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4 TRUTHS About Resolving Conflict in Your Business
1. 4 Truths About Resolving
Conflict in Your Business
“Harnessing Conflict
to Improve
Your Business”
Trish Blake-Jones
April 6th, 2016
Photo:www.integra-leadership.com
2. 4 Truths…
① You cannot ignore conflict
② Conflict arises from unmet expectations
③ Conflict has level of “cares” or values
④ Other person not necessarily evil
4. Emotions in Conflict (cont’d)
Say things we don’t mean
Mean things we don’t say
Emotions: confuse, hypnotize,
energize, freeze us in fear
We’re stuck
5. Emotions in Conflict (cont’d)
A N G E R
Worry
Sadness Uncertainty
Shame
Disappointment Jealousy
Vulnerability
6. Conflict goes with us
Business Personal/Family
www.familybusinessmatters.consulting
10. Common conflict coping
mechanisms…
Side-step issue, don’t talk about it
Avoid other party
Triangulate: get others on your side
Retaliate, Undermine, Give up
11. When conflict festers…
Employees take control of broken
processes,
Voids get filled – you lose power to
control the outcome
Conflict spirals
18. YOUR Intention
Be the leader in your conflict
Move into your conflict, in order to
move through
Follow your intuition
19. Difficult People & Conflict
Personality Disorders
15% of population: 1 in 7 people
Borderline Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Don’t recognize they are high-
conflict
21. High-Conflict People (HCP)
How to respond?
Don’t take it personally – it’s not you
Use resources: HR, manager, 3rd party
Book: “It’s All Your Fault at Work”
Bill Eddy, LCSW, ESQ.
22. High Conflict People
There are
some people
you’ve just
got to love
from a
distance.
Sonya Teclai
The Goodvibe.co
23. Group development & conflict
Forming Storming Norming
Performin
g
Bruce W. Tuckman model
24. Reducing Conflict in business:
Crystal clear work processes
Team roles defined, refined
(frequently)
Clear lines of reporting
Policies communicated and followed
25. Reducing Conflict in business:
Consistent recognition & reward
programs
Model resolution culture –
transparency, integrity, openness
Get support if conflict averse
My Goal – for you to glean one or two concepts to help you think differently about a conflict you want to resolve.
People can and will solve their own conflict.
But 20-80% of a typical work day can be consumed with the fallout of a dispute or conflict. Conflict uses up vast resources and personal energy.
CONFLICT IS DIS-EMPOWERING
When we are “in’ a conflict, our emotions run high. This is normal.
“This is business – don’t take it so personally. Of course you take it personally!
Conflict is relational.
Conflict is disempowering.
Anger makes us feel righteous, maybe. Provides a false sense of strength.
We pay a price for conflict.
Anger: 2nd level emotion…cloaks feelings of worry, sadness, jealousy, uncertainty, fear, shame.
Emotion is a very valuable source of info in a conflict you want to resolve.
Why? Helps you clarify exactly what is going on internally.
None of these responses is wrong
Skillful person uses RIGHT response, at RIGHT time, with RIGHT person
What are the tangible… not generalities… consequences of ignoring conflict… Fear is not a strategy…
Why can’t you ignore conflict in your workplace?
What kind of conflict might you be able to ignore?
“The ability to ask for what we want — directly, confidently, and without aggression or manipulation — is an important factor in preventing and resolving conflict at work and home.”
I worked with a family-run business. This business was owned by a parent, and two siblings worked in it full time. When they came to me to help with, they would admit, overwhelming conflict between all the family members. In turns out, work processes and job definitions were not clear. So instead of one person being responsible for a defined task, no one would do it, or worse two would do it and fight about the decisions, costs, etc.
Workplace teams, interdepartmental groups, partnerships…
They are all closed systems.
One part not functioning well, it affects all the parts.
The system becomes POISONED.
Third generation family businesses…cannot outrun the conflict
This is why you cannot ignore conflict in your business.
A typical definition of conflict is that it emerges when
YOU PERCEIVE THAT YOUR NEEDS AND INTERESTS ARE INCOMPATIBLE WITH MY NEEDS AND INTERESTS. We are in different camps/ we are opposed / you’re my enemy.
Conflict arises from unmet expectations
How benign is that? So simple.
Difference between first definition and mine is all of a sudden we can become curious about the other party – what were your expectations?
Curiosity cracks the door open. Our view of the conflict – if we’re willing – can shift. My intention is to find out more, not be positional.
STORY ABOUT GILL
Why is this important and what is my responsibility as the business person…
Definition of a Personality Disorder-
“Enduring pattern of problems with interpersonal functioning in broad range of personal/social situations, leads to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational and other areas of functioning.” American Psychiatric Association
We have people like this in our lives and have/ or have had them in our work environments. We may like them very much. In non-stressful situations people with these personality disorders are charming, funny, smart, engaging.
Bill Eddy is a clinical social worker, attorney, and mediator. Founder of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, he has coined the term HCP (High Conflict People). People with personality disorders tend to stir up conflict when they are stressed.
On this next slide are characteristics of HCPs
I have realized that my best friend does have these traits
DO NOT
De-personalize the conflict to the extent you can. The other party is likely to behave similarly with others; this is their modus operandi. Don’t dwell on the “Is it me?” question.
PROCESSES STRONG = CONFLICT WEAK
“DON’T YOU TYPE AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE” - Pinterest
Sometimes all that is needed to get unstuck in a conflict is to sincerely and deeply apologize to the other party. Their second level care may be that you never admit you’re wrong. Think about it…
