Murder at the Circus (one-act play by Kevin Nalty)

AV Copy:Murderat the Circus, v8, March 17,20191
a one-act play by
Kevin Nalty
Stanley a cop who just doesn’t feel right as a cop
Biff the bully cop
Barnum circus ringmaster
Bearded Borga the Bearded Lady (who shaves her beard)
Mo’ Muscle man of steel; lifts horses.
Olga the Oldest Oligarch on the Planet (who mishears everything)
Boozo the humorless clown who doesn’t care
Fake Hump Harry he’s a little slow but surprises us
Ticket Terrence people think he’s the shortest man in world
Fabiola the Flea we can’t see him… he’s a high-pitch voiced recording
Captain another off-stage voice
SOUND & LIGHT/CURTAIN NOTES

SCENE 1
Curtains open.
Borga screams off stage
Olga: When you’ve patches in your trousers and hole in your purse
When your nine to five it boring and your five to nine’s worse
Barnum: Olga. Olga? Ooooold-ga… (shouts): Olga the Oldest
Oligarch on the Planet!
Olga: Did you say damnit? Barnum, I ought to wash your mouth
out with turpentine (starts toward Barnum with her cane).
Mo’ Muscle: (He holds Olga back) “Olga. Is something wrong with those
hearing aids you bought in Saint Louis?”
Olga: Twelve thirty!
Boozo honks his horn as he enters from stage right with Borga the Bearded Lady
Borga has shaved her beard, and now only has a thick moustache.
Bearded Borga: (Impatiently) Did anyone hear my scream? Hello? I said…
(she screams louder)
Olga: Quiet everyone. I think I hear a cricket.
Ticket Terrence: Alright… what is it, Borga the Bearded Lady (sees Borga)
or “Borga the Moustached Lady”?
Barnum: Borga? Why did you shave your beard? That won’t sell any
tickets, dear.
Boozo honks horn
Hump Larry: Where lady face fur went?
Mo’ Muscle: (To Fake Hump Larry) Don’t worry, Fake Hump Larry.
There’s always more where that came from- I just needed a
style change. Like it? The shaved look is back, you know.
Why kids today are even shaving their…
Bearded Borga: Let me try this one more time. (Screams)
Olga: Maybe that cricket was actually a frog.

Mo’ Muscle: I’m sorry, Borga my dear. What startled you?
Bearded Borga: Bink & Bong! The (air quotes) “Glued Gounselin” twins.
Boozo: Those creepy conjoined twins startle me too.
Bearded Borga: Yeah but here’s what’s even more startling. They’re dead!
Circies appear only mildly surprised and even indifferent.
Bearded Borga: And look. I found Italian White Snakeroot in their tea. It’s a
known psychedelic that’s toxic in large doses.
Ticket Terrence: Well it looks like we have (to audience)…
a Murder at the Circus.
Boozo lets out lame horn sound
Boozo: I think Barnum should say that line (pats Terrence’s head).
It doesn’t have as much impact when uttered by “The
World’s Shortest Man.”
Ticket Terrence: Listen, (air quotes) “Boozo the Humorless Clown.” I told you
I’m NOT the World’s Shortest Man! I’m the flippin’ ticket
master. And your creepy-old-man, lack-of-funny isn’t selling
any tickets either (tries to charge toward Boozo).
Boozo honks his horn, tauntingly.
Barnum: Hush, you two. This is a one-act play and you’re wasting
words. Why… (hamming it up to audience) it appears we
DO have…
[Mystery Sound effect]
Barnum: A murder at the circus!
Lights out. Curtains close.

