligence
Marital success predictors
Marital failure predictors
Basic emotional needs expected by both
Factors tend to influence their likelihood of marital
success.
Husbands want from their wives
Wives want from their husbands

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INTRODUCTION
Marriage is deemed essential for virtually everyone in India. For the
individual, marriage is the great watershed in life, marking the transition to
adulthood. Generally, this transition, like everything else in India, depends
little upon individual decision but instead occurs as a result of the efforts of
many people. As India is a mixture of different cultures we have different
type of marriage ceremonies but the concept is same. Marriage is the
process by which two people who love each other make their relationship
public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond
that lasts until death, but in practice it is increasingly cut short by divorce.
There are few who, over the course of a relationship that can last as many
as seven or eight decades, with lots of happens even though Personalities
change, body ages, and romantic love waxes and wanes. Let us look at
“Marriage in different cultural context”.
MARRIAGE IN HINDU DHARMA
 In Hindu dharma, marriage is viewed as a sacrament and not a
contract.
 It is a life-long commitment of one wife and one husband, and is the
strongest social bond that takes place between a man and a woman.
 Marriage is not a concession to human weakness, but a means for
spiritual growth.
 Man and woman are soul mates who, through the institution of
marriage, can direct the energy associated with their individual instincts
and passion into the progress of their souls.
 The doors and keys of marriage are “Love and Dedication,
Recognition and Contribution, Sharing and Learning, Trust and
Responsibility”

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MARRIAGE ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE
 Marriage is God's idea. First wedding is found in Genesis 2:18,
21-24
 Marriage was designed for companionship and intimacy (Eph.
5:23-32)
 Bible says that husband and wife are different yet equal (1
Peter 3:1-5)
 Husbands need to love and sacrifice for wife and wife need to
submit to her husband (1Peter 3:7)
 Bible instructs couple to strive to overcome immoral living (1
Corinthians 7:1-2)
MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
 Marriage in Islam is based on mercy and love.
 In Islam the marriage relationship is characterized by safety,
comfort, love, and mutual rights and responsibilities.
MARRIAGE IN HINDUISM
 It is a union of two individuals as husband and wife, and is
recognized by law.
 They pursue dharma (duty), artha (possessions), kama (physical
desires), and moksha (ultimate spiritual release) together.
Happy marriages are based on deep friendship. This means a mutual
respect for each other's company," and intimate knowledge of each
other's quirks, likes and dislikes. This explains the surprising finding that
frequent fighting is not a sign of a bad marriage (unless, of course, it
becomes physical abuse). No marriage is free of conflict. What enables a

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couple to endure is how they handle that conflict. So how do you
manage the problems that inevitably arise? And how can you keep the
spark alive?
WHY DO PEOPLE MARRY?
Positive reasons Negative reasons
Love and companionship
To have children
Adult identity
Commitment and personal
fulfillment
Continuity and permanence
Social legitimacy
Social pressure
Economic security
Rebellion or revenge
Practical solutions to
problems
MARITAL SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS:
Marital stability and marital satisfaction play a major role in success of
marriage. Marital Stability refers to whether a marriage is intact and
whether the spouses have ever suggested divorce. Marital satisfaction
refers to whether a husband or wife sees their marriage as good.
Marital Stability and Satisfaction tend to be higher for
those with higher education
those who are more religious
those who married after age 20 instead of in teens
Marital happiness decreases when couples experience
poverty
unemployment
financial problems

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What’s important in a successful marriage?
Compatibility
Flexibility
Positive attitudes
Communication and conflict resolution
Emotional support
MARITAL ROLES
Partners experience New Roles
Wife work includes physical and emotional nurturing of
husbands.
Husbands need to nurture wife’s emotional and physical needs
husbands must help wives with “husband work.”
Spending time with in-laws
Associating with the partner’s needs and expectations
Attending partner’s families religious activities
New community organizations
Becoming a Parent
MARRIAGE THROUGHOUT THE LIFE COURSE
The Early Years: Basic adjustments and settling in.
new unfamiliar roles
balancing relationships
Marriage and Children: Socializing and raising children.
Marital satisfaction tends to decrease once a couple have
children

