Academy Awards 2016 Red Carpet

1. The OSCARS
theaverage,theawfulandthe
appealing,inthatorder.
2016
RED CARPET 2016

2. The Ceremony
There was nothing I really loved this year.
Please enjoy my mostly lukewarm reactions, in
alphabetical order.

3. Patricia
Arquette
Patricia’s bust doesn’t need all this
bunchy fabric weighing it down.

4. Christian Bale &
Sibi Blazic
At the Globes
I suggested Sibi remove
the gold blotches from
her dress and I think
she did and I think
this is it.
Sibi Blazic
Globes

5. Stephanie Bauer
I don’t know who Stephanie Bauer
is. She’s very orange, isn’t she? He
looks like a reverse carrot.
The dress has potential, but it needs
so much tweaking (including an
extra yard of fabric) that it simply
doesn’t make the grade.

6. Jill & Ashley
Biden…
…of the Joe Bidens.
Ashley’s dress looks like creepy
seaweed under a net, but Joe
Biden gave a very stirring speech,
so I’ll overlook it.

7. Cate Blanchett
Cate looks undeniably magnificent,
but I stopped short of really loving
this. It does look like artificial
flowers have been hot-glued onto
her gown as an afterthought, and
one shoulder (her right) was way
bunchier than the other – I
couldn’t work out why. As
someone else said, this dress isn’t
meant to be looked at up close.

8. Emily Blunt
Emily looked lovely. This pink
Prada MIGHT be a little bit
tight in the bust, but she’s
pregnant, so she gets a pass.

9. Georgina
Chapman
I think the ornate gold detailing is
probably too much, but she looks
beautiful anyway. It was such a
relief to see someone wearing
sleeves and a long dress at a time
when everybody in Hollywood
seems to be trying to show as
much flesh as possible.

10. Priyanka
Chopra
Priyanka’s frock definitely WAS
too tight in the bust, and it really
showed on screen. Pity, because she
does look lovely, if a bit bridal.

11. Sunrise Coigney
& Mark Ruffalo
I wish this wasn’t quite so
transparent, or so ruffley
(ruffalowy?) at the back, because
otherwise it could be quite
unique and striking.

12. Lily Cole
Lily’s frock is Vivienne Westwood,
and I don’t hate it. Her shoes are
nice.

13. The Damons
I’d prefer Luciana’s frock without
the sequinned part, but the
colour and fit are flattering.

14. Andra Day
Andra Day, a singer I only know
from an ad for Apple I’ve seen a
couple of times, looked flawless on
the red carpet. She has a retro thing
going on. She looks like Rihanna
but with good taste.

15. Tracey Edmonds
Tracey is a host of something. I only
included her as a warning: this is
what happens when you squeeze a
DD bust into a AA dress.

16. Tina Fey
Tina’s frock is pretty, the necklace
is perfect, and she’s obviously
worked out what colours suit her
(jewel tones), at last. The only
thing that lets this look down is
her hair, which I felt was too
severe.

17. Isla Fisher
This ended up on a few “worst
dressed” lists, which seems utterly
mad, because it’s perfectly fine. The
oversized floral print is a bit blah, but
the fit is flattering, the overall look is
elegant, and it’s far from awful.

18. Lady Gaga
I’m just not a fan of Lady Gaga at the
best of times. Everything in her
wardrobe is more Grammys than
Oscars, and this pants/skirt combo is
no exception. But it could be worse.

19. Jennifer
Garner
Jen’s recent interview with Vanity Fair
suggests she’s winning the divorce.
(Ben got a giant tattoo of a phoenix
rising from the ashes). For that
reason, I do wish she’d gone for
something more fresh and youthful
than this rather generic formal gown.
I’m also really disappointed that
platform shoes are back on the red
carpet in a big way. I thought we’d all
put that trend behind us for a while.

20. Dave Grohl &
Jordyn Blum
Dave Grohl did a really tasteful
acoustic rendition of “Blackbird”
during the “In Memoriam” bit. I
think it was the first time I’ve ever
seen him being serious.
His wife looks cute – offbeat but
tasteful.

21. Zuri Hall
Her chest looks weird.

22. Jennifer
Jason Leigh
This looked pretty, if boring, on
TV. It fit beautifully, and I didn’t
see her yanking it up at any point.

23. Mindy Kaling
A few people said this was the
best Mindy has ever looked on the
red carpet, and I think they were
right. I do think she should have
sized up, but it’s not too obvious
here.

