Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix, acknowledges mistakes in how the company handled splitting its DVD and streaming services and increasing prices. While he apologizes, his tone suggests he still does not understand customer dissatisfaction and prioritizes profits over customer experience. He expresses confidence customers will still pay despite poor treatment and references abusive behavior towards customers.

1. Netflix, A Parody Or “How to Lose a Business in 10 Days”

2. Hi folks. I’m Reed Hastings. Not “Greed” Hastings. Not “I’d rather shop at” Hastings. Not “You’re a fucking douche bag and I hope you burn in hell and get raped by devil bats for all eternity” Hastings.

3. I should apologize. First and foremost, I didn’t think telling my customers this news would have a negative impact. You see, I assumed people would continue to give me money despite my horrible treatment of them. I figured they’d be able to look past my shortcomings… such as my inability to cater to my subscribers, my utter lack of business sense, and my physical resemblance to an asshole who just told his customers to go fuck themselves.

5. I’m really disappointed with how we handled things, not because we were arrogant pricks, but because of your reaction to us being arrogant pricks. I’m just hoping this doesn’t affect my cash flow, because I’ve gotten used to having a certain amount of disposable income.

7. You know, streaming really is the future. I know the content is horrible, as is the quality. I know that content is on a steady decline and has been for months. But that doesn’t mean I’m willing to get paid less by offering less.

8. Typical Netflix Instant Streaming Choices

9. Netflix Instant Streaming: New Arrivals Netflix Instant Streaming: Comedies

10. We realize we had a good thing. The problem is, we wanted a better thing. Not better as in, we make a product more desirable by making the sought after improvements. Better as in… I can now afford to wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills.

11. Breaking News: Netflix decides to take on a daring new business… prostitution. They have a lot of experience; they’re great at fucking their customers.

12. See, I’m like a man playing with a newborn kitten. I give the kitten a string, he enjoys it immensely, and then I kick him in the balls until I get my hearty chuckle.

13. Keep kittens away from Reed Hastings

14. I gave you, the consumers, my customers, a fantastic product. It was innovative, it was out of this world, and it had the potential to become something great. But now it’s time for me to pull the string away and kick you in the balls.

15. I hope that Qwikstar, er… Qwikflicks… er QuicksterflicksflexgayestnameeversinceLanceBassandLiberacecombined… is a raving success. And if not, I don’t give a shit. You’ll give me your money, and I’ll abuse you, and then I’ll apologize, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop hitting you. Next time, have dinner ready when I come home.

16. Plus what are you going to do? Go to Hulu? Trek your lazy ass to Redbox? Get some sunshine? I don’t think so.

17. Three weeks later…

18. Damn I have a lot of these… I hope I can use them as currency…