This document is a collection of poems and passages from the author reflecting on grieving the loss of his sister Kim. The poems describe the shock and sadness of Kim's sudden death in an accident in Africa and how it left a hole in the author's memories. One passage details the author's traumatic experience seeing Kim's body at the funeral home and noticing the scars and bruises from her injuries. In an attempt to reconnect, the author reads Kim's diaries and is particularly struck by an entry where she describes grieving the suicide of her best friend from high school.

1. When my Sister Passed
away, A gaping hole
appeared in my memories.
The Strong, Neurotic,
Vibrant and Frustrating
Girl I've always known, in
a flash, Had quickly
DisappeareD.
The Shock Created by Her
DEATH blew away, Like sand,
that cherished portrait I've
Held in my mind.
IT was replaced by the cold
image of her burial casket...
FInal and quiet.
copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

2. Would it always
be this way?
I didn't know.
copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

3. in what seemed like An
Endlessly frozen sad
moment, my thoughts were
held captive by her grave.
I was haunted; Not by Kim's
ghost, but by my own grief.
I couldn't move on.
And I needed to.
I Desperately
needed to.
Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

4. but how?
I had no Clue.
All I Can See were
Scenes like this:
Seeing kim for the
first time, after her
body was brought
back from Africa.
Everything about that
experience - The Funeral Home,
The viewing room, Even Kim's
corpse - had a false aura of
antiquated sterility.
Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

5. Kim's cadaver Told us
The horrible story of
her trauma from the
bus accident that
took her life:
the unusually high
sutures from her
autoposy.
It was the first
thing my crying
mother mentioned.
There was some
trouble with
finding a funeral
dress to cover that
scar.
The blanket covered the many
deep bruises and wounds that
her body never had the
opportunity to heal.
All we could really do was just stand
there in numb shock ... dumbfounded.
There was nothing to do, except to
just blankly take in the instructions
from the funeral staff.
"What did they do
to Her? What did
They do?"
Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

6. The months that followed her
funeral did nothing to stem
the overwhelming grief.
I vainly attempted to
recapture the
closeness my sister
and i once shared.
What seemed like the easiest,
most obvious way back to
that lost intimacy, was
kim's numerous diaries.
she obsessively
JouRNALED for most
of her life. I felt
fortunate to have an
opportunity to
communicate with her
in some way.
Although My wife openly
worried that this was an
invasion of Kim's privacy,
I was desperate to
reconnect with my dead
sister, I ignored any
misgivngs, and dove in.
copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

7. Here's One
Passage i keep
coming back to:
When I founD out That My
Best friend from Jr. high
school Had committed
suicide, I did not know
how to let out my grief.
She Was Beautiful,
one of the purest &
Loving women i have
ever known.
her name was frances.
Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez

8. we had lost touch in high
school, but she called me up
while i was running for asb.
She told me was
getting married and
asked if i could be her
maid of honor. I said yes.
she asked if we could talk, but i told
her I was busy with the election and
it wasn't the best time right now.
a few days later, she
called and asked again. I
gave her the same reply.
a week and a half later, I
was at school and a friend
called me out of class.
"kim," he said in one of
those tones that you
knew something bad
happened. "Frances killed
herself yesterday."
"Yeah right," I walked away
laughing, but deep down
inside i knew it was true.
he grabbed my arm and said
"She shot herself in the head."
"They weren't able
to save the baby."
CopyRight 2013 - Ken Perez

9. Later That Night, I
spent the night at my
brother's apartment.
When He went to sleep, I
spontaneously put on an
Enya CD, turned off all
the lights and danced
Passionately.
It could have been for
hours, I was in a zone of
expression, and time
had no relevance there.
i danced and danced
and danced until i had
no more strength and
lay on the floor.
and it was at that moment that
my sorrow could finally come
out. it was like a dam exploded.
I sobbed the rest
of the night til
sunrise.
Copyright 2013 - Ken Perez