Better off Dead: an absurd musical comedy play script

Better off Dead
by
Oren Shafir

ACT I, SCENE I: THE AIRPORT ARRIVALS
(Ulla, a beautiful, young
blonde Danish woman is
holding a sign that says Mr.
Rex Ray. Rex, a strapping,
young and handsome Texan
swaggers out with a flourish
wearing a colorful, studded
cowboy outfit, including a
bolo and waving his hat.)
REX
Why howdy Ma’am. I’m Rex Ray of Taratally Texas in the good
old US of A. Yes, that’s God’s country, the land of
freedom, the greatest country in the world, where the men
are still God-fearin, the women still consider it their
duty to be child-bearin, and the young uns respect their
mammies and pappies, or they can expect a fearsome lickin;
Where a man still has the right to defend his home with
whatever firearms he sees fit to carry, where the women
still see fit to take care of the home cleanin and the
finger-lickin cookin, and where the young uns speak when
spoken to and get a lickin when a lickin is comin to them;
Where men still work from dusk to dawn, where women still
wear Sunday dresses to church, and wear children still do
their chores or they know they can expect a lickin;
where...
ULLA
Hi Rex, I am Ulla from the Danish foreign office. Your
father called us and arranged for you to be picked up.
Apparently, he has connections in high places.
REX
Does he ever. Why he’s the biggest oil baron in Texas and a
close personal friend of Moses.
ULLA
Moses?
REX
Well, that actor who played Moses, Mr. Charlton Heston?
ULLA
Is he not dead?
REX
Yes, but they’re close personal friends. Well, I’m pleased
as punch to meet you, Ulla, and no disrespect but back home
in Texas, they wouldn’t have sent a woman to pick me up at
this hour. At this hour, a woman would be home makin supper
for her man.
REX
Well, Rex, here in Denmark, women and men are equal.

REX
Equal! Why you Dutch people amaze me, Ulla.
ULLA
We are not Dutch. We are Danish.
REX
Danish? I thought a Danish was something you ate. See I’m
learnin things already. My Daddy, Tex Tarkington, the
billionaire cattle baron from Toucan Texas, sent me to
Europe to become well-rounded and sew my oats in a white
Christian country.
ULLA
Well, we have hardly any billionaires in Denmark, Rex, and
the few we have, never talk about their money because
everyone is equal here.
REX
Equal!
ULLA
Yes, we have socialism here.
REX
Socialism? Isn’t that the same as communism?
ULLA
No in communism, everyone works for the State.
REX
And in socialism?
ULLA
There are a few who don’t.
REX
Who are they?
ULLA
I don’t know. I have never met one. And you know what else,
although we are a Christian country, we have very few
religious people.
REX
No religion, too, Imagine that. My Daddy, Tex Terry, the
famous shipping baron from Tullula Texas, would be
appalled. Why Ulla, if it wasn’t for one thing, I’d turn
around and get right back that plane headin back for Texas.
ULLA
What is the one thing, Rex?
REX
Why it’s only that you’re the prettiest thing I ever set my
eyes on, that’s what. Why with a little makeup and nail
polish, and maybe a snappie Texas Do, you’d be absolutely
stunning.
2.

ULLA
Oh Rex. And I must confess that despite the fact that I
despise your ignorant, self-centered boorish American ways,
you are one impressive specimen of a man.
REX
Yee ha.
(Rex throws his hat in the air and
sings.)
THE HAPPY COWBOY SONG
I’M JUST A HAPPY COWBOY
TO EUROPE I HAVE COME
TO LEARN ABOUT THE WORLD
AND THEN RULE IT FROM BACK HOME
KIE YAY YIPPIE YAY YO YO MA
I’VE COME TO HAVE A REST
ALTHOUGH IT’S MY FIRST TRIP EVER
I THINK THE U.S. IS THE BEST
KIE YAY YIPPIE YAY JOHANN CRUYFF
WITH A TEN-GALLON HAT OF COURSE
BACK HOME, I HAVE LOTS OF GUNS
BUT I NEVER RODE A HORSE
KIE YAY YIPPIE YAY JERZY KOZINSKI
MY AIM IS TRUE AND PURE
I’VE COME TO SAVE THE WORLD
BUT FROM WHAT, I AM NOT SURE
KIE YAY YIPPIE YAY JUNGIAN THERAPY
As song ends, Rex picks Ulla up and
carries her offstage shouting Yee Ha.
3.

ACT I, SCENE II, THE PARK
(Rex and Ulla sit on a picnic
blanket. The sound of a fly
buzzing grows louder and
louder. Rex takes whip out
of bag and cracks it. The
fly sound stops,)
ULLA
Rex put that away.
REX
Shucks sugar, I was just gettin rid of a pesky old fly.
ULLA
You’re scaring people.
REX
(Yells out.)
Sorry I was just trying to help, didn’t mean to scare you,
ma’am.
ULLA
Rex, that is a man.
REX
But he’s wearing makeup and lipstick. Say, he ain’t one of
the them funny boys, is he?
ULLA
If by funny you mean a homosexual, then yes, he is. And in
Denmark, homosexuals are not discriminated against. We are
tolerant.
REX
Ah heck, honey pie. I’m tolerant too. I don’t care what
those gay boys do in the privacy of a remote mountain area.
ULLA
We don’t have mountains in Denmark, Rex.
REX
I just think that if they flaunt it in public, they oughta
expect to get a lickin.
ULLA
Well Rex, you are religious, and remember what Jesus said
about turning the other cheek and casting the first stone.
REX
That’s what I’m saying. I want to cast the first stone.
ULLA
Have you actually read the Bible, Rex?
4.

