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Divorce Therapy
1. Divorce Therapy: Helping Families Separate and Reorganize
Greater Washington Society for Clinical Social Work
Jonah Green, MSW
February 20, 2009
Topics:
The Why and What of Divorce Therapy
How Divorce Therapy Happens
A Brief History of Divorce and Divorce Therapy
The Impact of Divorce
Impasses of Divorce
Principles for Practicing Divorce Therapy
Stage I: Managing Pre-Separation Crises
Stage II: Facilitating Uncoupling, Part I
Facilitating Uncoupling, Part II: A Quick Legal Primer
Stage III: Building a new organization: the sibling relationship
Stage IV: Building a new organization Towards Co-Parenting
Stage V: Strengthening Individual Households
Special Problems: Arresting Disengagement by Parents
Special Problems: Combating Parental Alienation
Special Problems: Addressing the Abuse Issue
One-Person Divorce Therapy: Work with Individual Adults
One-Person Divorce Therapy: Work with Individual Children
Towards the Future
1
2. The Why and What of Divorce
Therapy ___________________
-Why: How the separation and divorce ___________________
occurs tends to set the stage for
future family functioning
___________________
-Families have several tasks: dealing ___________________
with grief, reorganization, finding ___________________
new ways of communicating,
making new goals with new ___________________
relationships. Without help, there ___________________
are typical impasses.
-What: Treatment which aims to move
___________________
the family through a process which ___________________
recovers, restores and reconfigures
family relationships and the
___________________
functions of parent, child, sibling ___________________
-You are helping families reorganize
into a functional “two-home family”.
___________________
Some peoples’ ways of relating,
levels of intimacy, degree of power, 2
and roles may change.
3. How Divorce Therapy Happens ___________________
-The “Cleanest Way” is when a
couple comes after trying
___________________
couples therapy asking how to ___________________
divorce in a way that works for ___________________
everybody
___________________
-The “Second Cleanest” is when
couple comes to you asking you ___________________
to focus on the child during the ___________________
divorce ___________________
-Can also come out of child/family ___________________
or couples work if family starts
to separate ___________________
-Sometimes you can help reorient a ___________________
family that is already separating ___________________
-You can also utilize the principles
of divorce therapy when working 3
with an individual adult
4. A Brief History of Divorce and Divorce
Therapy ________________________
-Changes which led to more divorce in ________________________
the 1960s: economic mobility, the ________________________
sexual revolution, more women in
workforce, rise of no-fault divorce ________________________
laws ________________________
-Custody over last 30 years gradually ________________________
linked to qualifications, linking of
custody, child support, rise of high- ________________________
conflict divorce ________________________
Rise of mediation, interest in “the Good ________________________
Divorce”, Montalvo’s structural
approach
________________________
-Dozier’s “two-home family” approach ________________________
________________________
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5. The Impact of Divorce
_______________________________
-The Family Experience (Trafford): even in _______________________________
the best divorces, the effect is usually _______________________________
“crisis, crazy time, and recovery”. _______________________________
Reaction to crisis can be numbing as _______________________________
opposed to acting out _______________________________
-The Individual Adult Experience: can be _______________________________
_______________________________
conceptualized as a mourning process _______________________________
(Kubler-Ross), but usually one in which _______________________________
people cycle through extreme emotions _______________________________
(Love, anger, sadness). Can be at risk _______________________________
for depression, substance abuse, _______________________________
regression/acting out. Different for leaver _____________________________
vs. left
-Children’s well-being is tied to how adults
communicate and function, relationship
with each parent, individual resources.
Normal adjustment takes up to a year.
Adolescents are at risk for depression,
conduct and drug problems
5
6. -Impasses of Divorce: _________________________
_______________________
-Intrapsychic: stuck in hurt, _______________________
fear, anger, shame, _______________________
-Interactional: cross- _______________________
generational alliances, extreme
enmeshment, dramatic, hurtful _______________________
showdowns, _______________________
-External/Social: Focus on _______________________
“justice” by family, lawyers, _______________________
broader society _______________________
_______________________
-Divorce therapy is about helping _______________________
individuals and families to
contain the chaos, get unstuck _______
on focus on the needs of the
whole family system
6
7. Principles for Practicing Divorce Therapy:
-Keep the Focus on the whole family-- attend to
individuals and families within that context
-Focus on more than one affect and
perspective—especially if one seems too ________________________
prominent
-Make sure the loss is acknowledged and
________________________
addressed
-Assist family members in seeing their
________________________
contributions—point out “feedback loops” ________________________
-Prioritize parental communication—look for a
“business relationship” as an ideal ________________________
-Work for the success of both parents—watch for
the well-being of kids as a “red herring” ________________________
-Strengthen sibling and “new home” sub-
systems—this may involve different roles for ________________________
certain kids
-Limit influence of antagonistic groupings ________________________
-Control potentially hostile encounters—break up
negative interactions
________________________
-Promote equal power among ex-spouses ________________________
-Support functioning—get supports, services, build
skills
-Avoid triangulation—don’t deliver messages
-Keep clear about your role (testimony, etc.)