24. Keltie Knight
Keltie is another one of those hosts
you’ve never heard of. She’s
Canadian, and apparently her frock
was inspired by the maple leaf. I have
no comment.

25. Brie Larson
*Sigh*
I want to like this, but I just can’t
summon up any enthusiasm for
it. The colour overwhelms her,
the pleated frills are too fussy, the
belt just doesn’t match, and her
hair is underwhelming.

26. Jennifer
Lawrence
I’m not even convinced that Jennifer
herself liked this one. She needs to
break up with Dior. She’s young and
gorgeous and fun, and her red carpet
choices just don’t reflect that.

27. Rooney Mara
Up close, the fabric is very pretty.
That’s the only good thing I have to
say about this frock. I’m really tired
of the creative ways celebrities are
finding to flaunt usually-hidden
regions like ribcages, side-boobs and
thighs. Rooney just looks like she’s
popped a few buttons.

28. Maria
Menounos
For a second there I thought
“Sandra Bullock looks very nice.”

29. Julianne Moore
While I don’t love the fussy
bedazzled straps over black
brocade, I’m happy to blame Karl
Lagerfeld for that, and
congratulate Julianne Moore for
getting back on track after the
SAG Awards mishap. She herself
looks beautiful, even if the dress is
only okay.

30. Olivia Munn
Olivia’s dress is great, and she
looks good in orange. Her face is
a different story. WHAT HAS
SHE DONE TO HER FACE.

31. Rachel
McAdams
It’s a shame about the creasing,
because I actually thought this
looked pretty stunning on the
night. There was nothing else like
it on the red carpet, and it was
refreshingly sleek and unfussy.

32. Dorith Mous
Dorith is a Dutch artist, and she
looks like one. I have no complaints
about this super-dramatic and totally
unique look. I think she looks pretty
amazing. Somewhere, Tilda Swinton
is thinking “YES.”

33. Pharrell &
Helen Lasichanh
I kind of like these two, they just
wear whatever they like to
everything.
I started watching red carpet
coverage at PopSugar.com, but I
had to stop when they decided
Helen must be “Pharrell’s
daughter.” It would have taken
them three seconds to Google it.

34. The PopSugar team also had a conversation that went
something like this, when a couple of people turned
up on the red carpet wearing sunglasses:
REPORTER #1: We’ve got glasses over here!
REPORTER #2: We’ve got sunglasses!
REPORTER #1: Two pairs of sunglasses!
REPORTER #2: I LOVE sunglasses.
REPORTER #1: Oh me too, I LOVE sunglasses.
REPORTER #2: Not on the red carpet though.
REPORTER #1: Oh, not on the red carpet.
REPORTER #2: I hate sunglasses on the red carpet.
REPORTER #1: Oh, me too.

35. Amy Poehler
Oh dear. Look, I love large-scale
embroidery, and this would
probably be really dramatic on
Karlie Kloss at the Met Gala. But it
totally swamps tiny Amy Poehler,
and the bell sleeves and attached
capelet are just overkill.

36. Charlotte
Rampling
I’m going to put Charlotte in touch
with Helen Mirren, because while she
looks perfectly elegant and comfortable
here, the frock lacked the je ne sais quoi
that comes naturally to Helen.

37. The Redmaynes
I can’t bring myself to criticise the
pregnant and very sweet-looking
Hannah Redmayne, so I won’t point
out that it looks like she’s being
embraced by a gecko.

38. Daisy Ridley
So close. I just wish that frill around
the middle wasn’t there. It’s actually a
top and a skirt, so I think each piece is
supposed to have a matching chiffon
hem, but the one around her waist
seems superfluous. Her shoes are
great, but I did feel that Dasiy joined
Tina Fey and Rooney Mara in the
category of “people whose hairstyles
were too severe.”

39. Charlotte Riley
I love Charlotte Riley, and I
think she looks stunning in
black, and stunning generally.
This gown didn’t do great things
for her bust, but it was more
obvious on TV. I just wanted to
cinch it in ever-so-slightly, like
this.
I’m giving her an A-

40. Margot Robbie
A gold reptile-print may be a bit
too old for Margot, but there’s no
denying she looks amazing in it. I
do think the clutch is too much.
Why black accessories with a gold
dress?