REX
Parts of it. Like the part about it being an abomination.
You’re the one who’s anti-religious.
ULLA
I am not anti religious. I am just not pro religious.
REX
Well, you’re pro gay, it seems.
ULLA
I am not pro-gay, I am just not anti-gay.
REX
Well, you’re pro abortion.
ULLA
I am not pro abortion, I am pro choice.
REX
Well, I’m pro life, even if I have to kill some people to
make my point.
ULLA
That makes no sense.
REX
Well, I have strong opinions, Ulla. How do you Dutch people
express yourselves?
ULLA
In a rational way, through lawful and orderly
demonstrations.
REX
There do seem to be a lot of people demonstrating. What are
they demonstrating against?
ULLA
Well, those people over there are demonstrating against the
death penalty in the States.
REX
In the States!
ULLA
Sure, we do not have the death penalty in Denmark. And
those people over there are demonstrating against poverty
in the States.
REX
In the States!
ULLA
Sure, we do not have poverty in Denmark. And those people
over there are protesting because they took away their
Youth House.
5.

REX
In the States!
ULLA
I didn’t say in the States.
REX
Oh sorry.
ULLA
In Copenhagen.
REX
Copenhagen! Isn’t that a theme park where everything’s made
out of building blocks?
ULLA
No, that’s Legoland.
REX
Well, why did they take away their Youth House?
ULLA
It was not actually theirs, they were just squatting there.
REX
Squatting? Wasn’t there room to stand up?
ULLA
Squatting means they just took the place over. It was
empty.
REX
Well, I’m not surprised it was empty if there wasn’t room
to stand up. You Dutch are tall people.
ULLA
(with affection) Oh Rex, you’re such an idiot.
REX
I may be an idiot, but at least I have passion. You have no
passion.
ULLA
I may not have passion, but I have plenty of common sense.
I'M DANISH, AND I'M SENSIBLE
EXTREMISM IS REPREHENSIBLE
(REX) ARE ALL THE DANES JUST LIKE YOU?
YES, THEY ARE SENSIBLE TOO
WE HAVE NO STEEP HILLS
OR HOSTILE NEIGHBORS
WE HAVE NO DANGEROUS BEASTS
OR EXTREME WEATHER
(REX) IT SEEMS, NOTHING MUCH
AROUND HERE HAPPENS EVER
6.

WE HAVE FREE HEALTH CARE
WE HAVE FREE EDUCATION
(REX) YOU DON'T SEEM TO WORK TOO HARD
WE HAVE 7 WEEKS VACATION
WE'RE LUTHERANS, BUT NOT RELIGIOUS
WE'RE SUCCESSFUL, BUT NOT PRESTIGIOUS
WE DON'T BELIEVE IN AGGRESSION
(REX) BUT YOU SEEM TO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION
WE HAVE MATERNITY LEAVE
AND SIX WEEK'S VACATION
WE DON'T HAVE TO ADVANCE IN LIFE
(REX) YOU’RE ALL IN THE SAME STATION
WE HAVE NO TRAFFIC
OR POLLUTION
LIFE HERE’S A BIT LIKE
(REX) A SLOW EXECUTION?
WE HAVE NO STEEP HILLS
OR HOSTILE NEIGHBORS
WE HAVE NO DANGEROUS BEASTS
OR EXTREME WEATHER
(REX) IT SEEMS, NOTHING MUCH
AROUND HERE HAPPENS EVER
ACT I, SCENE III, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM
(Lars and Lone are just
entering)
ULLA
These are my dearest friends, Lars and Lone Lonelarsen.
Lars and Lone, this is my new boyfriend, Rex from Texas.
LARS AND LONE
Oh, an American.
REX
What’s a matter, don’t you like Americans?
LARS
Yes, of course. We are Danish.
LONE
We are very tolerant and extremely non-judgemental.
LARS
But we believe that all Americans are narcissistic,
dogmatic hypocrites.
7.

REX
Why I might take offense with that if I knew what any of
those words meant.
ULLA
Now we shall have Danish hygge.
LARS
Yes, now we shall have Danish hygge.
LONE
Yes, we shall have Danish hygge now.
REX
Danish, who what? What’s that?
ULLA
We shall explain.
8.

LARS, LONE AND ULLA
(Lars, Lone and Ulla light
candles frantically as they
sing this song)
THE DANISH HYGGE SONG
DANISH HYGGE IS SO DANISH
IT’S AS DANISH AS CAN BE
DANISH HYGGE IS SO SPECIAL
BECAUSE IT IS SO HYGGELIG
DANISH HYGGE IS SO SIMPLE
AND YET IT IS COMPLEX
ALL YOU NEED ARE 500 CANDLES
AND SOME PEOPLE AT LEAST THREE
THEN YOU NEED SOME DANISH HUMOR
WE ARE VERY FUNNY
WE GAVE THE WORLD BLACK HUMOR
WE INVENTED IRONY
DANISH HYGGE IS SO DANISH
IT IS AS DANISH AS CAN BE
DANISH HYGGE IS SO CHARMING
BECAUSE IT IS SO HYGGELIG
ALL YOU NEED ARE 500 BEERS
AND SOME PEOPLE, AT LEAST THREE
REX
Oh, that’s Danish hygge. It’s kinda like...
LARS
No.
REX
It reminds me of...
LONE
It’s different.
REX
But it’s a little like...
ULLA
No, it’s Danish.
LONE
It’s unique. You don’t know what it is.
ULLA
But we will teach you.
LARS
You are a fine fellow.
LONE
Yes, you are a fine fellow.
9.

