The Testimony of a Functional Alcoholic

1. Avoiding the Abyss – The Testimony of a Functional Alcoholic
My name is Bob and I was a functional alcoholic. You might say highly functional since I was able to
succeed at my job in spite of myself. I was already functioning within an alcoholic reality and had been
for several years.
My first DUI occurred while married to my second wife (yes, the alcoholism “helped” me in my marriage
relationships too!). We were separated and going through a divorce at the time. The divorce itself did
not cause me to get a DUI, though. There were many, many times in my past when I had close
encounters with the tragedy that accompanies alcoholism. There were fights, jail time for public
drunkenness, drunk at work, though never fired, occasional blackouts, one car crash, and the list goes
on. I was caught driving drunk twice, but there were several times when I could have killed another
person or persons or myself while driving. I was walking on the edge and each time I would back away,
take a break from drinking and tell myself the same lie. “You’re ok, just a one-time thing. Stay off the
sauce for a few days.” Believing this lie was my biggest mistake. I racked up quite a list of “one-time”
events over twenty-five years. By the grace of God and the help and care of others, tragedy did not
befall me. It was, however, always close at hand. It is important to note that, as I reflect back now, my
attitude toward the DUI and the classes that followed (as well as the jail time) was one of victim. This
does not make sense to me now but at the time that is how I thought – my reality. The victim mentality
was reinforced by the relationships, brief though they were, that developed with the folks who attended
the mandatory post-DUI classes. After we shared how the system had sucked us in, we went on to brag
about how we didn’t have a problem with alcohol and how we had just been “unlucky” this time. Every
now and then we would explore the causes, do a little objective analysis of our past and try to make a
plan how we might change our distorted reality but most of the time we just bragged. We just “did our
time” replacing reality with a program that could rarely be sustained outside of the meeting walls and
too often repeated our mistakes. Repentance, the willingness to turn around and change direction, was
not emphasized nearly as much as it should have been. Begging for forgiveness for having fallen off the
wagon was praised, but repentance was rarely explored. The full activity of repentance, that is
observing one’s condition, reflecting on the causes and realities being lived out that cause the condition,
then the willingness and agreement to turn around and go a different direction are critical to moving
into the recovery phase. Without repentance, we are doomed to repeat the same reality.
My second DUI occurred at an entirely different phase of my life. I was traveling to customer sites,
giving presentations and at the top of my professional game. I had alcohol under control! This was the
first myth I was living. During a week-long business trip I controlled my drinking (only a couple of beers
a night) and went into the final day with great confidence and a feeling of accomplishment. The
customer was happy, I had a dedicated wife waiting for me and my golf swing was really improving! On
top of the world…in control…let’s party! I had a few shots with beer chasers and a very fine steak,
medium rare. Not a problem. I am in control. This was the reoccurring mistake I had been making for
many years: I AM IN CONTROL. I had proved this to myself time and time again. What was my proof?
No tragedy had befallen me! I was living on the edge of an abyss, looking over into the darkness and
laughing at how close I was without falling in. Sometimes I rushed to the edge and stopped suddenly,
scared yet excited. Most of the time I wandered over and looked down, shouting “You won’t have me!”
and listening to the eerie, hollow echo of my own voice calling back to me. The reality is we are more
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2. Avoiding the Abyss – The Testimony of a Functional Alcoholic
likely than not to fall over that edge. Sometimes there is a moment of grace that keeps us from falling.
Sometimes grace lets us fall a short distance onto a ledge just below the edge. Inevitability, if we keep
flirting with the abyss it will have us. We will go over that edge and keep falling. The bottom is hard and
cold and for many it becomes their final resting place.
It was the last night before going home, the customer trip was a success, and I got really drunk. I left the
restaurant and found a pool hall. I drove just a mile or so away from the motel. I was in control – I
could handle it. I parked and went in and started playing pool. It became apparent to me that I needed
to slow down the drinking for a while so I could focus on the balls. My plan was to just buy one beer and
nurse it until the edge of the cue ball stopped dancing back and forth. This is another of those myths we
alcoholics like to believe. A beer or two is not bad. Just control the intake for a while and you will be
fine. This was reinforced by the many times I had stopped drinking all together. I could go an entire
month or so without having a drink. Surely that proves I am in control. Sometimes I could have a
refrigerator full of beer or several bottles of scotch sitting around and never take a drink. Surely this
proves I am in control. At some point that night “I am in control” morphed into “I don’t give a shit any
more”. When that happened the shots started flying again. Eventually I was drunk and way out of
control. The cops found me sleeping it off in the rental car, in the pool hall parking lot, keys in the
ignition. At some point I must have tried to drive back to the motel. However, I never made it out of
the parking lot. How lucky was that! I was taken to jail and charged with a DUI. What happened next
was a sequence of grace moments that changed my life forever.
The next morning I called the customer I had been working with for the past week. To this day I do not
remember his name. I told him what had happened and that I needed $500 to make bail. I told him I
would pay him back as soon as I got home. Now, why should this man help me? He had only known me
for a few days. Why would he even care? In spite of the odds he said he would come down and bail me
out. After he picked me up he drove me back to the motel, gave me his address, and said goodbye. I
never saw him again. I don’t think he ever expected to see his money again, but he gave it to me
anyway.
After he dropped me off I started to review the events of the past few hours and what affects they were
going to have on my life. I recalled the judge’s statements to me seven years before when I got the first
DUI. “Sir, you have a problem and you are likely to repeat it if you do not take your situation seriously.