41. Louise Roe
One day I’ll find out who Louise
Roe is, I promise.

42. Saoirse Ronan
She took my advice and went for loose
waves and a deeper colour. This
Calvin Klein is objectively lovely, but
it still left me slightly underwhelmed.
I’m not sure what my problem is.

43. Sarah Silverman
I rarely like anything Sarah Silverman
wears, and this is no exception. The
bodice was so stiff that on stage, she
herself moved but the bodice stayed
perfectly still. She looked like a naked
person trapped in a barrel.

44. Steven Spielberg
& Kate Capshaw
I just don’t even get what’s going
on here, from the choppy fringe to
the weird tux to the pointy white
shoes. That thing you think is a
blouse is actually a halter-neck lace
bib and separate bow tie with a
loose chiffon camisole over the
top. It’s just a jumble of awful.

45. Chrissy Teigen
Chrissy looked stunning. I had to
look up close to make sure this
wasn’t a transparent dress, or just
painted-on or something, but no –
it’s fully-lined, very flattering, and
very tasteful. I think it’s one of my
favourites.

46. Charlize
Theron
Very early in the evening, one
commentator called this as the
best dressed of the night. It
seems like standard red carpet
fare to me.

47. Sophie Turner
The cut of this frock is fine
(although someone did observe that
it was “very 90’s”), but the oyster
shade really washed Sophie out.

48. Sofia Vergara
JUST ONCE I’d like to see
some straps or sleeves on Sofia
Vergara. Not because this style
doesn’t suit her, but JUST
BECAUSE.

49. Alicia
Vikander
I honestly don’t know how I feel
about the balloony mullet hem.
But Alicia looked so pretty and
happy in it that it was impossible
not to like the overall look, even if I
had criticisms of assorted details.

50. Kerry
Washington
I just hate everything about this.
It looked ill-fitting and
uncomfortable on the red carpet,
and on stage she looked like she
was having trouble breathing. The
bodice was crooked, and the
shoulder-straps looked like an
afterthought. I don’t even know
what to say about the hip-straps.

51. Naomi Watts
This looked better on TV, where
you couldn’t focus on the pattern
but got a general impression of
deep blue sparkliness. But either
way she looks stunning.

52. Olivia Wilde
Noooo I hate it, I hate it. So much
illusion netting. So much flesh.
The frock is backless, and I think
it looks quite pretty from the back.
But people need to pick ONE
THING to show off, and not just
try to put ABSOLUTELY
EVERYTHING ON DISPLAY.
THING to show off, and not
just try to put ABSOLUTELY
EVERYTHING ON
DISPLAY.

53. Kate Winslet
I take back everything I said
about Kate tending to choose
boring matte crepes in block
colours. BRING BACK THE
BORING MATTE CREPES!
She looks like a mermaid caught
in an oil slick.
I have to say though, her face
looked great.

54. Reese
Witherspoon
I didn’t love Reese’s dress. There’s
a strapless-bra-style thing under the
bodice which looked black, and
the purple origami stuff projected
out over that, so it looked like she
was wearing a gaping corset over a
visible bra. And in every pic, and
on TV, her face looked dirty. Too
heavy on the bronzer.

55. The After-Parties
Mostly Vanity Fair,
with a little bit of the other one.

56. Amy Adams
Daring, but also with an Old
Hollywood/Rita Hayworth vibe. I
think I like it.

57. Malin
Akerman
As usual, I can’t stand Malin
Akerman or her outfit for
unspecified reasons. Just assume I
don’t like things Malin Akerman
wears until I tell you otherwise.

58. Jessica Alba
The dress looks
COMFORTABLE, which is great.
But Jessica looks slightly
UNCOMFORTABLE, which is
weird. Shoulder-pads? Botox? She
just seems stiff and slightly
hunched and awkward or
something.

59. Lily Aldridge
Eww.

60. Alessandra
Ambrosio
She really looks like an alien.

61. Hailey Baldwin
Do the Baldwin daughters do
anything? Are there indeed two of
them, or do I just keep seeing the
same one all over the internet?

62. Elizabeth
Banks
It’s pants. A turtleneck blouse
with attached cape and wide-
legged pants. I don’t altogether
hate it, but I wish she’d ditched at
least one of these features, because
it’s OTT.

