We are only as sick as our secrets! An oft-used recovery phrase; but what does it actually mean? Any sort of trauma or abuse experienced in childhood can lead to us keeping secrets. We believe that what happened to us was our fault and we keep it hidden away.

1. We Repeat What
We Don’t Repair
From addictive secrecy to a liberated self
Presented by Mark Drax
Addiction Recovery Coach
2019

2. ‘Controlling or Coercive behaviour
in an intimate relationship’ became
a crime in England in 2015
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3. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’
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The story of Sally Challen

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5. born 4th August, 1967
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6. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’
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7. Discovered truth of
early beatings in
November 2017
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9. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’
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10. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’
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Video on YouTube called-
‘Toddlers regulate their behavior to avoid making adults angry’

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Rage

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Anger was my
first addiction

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“Addictions are the strongest
frightened parts of your
personality. The greater the
desire of your soul to heal
your addiction, the greater
will be the cost of keeping it”
- Gary Zukav

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17. FEELINGS?
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Loneliness…

19. Why do we start to do
the things we do?
Adaptive Strategies…
Mine were
Anger, Secrets and Lies!
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Open resistance; bold disobedience

23. West Downs School,
Winchester
1975 - 79
The ‘easy target’ to explain the source of my problems
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25. Bradfield College, 1980 - 85
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26. I morphed from Victim to Persecutor!
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27. “You won't remember me at all; but I remembered
you the other day (from my time at Bradfield) after a
conversation concerning another Drax on Facebook.
I recall you as being furiously angry
with the world and - if I'm honest, Mark -
perfectly happy to pass that anger around.
Well, after reading your website, I now know why!”
A voice from the past…
iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’
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28. Supressed Anger & Rage:
can manifest as-
Blame, Resentment,
Humiliation, Gaslighting,
Passive Aggression,
Controlling Behaviours, Manipulation,
Cheating/Lying, Explosive Temper,
and ultimately, Physical Violence
iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’
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29. First Treatment Centre, July & Aug 2004
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31. Addiction is a ‘Symptom’
of a problem;
it is not ‘The Problem’.
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32. “We need to stop just pulling
people out of the river.
We need to go upstream and
find out why they’re falling in.”
-Desmond Tutu
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34. Johann Hari talks
about the opposite
of addiction not
being sobriety, but
‘human connection’.
But connection WHEN,
HOW and to WHOM?
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37. ‘A man cannot give you what
he does not have to give’.
But nor can a woman.
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38. First thing out of a father’s
mouth when he called me…
“I don’t know how to take it
from here because it is our
son’s issues, not ours!”
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41. Shame
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42. I’m not…
Good Enough
Smart Enough
Pretty Enough
…..Enough!!
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43. Over 40 years mistaking
‘intensity’ for ‘intimacy’
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Sometimes we are just the
collateral damage in someone
else’s war against themselves

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- Jam Alker on ‘btr.org’

46. Narcissistic
Wounding
Narcissistic
Supply
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47. Behaviours become Patterns;
Patterns can become Problems;
Problems breed Addictions!
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48. Where we place our thoughts is
where we place our energy!
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49. “The same thoughts will always lead to the same
choices…
the same choices will always create the same
behaviours…
the same behaviours will produce the same
experiences…
the same experiences will create the same
emotions…
those same familiar feelings and emotions will drive
those exact same thoughts!!”
iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’
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- Dr Joe Dispenza

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51. Persecutor Rescuer
Victim
Challenger Coach
Creator
Shame
Empathy
Self Esteem
Restored
Self Esteem
Restored
Self Esteem
Restored Self Esteem
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“Compassion is the courage
to descend into the reality
of human experience”
- Prof Paul Gilbert

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Curiosity

57. Empowerment
“Never try to compel others to change; leave
them free to change naturally and orderly
because they want to; and they will want to
when they find that your change was worth
while. To inspire in others a desire to change
for the better is truly noble.”
Christian D Larson (1874-1954) Mastery of Self
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59. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’
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Did my parents do a good
job? Possibly not.
But did they do their best?
Absolutely.

60. Discernment Vs Blame
One is critical; the other is harmful
iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’
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61. From this… …to this?
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62. In Summary-
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Anonymous Quote

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64. We will keep repeating
what we choose to ignore
and don’t stop to repair
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Audience was invited to close their
eyes and in their minds and hearts,
to look into the eyes of their ‘inner
children’ whilst listening to the Rod
Stewart song, ‘For the first time’.

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I closed the presentation by reading
a poem I wrote whilst in treatment
at ‘Onsite’ last year.

69. Mark Drax
mark@markdrax.com
+44 (0)7768 748 172
www.mymentor.uk.com