The statistics show that in cases like yours a reoccurrence will happen in about seven years.” Here it
was, about seven years later, and I was charged with another DUI. I had not really listened to what the
judge was saying seven years earlier. I had not taken my situation seriously in spite of an automobile
accident that could have killed me, or worse, someone else. Back then I had run up to the edge of that
abyss, yelled down into the darkness, “Not this time!” What I did not realize is that seven years earlier I
had actually gone over the edge. For seven years I had been wandering on a ledge and now I had
slipped off. This time, though, it felt like a freefall into the darkness I had once mocked. This time the
bottom was coming up fast. My job would be gone. My wife would leave me. I would spend the next
year behind bars (this the judge had promised). Life as I knew it was unraveling rapidly and there was
nothing I could do about it. The bottom of that abyss was coming up fast and the darkness enveloped
me like a black, suffocating blanket. I began to feel trapped and filthy as the floor of the pit grew closer.
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3. Avoiding the Abyss – The Testimony of a Functional Alcoholic
I took a shower, cleaned myself up, and started sobering up. I began to feel better until the darkness
started to close in again. The realization that a totally different reality was about to consume me began
to sink in, a reality that I had no control over yet I had brought into existence. A cold chill began to
creep down my spine and I felt too weak to stand. I fell to my knees as a flood of emotion poured over
me. I cried, “Oh, Lord, what have I done?” Then I began to pray, “Forgive me, Jesus, forgive me!”
That’s all that would come out of my mouth for several minutes. After all the years of attempting to
justify my drinking, after telling myself all the lies and after living all the myths, all I could say in my
defense was “Forgive me.” Soon the sobbing began to subside and I heard a voice clearly say “Follow
Me”. Not two or three times, just once: “Follow Me”. An unexplainable calm surrounded me, a sense
that no matter what happens from this point on, if I obeyed and followed Him, I would make it. I was
given no guarantee that the things I feared would go away or not happen, just a sense of peace that as I
went through them He would be with me if I followed Him. I had stopped falling down through the
abyss. It was as if God’s angels had swooped down and grabbed me by the shoulders, baring me out of
the darkness and into the light. I wasn’t sure what would happen next, but I was sure that whatever it
was, He would be with me and right then that was all that mattered.
The days, months, and years that followed were not easy. I had to pay for the mistakes I had made. I
had to go to those I had hurt and ask for forgiveness. I did not lose my job or my wife, but I did lose
many friends who would no longer associate with me. If you have read down this far you may even be
ready to disassociate yourself from what I am saying writing it off as some kind of religious garbage. If
you feel that way my experience may not help you. If you really felt that way, though, you would have
stopped reading before now. Consider your own life right now. Have you been living your own myths
and lies? Are you in the same place you have been in for so many years and are you tired of that place?
Have you tried all the programs that try to get you headed down a different path? How are they
working for you? Jesus Christ, the Son of God, born of the Virgin Mary, crucified, dead and buried
descended into the hell we create for ourselves and frees all those whom He calls. He ascended into
Heaven and is now seated at the right hand of God, the Father. His program is the only one that really
works and He promises to go through it with you. All you have to do is say “Forgive me, Jesus, forgive
me”. I pray that you do. I promise you will hear his voice say “Follow Me”.
I have been sober for nineteen years now, not by chance, by choice. I chose to accept the forgiveness
offered to me and to work toward changing a distorted reality. I stood back, observed and reflected on
what had been happening to me, my life, and those around me, and where I would eventually end up if I
continued on the same path. I repented, for the first time in my life, which required me not only to ask
for forgiveness but to also agree to stop, turn around, and take a different path, one that did not include
alcohol. I allowed people to hold me responsible and accountable for this new life plan and then I began
to live into it. When I got weak, folks reminded me of the commitment I made and I remembered God’s
voice from the motel room floor, “Follow me”.
What is a functional alcoholic? The website,
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/problem/a/functional.htm, gives an excellent definition and describes
the signs. It was written by Buddy T. and posted on About.com on updated on October 31, 2012. I
would encourage you to visit the site. Here’s an excerpt from the site:
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4. Avoiding the Abyss – The Testimony of a Functional Alcoholic
Denial Runs Deep With This Type of Drinker
Many people think of alcoholics as disheveled, homeless winos who have lost everything, but there are
people who meet the criteria for a medical diagnosis for alcohol dependence who are highly functional
in society and still have their jobs, homes and families. This type of drinker is known as a functional
alcoholic.
They rarely miss work and other obligations because of their drinking, although it does happen
occasionally, and they usually excel at their jobs and careers. Typically, they are clever and witty
individuals who are successful in many areas of their lives. To all but those who are closest to them, they
give the outward appearance of being perfectly normal.
Denial Is a Problem
One of the main reasons that alcoholics seek help for their drinking problems is the eventual negative
consequences of their alcohol consumption. When the pain or embarrassment gets bad enough, they
can no longer deny that their drinking needs to be addressed.
For the functional alcoholic, the denial runs deep, because they have yet to encounter outward
negative consequences. They go to work every day. They haven't suffered financially. They have never
been arrested. They don't have a problem!
But There Is a Problem
The functional alcoholic consumes as much alcohol as any "full-blown" alcoholic, they just don't exhibit
the outward symptoms of intoxication. This is because they have developed a tolerance for alcohol to
the point that it takes more for them to feel the effects (including hangovers). Consequently, they must
drink increasingly larger amounts to get the same "buzz" they want.
This slow build-up of alcohol tolerance means the functional alcoholic is drinking at dangerous levels
that can result in alcohol-related organ damage, cognitive impairment and alcohol dependence. Chronic
heavy drinkers can display a functional tolerance to the point they show few obvious signs of
intoxication even at high blood alcohol concentrations, which in others would be incapacitating.
God Bless You,
Bob, A Recovered Alcoholic
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