LARS
You are just a bit too ostentatious.
REX
What’s that? Austin, Texas?
ULLA
You’re too loud.
LONE
Too crude.
LARS
You eat with your hands.
ULLA
You want to rule the world.
LONE
And spread your own misguided brand of democracy.
LARS
But you do not know what true democracy is.
ULLA
No, you do not know.
LONE
You are belligerent.
LARS
Bombastic.
REX
What’s that? Bomb whose ass?
LARS
But do not worry.
LONE
We can help you.
ULLA
We can change you.
LONE
We can make you Danish.
REX
But why would I want to change. America is the greatest
country in the world, and I say that without ever having
been outside the States, other than here in the Netherlands
of course, and one time in Hawaii.
ULLA
Hawaii is part of the States.
10.

REX
Well, there you go then. Greatest country in the world.
(They smile condescendingly
at Rex, look up at each
other and burst into
laughter. Rex is
uncomfortable)
LARS
You must change.
LONE
For Ulla’s sake.
LARS
Yes for Ulla.
LONE
You shall not worry yourself, it happens all the time.
REX
What happens?
(Once again, they smile
condescendingly, look at
each other and burst into
laughter.)
LARS
People come here from all over the world, Rex.
LONE
From warm places.
ULLA
From island paradises.
LARS
From tax-free havens.
LONE
Why do you think they come?
REX
I don’t know. Is it the free education?
LARS
No.
REX
The free health care?
LONE
No.
REX
The Danish pastries.
11.

LARS
No.
ULLA AND LONE
It’s the women.
LARS
Young.
LONE
Blonde.
ULLA
Sensual.
LONE
Long.
LARS
Round breasts.
LONE
Blue eyes.
LARS
Full lips.
LONE
Soft thighs.
ULLA
They are our greatest national asset.
LARS
They keep our economy running.
LONE
Without them, we could not get talented engineers,
investors and enterpreneurs to live here and pay 70% taxes.
REX
70%?
ULLA
And suffer the dark winters and rainy summers.
REX
Dark winters? 70% taxes? (almost in tears) I don’t wanna
live here. I don’t want to be Danish.
LARS
You have to, Rex.
REX
But why?
LONE
Because of Ulla.
12.

REX
Well, she’s a fine gal and all.
LARS
She has you in her grips.
REX
She is real pretty.
LONE
She has seduced you.
REX
And she does this thing with her tongue.
LARS
She has conquered you.
REX
(highly emotional) I can’t leave Ulla.
LONE
It’s okay, Rex.
REX
I’ll do anything.
LARS AND LONE
We will help you.
LONE
The same thing happened to Lars.
REX
What do yo mean?
LONE
He used to be a Brazilian named Julio Cesar Antonio de
Maceo Guiza.
ULLA
Until he met Lone.
LONE
I seduced him.
LARS
It is true.
LONE
And transformed him into a Dane.
LARS AND LONE
She taught me about Danish hygge,
REX
And you’re happy?
13.

LARS
Happiness is irrelevant.
LONE
You shall not worry, Rex.
LARS
We will cure your Americanism.
LONE
We will make you Danish.
REX
You will?
LARS AND LONE
Absolutely.
REX
Hot damn. Ulla honey, they’re gonna make me Danish, and
then I can marry you, and we’ll be together all the time,
and you can that thing you do with your tongue for me,
okay?
Ulla picks Rex up and carries him
offstage.
ACT I, SCENE IV, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM
(All four characters sit at
the table in Ulla’s living
room for a traditional
Danish luncheon. They
instruct Rex in etiquette,
and he does whatever they
say.)
ULLA
Don’t slouch.
LONE
Take your elbows off the table.
LARS
Don’t switch the fork to your right hand. Put the food in
your mouth with your left hand.
(Rex reaches for roast beef
and mayonnaise)
LONE
What are you doing?
ULLA
You can’t do that.
14.

LARS
Never eat meat before the fish dishes are done. The small
plate is only for fish.
LONE
And when you do eat the roast beef, you must eat it with
remoulade and horseradish, not mayonnaise.
ULLA
Never mayo.
They all take a bite of food, and as
soon as Lars starts talking Lone and
Ulla put their silverware down, but
Rex continues to eat.
LARS
You know according to...
ULLA
Excuse me Lars. Rex, Lars wants to say something. Put your
knife and fork down and listen. Go ahead, Lars.
LARS
You know according to my rain measuring device, it only
rained xx centimeters this month.
LONE
Xx centimeters, that is not much.
LARS
Very little.
ULLA
It is bad for the cucumbers.
LONE
Very bad.
There is silence, then Rex picks up
his knife and fork again but must
stop when Lars begins speaking again.
LARS
I don’t know if we shall get any cucumbers if it rains.
LONE
I do not hope so. It is certainly not good for the
cucumbers.
Again, there is silence and Rex tries
to take a bite again but must stop
when Ulla talks.
ULLA
Not good at all.
15.