63. Stephanie
Bauer
I love this colour, but not on
whoever this person is.

64. Jessica Beale
Meh.

65. Kate
Beckinsale
The dress is fine, and her hair isn’t
trussed up in the usual bouffant,
so I’m okay with this.

66. Tory Burch
Tory is a designer of very tasteful
and wearable clothes, and she
could have done better.

67. Kate Bosworth
Maybe a little bit too formal for an
after-party, considering she didn’t
attend the ceremony? But it’s fine.

68. Naomi Campbell
She looks immaculate.

69. Georgina
Chapman
Again, this isn’t one of Georgina’s
best looks, but she’s beautiful
enough to carry it off, and it’s so
tasteful compared to almost
everyone else.

70. Priyanka
Chopra
Ribcage-baring aside, I actually
don’t hate this.

71. Helena
Christensen
The bust is not flattering.

72. Emilia Clarke
Emilia pulled her dress out of the
dryer without realising there was a
black sock stuck to it. I hope
somebody tells her.

73. Lily Collins
I like the hair and the makeup
and the CONCEPT of the dress,
but the execution isn’t great. You
can’t really tell, but there is a
LOT of sideboob going on here.

74. Sheryl Crow
I’d love to know who gets invited
to these parties and why, and why
they choose to attend.

75. Lana Del Rey
She looks sleepy.

76. Nina Dobrev
Pretty, but dull? The belt doesn’t
match, and she needs a bolder lip
colour.

77. Minnie Driver
I like this, in theory. I do want to
cinch it in at the bust, and fix her
grandmotherly hair.

78. Tina Fey
Again, lovely. But can’t she let her
hair down now?

79. Melissa George
She’s looked worse, and quite
recently.

80. Selena Gomez
I don’t understand the grommets
down the front.
I feel like every woman under 30
at this event is in costume as a
member of Taylor Swift’s Girl
Squad.

81. Ashley Graham
I don’t know who Ashley is, but I
want to drape a cardigan over her.

82. Ashley Greene
This is perfectly respectable.

83. Anne
Hathaway
How amazing does Annie look?

84. Lydia Hearst
I think I like this. I’m too scared
to take a close-up look in case I
can see a self-adhesive bra under
that lace.

85. Lydia Hearst
Oh, this is nice too!

86. Eve Hewson
Eve is Bono’s daughter. She looks
relaxed and comfortable and
pretty, but this gold frock looks
beige, and therefore bland.

87. Vanessa
Hudgens
This is just very average.

88. Kate Hudson
Nooooo.

89. Martha Hunt
I don’t know who Martha Hunt
is, but I’m guessing: model. She
looks pretty great here.

90. Sarah Hyland
This is fine.

91. Chanel Iman
Eww!

92. Gillian Jacobs
Nice? I don’t know, I’m running
out of ambivalent adjectives. This
is probably really lovely, I’m just
not excited about it. I think it’s
because of the neckline?
Objectively it’s probably one of
the few dresses at this event I’d
consider wearing.

93. Mindy Kaling
Her last dress was so much nicer,
but I suppose it wasn’t practical
for moving around in a crowded
party.

94. Zoe Kazan &
Paul Dano
I don’t love the dress. BUT I DO
LOVE THESE TWO. They don’t
look like anyone else, but they
seem so comfortable in every
social situation.

95. Miranda Kerr
Miranda Kerr appears to be getting
increasingly desperate, which is
ridiculous. She’s as gorgeous as
ever, presumably still in demand as
a model, and she has several
business deals under her belt. She’s
cheapening her own brand with
these trashy dresses.

96. Heidi Klum
Hey! She read the early reviews of
her Oscars dress on Twitter and
changed in time for the party!

97. Diane Kruger
Oh, Diane, what were you thinking.

98. Sarah
Lancaster
The lighting at this even isn’t as
nice as the lighting at the Vanity
Fair party, so everything looks less
expensive. But this is probably
eminently wearable.

99. Brie Larson
I don’t like what’s happening at
the left there – it just looks like
the dress is ripped. But I do like
the Grecian column shape. The
coral velvet and loose wavy hair
make her look so much more
warm and pretty and happy here
than in the cobalt blue frock she
wore earlier.

100. Jennifer
Lawrence
This feels very 90’s to me. I
almost don’t want to see Jennifer
Lawrence for a while. Not because
I don’t like her, but because I
think she needs some time to
chill. She’s starting to look very
severe with the sharp bob and the
platinum hair.

