This document presents four choices for how to respond when hearing a difficult message: 1) Judgmental ears out - blame or criticize the other person; 2) Judgmental ears in - blame or criticize yourself; 3) Generative ears in - connect to your own internal feelings and needs; 4) Generative ears out - connect to the other person's feelings and needs by showing empathy. The goal is to choose generative responses that avoid judgment and instead understand different perspectives.

1. FOUR CHOICES
WHEN HEARING A DIFFICULT MESSAGE
Judgmental (Jackal) Ears Out
Blame or criticize the other person
"It's your fault."
"You are _________."
"You should ______."
Voice of Anger
Judgmental (Jackal) Ears In
Blame or criticize yourself
"It's my fault."
"I am __________."
"I should ______."
Voice of Guilt, Shame and Depression
Generative (Giraffe) Ears In
Connect to your internal experience of feelings and needs
"I'm feeling_______
because I need/value______."
Voice of Self-Empathy
Generative (Giraffe) Ears Out
Connect to the feelings and needs of the other person
"Are you feeling _______
because you're valuing/needing______?"
Voice of Empathy
Based on the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
© 2006 peaceworks Jim and Jori Manske, CNVC Certified Trainers 505-344-1305 nvctrainer@gmail.com
radicalcompassion.squarespace.com and cnvc.org