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Reaches lowest satisfaction levels when the children are
adolescents.
Marriage at Midlife: Adapt to new conditions.
Intergenerational family ties, relationships with in-laws, the
empty nest syndrome, and the “boomerang generation”
Marriage in Later Life: Older couples describe their marriages as the
best years of their lives.
More time, more effective conflict resolution
Depends on the partners’ health
Marital Satisfaction follows a U-shaped curve
High levels early in life, lower levels while raising children, and
higher levels later in life.
WHY THE DIVORCE RATE IS INCREASING?
Loneliness: Shift from joint to nuclear families has added loneliness to
partners.
Double income couples: Couples so involved in self (career growth) that
they do not have time to spend for each other leading to unsatisfied roles
(as partner and parents) and over expectation from partner. They are not
aware of the impact of divorce on child’s future.
Financial freedom of women: Women are walking away from an abusive
relationship.

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Parental acceptance: Parents have started to believe that their children
can have a better life after divorce rather than a continuous conflict with
spouse.
Gender roles: Conflict often arise when the husband imagines that the
wife’s’ career is temporary or the wife imagines that her husband will lend a
hand in house hold work.
Stress of modern life: Everyone is on a hurry train; no body wants to
know what other person needs.
Professional rivalry: Men are still not comfortable with the strong
independent modern woman. Men might feel that they are ready for a
working partner, and they can be…but not for a high powered career
woman.
Falling to Marriage Myths
Never fall for the following myths
Wife is responsible for husband financial and health status
Love is all you need to have a successful marriage.
Your spouse should only fill your needs.
Baby saves your marriage.
You can change your spouse.
It only takes one of you to save your marriage.
Living in relationship before you get married guarantees a long
lasting marriage
Having a successful marriage is your luck.
The longer you are married, the closer you will become.

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COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
Communication plays a vital role in marital satisfaction and marital
stability. Effective communication is a process through which the sender
conveys a message that the receiver readily receives and understands. It is
a two-way process instead of a one-way process.
UNDERSTAND SEX DIFFERENCES IN COMMUNICATION
Women’s speech
Like to talk often.
Talking is an effort to establish equality.
Questions more for greater understanding
encourage conversation to accomplish work successfully
Speech references to emotions
Men’s speech
Speak only to finish specific purposes.
Speak to exercise control to establish, enhance, or defend
personal status and ideas.
Speech is more forceful, direct, and authoritative.
Communication in conceptual terms.
COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS
Not listening
Not responding to the issue at hand
Blaming EACH OTHER, criticizing, and nagging
cruelty or disrespect

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EMOTIONAL NEEDS TO BE FULFILLED BY EITHER OF THE PARTNERS
Accepted, acknowledged, admired, appreciated, approved of
Believed in
Capable, challenged, competent, confident forgiven
Forgiving, free, fulfilled
Heard, helped, helpful
Important, in control, included
listened to, loved
Needed, noticed
Powerful, private, productive / useful
Reassured, recognized, respected
Safe / secure, supported
Treated fairly, trusted
Understanding, understood
Valued
EMOTIONAL FACTORS THAT PLAY A VITAL ROLE IN MARITAL
STABILITY
Love and affection between couple
Emotional expression
Forgiving each others mistakes
Adaptability
Stress tolerance
Interdependency
Compassion/consideration towards your spouse
Accepting each other
Emotional bonding between couples
Maturity levels
Commitment to ones roles and responsibility

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Empathy- understanding, compassion towards your spouse
Emotional intelligence
Emotional competence
THE FOUR EMOTIONS WHICH DAMAGE RELATIONSHIPS
Defensiveness
Stonewalling-accusing spouse
Criticism- disapproval
Contempt-dislike, hatred, disrespect.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN MARRIAGE
Use Self awareness: Be clear with what are your wants, needs
and requirements
Use Self management: Manage yourself and do not go in flow
with emotions
Use partner’s awareness: Identify your partner’s wants, needs
and requirements
Use Relationship management: Manage your relationship
keeping in consideration your and your partner’s wants, needs
and requirements.
STEPS IN ATTAINING A HEALTHY LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL
INTELLIGENCE:
Managing Stress:
Stress shuts down the ability to feel and think rationally. Learning to
regulate stress is important in being able to be emotionally stability.
Manage Emotions:
Emotional exchanges are the bonding agent in communication.
Interactions are triggered by a multitude of emotions such as sadness,
happiness and anger.

