IT leaders are expected to break down silos between different technology teams, get end users to understand and embrace policies, and forge productive relationships with their counterparts on the business side of the organization. This is harder than it sounds, because while people can behave rationally, they can also be governed by emotions such as frustration and fear of change. They can be driven by ego, a bad attitude, or simple ignorance. They can cause conflict that can disrupt professional relationships, drag down a team or even poison an entire department. Unfortunately for technical-minded leaders, there's no Python script to program company-wide collaboration and harmony and get everyone to sing Kumbaya. We have to learn how to build healthy relationships with employees, drive engagement, and understand how to resolve conflicts using practical, effective strategies.

1. Humans Aren’t
Computers
Effective Management
Strategies for IT
Leaders

2. Who Are We?
Michele Chubirka, aka "Mrs. Y.,” Security architect, professional
contrarian, blogger, nerd stalker.
www.healthyparanoia.net
chubirka@postmodernsecurity.com
https://www.novainfosec.com/author/mrsy/
@MrsYisWhy www.linkedin.com/in/mchubirka/
Joe Weston, workshop facilitator, consultant, and author of the book
Mastering Respectful Confrontation. Also founder of the Heartwalker
Peace Project.
heartwalker@joeweston.com
http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/

3. Who We Aren’t

4. How engaged can you be today?

5. Agenda
• Introductions and Background
• State of the Workplace
• Understanding Leadership
• The Missing Employee Manual
• Learning to Connect
• Your Message Matters
• Building a Healthy Culture
• Takaways

6. Introductions and Background

7. Let’s Talk About Why We’re Here
• How many of you started out as engineers or
technical staff?
• Do you feel happy and energized by your work?
• Would you like to improve the quality of your
professional environment?
• Why did you accept a leadership role?

8. What’s the SLA with Our Staff?
• Employees Are the Most Valuable Asset.
• Why is the relationship so challenging?
• Do we treat them better or worse than our
hardware assets?

9. "If you don’t understand people,
you don’t understand business….”
-Simon Sinek

10. State of the Workplace

11. An "engaged employee”
• Enthusiastic
• Furthers the goals of the organization
Engagement improves productivity, profits,
customer ratings and employee retention

12. Gallup’s 2013 State of the American
Workplace
• Disengagement costs U.S. $450 to $550 billion
per year.
• 70% of American workers are “not engaged” or
“actively disengaged.”
• Those with college degrees are less likely to be
engaged.

13. 2012 Global Workforce Study by Towers Watson
• Out of 32,000 full-time workers, only 35% were
highly engaged.
• Employee retention depends on relationship with
management, trust in senior leadership and
ability to manage work-related stress.
• Less than half surveyed believed that supervisors
have time to address interpersonal issues.

14. Stress
79 % of IT staff consider quitting
due to job-related stress.
-From GFI Software’s 3rd Annual IT Admin Stress Survey

15. Impact

16. Absenteeism
Engaged employees in the UK take an average of
2.69 sick days per year; disengaged take 6.19.
- From Gallup’s “Employee Engagement: How to Build a High
Performance Workforce”

17. The Bottom Line
Organizations with highly engaged employees
achieve twice the annual net income of those where
employees are less engaged.
- from Kenexa’s “The Impact of Employee Engagement”

18. Drivers of Engagement
• Leadership
• Stress management, balance, workload
• Clear goals, objectives, mission
• Relationship with supervisors based on trust
• Organization’s image

19. Motivation and Engagement
Study sponsored by the Federal Reserve Bank
found three main factors motivate people in their
work.
– Autonomy
– Mastery
– Purpose

20. Gallup’s 12 “Rules” of Engagement
1. I know what is expected of me at work
2. I have the material and equipment I need to do my work right.
3. At work, I have the opportunity to do what I do best every day.
4. In the last seven days, I have received recognition or praise for doing good
work.
5. My supervisor, or someone at work, seems to care about me as a person.
6. There is someone at work who encourages my development.
7. At work, my opinions seem to count.
8. The mission or purpose of my company makes me feel my job is important.
9. My associates or fellow employees are committed to doing quality work.
10. I have a best friend at work.
11. In the last six months, someone at work has talked to me about my progress.
12. This last year, I have had opportunities at work to learn and grow.