-Proceed in stages
-Make sure the legal process is as constructive as
possible
-Support gradual use of constructive social 7
supports
8. Stage I: Managing Pre- _________________________________
Separation Crises _________________________________
_________________________________
-Meet with the Spouses: focus _________________________________
_________________________________
on problem-solving, needs of _________________________________
children _________________________________
_________________________________
-Modulate tension and take _________________________________
_________________________________
charge _________________________________
_________________________________
-Meet alone with each spouse _________________________________
to solidify alliances _________________________________
_________________________________
-Help spouses look at _________________________________
_________________________________
context of decision _________________________________
_________________________________
-Bring children in if appropriate _________________________________
_________________________________
-Assess alternatives: re-
committing, staying together
temporarily, marital
vacations, trial separation, 8
etc. Aim for clarity
9. _________________________________
Stage II: Facilitating Uncoupling, Part I
_________________________________
_________________________________
1) -Set up guidelines for disengagement, establish _________________________________
explicit rules _________________________________
Defining the Post-Divorce Relationship— _________________________________
Guidelines for contact, roles
_________________________________
Setting up a practical short-term parenting plan _________________________________
(agree that not to be basis for custody
agreement) _________________________________
-considerations for scheduling: children’s _________________________________
developmental needs, special needs, practical _________________________________
needs. Avoid either too frequent transitions or _________________________________
too little contact with each parent _________________________________
-The approximation rule: the child’s life should _________________________________
approximate as close as possible the life before _________________________________
the separation _________________________________
_________________________________
Telling the Children: Get story straight, minimize _________________________________
blame, tell what need to know, be emotionally _________________________________
available _________________________________
_________________________________
If possible, have “less close” parent move out, as
close as feasible, with rooms for children, with
pictures of other parent in rooms of kids at both
houses
-minimize the drama while moving out
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10. Uncoupling, Part II: Get Partners to take charge of _________________________________
the Legal Process _________________________________
Frame process as finding what works for everybody instead of
“justice”
_________________________________
Aim for expeditious and deliberate, without surprise attacks _________________________________
A Quick Legal Primer: _________________________________
-Contested vs. uncontested divorce _________________________________
-aiming for separation agreement: property and custody _________________________________
-legal (decision-making) vs. physical custody _________________________________
-Parenting plans vs. custody plans _________________________________
High drama:
_________________________________
-restraining orders
-orders to vacate
_________________________________
-contempt of court _________________________________
-motions for injunctive relief (freezing assets) _________________________________
-The 95% rule _________________________________
Custody evaluators, best interest attorneys and _________________________________
parenting coordinators tend to be appointed in high-
conflict divorces _________________________________
Options for Alternative Dispute Resolution _________________________________
Procedures _________________________________
-Mediation—without lawyers, usually cheapest and most _________________________________
constructive, but not appropriate if there is high-conflict or _________________________________
power imbalance
-Collaborative Law—initially more money than mediation,
_________________________________
but may be able to contain difficult divorces
-Arbitration for financial issues
-The “do it yourself” divorce
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Remember that even with litigated divorce it is important to
remind spouses that they are in charge
11. Stage III: Building a New
Organization Part I: ________________________
Strengthening the Sibling ________________________
Relationship ________________________
-Meet with kids as soon as possible ________________________
-Offer education, clarification ________________________
-Encourage balanced, “gray” ________________________
thinking ________________________
-Watch for “choosing up sides” ________________________
-Realize that siblings are both a ________________________
cohesive unit and part of ________________________
different sub-systems— ________________________
encourage adaptability
-Indications for individual work:
extreme conflict between sibs,
or individual disturbances
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12. Stage IV: Building A New Organization _________________________________
Part II: Setting Up Co-parenting _________________________________
Setting up mechanisms of _________________________________
communication, identify what they will _________________________________
communicate about _________________________________
Hold limited sessions if necessary to “put _________________________________
the past behind” _________________________________
_________________________________
Cooperative Parenting for relatively _________________________________
amicable separations: open, frequent _________________________________
communication, maximum consistency _________________________________
Parallel Parenting for higher conflict: _________________________________
communicate around emergencies, _________________________________
deviations from plan _________________________________
Strategies for “Sporadic and Scared _________________________________
Fighters: Controlled, planned encounters _________________________________
Strategies for “Frequent and Direct _________________________________
Fighters”: monologue, highlight _________________________________
consequences of fighting _________________________________
_________________________________
_________________________________
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13. Stage V: Setting Up a New
Organization Part III: _______________________
Strengthening Individual _______________________
Households _______________________
-Supporting the hierarchy: limit _______________________
setting, chores, etc. _______________________
-New rituals _______________________
-Strengthen particular parent- _______________________
child relationships _______________________
-Look for “deputies” to take on _______________________
parenting functions _____________
-Weakening divisive coalitions:
i.e., support kid identifying
with “bad parent”, support
parent in being firm with kids
on “their side.”