SCENE 2
Lights up, front of curtain. We meet Biff and Stanley, two police officers… holding
coffee and donuts and eating at Dunkin Donuts .
Biff: Give me a donut, butt head.
Stanley: Here (hands Biff a donut). You know, Biff. I don’t even like
donuts (hands him box). Is something wrong with me?
Biff: Yes, Stanley. Many things are wrong about you.
[Phone rings) Hold on- that’s my son. (Speaking to phone):
“What? WHAT?! Listen, Brutus. You need to show them
who’s boss. Walk into that courtyard, find the toughest
looking dude there, and POW (gestures a punch in a
distinctive way so it can be imitated later). Take them down.
That’s how you get respect in the joint.”
Stanley: You named your son Brutus?
Biff: Better than Felix. That’s what my old lady wanted to call
him. Women… you can’t live with them (as if he’s going to
finish “can’t live without him”)… pass me a donut.
Stanley: (Handing Biff donut). Did Brutus just get locked up in the
pen?
Biff: No. He’s five. First day of kindergarten (makes punching
gesture again)
[Captain’s voice on police radio]
Captain: C-1 Sound: “Biff. Stanley? What’s your 20?
Stanley: We’re at the donut (gets cut off by Biff)
Biff: Donut worry, Captain (winks at Stanley for his clever cover).
We’re pursuing a fugitive,.
Stanley: Yeah (Impressed by Biff’s cover). Donut worry. We’ve got
him cornered. Right here at Dunkin Donuts.
Biff shakes head
Captain: C-2 Sound: We have a report of a homicide…. correction…
double homicide. Twins.

Stanley: (Shudders): No, no, no, no, no. You take this, Biff. I think I
see a J-walker (begins to walk off stage right)
Biff: (Grabbing his shoulder and moving him stage center)
What’s wrong with you, Stanley? You’re a cop. A copper. A
pig. A po-po.
Stanley: A po-po? Yeah I guess I am. (he sulks) Like my father and
his father…
Biff: And his father and his father.
Stanley: Actually not that fourth one. The DNA test (holds up test
printout) couldn’t verify my father’s father’s father’s father’s
occupation. But it did confirm he was nearly 7 feet tall and
had streaks of flowing black and white hair.
Biff: Flowing black & white hair and 7 feet tall? DNA tests can
get that specific?
Stanley: Yes (holds up DNA test results). The DNA test says there
was a 98% probability that he had a creative birthmark.
Captain: C-3 Sound: Attention, Biff and Stanley… I need you to
investigate this horrific, deranged, disturbing and bloody
crime scene.
Stanley: (Mouths to Biff). “No, no, no, no.”
Biff: (Smacks the back of Stanley’s head) We’re on it, Captain!
Stanley: (Stage whisper) Damnit, Biff! I’m not going! (waves hands,
then crosses arms like toddler)
Captain: C-4 Sound: Report to the fairgrounds at once. It’s some
traveling circus.
Stanley: (His mood changes suddenly). Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I’m
IN! Captain- we’ve got this covered!
Biff: Suddenly you’re in? Stanley, there are only two things in
the world that scare me. Nuclear war and circies.
Lights out. Curtains open. Lights up.

SCENE 3
Curtain opens and we return to the circus, where characters are practicing their
amazing feats. Biff and Stanley enter from stage left and take center stage.
Biff: Attention circies!
Barnum: Circies?
Biff: Yes. Plural noun. Refers to circus people. Gather around,
Circies. We’re the police and we’re here to investigate the
murder of one, ah two… (looks at notebook) Bink & Bong.
The Glued Gounselin twins.
Boozo: Oh I can’t even hear the name of those creepy conjoined
twins without getting uneasy.
Hump Larry: (To Biff): Mister uniform man will deliver us mail today?
Stanley: Oh we’re not mailman. We’re po-po.
Biff: (Smells Fake Hump Larry) Who’s the slow one? That Circy
smells like cabbage and spoiled meat.
Barnum: Officer, we don’t use the word Circy or Circies here. We are
Circus Performers. And this one, dear officer, is “Fake
Hump Larry.”
Biff: (To Barnum) And who are you, wise apple?
Barnum: I’m Barnum. The Ringmaster of this circus!
Stanley: (In awe): Mr. Barnum? Why, nice to meet you, sir. I’m a big
fan. I saw you back when I was just 10 years…
Biff: Quiet, Stanley! Now about one – er two - Bink and Bong
Gounselin? They were conjoined twins?
Barnum: Well confidentially they were not technically conjoined
twins. As children in Ohio, they were assembling a model
airplane. Had a little accident with Gorilla Glue. Tragic
event, but on the positive side, they’ve really stuck together.
Stanley: And who was here at the time of the killing?