21. Understanding Leadership

22. “Leadership is not a rank, it’s a decision.”
-Simon Sinek
Author of “Leaders Eat Last”

23. Happiness As The New ROI
“…the ROI that you will receive from putting together a culture in which
you put your employees first, and their happiness and satisfaction first,
the payoff is immeasurable over the long term. And they really want it….”
— Shawn Riegsecker, Founder and CEO of Centro, Crain’s Chicago
Business’ Best Place to Work List for four straight years, 2011 – 2014
Riegsecker has a 98% approval rating on Glassdoor.com and he reports
that 65% of new hires come from internal referrals.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tre79ppLpII

24. Power and Leadership in the
21st century

25. Key Areas for Balance in the Workplace
• Work Tasks
• Relationship
• Self Care

26. “Human beings have discretionary energy,
and they would give it to you if you treat
them with dignity and respect.”
-Paul O’Neill, former Treasury
Secretary of US under George W. Bush

27. When one moves into their
vulnerability,
their true power is revealed.

32. The Missing Employee Manual

33. Brain RTFM

34. "The human brain hasn't had a hardware upgrade in about
100,000 years."
- Daniel Goleman, Author of Emotional Intelligence

35. Neuroscience 101
Limbic System: The interior of the cortex,
includes the hippocampus and amygdala.
Supports emotion and long-term memory.
Prefrontal Cortex: Region responsible for
planning, decision making and moderating
behavior.
Think of the limbic system to the
prefrontal cortex as a horse is to a
rider.

36. Demonstration: A Brain In the Palm of
Your Hand
• Hold up your hand and make a fist.
• This is a good representation of the brain and
spinal column.
• The brain stem, limbic system and neocortex.
* These two slides are oversimplifications of a very complex
system.

37. The Threat Response: Step 1
Cortex receives input from the thalamus, a component of the
limbic system responsible for relaying sensory information and
pain perception.

38. The Threat Response: Step 2
Limbic system and prefrontal cortex (the executive or
evaluator of the brain) take in data simultaneously.

39. The Threat Response: Step 3
Amygdala, responsible for emotional response and memory,
acts as an alarm activating the fight/flight hormonal
response if threat is perceived.

40. The Threat Response: 4
Sympathetic nervous system sets up organs and muscles for
fight/flight response, inhibiting digestion and the
hypothalamus prompts the release of stress hormones.

41. Emotional Contagion
• Limbic system is an “open loop,” influenced by
other people’s emotions, aka mirror neurons.
• Mirror neurons activate when an animal performs
an action or when an animal observes the same
action of another animal.
• Basis of empathy.
• Also called emotional contagion.

42. The Power of Mirror Neurons
Researcher Marie Dasborough observed two groups:
• One group was given negative feedback accompanied by
positive emotional signs, nods and smiles.
• Another was provided positive feedback that was delivered
using negative emotional cues, frowns and narrowed eyes.

43. Entrainment
• Those receiving positive feedback with negative emotional
signs felt worse than those receiving negative feedback
given with positive emotional cues.
Your emotions and actions are mirrored by
those around you.

44. Negativity
• The brain has a negativity bias because the limbic system
is quicker than the prefrontal cortex when evaluating
threat.
• Traumatic experiences are “stickier” than positive, happy
experiences, i.e. harder to un-map.
• It takes five to twenty seconds for positive experiences to
register in the brain.

45. No Escape From Threat
• Negativity is useful for a species to evolve.
• Most are in a permanent state of cortisol overload due to
the constant stressors of modern life.
• Stress hormones stay in the body for hours.
• Decreases intellectual capacity, memory and lowers impulse
control.
Stress makes you stupid.

46. Amygdala Hijack?
Intense and immediate emotional reaction, followed by
the understanding that it was inappropriate.
• I thought that stick on the ground was a snake!
• I don’t like you or I’m bored, so I won’t cooperate or
listen to what you have to say.
• That guy who cut me off in traffic was trying to kill
me!
• Why were you so insulting to me in that email
yesterday? (studies show there’s a negativity bias in
email.)
• Other examples?

48. Thin Slicing: Warren Harding Syndrome
• Human beings make quick decisions based on
intuition.
• “Love at first sight” or a “gut reaction.”
• Called “Thin Slicing” or “Fast Thinking.”
• Example is “Warren Harding Syndrome.”
• A mediocre presidential candidate, Americans
voted for him , because he was tall, good looking
and charming.

49. Harding has been
called one of the
worst presidents
in history.

50. Thin Slicing: Bedside Manner
• The likelihood of a doctor being sued doesn’t
correlate with the number of errors made.
• Psychologists can predict which doctors will be
sued.
• They analyze the amount of time spent with
patients and if the tone of their voices sounded
“concerned.”

51. There’s No Mr. Spock
• Neurologist, Dr. Antonio Damasio, had a patient
who had been a successful corporate lawyer.
• A tumor was discovered in his prefrontal lobes.
• When removed, the circuit between this area
and amygdala was severed.

52. Somatic Marker
• No damage to his cognitive abilities, but his life
fell apart.
• He couldn’t make decisions when presented with
simple choices.
• He no longer had any feelings regarding
options, no preferences.
• Basis for the Somatic Marker Hypothesis, a
theory that emotions assist with decision-making.

