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Too often in the business world, we neglect consideration of psychology, emotion, and what is going on in
our heads. We do whatever we can to maintain the pretense that we are emotionless bots, and
“professionals” who aren’t rattled. The problem is, we are not emotionless. We are easily rattled. We waste
a lot of time waging internal battles over who did what or who said what, who is to blame, which problems
might occur, why things went wrong or may go wrong, or imagined slights and drama between us and
others. These battles are incredibly distracting and counterproductive; and even though many of us are
aware that they originate in our own minds, they still seem incredibly real. We may even act on these
thoughts, opinions, impressions, and fears—setting us up for the possibility of making real mistakes based
on imagined situations.
Although we do not wear capes, we all have access to two business superpowers to counter these
destructive tendencies: self-awareness and managing our own inner narrative. In a Harvard Business
, self-awareness is defined as “the skill of being aware of our thoughts, emotions, and valuesarticleReview
from moment to moment.” Self-awareness is one of the core skills is necessary forDaniel Goleman says
emotional intelligence (EI), that seemingly intangible type of intelligence that is so crucial to success in the
modern workplace. Self-regulation, another core skill of emotional intelligence, relates to managing our
internal states, impulses, and resources—what I commonly describe as managing our inner narrative. This
includes keeping disruptive feelings and desires in check, being adaptable and flexible, taking initiative,
and maintaining integrity.
When I tell people that emotional intelligence is one of the core skills that I coach individuals on, sometimes
I sense a slight turn in the conversation, reflecting either a lack of understanding of emotional intelligence
or a disbelief that the components of EI are essential leadership skills. This couldn’t be further from the
truth: Self-awareness and the capability to master our inner narrative form a dynamic duo skillset to reach
and maintain success at the top of any profession.
Don’t believe me? Look at Ben Horowitz, general partner and co-founder of Andreessen Horowitz, a
$2.7 billion under management. In 2011, Ben shared a inventure capital firm with blog post in Techcrunch
which he describes managing his own psychology as the “most personal and important battle that any
CEO will face.” Being a CEO or a leader in any environment is difficult. Success is elusive for many
leaders, particularly in the C-suite, and often nobody bothers to let you know what you are up against. As a
result, you end up grading yourself quite poorly by comparison.
It’s lonely at the top, and leaders may not have a lot of people to confide in. In this type of challenging
environment, you may either take things too personally (and overcorrect) or not take them personally
enough (rationalizing and failing to fix things until it is too late). Both mistakes originate from a lack of
self-awareness. They are a function of what we tell ourselves about what is happening around us. They
both have the potential for horribly negative consequences, including personal health crises,
micromanaging teams into oblivion, wholesale loss of talented team members, and, quite possibly, the
eventual dissolution of an entire company.
While the consequences are especially dire for leaders in the C-suite, you don’t have to be at the top to be
negatively affected by poor self-awareness and an out-of-control inner narrative. The truth is that a leader
on any level has great capacity for destruction if they are not aware, attuned to, and capable of managing
an internal narrative run amok. This is fueled by the now-accepted adage that people don’t leave bad jobs,
.they leave bad managers
What to Do About It

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Annemarie Spadafore
Don’t Ruminate; Get Outside of Your Head!
You may keep running the problem scenario through your head over and over again. Someone’s
doomsday predictions may seem imminent. They might even be yours! Or you may convince yourself that
everything is fine, that you have no improvements to make. The truth is likely somewhere in the middle. The
thing is, you aren’t going to discover this truth inside your own head. You are not omniscient; therefore, you
are missing at least some of the crucial information about the situation. Accept this. As much as possible,
try to obtain an accurate picture of what you are dealing with. Don’t underestimate the crucial power of
neutral outsiders (particularly coaches!). Use these resources to gain some useful perspective on your
situation and get outside of your own head, because you aren’t going to find the solution or make an
accurate prediction of the future while you are stuck in there!
Reach Out to Mentors
While you may not always be able to find others who have been through your exact situation, it is essential
that you reach out to mentors who may be helpful. Try to find people who have gone through the same or
similar challenges. Find someone willing to share their mistakes and challenges; you will gain quite a lot of
perspective (and put yourself on a great path toward internal mastery) by understanding that you are not
alone in facing difficulties.
Write Things Down
I’m constantly telling clients to write things down, and not just because I’m convinced of the amazing
catharsis resulting from putting your thoughts—even your unproductive ones—down on paper. The fact is
that writing things down enables you to gain clarity over your own thinking. Organizing your thoughts on
paper enables you to see patterns and gain some awareness and mastery over your thoughts and
behaviors. Writing things down may even reveal a previously unseen solution to your problem or illuminate
a way forward that you hadn’t considered.
Question Your Assumptions
Have you ever described a situation or retold a story, only to have someone else describe the exact same
scenario in an astonishingly different way? We’ve all had this happen to us, and it is disorienting. The
confusion between our perspective and those of others originates from our own brains. The good news is
we have control over our brains! Start by accepting the fact that you may not see things as clearly as you
think you do, and the conclusions you draw about situations are absolutely not universal. Challenge
yourself to be aware of these assumptions and question them regularly. Once more, a coach or other
neutral party may be essential in helping you better understand how your perspective may be incomplete or
otherwise inaccurate, and what you can do about it.
Bottom LineYour capability to master your internal narrative will have a powerful effect on your career
success and your impact on others, your own well-being, and the longevity of your organization. Every
leader struggles with these crucial facets of emotional intelligence. This struggle does not define your
capabilities as a leader. However, the effort you put toward self-awareness and self-mastery may someday
grant you real business superpowers.
Annemarie Spadafore
Annemarie Spadafore is an ICF-certified executive coach, facilitator, and business
consultant who specializes in illuminating individual and team blind spots and
collaborating with clients to co-design futures where they will thrive. She follows a
sports-coaching model that incorporates baseline assessments and the co-creation of
specific and measurable goals that produce business results. She serves as an
empathetic accountability partner, ensuring clients perceive themselves and their
options accurately and firmly supporting them as they move forward towards their goals. Learn more at

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options accurately and firmly supporting them as they move forward towards their goals. Learn more at
.www.coachmespark.com