Olga: Grilling? Who’s grilling? I want sirloin.
Mo’ Muscle: (In thick Jersey accent) Weze were all here, copper
Biff: (To Mo): What’s your name, big boy?
Mo’ Muscle: Mo’ Muscle. I can lift a horse over ma shoulder.
Bearded Borga: Oh, Mo’ Muscle, my love. You are being humble. (to Biff)
Officer, I’ve seen Mo Muscle lift two Gorillas.
Mo’ Muscle: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. It scared the heck out of Bink
and Bong or some reason.
Hump Larry: Mr. Mailman, hairy lady finded dead twins. She scream.
Like this. (He screams like Bearded Borga).
Stanley: (To Borga): Sir-um-mam- what’s your name?
Bearded Borga: I’m Borga the Bearded Lady
Biff: And yet no beard. Maybe you should go with “Borga the
Moustached Lady”?
Stanley: Miss Borga… the ummm… lady. What was your
relationship to Bink & Bong- the Glued Gounselin twins?
Bearded Borga: Well Bink and I were dear friends. And later Bong. But you
know, Bong was always a third wheel. He would awkwardly
tag along on our dates (edits herself) outings.
Mo’ Muscle looks upset.
Biff: You don’t look so happy about that Mo’ Muscle. I notice
you’ve got a thing for Borga, so maybe you’re a bit jealous
of the Gorilla Glued Gounselin twins? Well we seem to
have established a motive for the killing of Bink & Bong.
Stanley: Wow it’s a love triangle between (counts using fingers)
Bearded Borga, Mo Muscle and Bink & Bong. Well maybe
that’s a love square?
Boozo blows horn
Stanley: (Noticing Ticket Terrence). Oh hello there, little boy.

Ticket Terrence: Who you calling a little boy, copper?
Biff: Woah it talks? I first thought that was an overgrown circus
rat. Let me guess. You’re the “Shortest Man in the World.”
Ticket Terrence: Damnit, no I am not! I’m Ticket Terrence. The ticket master!
Boozo: (To Biff). Tread lightly. Ticket Terrance is touchy about his
height. He once bit Bink in the knees for calling him
“Shortest Man in the World.” Or maybe he bit Bong. I could
never tell those two apart.
Bearded Borga Bink was on the left, and Bong was on the right.
Hump Larry: Not when I wacked behinded them.
Stanley: Oh, Fake Hump Larry- Bink was still on the left.. it’s just
that…. (realizes Larry won’t process this). Anyway (to
Boozo)… they were identical twins? Is that why you couldn’t
tell them apart?
Ticket Terrence: No it’s because they were from Ohio. Those Buckeyes all
look the s…
Boozo honks horn to stop Terrence’s racist line.
Biff: Well, well, well. We have another carnie with a motive to kill
the Glued Gounselin twins. The teeny guy didn’t like Bink
and Bong.
Boozo: New nickname for short. Teeny Ticket Terrence!
Biff: How about you? (To Boozo). What’s your name? Bozo the
Clown?
Boozo: BOOzo… the Humorless Clown (blows horn).
Hump Larry: Bink and Bong say Boozo is most unfunny clown ever.
Stanley: Interesting, Fake Hump Larry. Thanks for that tip. Boozo
had a motive.
Biff: So the unfunny Booze clown wanted revenge?

