Quotes from the famous humorist.

2. 24 hours in a day,
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not.
I wrote a few
Children’s books. . .
Not on purpose.
If you tell a joke in the forest,
but nobody laughs,
was it a joke?

3. A lot of people are
afraid of heights.
Not me.
I'm afraid of widths.
I stayed in a really
old hotel last night.
They sent me a
wake-up letter.
I live on a one-way street
that's also a dead end.
I'm not sure how I got
there.

4. I was trying to daydream,
But my mind kept wandering.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That
just kills me. I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that
didn't happen.

5. In Vegas I got into a long argument
with a man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be
an odd number.
If at first you don’t succeed,
skydiving is not for you.

6. If everything is
coming your way,
You’re in the
wrong lane.

7. You can’t have
everything. Where
would you put it?
I went to a general store, but theywouldn’t let me
buy anything specific.
What’s another
word for
Thesaurus?

8. I almost had a psychic
girlfriend, but she left me
before we met.
I was a peripheral visionary.
I could see the future, but only way off to the side

9. I busted a mirror and got seven years
bad luck, but my lawyer thinks
he can get me five.
There was a power outage at a
department store yesterday.
20 people were trapped
on the escalators.

10. All those who believe in
telekinesis, raise my hand
How do you tell when
you're out of invisible ink?
Hard work pays off in the
future. Laziness pays off now
I have an existential map. It has
“You are here” written all over it.

11. Boycott shampoo!
Demand the
REAL poo!
You neverreally learn to
swear until you
learn to drive.
Theproblem with the genepool
is that there is no lifeguard.
Change is inevitable....
exceptfrom
vending machines.

12. If you were
going to shoot a
mime, would you
use a silencer?
If a word in the
dictionary were
misspelled, how
would we know?

13. For my birthday I got a humidifier and
a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room
and let them fight it out.
I installed a skylight in my
apartment... the people who live
above me are furious!
I think it's wrong that only one
company makes the game
Monopoly.

14. There’s a fine line
between fishing and
just standing on the shore
like anidiot.

15. I went to a restaurant that serves
"breakfast at any time.“
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I got this powdered water–
now I don't know what to add.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings
back so many memories.

16. I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.