He waits a little longer this time,
then tries to take a bite.
LARS
You know I read that last year’s Lithuanian football
champions might hire Michael Laudrup as their trainer.
Lars, Ulla and Lone all stand and Rex
follows their lead. They put their
hands over their hearts. There are
heavenly tones of music.
LARS, LONE AND ULLA
Michael Laudrup.
The all return to their seats and
continue eating.
REX
Gosh, y’all have so many strange customs. How will I ever
learn them all?
ULLA
There are not that many.
LONE
No not that many.
LARS
Not really that many. You can learn them, my friend.
(Lars sings)
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF AT THE DOOR
CUT YOUR BREAD INTO
TWO PIECES OR MORE
(Lars, Lone and Ulla sing)
AND EVERY FIVE MINUTES SAY SKÅL
(Lone sings)
PUT YOUR NAPKIN ON YOUR LAP
EAT AT LEISURE
DO NOT ATTACK
(Ulla sings)
NEVER EAT WHEN SOMEONE’S TALKING
NEVER TALK WHEN YOU’RE CHEWING
DO NOT CHEW EXCESSIVELY
THE CAN OF WATER IS FOR SHARING
THE SCNHAPPES IS FOR THE HERRING
WITH THE BEER, DONT BE SPARING
16.

REX
Let me see if I got this.
(Rex sings, growing more and
more confident as he goes
on)
I TAKE MY SHOES OFF AT THE DOOR
CUT MY BREAD INTO
TWO PIECES OR MORE
I PUT A NAPKIN ON MY LAP
EAT AT LEISURE
I DON’T ATTACK
I NEVER EAT WHEN SOMEONE’S TALKING
NEVER TALK WHEN I’M CHEWING
I DO NOT CHEW EXCESSIVELY
(Ulrex, Lars, Lone and Ulla
sing)
(Rex, Lars, Lone and Ulla
sing)
THE CAN OF WATER IS FOR SHARING
THE SCNHAPPES IS FOR THE HERRING
WITH THE BEER, DONT BE SPARING
LARS
That’s it.
LONE
You’ve got it.
ULLA
Skål to Lars.
LARS, LONE AND ULLA
Skål to Lars.
They all stand and clink glasses.
END OF ACT I
17.

ACT II, SCENE I, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM
(It is 17 years later, and
Rex, now called Ulrex, is
dressed drab and
conservatively: a button-up
plaid shirt, glasses, nerdy
hairstyle. He now speaks
with a Danish accent. He
sits behind the newspaper
laughing at what he’s
reading)
ULLA
What is such great fun in the paper that you should laugh
so hard, Ulrex?
ULREX
Lowers the paper smiling
It is the weather.
ULLA
The weather? What is such great fun about the weather?
ULREX
It shall rain every day this week.
ULLA
So? That is not fun.
ULREX
Yes, but it shall be the same temperature. (He pauses. Ulla
stares at him) And the same number of centimeters of rain.
(Pause)
ULLA
Oh. (She laughs)
She takes the paper from him, reads
and laughs harder together with
Ulrex.
ULREX
And it shall continue to be dark.
ULLA
Yes it shall continue to be dark. Let us light some
candles.
ULREX
Yes, let us light some candles. (pause) Why shall we light
candles, Ulla?
ULLA
Because it is dark. And because it is Thursday. You know we
always have a hygge evening with Lars and Lone on Thursday.
18.

ULREX
Oh, of course. A hygge evening. I almost forgot. We have
had a hygge evening with Lars and Lone every Thursday for
the past 17 years, and I almost forgot.
Long pause, then they both laugh
ULLA
I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, Ulrex.
ULREX
Yes. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, Ulla.
ULLA
Help me light some candles. That has a calming effect on
you.
They light candles frantically. The
doorbell rings. Lars and Lone enter,
and they greet each other.
ULREX
Who could that be?
ULLA
Maybe it is Lars and Lone.
ULREX
Oh yes, maybe it is Lars and Lone.
They sit down at table. Ulla serves
coffee and cookies. They cut their
cookies with their knives and forks
and put them down every time someone
talks.
LONE
This is hyggelig.
LARS
Yes, this is hyggelig.
Long pause.
ULLA
Yes, very hyggelig.
UlREX
Yes, very hyggelig. But it would be even more hyggelig with
herring.
ULLA
Yes, herring is nice, but not for a hygge evening, Ulrex.
It is nice with a luncheon.
LARS
Yes, herring and schnappes.
19.

LONE
Pickled herring.
ULLA
Fried herring.
LARS
And beer, too.
LONE
Herring with curry.
ULLA
Herring with mustard.
LONE
Herring in vinegar.
ULLA
With onion and hard-boiled egg on top.
LONE
Herring in sherry.
ULREX
Yes, you should come for a luncheon where we eat many types
of herring.
LARS
And drink Schnappes.
And beer
ULREX
How about in November?
They all say it’s a good idea and
take out their datebooks one at a
time. Each is bigger and thicker than
the next. Ulrex takes out his, which
is the biggest of all, from a drawer.
ULLA
I cannot on Mondays and Tuesdays.
LONE
And I cannot on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Fridays.
LARS
And I cannot on Mondays and Wednesdays.
20.