Boozo: Well, I will admit this. I saw them before they died. They
really pissed me off. Kept laughing at me. The more they
laughed the madder I got. Maybe they died laughing.
Anyway, it serves them right. Nobody laughs at Boozo the
humorless Clown.
Biff: (To Olga) Hey grandma. What’s your deal?
Olga: Veal? I said I wanted sirloin!
Barnum: Officer, you’ll have to speak up. This is Olga (with
showmanship to audience) the “Oldest Oligarch on the
Planet!” She used to trapeze with the Wallenda Sisters in
the early 1800s.
Stanley: (Excitedly) Wow the Wallenda Sisters!? They’re famous.
Didn’t they fall to their death from a trapeze line that had
been cut? Why, Miss Olga- did you perform with them
when you were a young lady?
Olga: Young lady? It was 1804. I was already a great
grandmother by then (beat). Everything was black and
white, and we all walked fast (beat) Anyway those two had
it coming.
Stanley: Did you have anything to do with that cut trapeze line?
Olga: Maybe. But you can’t arrest me. The event passed the
Statute of Limitations 50 years ago.
Biff: This place is crawling with suspects. The old maid already
proved she can kill… in pairs.
Olga: Rare? No. Cook it medium well.
Stanley: Is there anyone here who got along with the twins?
Fabiola’s lines are off-stage recorded voice in high pitch Italian accent.
Nobody is surprised by the voice except for the two cops.
Fabiola the Flea: F-1 Sound: I lika Bink and Bong. We once took a road trip
across America. And across England.
Mo Muscle: Good move, Fabiola. That ways eacha da twins got a
chance to drive.

Boozo honks horn
Biff: Who are you talking to, big man?
Boozo: It’s Fabiola the Flea (looks at table). Hi Fab.
Fabiola the Flea: F-2 Sound: Buongiorno, Boozo the Humorless Clown.
Biff: (Looks at table). What? Who’s there?
Hump Larry: (Points to spot) Look closerly. It flea.
Stanley: Fake Hump Larry… You have remarkably good eyes. I
don’t see him at all.
Bearded Borga: Fabiola (she wipes mouth to signal Fabiola). You’ve got
some, uh, spinach on your thorax.
Stanley: Bearded Borga, your eyes are even better than Fake Hump
Larry.
Fabiola the Flea: F-3 Sound: Gratzi Borga. Leftover spinach fettuccini. Iza it
gone now?
Biff and Stanley are stunned.
Barnum: (To Biff) Fabiola the Flea was once the protégé of Stefano
and His Italian Flea Circus!
Bearded Borga You mean Stupendous Stefano and His Italian Flea Circus.
Mo’ Muscle No, love. He dropped the Stupendous from his name. Them
audiences felt he was upstaging the fleas.
Stanley: (To table): And why did you leave Stefano and the flea
circus to join Barnum?
Boozo: (Redirects Stanley to different part of table).
No- He’s over there now.
Stanley readjusts his eyes to location to which Boozo points
Fabiola the Flea: F-4 Sound: Stefano was a rival of Barnum’s and I knewa his
flea circus had no chance of lasting. Everyone knows-
Signore Barnum no lika any competitors.

Biff: Okay, Barnum. So you took Stefano out to knock out the
competition?
Barnum: Of course not. I will not stand here and have you accuse
me of murder in front of my Circies… I mean, circus
performers. And at a time where we are mourning the loss
of our dearest Glued Gounselin twins (he dramatically stage
weeps).
Hump Larry: Mr. Barnum. I saw origami bird on floor next to twin bodies.
It say “urgent note for Barnum” (pronounces urgent ‘ur-guh-
ent’ not “ur-jent”)
Barnum: Goodness. Before the twins passed, they must have left a
note that could reveal their murderer!
Bearded Borga: Let’s go read it Barnum!
Barnum and Bearded Borga run off stage left
Biff: I don’t trust that Barnum. He’s the murderer… I’m sure.
(To all). And you Circies seem to have your fair share of
murders. But tell me this. Why hasn’t even one of you
shown an ounce of grief.
Olga: Ounce of beef? I said I want sirloin!
Off stage we hear Elephant Sound, 2) another scream
from Bearded Bolg, then 3) an imitation scream by Fake Hump Larry
Borga enters from stage left and runs to center stage
Bearded Borga: It’s Barnum! He was trampled by Ellie the Elephant. And I
checked the body. No pulse. That probably means he’s
dead, right?
Hump Larry: Nooooo Ellie squashed daddy? (runs off stage)
Stanley: Wait a minute. Fake Hump Larry is Barnum’s son?! As
Barnum’s heir, does he now become your new ringmaster?
Ticket Terrence: NO! No way Fake Hump Larry becomes ringmaster. I’ve got
that position coming to me, and Barnum was nothing but a
fake.
Olga: Steak?

