Interpersonal & influencing skills Presented by David Rodgers APM PMO SIG conference 19 October 2017

1. Interpersonal & influencing
skills
The path of least resistance

2. We need help from others to make change happen
The Wonderful People of Change

3. Its great having all the data to make decisions, but what happens when the decision
makers need influencing to make decisions?
People have faith in data. But have belief in people

4. A good balance of each otherwise things can go wrong

5. What I want to achieve today
You say
• ‘I found it an interesting talk’
• ‘There were some things I knew, but some really useful ideas’
You think
• you’ve learnt something new
• of new ways to tackle a stakeholder(s) in your business
• there are easy ways to change how you currently do things
You feel
• More confident about how you can influence people
• You have learnt new concepts about how people think
• You have seen another side of how to promote your PMO

6. Our Journey
Basic
Principles of
People
Components
of influencing
Things to
Remember/Avoid
Differences in
Reality
How people Process
information
Language
Body Language
Values
Building Rapport

7. Ice Breaker

8. ACTIVITY
Someone on each table has to pour a glass of water without touching the glass or jug
Ice Breaker
Person A
The person on the table who’s
Forename is closest to the
START of the Alphabet
Person B
The person on the table
who’s Surname is closest to
the END of the Alphabet
Convince person B to pour your water for you

9. Basic Principles of People

10. “We don’t see things as they are.
We see things as we are.”

11. Versions of Reality
The way people experience “reality” is subject to interpretation. it depends upon:
• Our hardwired brain: views, values, beliefs
• Perception: How perceptive are we? What are we capable of seeing, noticing,
feeling?
• Self Interest: We look for things to reinforce our integrity, pride, or sense of self
• Experiences: self limiting beliefs, our upbringing, relationships (positive &
negative)
• How information is being delivered: first hand experience, or second/third hand
Think of a work example of this – Maybe a difference of opinion about a RAG status?

12. Versions of Reality

13. Versions of Reality

14. Processing Information & Filters
We experience ‘reality’ through our senses and their dominance
In NLP this is called the ’Meta Model’

15. Processing Information & Filters
Watch carefully

16. Processing Information & Filters
DELETE
DISTORTION
GENERALISATION
Information deemed useless will be
deleted from our consciousness
Information in its raw form is turned into
something else with a different meaning
or outcome
A powerful filter that creates beliefs, both
positive and negative
Our filters are developed through previous experiences and how we dealt with them

17. Processing Information & Filters
DELETE Information deemed useless will be
deleted from our consciousness
With the extreme amount of information entering and being
processed by our nervous systems, we focus on what is apparently
most important at a specific moment in time and the rest is
deleted from our conscious awareness.
Quality Assurance
Proof Reading
Driving somewhere without remembering the journey

18. Processing Information & Filters
DISTORTION Information in its raw form is turned into
something else with a different meaning
or outcome
We misrepresent our reality through distorting our experience of
pure sensory information. Being intimidated by certain people,
frightened of a harmless situation, procrastinating, or
misinterpreting what someone says, are examples of how people
distort reality.
Presentations to large groups
Risk/issue analysis
Relationships with senior stakeholders

19. Processing Information & Filters
GENERALISATION A powerful filter that creates beliefs, both
positive and negative
The processing of sensory information and the interpretational output
of what it means. We learn generalisations as we grow and
experience the world.
For example, a toddler who learns how to open a door for the first
time, quickly generalises their new ability so that all types of doors
can be opened from then on.
Poor performance of others (reputation)
Self limiting beliefs

20. The way you are perceived is probably not the way you believe
you are perceived.
Your messages will always be translated differently to how you expected

21. Components of Influencing

22. Components of Influencing
Values/Beliefs RapportCharacter
To influence, we need to find the path of least resistance

23. Components of Influencing
Beliefs
Values
Body Language
Tonality
Character
Actions
Words
Rapport
Ethos

24. Components of Influencing
Who do we have the greatest level of rapport with? Why?
Presentation
What’s the first thing we look for/assess when meeting or
dealing with people?