ULREX
And I cannot on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays,
Fridays and Saturdays.
LARS
What about Sunday?
ULREX
No, I cannot on Sunday. I play tennis on Sundays.
ULLA
But you do not play tennis in the winter.
ULREX
Yes, that is true. I do not play in the winter. I forgot.
LONE
How about Sunday, week 47, then?
ULREX
No, we cannot. We shall to Ulla’s father’s birthday.
LONE
How about week 48?
ULREX
No we cannot. We shall to a neighborhood board meeting.
LONE
How about week 49?
ULREX
No, we cannot. We shall clean out the attic.
They all express their
disappointment.
ULREX
Oh wait, this is the wrong calendar. This is my calendar
from 1996. My new one is in the top drawer. (He takes out
his new calendar, which is even bigger, and they all get
happy again.)
LONE
How about Sunday, week 47, then?
ULREX
No, we cannot. We shall to Ulla’s father’s birthday.
LONE
How about week 48?
ULREX
No we cannot. We shall to a neighborhood board meeting.
21.

LONE
How about week 49?
ULREX
No, we cannot. We shall clean out the attic.
ULLA
How about in May?
LARS
What year?
ULLA
This next coming year.
LARS, LONE ULLA AND ULREX
(All looking at their calendars)
Yes, that’s good. This coming Sunday May 5th in the new
year.
LARS
But what about your tennis, Ulrex?
ULREX
I will skip my tennis.
They are all surprised and impressed.
ULLA
Will you skip your tennis?
ULREX
Yes.
LONE
You will skip your tennis?
ULREX
Yes.
LARS
You would skip your tennis to have a luncheon with us?
ULREX
Yes.
LARS, LONE AND ULLA
That is very nice of you. Very nice. Yes, very nice of you,
Ulrex.
Lars and Lone get up to leave.
LONE
Well, we shall love to come to a luncheon with you.
22.

LONE
I will bring the herring in sherry.
LARS
And I will bring the schnappes.
LONE
Let us go now, Lars.
LARS
Yes, let us go now.
ULREX
We will see you for luncheon in November.
LARS
And for hygge evening next week, right?
ULREX
Yes, of course. I just got excited about the herring.
Goodbye.
LARS AND LONE
Goodbye. See you next time.
Lars and Lone exit.
ULREX
Lars forgot his jacket.
He picks it up and runs after them.
ULLA
Be careful of the garden tools. I think I left some out.
There is a crash and commotion. Ulrex
comes back in with a garden tool
stuck in his head. He is bleeding and
looks hideous. Ulla looks at him at
first alarmed and appalled at the
sight of him. Then she averts her
eyes.
Did you give him his jacket?
ULREX
No, no, they were already gone.
ULLA
Oh, that’s too bad.
ULREX
Yes, that’s too bad.
ULLA
Ulrex?
23.

ULREX
Yes?
ULLA
Did something happen? Did you fall and hurt yourself?
ULREX
Yes, yes I did, Ulla. How did you know?
ULLA
Well because you have a (name of tool) hanging out of your
head.
Ulrex reaches up and touches it.
ULREX
Yes, I know.
ULLA
Maybe you should go to the hospital?
ULREX
(scared) Can it not wait until the morning?
ULLA
I think you should go now.
ULREX
Okay.
They exit.
ACT II, SCENE 2, 1 MONTH LATER, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM
Ulla and Ulrex sit on the couch
drinking tea. Ulrex still has the
garden tool sticking out of his head.
ULLA
How was work today?
ULREX
Fine, fine.
ULLA
(Sensing something is amiss) Is something wrong?
ULREX
No, it is nothing. I think it is just this (name of tool)
sticking out of my head.
ULLA
Does it hurt?
ULREX
No, that’s just it. I cannot feel anything.
24.

ULLA
Maybe you are in shock.
ULREX
No it is not that. It has been a whole month. I have grown
rather accustomed to it. It is something else.
ULLA
What do you mean?
ULREX
I think it started before the accident.
ULLA
Is it me? Do you blame me for making you move to Denmark?
ULREX
No. of course not. But it is as if the more I grow, the
less I can feel. I used to be sure of myself. Now I am not
sure of anything. I am not even sure if my former self was
real. It is as if my youth was just an old movie I once
saw. I cannot remember the details, and I cannot feel the
feelings. In fact, I have been feeling less and less of
anything at all for some time now. It is as if I have been
slowly disappearing, but I did not know it. At least not
until this (points to tool in head).
ULLA
What do you mean?
ULREX
Well, like when I went to the hospital...
ULLA
What happened?
Ulrex walks across the stage to some
transitional music. He lies on
hospital bed. Lars and Lone then
enter as doctor and nurse.
LARS
(Reading chart) Turn on your side, please. I shall do a
rectal examination.
ULREX
Again? You are the fourth doctor to do that.
LARS
(Ignores him, continues with examination, during which
Ulrex faces audience and makes funny faces. Nurse leans
over to watch) Yes, you have hemorrhoids. I'm going to
write you a prescription and release you.
25.

ULREX
Huh? Ok. Uh, doctor.
LARS
It is a cream for your rectum.
ULREX
Can I ask you a question?
LARS
(irritated) Yes, what is it?
ULREX
What about this garden tool in my head?
LARS
Garden what?
ULREX
(shows him his head. Doctor is surprised and picks up chart
again and reads it)
LARS
What is your birth date?
ULREX
August 4th, 1972.
LARS
Not December 5th, 1965?
ULREX
No.
LARS
Are you sure?
ULREX
Yes.
LARS
Have you had your appendix removed?
ULREX
No.
LARS
Are you sure?
ULREX
Yes.
26.

