A personal journey describing difficulties and successes in an AS/NT marriage

1. The ‘puzzle’ of AS + non-AS
Marriages

2.  share insights on
some of the
complexities of these
partnerships
 insights come from
professional and
personal experiences
with AS men (mostly)
 from an exhaustive
review of the literature

3. WHY ARE AS MARRIAGES
IMPORTANT?
1.
Increasing
prevalence
• estimate that at least
1:120 people have AS
• Some believe this is
now down to 1:88
2.
Gendered
relevance
• More males than
females are diagnosed

4. Implications over time
 Early on, the ASC slice
of the pie seems lower
than any others
 But as these same
children mature, it
seems the yellow
wedge gets bigger —
at the expense of the
red and orange wedges
IAN, 2009 – State of Nation

5. Is AS a "relationship disorder“?
“Someone with AS probably has great intentions
initially… He wants to make his spouse happy but can't
read the signs. At the beginning of the courtship, the
woman could become his obsession and she has
probably never experienced such attention. Five years
down the line, however, when he has focussed on
something else and returns from work, yet forgets to
say hello and goes to the garage to take the car apart,
things are very different. Women often begin to
believe, "He's either got AS —or he's the most selfish
man on the planet!"
(Maxime Aston, 2003)

6. The ‘expert’s opinion’
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ASpies are challenged by varying degrees of
difficulty with processing speed, sensory issues,
anxiety, depression, perseveration and rigidity in
thinking, as well as executive functioning.
difficulty intuitively understanding what another
person may know, think, or feel (empathic
connection)
variability in the level of social relatedness and
functioning
often feel emotionally or socially disconnected

7. What are the most common
puzzlers?
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Inability to communicate effectively
Estrangement
Dependency
Handling conflict
Differences
Commonalities
Expectations and needs

8. Is there anything mentioned that has “resonated” with you… or maybe even
disturbed you a little?
Can we open up a dialogue around any “noticings” you may have had?

9. The Early Years
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Some people with AS have traits which attract partners;
seen as highly intelligent, gentle, appreciative, loyal,
receptive of caretaking, well read, interesting, creative,
and possibly ‘interesting’ (unusual, or quirky)
Non-AS partners may appreciate that their partner with AS
“marches to the beat of a different drummer”
They may not exhibit some of the negative social or
interpersonal attributes that they may have encountered in
other potential partners, or previous partners.
When we first met fifteen years ago, part of what initially
attracted me to her (besides the fact that she is incredibly
hot), was that she was independent and didn’t seem to care
what other people thought or said. She danced to the beat of
her own drum so to speak. I didn’t realize until much later
that there was no level of compromise in this.

10. The Early Years (con’t)
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Non-AS women may
be attracted to an
AS partners who
appear safe and
faithful — and won’t
leave them.
Significant issues
may go unnoticed,
ignored, or glossed
over by non-AS
partner (the differences
seem to be explained away)
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AS partners present
their best selves
during this courtship
period
Completed college
successfully; found a
professional niche
People with AS can
be & are good
partners (contrary to
popular belief)

11. Then one partner begins to
twist the Cube…
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AS + non--AS couples have the most
difficulty in their relationship because of
the lack of alignment (mismatch) of needs
and expectations. When relationship is not
meeting their needs and expectations, they
become confused and don’t understand
why their relationship difficulties seem so
different from others’.
This is what many women long to sort out.
They want to understand what is a typical
relationship issue, what is unique to their
relationship, what is gender-based, and
what is AS related…

12. PAUSE & REFLECT:
Ask yourself, if it’s hard for you to relate to your AS partner, how much
harder is it for them to relate to you? You may know your reasons for
doing and feeling whatever you do, but do you think it makes any sense to
them?

13. On-going relational challenges
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The problems persist as individuals with AS
are often reluctant to seek help; complicated
by their lack of self-awareness and difficulty
seeing the consequences of their behavior
through another’s’ eyes. Negative
experiences with prior help-seeking often
adds to their reluctance.
Very often the woman without AS is blamed
for being controlling and overly demanding.
Partners with AS may struggle to talk about
and relate their ‘real’ emotions and feelings.

14. What Else???
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Problems persist when help is
sought ‘too late’ — when the
dysfunctional dynamics have a
secured a strong foothold
the issue is the emotional
entanglements that couples get into
as they try to enlist their partner in
helping them to outwork their past

15. ‘Rubik’ Communications
Misunderstood communication can present some
of the biggest challenges for AS + non-AS
couples, as though they are speaking different
languages.
Most people know how to communicate, but it
seems to go haywire in the marriage…
Couples who say they need to learn
communication skills are hoping it
will be a lot simpler than it usually is
to heal the relationship.