25. First Impressions!
Amy Cuddy, a Harvard Psychologist who’s studied first impressions for
over 15 years found that people quickly try to answer two questions
when they first meet you:
Can I trust this person?
Can I respect this person?
Only once trust has been established, will competence be evaluated

26. Rapport Building
• Voice matching (Tone,
speed, timbre, tempo,
volume)
• Key words
• Words/phrases linked to
their preferred rep system
• Gestures (e.g hand movements)
• Breathing
• Blinking
• Posture
• Matching the movements
of another person (right to
right)
• Crossover Matching (if
they cross their legs, you
cross your arms)
• Mirroring movements of
another person (right to left)
• Micro muscle mirroring
Mirroring Matching
Tonality
&
Words
physiology
Pace Lead
Congruence between actions and words is essential

27. Rapport Building

28. Rapport Building

29. Rapport Building

30. Rapport Building

31. Language - Sleight of Mouth
Is Hard Worth Doing? Hard Is Worth Doing
It doesn’t matter It matter’s not

32. Language - Sleight of Mouth
• BUT – A powerful eraser! Replace ’BUT’ with ‘AND’
• Don’t – The unconscious brain cannot process this word but we love
negativity!
• Presuppositions – Phrases making assumptions that something will/won’t
happen (replace If with When)
• I’m Sorry (Sorry) – disarm people
• The person’s name – Used sparingly to acknowledge individuals. We all
want to be noticed/listened to/validated
• Planting the Seed – “That’s a good idea!”

33. Other way to look at it
Reframe the picture
A powerful method to change the way you or a group see a situation,
turning a negative into a positive or giving another perspective to a
situation which can plant a seed.

34. Deactivate the response
First, Fear First
A tactic to disarm potentially difficult situations before
continuing. By opening the conversation with:
‘I want to [talk/discuss/tell you something] but I have a
fear that….’
Starting with how you believe the other party(ies) will
react, you reduce the chance of them reacting in the way
you believe they might.

35. Give And You Will Receive!
The Reciprocity Norm
A very common social norm that which says that if I
give something to you or help you in any way, then you
are obliged to return the favor.
Reciprocity also works at the level of liking. We like
people who like us, and dislike those who dislike us.
References: Regan (1971), Kunz and Woolcott (1976), Cialdini (1993)

36. Leading with facts
The Power of three
The use of two statements using truths, followed by a
third ‘leading’ request. The two facts are a common
ground that no one can deny, and the third sentence
will be met with less resistance.
Works really well with children!
References: Turner (2005)

37. Failure Makes us More Likeable
The Pratfall Effect
When you make a mistake, you appear more human,
more like others and so more likeable. People who are
perfect can seem threatening, but people who are
imperfect are safe and hence easier to truly like.
Admit mistakes, apologise, and own the failure.
References: Aronson, Willerman and Floyd (1966)

38. Things to Remember/Avoid

39. Is Hard is Worth Doing?
Beliefs
Values
Body Language
Tonality
Character
Actions
Words
Rapport
Ethos

40. Key Points
• Try to imagine the world through their lens
• What’s important to them/causing them pain
• How do they experience reality
• Communicate in a way they recognise
• Remember the representational preferences
• Do they prefer detail or big pictures

41. Key Points
• Build rapport
• Use body language (mirror/matching)
• We have best rapport with friends
• Sleight of Mouth
• Deploy some of the psychological tactics
• Use language as a weapon – word weaving

42. Key Points
• We’re all Human
• Promote ‘ethos’ where possible
• Talk to people like humans. Make the feel
included, listened to, and make yourself
the same as

43. Final thought…
“You cannot force someone to comprehend
a message they are not ready to receive.
Still, you must never underestimate the power
of planting a seed”

44. REVIEW

45. What I want to achieve today
You say
• ‘I found it an interesting talk’
• ‘There were some things I knew, but some really useful ideas’
You think
• you’ve learnt something new
• of new ways to tackle a stakeholder(s) in your business
• there are easy ways to change how you currently do things
You feel
• More confident about how you can influence people
• You have learnt new concepts about how people think
• You have seen another side of how to promote your PMO

46. THANK YOU

47. This presentation was delivered
at an APM event
To find out more about
upcoming events please visit our
website www.apm.org.uk/events