13
14. Special Problems: Arresting
Distancing and Disengagement _______________________
Between Parents and Children _______________________
-Re-imposing Nurturance: ally with _______________________
abdicating parent (assure of _______________________
relevance), highlight child’s needs,
use more nurturing parent to
_______________________
support process _______________________
-Re-imposing Discipline: highlight
_______________________
protective, caring aspect of rules to _______________________
abdicating parent; challenge _______________________
child/adolescent’s manipulations _____________
-Utilize the “closer parent” in addition to
abdicating parent for both of these
tasks; challenge undermining: focus
on parental unity
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15. Special Problems: Combating
Parental Alienation _______________________
-80% of parents in high-conflict divorces _______________________
practice some form of alienation
_______________________
-Working with the allied parent: educate
about dangers for child, challenge
_______________________
enmeshment: support in managing _______________________
anxiety/loneliness, tolerate negative _______________________
feelings that come with setting limits _______________________
-Working with the estranged parent: _______________________
help to focus on child’s plight,
encourage non-intrusive “affinity- _______________________
seeking” to start _______________________
-Working with the alienated child and _______________________
siblings: encourage gray thinking, _______________________
individuation from allied parent,
broach range of memories
15
16. Special Problems:
Addressing the Abuse Issue _______________________
(parents and children) _______________________
-Take a considered approach to _______________________
assessment: look at severity, _______________________
context, frequency, intention, _______________________
etc., be aware of
legal/emotional function of false _______________________
allegations _______________________
-Remember that unless there is _______________________
absolute danger, children do _______________________
best with ongoing contact with _____________
parents and families do best
when ex-spouses communicate
-Even with severe abuse, controls
can usually be put in place for
contact
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17. One-Person Divorce
Therapy: _______________________
1) Work with Individual Adults
_______________________
_______________________
-Aim for movement through _______________________
stages and balanced thinking _______________________
-Combat paralyzing fear, _______________________
helplessness, shame, anger _______________________
by focusing on the present _______________________
and future and looking at _______________________
context _______________________
-Help them look at their _______________________
contributions to family _______________________
functioning
-Generally void “uncovering”
feeling work, particularly
during crisis
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18. 2) One Person Divorce Therapy: _________________________
Work with Individual Children _______________________
-Indicated in case of particular _______________________
disturbances, but don’t give up _______________________
on family work _______________________
-Establish and maintain contact with _______________________
both parents—get both _______________________
signatures! _______________________
-Don’t “grill” for facts _______________________
-Support “gray thinking” and respect _______________________
for both parents within context of _______________________
empathy _____________________
-Encourage appropriate assertion of _______________________
needs and practical coping
-Facilitate organized play; expand _______________________
emotional vocabulary _____________________
-Utilize psycho-education and
games, books: My Two Homes,
Dinosaurs Divorce, etc.
-Focus on what they can control 18
19. Conclusion: Consolidating Gains
and Moving Towards the Future _______________________________
_______________________________
_______________________________
-In summary, you are helping the family to _______________________________
establish clarity about the future, _______________________________
mourn their losses, establish stronger _______________________________
(and in some cases, new) sub- _______________________________
systems, help the ex-spouses form a _______________________________
new kind of alliance as co-parents and _______________________________
as co-leaders of a “two-home family” _______________________________
_______________________________
-You want to make sure that parents have _______________________________
mechanisms to adjust _______________________________
communication/parenting plan as _______________________________
circumstances shift: kids grow, _______________________________
partners enter picture _______________________________
_______________________________
_______________________________
-Remember, one or both parents will re- _______________________________
partner within 5 years. Advise parents _______________________________
to find new activities, friends, but _______________________________
move slow and recognize the _______________________________
complexity of the tasks involved. _______________________________
_____________
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20. Bibliography
(clinical in bold)
1) Ahrons, Constance: The Good Divorce
Harper Perrenial: 1994
2) Appell, Jane Divorce Doesn’t Have to Be
This Way Impact Publishers: 2006
3) Dozier, Brenda: Two Home Families: A
Family Systems Approach to Divorce
Therapy iUniverse Inc., 2004
4) Emery, Robert Renegotiating Family
Relationships Guilford Press: 1994
5) Emery, Robert The Truth About Children
and Divorce Viking Penguin: 2004
6) Gaulier, Et. Al. Defusing the High-
Conflict Divorce Impact Publishers:
2007
7) Heatherington, Mavis For Better or for
Worse: Divorce Reconsidered Norton: 2002
8) Isaacs, Et. Al. Therapy of the Difficult
Divorce Book-Mart Press: 2000
9) Margulies, Sam Working with Divorcing
Spouses Guilford Press: 2007
10) Textor, Martin The Divorce and Divorce
Therapy Handbook Jason Aronson:
1989
11) Wallerstein and Blakeslee Second
Chances Houghton Mifflin: 1996
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