Meeting with the fuhrer

Meeting with the Fuhrer
By: Gabriel E. Camero

FADE IN:
Germany, 1934
FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN (V.O.)
Hashem is mien light und mien
salvation; whom shall I fear?
FADE IN:
INT. The secretarial office of FräuleinVon Wietzen. There
are plain white walls with hard wood floors, two Nazi flags
and a picture of Hitler behind the desk and a row of chairs
along the left side - Morning.
Fräulein Von Wietzen, a beautiful blonde twenty-something
with blue eyes and short curly hair, is dead center behind
the desk, praying standing up with her head down as is
jewish custom.
SUPERIMPOSE: Hitler’s Secretary.
FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN
Hashem is the stronghold of my
life; of whom shall I be afraid?
CUT TO:
EXT. The front of the Reichstag on a sunny day - Morning.

The front steps and door, guarded by two guards, are in
clear view as Hitlers Mercedez pulls up with two nazi flags
on the front of the hood. ANGLE ON: The hood.
When evil-doers came upon me to eat
my flesh (car pulls in) even my
adversaries and foes (sound of door
opening), they stumbled and fell
(door closes).

INT. The office of Fräulein Von Wietzen, - CONTINUOUS
ANGLE ON: German to English Dictionary on the desk.
Though a host should encamp against
me, my heart shall not fear;

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

INT. Reichstag hallway - CONTINUOUS
HITLER walks down the hallway, being greeted by FOUR PAIRS
OF NAZI GUARDS that are evenly spaced down it. Hitler walks
down the hallway until his body fills the frame.

though war should rise up against
me, even then I will be confident.
INT. The office of Fräulein Von Wietzen. - CONTINUOUS

Amen.
Fräulein Von Wietzen smiles and sits down, she reaches over,
grabs the German English Dictionary and opens it.

INSERT: Dictionary page showing the translation of the
German word bumser is the English word fucker.
"Fucker...Fuhre...hm."

Fräulein Von Wietzen smiles.
Hitler is heard outside the doors. FräuleinWietzen quickly
puts her book away. Hitler enters and FräuleinVon Wietzen
comes out from behind the desk, she greets him.

Good morning mein fucker.
HITLER
Did you just call me a fucker
Fräulein Von Wietzen?
What is this word, fucker?
HITLER
It is the English word for bumser,
do I look like a bumser to you?
No mein fucker, I just have a cold
sir.
Fräulein von Wietzen fakes a cough.
HITLER
I know a Dr, you should see him.
(starts to leave) Oh, I have a
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

HITLER (cont’d)
runestone of the swastika for you,
it means everlasting power.

Yes mein fucker, dankschön mein
fucker.
HITLER
Hm...
Hitler walks past Fräulein von Wietzen towards his office.
HITLER
When her Goebels and her Himmler
arrive for their meeting show them
right in.
Yes sir. (DOOR CLOSES OS)You may
not look like a bumser sir but you
do, as the English would say, look
like a man who likes to take it up
the bum sir.
INT. Hitler’s office - CONTINUOUS

Hitler is watching the backs of soldiers training out his
window, he smiles and strokes his chest.
HITLER
Hm.

INT. Fräulein von Wietzen’s office. - CONTINUOUS
Fucker.

Fräulein von Wietzen throws the runestone in the trash.
GOEBELS can be heard OS and enters flamboyantly holding a
box of chocolates and a record.
Guten morgen her Goebels, the
fucker is expecting you in his
office.
GOEBELS
Did you just say... danka scheone.

Goebels walks into Hitler’s office.
INT. Hitler’s office. There is an oak desk with two leather
chairs in front of it. Behind the desk is a bookshelf and in

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

the corner there is a crib. In the corner opposite the crib
near the door is a record player. - CONTINUOUS
Goebels enters the office as Hitler is holding an elaborate
knife over a BABY, wearing a black robe.

GOEBELS
Heil...Hitler?
HITLER
Heil me. (Hitler cracks up.)

GOEBELS
Mein fuher, what in the world are
you doing?
HITLER
Just a small ritual, sacraficing
human blood brings strength and
power. And what better a sacrafice
at the dawn of our new empire than
a baby?

GOEBELS
Oh... do you realize that your
secretary is refferring to you as
"the fucker."
Hitler puts the baby on his desk, the knife in his drawer
and uses his robe as a blanket.
HITLER
She has a cold. Are those
chocolates and record for me or
someone else?
GOEBELS
For you of course mien fuher.
Bavarian chocolates (Goebels sets
the chocolates on the desk)and
Wagner’s Tristan und Isolde, only
the best for you.
HITLER
Ah, I love Tristan und Isolde,
please put the record on.

