Dating, Premarital, Marriage, Re|Engage Workshop by Elizabeth Davis, MA, LPC-S Counselor Rockwall / Heath, Texas www.EmbraceNewLife.com

1. Long SPOONS,
TuningFORKS, &
The Art of Relationship Repair
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
FlamencoDANCING
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3

2. Review
1 of
Attachment Styles
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60
Elizabeth Davis, MA, LPC

3. Review
2 of
Temperaments
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

4. Review
3 of
Temperaments &
Four Horseman
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

5. Review
4 of
Fear Cycle
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

6. Let’s Collect
Some Group STATS
Get out your cell phones and type in
‘Kahoot.it’ in your search engine.
Go to Kahoot.it
You can use your initials or a nickname.
Use a Nickname
There is no wrong answer. Answer the
questions to the best of your ability!
Let’s Play!
5 of
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

7. Today
6 of
Repair Cycle
Elizabeth Davis, MA, LPC
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

8. Repair Maxims
• All people are annoying.
• There’s nothing more difficult than another person.
• There’s a big difference between annoying and threatening.
• There’s no such thing as a low-maintenance person.
• All people are high-maintenance, up close.
• Couples usually act according to wiring, not knowledge,
especially under stress.
• This ‘wiring’, or attachment style, is faster than cognitive
thought.
• Most people don’t know what they are doing or why – most
people are on ‘autopilot’.
• Memory retrieval under stress is not always reliable.
• Self-narrative needs reflection and testing.
• People are usually doing the best they can.
• All relationship failures begin with a dysregulated CNS – not
necessarially the ‘fault’ of one or the other.
7 of
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

9. Repair TERMS
•Anxious = Pursuer = Wave = an Insecure, 1–Person System
•Avoidant = Withdrawer = Island = an Insecure, 1-Person System
•Attunement = to Attune = to Synchronize 2-Person CNS
•Buttons = Dragons = Emotional Sore Spots
•Autopilot = Wiring = Imprinting
•Autonomy = Self-made wo/man= Have No Need of Others = Living
Independent of God’s Lead
8 of
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

10. What BROKE?
Parable of LONG SPOONS
A parable to 2 relational worlds
9 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

11. What’s not BROKE?
Perichoresis
Perichoresis is a theological
expression that describes an
aspect of the Trinity. It describes
the Trinity as a form of dance,
combining harmony,
individualism and yet perfect
consideration for each other.
10 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

12. Is this US?What needs REPAIR?
11 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

13. The FALL into SELF-PRESERVATION
12 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

14. The FALL into ALONENESS
13 of
We Fell from a ‘WE’ to an ‘I'
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

15. The FALL into ALONENESS
14 of
A Picture: BIRTH – We begin life as a ‘WE’ and develop into an ‘I’
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

16. BRAKE #1Our Attachment to GOD
15 of
Attachment to God
SELF over God
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

17. BRAKE #2Our Attachment to EACH OTHER
16 of
Attachment to Others
SELF Over Others
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

18. BRAKE #3Our Inner Integration
17 of
Attachment Within
A Divided SELF
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

19. The #1 Marital FIX!How to REPAIR Broken Attachment with GOD
18 of
There is only ONE that is Right
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

20. Can’t REPAIR without GOD!
19 of
2 ?
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60
Pursuer > - < Pursuer
< - Withdrawer Withdrawer - >
How to REPAIR Broken Covenant Relationship

21. Can’t REPAIR without GOD!
20 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

22. The #2 Marital FIX!REPAIR Our Attachment with Others
21 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60
Long Spoons

23. The #3 Marital FIX!How to REPAIR Our Inner Division
22 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60
Spiritual Practices

24. REPAIR Cycle & Long Spoons!
23 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60
REPAIRING Our Attachment with Others

25. SECURE Couples
24 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

26. SECURE Couples
25 of
• Mindful of all 3 Covenant Partners: God (Trinity), Husband & Wife
• Intentional about Protecting the Covenant
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
• Relate from a heart posture of longing for, and not fear of : faith-based, not fear-
based
• Are each other’s Go-To person : show delight in one another, have a smile
waiting
• Protect one another in public and in private
• Each is an ‘Expert’ on the other : able to co-regulate their partners with expertise
• Repair injuries & misattunements Quickly
• Amplify positives, Foreshorten negatives
• Fidelity : Proper Management of Thirds
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