Stanley: (Loudly) No, Olga- it’s just another death. First the Glued
Gounselin twins. Now it seems Barnum was murdered!
Olga: Murder, shmurder. Back in 1870, when we travelled with
the cannibals of Papua New Guinea, someone would
disappear after every meal.
Biff: (Beat) Shut up, you heartless Circies. Which of you wanted
Barnum dead? Besides me.
Entire cast, except Stanley, raise their hands…
after awkward pause, Boozo honks horn.
Biff: I ought to take you all to the slammer! You cabbage-
smelling Circies.
Stanley: Easy Biff. Let’s focus on the suspects. Clearly Ticket
Terrence is a possibility. With Barnum out of the way, he
thought he could become ringmaster. Move up the circus
ladder.
Biff: Oh he needs a circus ladder, all right (beat) And I wouldn’t
put Barnum’s murder past any of these Circies. Fess up.
Who wanted both the Gorilla Glued Gounselin twins and
Barnum dead?
Hump Larry enter from stage left and takes center stage.
Hump Larry: Ellie the Elephant! She have bite mark on her tail. Flea bite!
Stanley: Wow, Fake Hump Larry. You do have remarkable eyesight.
Hump Larry: (Looks at table astonished): Fabiola the Flea. Is that be
White Snakeroot in your shirt pocket? Ohhhh noooo!!
Larry runs off stage left again
Stanley: Well that’s a coincidence. The twins died from White
Snakeroot in their tea.
Fabiola the Flea: F-5 Sound: What? This notta White Snakeroot. This is
oregano… or some Italian spice… I thinka ita actually some
fresh anchovy I pick from garden bush this morning… or
something.

Biff: Then eat it. Right now.
Fabiola the Flea: F-6 Sound: No, Ima full. Fabliola no hungry.
Hump Larry runs back on stage to center.
Hump Larry: Look- Fake Hump Larry find origami bird in daddy’s
squashed hand.
Mo’ Muscle grabs origami bird and opens it to reveal note
Boozo: (Grabs origami bird). I’ve got this… It says “Dear Mr.
Barnum. Bink and I bid you heartfelt goodbyes. Before we
die, we must tell you that Fabiola the Flea tried to convince
us to join his new circus. We said no, and now we die from
White Snakeroot in our tea. By the way, this poisonous tea
is delicious. Sincerely, Bong.
Biff: Looks like Bong gave us a smoking gun.
Stanley: Fake Hump Larry. You should be a detective! It’s all coming
together now. Fabiola the Flea was trying to convince the
Glued Gounselin twins to leave Barnum and spin off a new
circus act. But the twins threatened to tell Barnum of the
disloyalty. So the flea killed them by putting White
Snakeroot in their tea. Which is apparently delicious but
toxic in large doses.
Biff: Where are you going with this, Stanley? You sound like
you’re trying to act like a real police detective.
Mo Muscle: He is. Po-Po Stanley is a regular Hercule Poirot
Olga: Dough? No thanks. I’m on Atkins. Bring me my meat!
Stanley: Stay with me, Biff. When Fake Hump Larry found the
origami message, Fabiola knew the note would frame him
for the murder of the Glued Gounselin twins. So the flea bit
Ellie the Elephant to make her charge and trample over
Barnum!
Fabiola begins evading police and is moving from one place to another. The
ensemble simultaneously shifts gaze to various spots as Fabiola moves about…
from the table to center stage’s floor. Then to the left and right apron. Biff and
Stanley look to the circies to find out where Fabiola is perched, and are always
one step behind.