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Nonverbal Communication:
Nonverbal communication is powerful. Eye contact, facial expression,
posture, gestures and touch can convey more to another person than
words.
Humor:
Humor can help in taking hardships in stride, smoothing over differences,
to lighten up on events that are not life-threatening or morally wrong or
to simply have a good time.
Conflict Resolution:
How a person manages their stress will determine how easily conflict
resolution can be achieved. Finding resolution is not always easy, but it
can be achieved when emotional intelligence skills prevail.
Being honest and self-awareness are two important factors in
attaining a healthy level of emotional intelligence.
MARITAL SUCCESS PREDICTORS
Resolving Problems
Avoiding Conflict
Giving value to one another’s advice.
Equality in Marriage
Having enough money
Making the relationship a priority
Having good friends as a couple
Good sex life
Being good friends with each other
Having children
Being in love
Being able to disagree

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MARITAL FAILURE PREDICTORS
Arguing
Criticizing
Ignoring Problems
Sacrificing yourself for your partner!
Harshness on the part of the wife
Contemptuousness
Differences in Sexual Desire
Lack of talking (introvert)
Depression in one or both partners
Physical exhaustion
Job Stress
One person makes all the decision
Spending free time individually
Emotional or verbal withdrawal
BASIC EMOTIONAL NEEDS EXPECTED BY BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE
Need to be loved and to love
The need to belong;
The need for a good self-image and
The need for autonomy
FACTORS INFLUENCEING MARITAL SUCCESS
Attitudes: A democratic attitude, where both seek to cooperate
and compromise is most functional.
In-laws: Especially if couples live close to parents, getting along
with in-laws is important.

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Common Interests: Couples with shared interests are more likely
to participate in activities together and develop greater
understanding and empathy for each other.
Similarities: Similar background of couple's in terms of education,
religion, nationality, and social status, works out better for success
in marriage.
Children: Children strengthen an already strong marriage, and
"hold together" a poor one.
Communication:
Happily married couples tend to:
(a) Talk to each other more often,
(b) Are more sensitive to each other's feelings, and
(c) Use non-verbal communication more effectively.
Roles: A similar expectation of work roles, housework roles, and
spouse roles is one of the most important factors in marriage.
Tradition: If both spouses are traditional, that works wonderfully -
as it does if both are more contemporary. The greatest conflicts
occur when wives are more contemporary than husbands in what
they consider the "right" roles for husbands and wives.
Personality: The personality traits of individual such as emotional
stability, self-control, affection, responsibility, favourable self-
perception, and optimism are correlated with good marriage
adjustment.
Religious Participation: Religion and marital success are related,
regardless of their differences or denomination.

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WHAT HUSBANDS WANT FROM THEIR WIVES
Husbands want his wife to believe in his capabilities
Husbands want his wife to understand him
Husbands enjoy pat on their back i.e., appreciate him (not too much)
Likes to be accepted by his wife the way he is.
When tired or during relaxing he wants his wife to get to point as he
doesn’t like gossip
Expects affection from wife -holding your husband's hand in public, leave
a message of love on his voice mail, massage his shoulders, and give him
an unexpected kiss. Men like to be romanced too!
Expects respect from wife in front of others- by making positive
comments about his thoughts and opinions, by being understanding his
plans, and by avoiding the "eye roll" when listening to him.
Expects free time as soon as he is back home from office.
Trust him, if you have any doubt seek counseling but never spy
Likes his wife to be a friend too
WHAT WIVES WANT FROM THEIR HUSBANDS
Husband should tell her daily that she is loved as she needs affirmation
Deserves husband’s willingness understanding and forgiveness as they
believe that No one is perfect
Conversation about her as an individual
Expects willingness to make time for her and your Children, as she gives
high priority for loved ones
Think twice before saying "no”, you will be surprised at how saying "yes"
can improve your relationships.
Listening with your heart but not with your ears as it’s really
disheartening when she realizes that he didn't listen to her

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Express affection and Kindness by saying "please" or "thank you" or
“sorry” give an unexpected kiss
Likes her husband to share household and child rearing responsibilities
Take off now and then from worrying about what is happening with the
kids, the house, the pets, and you. She deserves this break in her schedule
and she needs to provide it for herself to be emotionally and physically
healthy
Expects commitment to take care of himself both physically and
emotionally. She is your lover not your mother.
Wishingallthereadersahappymarriedlife