LARS
Is your name Ida Ingversen?
ULREX
No.
LARS
Are you sure?
ULREX
Yes.
LARS
Well, let us look at this garden tool, then shall we.
ULREX
What is his pulse, Nurse?
LONE
He has no pulse, doctor.
LARS
I see.
ULREX
Is that not bad?
LARS
I want you to see a specialist.
ULREX
Should I not be in intensive care?
(Nurse and doctor look at each other and burst into
laughter.)
LONE
There is no room in intensive care.
LARS
I will dress your wound.
(Wraps a bandage around his forehead.)
ULREX
How long will it take before I can see the specialist?
LARS
Anywhere from 3 months to 7 years. You will get a letter.
ULREX
Oh but…
LARS
Any other questions?
27.

ULREX
Well, yes I was wondering…
LARS
Good luck then. (They exit)
Ulrex walks back over to join Ulla in
the living room to transitional
music.
ULLA
Perhaps you are just irritable because you have
hemorrhoids.
ULREX
No, I do not think so. And at work, it was as if everyone
ignored this thing in my head. They would not acknowledge
that I have changed.
ULLA
What do you mean?
Ulrex crosses stage again. Hospital
bed is now office desk. Ulrex needs
to get past Lars to go to his desk.
ULREX
May I not get through please?
LARS
(Gets up and moves out of the way while avoiding looking at
Ulrex at all costs.) Oh, hello Ulrex, how are you?
ULREX
Not so good. I had a terrible accident, and now I have a
(name of garden tool) hanging out of my head.
(Long pause)
LARS
They say it’s going to rain on the weekend.
Ulrex crosses back over stage to
Ulla.
ULREX
Do you see what I mean?
ULLA
Yes. Is it really going to rain this weekend?
ULREX
No, no. Or yes, maybe, I don’t know. The point is:
LOOK AT ME: I'M DEAD!
LATELY, I'VE FELT PHLEGMATIC
28.

STUCK IN THE SAME OLD ROUTINE
BUT NOW, MY CONDITION HAS TAKEN A TURN
WHICH I FEEL IS QUITE EXTREME
MY PULSE IS NOT AS FAST AS IN THE PAST
IT'S SLOWED DOWN TO A CRAWL
IN FACT TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS
I HAVE NO PULSE AT ALL
I LOOK WHITE AS WINTER SLEET
DRY AS AN INDIAN SUMMER
MY HEART MARCHES TO THE BEAT
OF SOME NEWLY DECEASED DRUMMER
SO, I DON'T MEAN TO UPSET YOUR
EQUILIBRIUM
OR FILL YOUR HEART WITH DREAD
BUT DARLING, I HAVE SOMETHING TO
SAY TO YOU
LOOK AT ME: I'M DEAD
THE STRANGEST THING ABOUT IT
IS NOT MY UNTIMELY FATE
IT'S NOT MY PREMATURE FATALITY
OR MY LIFELESS STATE
NO, THE STRANGEST THING ABOUT IT
I'VE BEEN SADDENED TO SURMISE
IS THAT NONE OF MY FRIENDS OR COLLEAGUES
HAVE NOTICED MY DEMISE
SO I DON'T MEAN TO UPSET YOUR
EQUILIBRIUM
OR FILL YOUR HEART WITH DREAD
BUT DARLING, I HAVE SOMETHING TO
SAY TO YOU
LOOK AT ME: I'M DEAD
29.

ACT 2, SCENE 3, ULLA’S LIVING ROOM
ULREX
What is it we shall tonight, Ulla?
ULLA
It is Thursday. You know we always have a hygge evening
with Lars and Lone on Thursday.
ULREX
Oh, of course. A hygge evening. I almost forgot.
ULLA
I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, Ulrex.
ULREX
Yes. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, Ulla.
ULLA
Help me light some candles.
They frantically light as many
candles as they can.
ULREX
Who could that be?
ULLA
Maybe it is Lars and Lone.
ULREX
Oh yes, maybe it is Lars and Lone.
They sit down at table. Ulla serves
coffee and cookies. They cut their
cookies with their knives and forks
and put them down every time someone
talks.
LONE
The coffee is good.
LARS
The cookies are excellent.
LONE
The candles are lovely.
ULLA
The company is splendid.
LONE
The weather is mild.
30.

LARS
The moon is full.
LONE
The neighborhood is quiet.
ULREX
I am so tired of the rain.
Everyone looks at Ulrex in surprise.
LARS
(admonishingly)
But it is good for the carrots and potatoes, Ulrex.
LONE
Yes, it is good for the carrots and potatoes, Ulrex.
ULLA
Yes, that is true, Ulrex. You know that it is good for the
carrots and potatoes.
Long pause in which everyone freezes
looking at Ulrex.
ULREX
Yes, I did forget that. I do not know what has gotten into
me lately.
LARS
You are probably just tired.
ULREX
No, I think it is because I have a (name of garden tool)
sticking out of my head.
Uncomfortable pause
LONE
Oh, do you, we had not noticed.
LARS
No, we had not noticed.
LONE
It does not bother us at all.
LARS
No it does not bother us at all.
ULLA
It does not bother them, Ulrex.
ULREX
Really? But is it not grotesque?
31.