Hitler opens the box of chocolates and savors a piece, the
baby reaches for one and Hitler gently reprimands it and
moves the chocolates away from it. The music starts and
Goebels sits down.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

HITLER
We made it Goebels.
GOEBELS
Not without difficulty.

HITLER
Exactly, that’s why today we need
to establish a campaign to focus
people on the will of making a
better, stronger country, and not
so much on the whole extermination
thing. We also need to discuss how
we will maintain our power while we
kill thousands for the betterment
of our race, that’s where Himmler
comes in.

GOEBELS
Her Himmler is coming?
HITLER
Yes, he has a mind for these things
in the natural and the supernatural
world.
GOEBELS
Supernatural, like the occult? Does
this mean I should get used to
seeing you with dead babies?
HITLER
Well, I’m not going to be making
sacrafices all the time, just on
the anniversary of my office.

GOEBELS
Of course, that would be too much
of a good thing.

HITLER
And finding babies to sacrafice
gets so hard and frustrating. I
think as my years go on I’ll
sacrafice older and older subjects.

GOEBELS
Why let only one age group get all
the honor and privelige? Share the
wealth.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

HITLER
Do I hear sarcasm in your voice?
HIMMLER (OS)
How dare you show such insolence
referring to the mighty fuher by
such a foul word in such a base and
disgusting language as English. He
is a God! And what are you but a
lowly secretary.

GOEBELS
Sounds like your Rotweiller is
here.
HITLER
Don’t be jealous Goebels.

Himmler enters wearing his SS uniform. He is carrying a
plant and a briefcase.
HIMMLER
Heil Hitler!

HITLER
What just happened out there?
HIMMLER
I believe your secretary is either
a Jew or of the resistance. Either
way she can’t be trusted and must
be terminated.
HITLER AND GOEBELS
She has a cold.
HITLER
And she doesn’t need to be
terminated but must rest, not you
yelling at her like that.

GOEBELS
Nice plant.
HIMMLER
I apologize mien messiah, I guess
I’m just a short person.
GOEBELS
(Mumbling) No shit.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

HITLER
Goebels!
HIMMLER
What did he say?

Hitler stands to take the plant.
HITLER
Never mind. Danka Schone for the
plant, (places plant on shelf
behind him) I’ll make sure it grows
as strong as you. Now, let’s get
down to business. Himmler, I need
you to help us maintain our power
so we can return to the Aryan race
of man.

HIMMLER
Well it’s interesting that you
bring that up because I’ve found a
way to reach our goal faster. As
both of you know, the land we now
stand on was once ruled by the
great Norse poeple, so there must
be some ancient funeral grounds
with the souls of warriors left
behind. Some of Germany’s greatest
cemetaries stand on those ruins. I
propose that we publicly release a
list of these cemetaries so that
people may procreate in them and
the souls of Norse warriors may
inhabit their conceived baby’s
soul.
HITLER AND GOEBELS
Oh my God.
Goebels laughs.

HITLER
That’s brilliant.
Himmler sits down.

GOEBELS
How did you come up with this?
HIMMLER
Through deep meditation.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

GOEBELS
So you came up with this by
yourself?
HIMMLER
With the help of my spiritual
guide, yes.
GOEBELS
And I suppose you have a spiritual
guide mien fuher?

HITLER
I am the messiah so I don’t need
one, I am my own.
GOEBELS
Well, I guess I found a way to
distract the people.
HITLER
Yes?

GOEBELS
Yes, highlight the fact that
they’re being run by occult
obsessed lunatics.
Hitler stands up.

HITLER
Her Goebels! You have crossed a few
too many lines today and are
quickly losing points with me.

Goebels stands.
GOEBELS
I am the Minister of Propaganda! I
come in here and find the fuher
ready to sacrafice a baby like he
was slicing a cake, and I could
kind of deal with that, it’s a
little challenging but I could
cover that up. But I can’t hide it
if you publicly, publicly, inform
people that your attack dog advises
they have sex in cemetaries so
ancient ghosts will enter their
future baby. Please, you can’t do
this to me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

HITLER
Well, I guess I hoped that you had
a more open mind than that Goebels,
but if that’s the way you feel
about it I guess we’ll just have to
call in someone else. (Hitler sits
down) That is, unless you can come
up with a campaign to help the
master plan.
Goebels pauses.