101. Monica
Lewinsky
“Monica Lewinsky’s here?” said
every guest at the Vanity Fair
after-party.

102. Demi Lovato
This would be nice, except
UNDERPANTS. When will this
trend die?

103. Lea Michele
Not only can I see her underwear,
but it looks like she can’t breathe.

104. Michelle
Monaghan
UNDERPANTS.

105. Olivia Munn
What’s happening here? Is that a
flap that opens? This is weird.
And I’m not even talking about
her weird face.

106. Sarah
Murdoch
She’s looked better. In almost
every picture I’ve ever seen of her.

107. Rachel
McAdams
This is nice, no? She’s definitely
going for a more sleek modern look
tonight, but I think it works.
I do wish everybody didn’t opt for
exactly the same shoes.

108. Andie
McDowell
This is similar to Brie Larson’s
ugly SAG Awards frock. Why do
people think a diagonal cleavage
window is an attractive feature?
And what’s going on with her
hair?

109. Paula Patton
RIBCAGE WINDOWS.

110. Aubrey Plaza
This looks like a literal
nightgown.

111. Amanda Peet
I’m starting to think she’s not
even listening to me.

112. Freida Pinto
Oh Freida, no!

113. Emily
Ratajkowski
Imagine if you went back in time
and asked people like Bette Davis,
Audrey Hepburn and Lauren
Bacall to appraise this image.
They would describe it as a
woman in swimwear whose lace
half-slip is in the process of falling
down.

114. Emily
Ratajkowski
She really wants to be in Taylor
Swift’s posse.

115. Nikki Reed
It’s gotten to the point that when
I see a genuinely pretty frock, my
delight is immediately followed by
suspicion. But this one passes
muster. I wish it had been
something other than beige, but
there is nothing at all amiss here.

116. Daisy Ridley
Her Oscars frock was better.

117. Emma Roberts
Spiders? Sea anemones? Furry
pinwheels of death?

118. Holland
Roden
This is fine. A bit joyless, but
chic.

119. Louise Roe
No, Louise Roe.

120. Michelle
Rodriguez
This is surprisingly tasteful.

121. Liberty Ross
Apparently Liberty just got
married, and this is her actual
wedding dress. Why not, I guess.

122. Sara Sampaio
There is nothing wrong with
lining a dress, is there? Why
couldn’t this have been at least
partially lined? People have been
wearing opaque clothing for
millennia.

123. Viktoriya
Sasonkina
Not only can I see her
underwear, but it’s that basic
seamless beige underwear that
really isn’t designed to be seen.

124. Gwen Stefani &
Blake Shelton
Yeah, this relationship is not
going to last.

125. Hailee Steinfeld
A perfectly nice frock which on
closer inspection turns out to be
unlined. Beige underpants are
visible.

126. Mena Suvari
I forgot she existed.
WHY DOES THIS DRESS
NEED A WINDOW??

127. Hilary Swank
She looks nice.

128. Taylor Swift
She and Jennifer Lawrence both
need to take some time out and
lighten up. Eat some donuts, give
the hair straightener a holiday,
start wearing those cute little
sundress/cardigan combos she
used to be seen in all over town.

129. And Lorde should also be there, and also lighten up.

130. Chrissy Teigen
I liked her Oscars dress better, but
apparently there were issues with
exploding beads due to her
advanced case of pregnancy.

131. Ashley Tisdale
Oh dear.

132. Jasmine
Tookes
I don’t know who Jasmine is, but
she seems like a Vanity Fair
calibre guest, largely due to her
bone structure.

133. Kate Upton
The cleavage is distracting, but
maybe that’s the point of Kate
Upton.

134. Sofia Vergara
I’ve just discovered the key to
Sofia’s wardrobe: all her dresses
are THE SAME.

135. Alicia Vikander
COMPLETE change of look for Alicia,
but why not.

136. Dita Von Teese
Maybe the proportions of this
photo are all off, and maybe this
frock is actually really cute. It just
looks like people would have to
give her tent-like skirt a very wide
berth all evening.

137. Kerry
Washington
AAAARGH.

138. Olivia Wilde
Big improvement on the Oscars
frock, but it looks very baggy
up top.

139. Serena
Williams
I usually like pockets in formal
dresses. BUT NOT THIS TIME.
I’m not even convinced that those
sleeves aren’t just attached to her
skirt, like a sort of formal
straitjacket.

140. Rebel Wilson
This is the nicest I’ve ever seen
Rebel look.