27. SECURE Couples
26 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
SAFE HAVEN Agreements
I am here for you! Availability
You can trust me to have your back. Reliability
I will respond to your bids for connection or repair. Responsibility
I am your go-to for fun, play, security & comfort. Provider
I am a follower, not a fan. Becoming
60

28. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
27 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

29. The DIVIDED Self!
28 of
Prefrontal Lobe
Limbic Brain
Brain Stem
Neo-Cortex
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60
Amygdala
Below Thinking Brain

30. The DIVIDED Self!
29 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60
Mind
Before the Fall
Mind
After the Fall
Right
Pursuer
Left
Withdrawer

31. The DIVIDED Self!
30 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

32. Two CNS System!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
31 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

33. Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
32 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60
REPAIR Cycle & Tuning Forks!

34. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
33 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

35. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
34 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

36. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
35 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
• Turn Toward
• Face-to-Face
• Eye-to-Eye
• Ear-to-Ear
• Skin-to-Skin, Touch
• Tense/Relax, Pendulation
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

37. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
36 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
• Turn Toward
• Face-to-Face
• Eye-to-Eye
• Ear-to-Ear
• Skin-to-Skin, Touch
• Tense/Relax, Pendulation
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

38. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
37 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
• Tense/Relax, Pendulation
Up-Regulate
Down-Regulate
Withdrawer
Pursuer
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

39. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
38 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

40. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
39 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Turning TOWARD : Close Proximity of the Near Senses
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

41. Attune CNS Systems!Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!
40 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

42. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
41 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

43. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
42 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
59

44. Two CNS System!
43 of
• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
a ‘We’ not an ‘I’
Pursuer
Withdrawer
Withdrawer
Pursuer
Regulates
Regulates
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

45. Pursuer Skills
44 of
Pursuer Withdrawer
Regulates
• Give Withdrawer SAFE HAVEN affirmations, “I appreciate your leadership /
commitment to our family, I value all that you do for us “ …
• Give Withdrawer at least 20 minute RESPITE if they are FLOODED
• Do not physically, psychologically or spiritually CORNER the Withdrawer,
• Give physical, psychological and spiritual SPACE
• Ask, “Is this a good time?” and if not, give SPACE
• Allow Withdrawer to SET the PACE,
• Ask, “do we need to pick this conversations up later?”
• Withdrawer is pained by messages of Inadequacy , Blame & Rejection,
• ALWAYS give Withdrawer GRACE + TRUTH, in that order.
• Affirm their worth, your goodwill toward them, then negotiate change
• THEN TURN TOWARD – eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose …
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

46. Withdrawer Skills
45 of
• Give Pursuer SAFE HAVEN affirmations, “I am not going anywhere, I am here for you”
…
• Give Pursuer Close Proximity after any 20 minute RESPITE from Flooding
• Do not physically, psychologically or spiritually STONEWALL
• Use technology, such as texting for quick messages that suggest, “I’m thinking
about you!”
• Reach Out Often during long periods of separation
• Pursuer is pained by messages or behaviors that look or sound like Abandonment or Being
a Burden
• Say, ‘Loving you is a joy, no burden”, “I will always REACH for you”
• TURN TOWARD as soon as you can – eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose …
Withdrawer Pursuer
Regulates
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

47. Routes to Repair
46 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
SLOW
• Long paragraphs of
speech
(explanations,
reasons, excuses)
• No response (no
utterances, no
gestures, still face)
FAST
• Few, but precise
words (“Ok”, “I’m
sorry”, “You’re
right”)
• Direct, concise
speech (“I really
appreciate what you
did”, “I’m so
grateful that you're
in my life.”
QUICKEST
• Turn Toward
• Softened Facial
Expression
(Empathy)
• Gentle Prosody
(gentle vocal tone)
• Non-threatening and
non-sexual touch)
60