GOEBELS
Fine, I’ll resign from my office,
but I’m taking this (grabs the baby
and checks the gender) boy with me
and he will grow to be a strong
man. Hold on. (puts baby down) Mien
fuhrer, pick the baby up and look
like your posing for a picture.
That’s it. you look like a militant
but gentle father. You look like
someone whoe could raise a soldier,
give me a boy and I’ll make him a
man. We’ll make our soldiers look
so good that people will want to be
them and eve be willingt to sign
their sons up early. Competition
would be so great between young
couples that people may even start
going to cemetaries just to better
their chances.
Hitler laughs.

HITLER
Welcome back.
HIMMLER
Shall we contact Madame Plavatsky
to celebate?
HITLER
Great idea.
GOEBELS
Isn’t she dead?
HITLER
Yes, but there is a ritual that
allows people to communicate with
the dead through meditation.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

Hitler goes and turns off the record. Himmler is looking
through his briefcase.
HIMMLER
I have my robe with me.

GOEBELS
Well mine’s at home so I’ll leave
you guys alone.
HITLER
Oh, don’t worry, I have extras. Let
me just ask my secretary for some
tea, these rituals always make me a
little dehydrated. (Picks up phone)
Fraulien Von Wietzen could you
bring us some tea? Oh, and get this
baby out of here.
GOEBELS
(To Himmler)You’re enjoying
this aren’t you.

Himmler smiles.
HITLER
The baby I brought in earlier this
week... Stop asking so many
questions.

Hitler hangs up the phone.
HIMMLER
I forgot my knife.

HITLER
I have extras of those too.
Hitler pulls from his desk drawer three ornamental knives
and gives one to Himmler and Goebels. Hitler and Himmler
start opening their shirts wide, exposing their chests,
Goebels follows suit.
GOEBELS
What exactly are we doing?

Hitler hands Goebels the robe that he used as a blanket for
the baby. He holds the baby in his left hand and the knife
in the right.
HITLER
We are going to chant an acient
incantation while holding these
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

HITLER (cont’d)
knives over our hearts. As we are
chanting we are slowly going to
push the knives in unitl we draw
some blood. A few moments after
this Madame Plavatsky should pop
inot our heads and thus we’ll be
able to communicate with her.

GOEBELS
Ok. Sounds good.
The men put their robes on, stand in a circle with Goebels
inbetween Hitler and Himmler, and hold their knives to their
chests.

GOEBELS
My robe smells like piss.
Enter Fräulein Von Wietzen.

Fucker, what are you doing with a
baby. Wait, what are you doing now?
HITLER
Something vital to the rise of the
Aryan man.
Goebels mouths help me.
Ok.
Fräulein Von Wietzen walks over and picks up the baby. She
stops at Goebels, sniffs and looks at him strangely. Exit
FräuleinVon Wietzen and baby.

HITLER AND HIMMLER
Oh ancient spirits, fill us with
your wisdom.
INT. The office of Fräulein Von Wietzen. - CONTINUOUS

Fräulein Von Wietzen puts laxatives in the tea.
Enter Fräulein Von Wietzen.

Your tea mien fucker. Her Goebels,
your wife has called, she is ill
and requesting your presence.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

GOEBELS
Well gentlemen, I would love to
stay, but as the lady said my wife
needs me. Keep up the good work and
good luck.

Exit FräuleinVon Wietzen and Goebels.
HIMMLER
The ritual is best with three.

HITLER
We’ll just have to try again later.
HIMMLER
Where did you find the baby?

FräuleinVon Wietzen pokes her head in.
Sorry to interrupt, but there is
apparantly an issue at SS
headquaters.

FräuleinVon Wietzen takes her head out.
HIMMLER
I guess I must leave you mien
messiah.

Himmler takes off the robe and starts buttoning his shirt.
HITLER
Here, take the tea with you.

Hitler slides the tea closer to Himmler.
HIMMLER
Danka schoene.
Hitler moves in closer to Himmler.

HITLER
You know, you should come visit me
at the Berghof this weekend, the
family is going to visit my wife’s
parents and I’ll be all alone.
HIMMLER
There is nothing I would love more.
Farewell, for now.

Exit Himmler

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

INT. The office of FräuleinVon Wietzen, - CONTINUOUS
Himmler walks past the desk and takes a sip of the tea.
HIMMLER
Great tea.

FRÄULEINVON WIETZEN
Danka schoene.
FräuleinVon Wietzen smiles sinisterly.

Hitler sits down, takes a sip of his tea.
HITLER
Mmm
Hitler takes another sip. On the third sip sounds of
defecation come from Hitler as he shits himself.
FADE OUT.

Meeting with the fuhrer

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