Fabiola the Flea: F-7 Sound:
1) What? I don’t know what you’re talking about (moves to
floor).
2) Fabliola innocent. (he moves to stage left apron).
3) I wouldn’t harm a flea. I gotta go check my pesto in oven
(he moves to stage right apron).
4) Who wanta fresh pesto?
Stanley: (Pulls out handcuffs and approaches stage left apron).
Fabiola. You’re under arrest! You have the right to remain
silent.
Boozo: He’s over there (points to left apron)
Stanley: (Moves to left apron and is tries unsuccessfully to handcuff
Fabiola. Swiping in air). Anyone have some tiny handcuffs?
And a magnifying glass or microscope or something?
Fabiola the Flea: F-8 Sound: Okay- I confess. But I didn’t wanta to kill the
twins or Barnum. I just wanted my own show. I have 42
hungry kids to feed- and they’re somewhere between the
larva and pupal stage.
Biff: (Pushes Stanley aside) Back off Stanley… I’ve got this
(Walks to left apron, looking around desperately…. Then
slams his foot on the floor).
Circies are aghast… Biff stepped on Fabiola.
Bearded Borga: Oh no! Now poor Fabiola is dead.
Olga: Bread? Are you people dead? I don’t do carbs. Why do you
think I’ve lived so long?
Stanley: Damnit Biff. What kind of po-po are you? You just killed a
suspect who had a right to a fair trial.
Biff: And you’re not going to say a word about it to the captain,
are you? (Holds up fist).
Stanley: No- I think I’ll take the advice you gave Brutus...
Stanley punches Biff to ground with a right hook that resembles
Biff’s gesture from earlier. The Circies all shout in joy

Olga: I haven’t seen a right hook like that since The Amazing
Kordestani took down the tribal chief of the cannibals of
Papua New Guinea.
Stanley: Who was the Amazing Kordestani?
Olga: He was only the greatest ringmaster in the world.
Kordestani was nearly 7 feet tall and had streaks of flowing
black and white hair. Kordestani even had a birthmark on
his arm shaped like a circus tent. Clearly it was destiny for
him to be a ringmaster.
Stanley: Oh my God. A birthmark like this? (lifts sleeve to reveal a
circus-tent birthmark on his own arm). I think Kordestani
was my father’s father’s father’s father!
Bearded Borga: Can you prove it?
Stanley: Yes! (Holds up DNA test results). I can!
Bearded Borga: (looking at DNA test results). It’s legit. The nice po-po is
Kordestani’s great great great grandson.
Boozo: Looks like we have our new ringmaster! (honks horn)
Stanley: What?
Bearded Borga: It’s in your blood, son. You have destiny to thank.
Olga: Shank? No. Maybe flank.
Hump Larry: (Pulls out a rump from his shoulder, handing it to Olga)
Here some meat Olga.
Olga grabs the meat with delight. Boozo notices Hump Larry has no more hump.
He honks horn. The rest of the ensemble look at Fake Hump Larry and says
things like:
That’s not real?
Wait that hump is fake?
Where’d your hump go?
Fake Hump Larry. Now I get your name.
Mo’ Muscle: What do you say, kid? Want to join the circus?’
Bearded Borga and Mo’ Muscle embrace

Biff: (Begins to lift himself up from floor). You have got do be
kidding me.
Olga knocks Biff out with her cane.
Stanley: (Rips off badge) Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I DO!
Boozo honks horn, and ensemble sings “Join the Circus”
The End

Murder at the Circus (one-act play by Kevin Nalty)

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