53. Bounded Emotionality
It is a gross
misconception that
reason can be
completely
separated from
emotion.

54. Learning to Connect

55. Big Brains Are Social
• Anthropologist Robin Dunbar found that a
species’ brain size is linked to the size of its
social group.
• We have big brains in order to socialize.

56. We’re Wired for Empathy
• In brain’s non-active moments, it reverts to a
configuration called the “default network.”
• According to researcher, Matthew Lieberman, this
resembles the social thinking brain, which is
empathetic.

57. Is Efficiency Overrated?
• Study conducted by Gillian M. Sandstrom and
Elizabeth W. Dunn of the University of British
Columbia.
• People who “smiled, made eye contact, and
talked with the cashier” at a coffee shop
reported better moods than those who avoided
interaction.
• Small interactions with others can create a
feeling of connection according to researchers.

58. How To Engage a Terrorist
Interrogator, Matthew Alexander discovered that
building rapport with prisoners in Iraq was the most
effective interrogation method, not torture.

59. “The quickest way to get most (but not all) captives
talking is to be nice to them.”
Mark Bowden, author of Black Hawk Down

60. Common Social Heuristics
• Tit for Tat:
– Be kind first, keep a memory of size one, and
imitate your partner’s last behavior.
– Only the last behavior is remembered and
imitated.
– Political scientist Robert Axelrod found this to
be the most frequently winning strategy.
• Don’t Break Ranks

61. FBI’s Tips for Building Relationship
1. Understand the other’s priorities and goals.
2. Place their needs ahead of yours.
3. Listen without formulating your reply. Let the other person talk.
1. Ask for thoughts and opinions.
1. Suspend your ego, avoiding judgment and criticism.
Robin Dreeke oversees the FBI’s Counterintelligence Behavioral Analysis
Program and author of "It’s Not All About Me."

62. Making Stress Your Friend
• A study tracked stress in 30,000 adults over eight
years.
• Researchers found those under great stress had a
43% increased risk of death, if they believed
stress was dangerous.
• Under stress, the pituitary gland releases
Oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
• Acts as anti-inflammatory which can counteract
negative effects of stress.

63. Your Response to Stress Makes a Difference
"When you choose to connect with others under
stress, you can create resilience"
- Kelly McGonigal, health psychologist and
researcher, Stanford University

64. Methods of Connecting with Others
• Interaction based on Emotional Intelligence:
self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and
motivation.
• Social engineers and con artists use the same
skills to create emotional and social affinity with
a target.
• Conflict resolution methods.

65. Your Message Matters

66. “People don’t buy what you do,
they buy why you do it."
- Simon Sinek

67. Golden Circle

68. The Golden Circle + Human Brain

70. Building a Healthy Culture

71. “We have to face the fact that either
all of us are going to die together or
we are going to learn to live together,
and if we are to live together we have
to talk.”
- Eleanor Roosevelt

72. Communication Models Based On Empathy
• XYZ model
• NVC
• Respectful Confrontation

73. Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent
Communication
• Facts or observations
• Feelings
• Needs or what’s “alive”
• Request

74. Joe Weston’s Respectful Confrontation
• Behavior
• Impact
• Need
• Make a request

75. "Niceness can be a dodge to avoid engaging in
unpleasant interactions."
-Bill Kahn, Ph.D.

77. What’s Really Going On?

80. Goals
• Learn about empowered, collaborative
engagement.
• Reframe views on confrontation,
assertiveness, and true power.
• Achieve greater self-confidence, personal
freedom, fulfillment, and peaceful
interactions with others.

81. My truth ≠ The truth

82. Respectful Confrontation
• The practice of developing the respectful self
• The practice of respectful engagement
• The practice of respectful offense
• The practice of respectful defense

83. 3 F’s
Fight
Flight
Freeze

85. “Hmm, I’d like a cup of tea…”

86. 5 Steps of Clear Communication
1. Contact with yourself
2. Contact with other
3. Desire/Impulse
4. Act of communication
5. Received message

87. True power = Brute force
Confrontation = Conflict
Assertiveness = Aggression

88. Brute force ≠ true power

89. 4 Pillars of True Power
• Grounding
• Focus
• Strength
• Flexibility

90. Conflict ≠ confrontation

91. “Courage is what it takes to stand
up and speak. Courage is what it
takes to sit down and listen.”
- Winston Churchill

92. Conflict
1 : FIGHT, BATTLE, WAR 2 a : competitive or
opposing action of incompatibles : antagonistic
state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or
persons) b : mental struggle resulting from
incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or
external or internal demands; see DISCORD

93. Confront
con·front 1 : to face especially in challenge :
OPPOSE 2 a : to cause to meet : bring face-to-face
<confront a reader with statistics> b : to meet
face-to-face : ENCOUNTER

94. Respectful Confrontation
Definition
CONFLICT: an encounter that leads to
the further separation of individuals,
the breakdown of relationship, and
the disempowerment of the other.