LARS AND LONE
(Improvised response with difficulty) No. Grotesque? No.
Not at all. I wouldn’t say grotesque.
ULREX
You guys are the best. Why don’t y’all stay for dinner?
LARS AND LONE
Dinner, dinner?
ULLA
Y’all?
ULREX
(Holding his mouth)
Did I say y’all?
LARS AND LONE
let me see. I will check my datebook.
They take out their datebooks. Ulla
takes out hers too, and they all
start checking.
LARS
I’m free on Tuesday in week 37.
LONE
No, I’m not free in week 37. I have to go to the doctor.
How about week 38?
ULLA
No week 38 is no good. We shall play golf that week.
ULREX
(shouting) Why don’t y’all just come to dinner tonight?
They all look up in shocked silence.
LARS
Tonight?
LONE
Tonight?
ULLA
Y’all?
LONE
Did you say tonight?
ULREX
Yes, tonight. There is plenty of food.
32.

LARS
But we cannot tonight.
LONE
No, tonight is hygge evening. Perhaps another night.
LARS
Yes, perhaps another night. Let us see.
They go back to their datebooks and
began to look for dates shaking their
heads and mumbling about dates they
can’t make it.
ULREX
(angrily) Put away your books.
ULLA
But Ulrex, you are the one who invited Lars and Lone. We
are only trying to find a good date.
LONE
Ah here, I think I found one, the 14th of March 2012.
ULREX
Can I see?
Lone hands him her datebook. Ulrex
opens a window and throws it as far
as he can. Sound of splashing as it
lands in water. Lone screams in
horror and begins to cry.
LONE
My datebook. My datebook.
LARS
(stepping up to Ulrex.) Now see here, Ulrex.
Ulrex takes Lars’ datebook and goes
offstage with it. We hear the sound
of a motor saw. He enters the stage
again with some fragments of the
datebook, which he hands to Lars.
Lars falls to his knees sifting
through the remains and crying.
LARS
My date book. My date book.
ULLA
(practically in tears) Ulrex, how could you do that?
33.

Ulrex takes Ulla’s book, adds his own
to it and goes about the process of
setting fire to them as he sings the
next song in a happy, skipping, manic
manner, skipping around the fire.
IN THE DATEBOOKS
THERE ARE DATES
AND EVERY WHICH ONE
MARKS OUR FATES
OUR LIVES ARE BOUND
WITH HEAT AND GLUE
YOU SEE MY FRIENDS
IN SHORT, WE'RE SCREWED
AND THAT IS WHY
I'M BURNING THE PAGES, TRA LA LA LA LA LA
THAT IS WHY THIS FIRE RAGES
FA LA LA LA LA LA
LIFE IS SO EXASPERATING
IT CAN BE THE WORST
WHEN YOU ARE DELIBERATING
YOU ARE SIMPLY CURSED
YOU SHOULD NOT BE EXTRAPOLATING
LIFE'S MEANING FROM A BOOK
BUT INSTEAD OPENLY ENGAGING
IN A RAPID BURST
EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO LIKE I DID
AND DIE A LITTLE FIRST
THE DATES DENOTE
FUTURE ACTIONS
SPLITTING OUR LIVES
INTO FRACTIONS
WE TURN PAGES TILL
WE ARRIVE AT
THE END AND THEN
OUR LIVES ARE THROUGH
AND THAT IS WHY
I'M BURNING THE PAGES, TRA LA LA LA LA LA
THAT IS WHY THIS FIRE RAGES
FA LA LA LA LA LA
34.

ACT II, SCENE 4
Ulrex is sitting on the floor wearing
only Danish-flag underwear and his
bolo (from the first act) and holding
his whip. His Danish accent is fading
fast, if not completely gone.
ULREX
Ulla, bring me a beer, honey.
ULLA
(offstage) I am busy, Ulrex.
Ulrex lashes out with his whip in the
direction of Ulla’s voice.
ULREX
I said, bring me a beer.
Ulla comes running onstage with a
beer. She’s a little bit scared of
Ulrex, but also a bit excited and
happy.
ULLA
Oh, very well. Here you are.
She gives him the beer and starts to
walk away, but he grabs her hand and
swings her back, takes her around the
waist and sits her down on his
lap´and kisses her.
ULLA
Why Ulrex. What has gotten into you?
ULREX
Well, I’ve been thinking about that. And you know, ever
since I died, I’ve been feeling so much better.
ULLA
But Ulrex, you are not dead. If you were dead we would have
buried you.
ULREX
Well, whatever I am then. A zombie, a ghoul, a ghost, the
living dead. Whatever I am, I feel more alive than I did
before I got this thing in my head.
ULLA
But you can’t go on like this.
ULREX
Why not?
35.

ULLA
You quit your job. You stopped shaving. You dress any way
you see fit. You don’t care what anyone thinks anymore.
That is very unDanish, Ulrex.
ULREX
Well, maybe I don’t want to be Danish, anymore, honey.
ULLA
Not Danish, well, what would you be then, American?
ULREX
Not American, either. There’s no going back to that.
ULLA
Well, what then?
ULREX
I don’t know, just me.
ULLA
Just you?
ULREX
Just me. I’m not sure what that is, but whatever I am, I
like it. I don’t have to go to that boring bureaucratic job
anymore where all everyone talks about is how to fill out
the new forms and the weather. I can dress any way I want
to. Say whatever I want to. And you have to admit, we been
having sex all the time again like when we first met.
ULLA
That’s only cause you force me to.
ULREX
Well, yeah, but I got the feeling that you kind of liked it
that way.
ULLA
Well...
Ulrex cracks the whip, and Ulla
squeals with delight.
In fact, I wanna make a baby with you right now.
Cracks whip again, she squeals again.
ULLA
A baby? But Ulrex, we agreed that we would wait until we
finished the repairs on the house and paid the mortgage,
and until I finished my MBA, and you got that promotion,
and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were over.
ULREX
Well, I don’t care. I want make a baby. And I wanna do it
now. So get over here and kiss me.
36.

