An insight into growing up with an alcoholic mother.

1. Did you know…
Growing up with an alcoholic mother was not the highlight of my childhood. I
was actually quite embarrassed by the whole situation so I never revealed it to
even my closest friends. I was afraid of being looked down upon. I knew it wasn’t
my fault but I have a big complex about being judged (even to this day). When
you are cursed at, told how worthless you are, and occasionally hit by a random
object thrown at you from someone who is supposed to love you it doesn’t give
you the best self-esteem in the world. I know you loved me but your alcoholism
just pushed me away.
Did you know my favorite time with you was in the mornings before school? This
was the time that you shined in my eyes because I knew by the time I got out of
school you would be drunk (although occasionally you were still drunk from the
night before). You were so funny and smart. I wish I had your charisma and
humor. I always loved that about you. You could talk to anyone (being plowed
most of the time may have helped you with that though). Your personality was
contagious. It’s too bad that you squashed my self-worth in the process of
fueling your addiction. To this day I have self-esteem and trust issues.
I know you had a disease. You tried so many times to stop but over the years I
learned to not believe anything until I actually see it. After a while I hated when
you would try to stop drinking. You would try different rehabs and be okay for a
bit. Soon enough though you would be making up for lost time and be 10 times
worse than before. Did you know those were not very fun times for me?
Most of the time I would talk back to you because you were drunk and in my
eyes I didn’t have to listen to you. Why should I listen to someone that can barely
even walk straight? You weren’t very nice to me when you were drunk and maybe
I took advantage but I didn’t feel you deserved be treated nice if you couldn’t be
nice yourself. Tit for tat. Most of the time we fought about your drunkenness. I
hated when you were drunk and you were drunk ALL of the time. Did you know
sometimes I took sleeping pills just so I didn’t have to listen to you? Sleeping was
one of my favorite hobbies. It was so much more peaceful than reality.

2. Sometimes I would hide your alcohol or water it down just to try to slow you
down a bit. I give you credit though. You were very determined. I remember if
you didn’t have alcohol money you would hunt for change or pawn things. If the
car needed gas and you had 10 bucks you would spend 2 dollars on gas and the
rest would go toward some kind of alcohol. Did you know I was always scared to
drive with you? You must of been a pro drunk driver though because that’s how
you drove (drunk).
Did you know sometimes you being drunk had it’s perks? I could get away with a
lot more because I knew you wouldn’t remember anything the next day. You
were more lenient with things than other mothers would be. I could just ask to
stay home from school and you would let me. You know I was a good student
and graduated with over a 3.0 but since I dealt with so much home stress
sometimes I didn’t want to go to school. It may sound odd. You wanted to stay
home with the drunk? No. I just wanted to be with you before you morphed into
my enemy.
Did you know I moved out of the house when I was 18 just to get away from you?
I didn’t even tell you I was leaving. You know I still visited and called you but lord
knows I never wanted to live with you again. I had about all I could take in those
18 years. Did you know your alcoholism did catch up with you eventually?
When I was pregnant with my first son (I was almost 23) you started to show
signs of liver cirrhosis. You got pretty sick. Your liver was barely functioning and
the toxins would go to your brain. At times you didn’t even know who I was or
anything about me really. It was sort of an alternate universe. Did you know you
had a time you were retaining so much water you looked more pregnant than I
was? Eventually all the medications you were taking (a pharmacies worth) got you
out of the fog and you were able to think more clearly again. In fact you were
thinking SO clearly that you had one thing on your mind, your friend mister
alcohol. You’d been chums for years. I knew you could never forget him.
Whether it was the alcohol or the billion medications you were taking three years
ago you accidentally overdosed. You didn’t even last 3 years after being
diagnosed with liver cirrhosis. We think sometime during an alcohol bender you
forgot to take your medications which caused your brain toxins to return making

3. you lose your memory. You forgotten you’d already taken your medications at
some point and kept taking them. Did you know you passed away at 50 years old
- 3 months before I became pregnant with your second grandson? You could
have lived so much longer if that burden (alcoholism) hadn’t been placed upon
you. You could have babysat your grandchildren and we could have been closer.
I wish this disease never took hold of you. Did you know you were so amazing
when that demon wasn’t inside of you? As a child I swore I would never be like
you (in terms of drinking). I know alcoholism can be hereditary but if it is in me
that’s something else you squashed (thankfully). Your actions cause me to do the
exact opposite of yours. I could have easily been lead down the same road as
you. When I was a teenager you would offer me drinks and such (What were you
thinking!?) but I refused. I had seen its damage and wanted to stay clear. These
days I rarely drink and my husband hates alcohol (maybe one of the
subconscious reasons I chose him).
Did you know despite everything I do miss you? I miss your spunk. Your good
side. Your amazing smile. You used to say you’d haunt me when you passed,
playing tricks on me. I could so see you doing that. Maybe you are and maybe
you aren’t but wherever you are I hope you have been released from the evil hold
of alcohol and are just free.
–Love you mom. Happy (early) Mother’s Day.
Written by Krystle with http://www.homejobsbymom.com