95. Respectful Confrontation
Definition
CONFRONTATION: an encounter that
leads to individuals coming closer
together, deepening of relationship,
and the empowerment of all involved.

96. “If you fear making anyone mad,
then you ultimately probe for the
lowest common denominator of
human achievement.”
- Former President, Jimmy
Carter

100. Aggression ≠ Assertiveness

101. Aggressive
1 a: tending toward or exhibiting aggression <aggressive
behavior> b: marked by combative readiness <an aggressive
fighter>
2 a: marked by obtrusive energy b: marked by driving
forceful energy or initiative : enterprising <an aggressive
salesman>
3: strong or emphatic in effect or intent <aggressive colors>
<aggressive flavors>
4: growing, developing, or spreading rapidly <aggressive
bone tumors>

102. Assertive
1 : disposed to or characterized by bold or
confident assertion <an assertive leader>
2 : having a strong or distinctive flavor or aroma
<assertive wines>

103. Respectful Confrontation
Definition
AGGRESSION: any behavior, action,
remark, gesture, or facial expression
that impacts another with the goal to
disempower and/or is received by the
other in a harmful, threatening way.

104. Respectful Confrontation
Definition
ASSERTIVENESS: any behavior,
action, remark, gesture, or facial
expression that impacts another with
the goal to empower and/or is
received by the other in a positive
way.

105. Respectful Offense:
Giving Feedback
1. Prepare (come with facts, times, dates).
2. Make contact. Be sure it is a good time and place.
3. Introduce the topic. Let the other know why you are having this
conversation.
4. Share what you have NOTICED about the behavior in question. Give
examples.
5. Express how it affects you (feelings, state of being, unmet needs)
6. Identify desired need. Be open to listen to the need of the other.
7. Mention the desired behavior and collaborate on solutions.
8. Sum up. Make clear goals, agreements for the future, and how to follow
up.
9. End the confrontation.

106. Important Feedback Points
• You are addressing someone’s BEHAVIOR, not
them as a person.
• You MUST share how their behavior affects you,
otherwise you are not giving feedback, you are
criticizing.
Name, behavior, effect, need, desired
behavior, follow-up

107. “With realization of one’s potential, and self-confidence
in one’s ability, one can build a better
world.”
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama

108. “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will
wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield....
what is soft is strong.”
- Lao Tzu

109. http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/

110. Key Takeaways
• Bad trumps good in the human brain.
• You can’t turn your emotions off, they’re critical for decisions.
• We’re all responsible for the quality of the emotional landscape.
• Stress makes you stupid, by shutting down blood flow to the pre-frontal
lobes.
• If you set off a stress response in someone, you minimize the
chance of having a rational dialogue.
• Confrontation isn’t always negative. Resistance to change can
provide valuable feedback.
• Leadership is a decision, not a role you’re hired into.
• A happy, pleasant work environment fosters engaged, productive
staff with less stress for everyone.

111. “People don't care how much you know until they
know how much you care”
― Theodore Roosevelt

112. Where Can You Find Us?
Michele Chubirka, spending quality time in kernel mode.
http://www.healthyparanoia.net
Twitter @MrsYisWhy
Google+ MrsYisWhy
networksecurityprincess@gmail.com
Joe Weston, writing and teaching workshops.
http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/

113. References
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Goleman, Daniel, and Richard Boyatzis. "Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership." Harvard Business Review Sept. 2008: 74-
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Goleman, Daniel. Working with Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam, 1998. Print.
Hanson, Rick, and Richard Mendius. Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom. Oakland, CA: New
Harbinger Publications, 2009. Print.
Kryder, Suzanne. The Mind to Lead. N.p.: NeuroLeap, 2011. Print.
Luders, Eileen, Florian Kurth, Emeran A. Mayer, Arthur W. Toga, Katherine L. Narr, and Christian Gaser. "The Unique Brain Anatomy of
Meditation Practitioners: Alterations in Cortical Gyrification." Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 6.34 (2012): 1-9. Print.
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Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer, 2003. Print.
Siegel, Daniel J. The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-being. New York: W.W. Norton, 2007. Print.
State of the American Workplace: Employee Engagement Insights for U.S. Business Leaders. Rep. N.p.: Gallup, 2013. Print.
Street, Farnam. "An FBI Agent Reveals 5 Steps To Gaining Anyone's Trust." Business Insider. Business Insider, Inc, 20 Jan. 2014. Web.
18 Mar. 2014. <http://www.businessinsider.com/fbi-agents-steps-to-gain-anyones-trust-2014-1>.
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Emeryville, CA: Heartwalker, 2011. Print.