16. COMMUNICATION
DIFFERENCES
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When the woman says certain things to their
partners with AS during a conversation, the men
either do not seem to listen, often do not respond, or
they respond inappropriately to a piece of what was
said.
Instead, perhaps they focus on some other technical
detail, rather than understanding the intent and the
meaning of the sentence in the context in which it is
spoken. There is a lack of back and forth dialogue.

18. “The Cube-bicle” (…sorry David…)
Sexual Intimacy
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Sensory issues can impact the
physical response of the man with
AS.
Lack of understanding how his
partner may be responding to his
touch.
Inability to rapidly process and
adjust to nonverbal feedback.
A lack of spontaneity, and tendency
toward rigidity or routine (if something
works, he may be resistant to trying
something new instead).

19. Sexual Intimacy issues
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ASpie may have minimal or no drive
to have sex
Some, at the other extreme, desire
frequent sex with themselves or
mul­tiple partners.
Emotional disconnection, so partners
feel disenfranchised or angry;
difficult for either partner to want
physical intimacy.
Occasionally, depending on a
woman’s specific sexual history, sex
without mutual emotional con­
nection can be traumatic.

20. Issues that affect the non-AS partner
The longer a couple has been together
without awareness of AS, the larger the
impact on the relationship.
► Social isolation can be a problem for the
non-AS partner. One may be content or
has the neurological makeup to spend a lot
of time alone with his ‘perservations’…
► Common for the non-AS partner to report
that it is difficult to get social and emotional
support.
►

21. More Issues (con’t)
Woman views her husband as an extra child,
because he can seem demanding, inconsiderate,
and incompetent in certain ways…
It is more likely that AS + non-AS
couples, because of genetics, will
have one or more children with on
the Spectrum.
ASpies are likely to have
encountered a great deal of
frustration, rejection, and failure

22. Then the Cube-cible turns up the heat…
Many AS men are socially and emotionally
dependent on their partners; yet they are often
unaware of the impact of their behavior on
others, and tend to blame others for interpersonal
problems. When a woman attempts to work
through a problem in the relationship, the man
with AS may respond to his partner’s feedback,
expectations, requests or demands with denial,
withdrawal, or even verbal abuse. His rage or
depression, problems with stable employment, or
limited ability to parent, then become additional
stressors.

23. The ‘cube’ begins to morph…

24. The majority of non-AS persons decide to
go ahead and marry their AS partners;
almost in spite of what they may have
discovered…
Like spouses of addicts, once the “heat
becomes too much”, by some process of
attrition the relationship ends up being
more one of practicality and convenience
for the person with Asperger’s Syndrome
than for the loving and meeting of
emotional needs of marital bliss.
This then creates the “crucible” of marriage
that David Schnarch talks about in his book
“Passionate Marriage”

25. SUGGESTIONS FROM THE
TRENCHES
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non-AS partner- shift your
“paradigm” (focus) from
what you’re not getting from
your AS partner to see and
value the strengths s/he
brings into the relationship

26. SUGGESTIONS FROM THE
TRENCHES
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AS partners - reconsider our
perception of our partner and of
ourselves
because of the differences in the way
our brains work, a lot of what our
partner is telling us about our role in
problems is probably correct
Avoid the blame game

27. PARTING SHOTS…
For both non-AS + AS partners,
try to listen to one another in a
non-defensive way. Ask for
clarification of things you don't
understand in a simple,
respectful, and low key way.
(ASpie’s need to strive to be not
so effusive)

28. PARTING SHOTS…
► Become
students of each other's
culture. Pretend that you are learning a
new language from a new country. If you
are an AS, remember that, in many ways,
your partner is from another place ― the
County NT.
► If you are non-AS, remember that your AS
partner is from another culture. Celebrate
your DIVERSITY and the differences.

30. Works Cited
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Carely, M.. (1999). Asperger’s from the inside-out. London:
J.K.P.
Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain that Changes itself. London:
Penguin Books Ltd.
Holliday Willey, L. (1999). Pretending to be Normal. London:
J.K.P.
Schnarch, D. (1999). Passionate Marriage. Melbourne:
Scribe Publ.
Simone, R. (2011). AsperGirls. London: J.K.P.