They kiss.
ULLA
Oh Ulrex.
ULREX
You can call me Rex again, honey.
ULLA
But I’m so used to calling you Ulrex.
ULREX
Well, a lot of things around here are gonna be different
from now on. We’re gonna eat with our hands.
Cracks whip, Ulla squeals with
delight.
We’re gonna walk down the street barefoot.
Cracks whip, Ulla squeals with
delight.
ULREX
And you’re gonna do that thing you used to do with your
tongue again.
ULLA
The thing with my tongue?
ULREX
Yep, you never do that anymore. Do it now.
Cracks whip.
ULLA
(Squeals with delight) Well okay.
They face each other, and Ulla rolls
her tongue.
ULREX
Ha, ha, God damn, that’s what I’m talking about. And
another thing, now that I got rid of our datebooks, we’re
not gonna make appointments anymore.
ULLA
But Ulrex, what will we do?
ULREX
We’ll do whatever we want to do. If we want to go see Lars
and Lone, why we’ll just go over there and see them. In
fact, let’s go over there right now.
ULLA
Just like that? Without an appointment?
37.

ULREX
Why not, they are our next-door neighbors after all.
ULLA
But we might startle them.
ULREX
That’s fine, it’ll do em some good. In fact, we won’t even
know. I know where they keep an extra key.
ULLA
But Ulrex, I mean Rex...
ULREX
There’s no use arguing honey, we’re going over there right
now.
ULLA
But, but...
ULREX
What is it?
ULLA
It’s just that, well, what about making the baby?
ULREX
Will do that later, as soon as we get back.
ULLA
But Ulrex, I mean Rex.
ULREX
What now?
ULLA
You’re not dressed.
ULREX
Oh yeah. (He picks up his cowboy hat and puts it on.) Now,
come on, let’s go.
They walk offstage. Lars and Lone
enter other side of stage in their
own apartment carrying water cans.
They start watering plants. Ulrex and
Ulla walk up behind them and startle
them. They yell and drop the cans.
LONE
Ulrex you startled us.
ULREX
I know, that was the whole idea.
LARS
Yes, you startled us, Ulrex. We weren’t expecting you. Next
time, you must make an appointment with us first.
38.

ULREX
You want me to make an appointment to come over here and
startle you?
LARS AND LONE
Yes.
ULREX
But then you won’t be startled.
LONE
Good, we don’t like to be startled.
LARS
No, we don’t like it, Ulrex.
ULREX
Well, it might do y’all some good though.
LONE
How could that do us good?
LARS
Yes, how could that do us good?
ULLA
How could that do them good, Ulrex, I mean Rex? How can
getting startled do anyone any good?
ULREX
Well, sometimes you need the unexpected to happen just to
remind you that you’re alive. Like that night when ya’ll
came over for hygge evening, and Lars forgot his jacket. I
ran out after him and was startled by a garden tool that
Ulla had left on the ground. It was quite a shock, but it
changed my life.
ULLA
Yes, it killed you.
ULREX
But it reminded me that I was alive.
LARS
How can getting killed remind you that you are alive?
ULREX
Well, it’s like this.
39.

I USED TO THINK THE US WAS
THE ONE AND ONLY GREATEST
BUT WHEN I CAME HERE I FOUND
THAT FACT COULD BE DEBATED
HERE WAS A COUNTRY
CIVILIZED, RATIONAL AND REFINED
WHERE THE PEOPLE WERE BALANCED
QUIET, CULTURED AND QUITE KIND
I THOUGHT THAT TO BECOME A DANE
WAS THE ONLY WAY TO GO
THE HAPPIEST FOLK ON EARTH ACCORDING TO
THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW
THEN I WOKE UP ONE MORNING
AND ROLLED OUT OF MY BED
WITH ONLY ONE THOUGHT
ROLLING AROUND INSIDE MY HEAD
WAS I BETTER OFF LIVING
OR BETTER OFF DEAD?
BETTER OFF LIVING
OR BETTER OFF DEAD?
I THINK I’M BETTER OFF
I THINK I’M BETTER OFF DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD
I TRIED TO FIT INTO PARADISE
BUT AS HARD AS I DID TRY
I FOUND THAT IT WAS JUST AS DULL
AS WATCHING WET PAINT DRY
THEN ONE DAY I HAD AN ACCIDENT
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HORRIFIC
BUT MUCH TO MY ASTONISHMENT
I'VE BEEN FEELING QUITE TERRIFIC
AND YOU TOO
WILL WAKE UP ONE MORNING
AND ROLL OUT OF YOUR BED
WITH ONLY ONE THOUGHT
ROLLING ROUND IN YOUR HEAD
ARE YOU BETTER OFF LIVING
OR BETTER OFF DEAD?
BETTER OFF LIVING
OR BETTER OFF DEAD?
I THINK YOU’RE BETTER OFF
I THINK WE’RE BETTER OFF DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD
40.

Better off Dead: an absurd musical comedy play script

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