48. A NEW Way
47 of
When you are able to express anger to me and I don’t back away from you, we’ve achieved a WE !
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

49. The REPAIR Cycle!Where are you, Beloved?
48 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

50. Goal: SECURE Functioning
49 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

51. Addressing INSECURE Patterns
50 of
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

52. Deficits
51 of
• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
an ‘I’ not a ‘We’
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

53. Deficits
52 of
• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
an ‘I’ not a ‘We’
Possible Deficits:
• Misses microattempts at connection or repair – Adult Aspergers, ADHD, etc..
• Not able to Quickly Move into Repair - slow motor response, cultural, ETOH, drugs,
organic, medical, emotional distress (grief),pornography, masturbation
• Serious Attachment Injuries
• Alexithymia (common in anorexia, IBS, etc.) - Emotion Hue Blindness: full spectrum,
partial (ie. intense hues) spectrum
• Restricted Emotions in Childhood
• Left-brain Bias
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

54. Deficits
53 of
• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
an ‘I’ not a ‘We’• Serious Attachment Injuries
Proximity
Time
Close
Far
Soon Late
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

55. Deficits
54 of
• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
an ‘I’ not a ‘We’• Serious Attachment Injuries
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

56. Deficits - Childhood
55 of
• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as
an ‘I’ not a ‘We’• Serious Attachment Injuries
Attachment
Signal / Bid
Response
Consequence
Was it caught?
•Secure = Yes!
•Insecure = No!
Response too late? Inconsistent?
Misattuned? Frightening?
•Secure = No!
•Insecure = Yes!
Attacked? Withdrawn from? Rejected? Punished?
•Secure = No!
•Insecure = Yes!
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

57. 56 of
Attachment
Signal / Bid
Response
Consequence
Was it caught?
•Secure = Yes!
•Insecure = No!
Response too late? Inconsistent?
Misattuned? Frightening?
•Secure = No!
•Insecure = Yes!
Attacked? Withdrawn from? Rejected? Punished?
•Secure = No!
•Insecure = Yes!
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60
Deficits - 2015

58. Therapeutic Interventions
57 of
Attachment
Signal / Bid
Response
Consequence
Face Tracing
Lover’s Pose
Left-Cradle
Nonsexual Touch
Let Me Come Near
Love Aura
Secure Couple Attachment
Launching & Landing Rituals
Eye Gazing
Breathing as Two
Monkey Love
Therapeutic Charades
Therapeutic Catch
Staging Bonding Enactments
Coach Withdrawer Engagement
Coach Pursuer Softening
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

59. Spiritual Warfare
58 of
Neurons that Fire Together, Wire Together!
Do you mentally rehearse your Spouse’s flaws?
Do you have a Neural Network of Criticism? Contempt? Hate? of your Spouse?
ReWire! Come off Autopilot!
Philippians 4:8
Therefore, my brethren, those things that are true, those that are honorable,
those that are righteous, those things that are pure, those things that are precious,
those things that are praiseworthy, deeds of glory and of praise, meditate on these things.
Aramaic Bible in Plain English
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

60. WHAT Next?
59 of
Make Appointment at: 972.979.3988
•Safe Haven Packet prior to Intake
•Intake – 2 hour - $200
•Session - $100
•Weekly or EOW
Couple Therapy
Tuesday Nights | 6:30pm – 8:30pm |
Rm. C100
Start on any Tuesday night that we are
meeting.
Childcare: Available from 6 wks old to
grade 5
Re-ENGAGE
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
60

61. Children & Secure Functioning
60 of
Children & Adolescents
Therapist
Malia Nompone, MS, LPC
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
60
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
• Breaking Generational Fear Cycle Patterns
• Assisting Youth with signs of Anxious (Pursuer)
Attachment
• Assisting Youth with Signs of Avoidant
(Withdrawing) Attachment
• Assisting Child Survivors of Abuse

62. THANK YOU
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
Amos 3:3
Remember: Practice makes Progress!
from glory to glory …
Elizabeth Davis, MA, LPC-S
www.EmbraceNewLife.com
972.979.3988